An Undisclosed Child - WTAF?!!!!!!!

[MrsRichardDeVere]

I’ve NC to try not to out myself.

Been dating and starting a relationship with a man for 4 months. Met through online dating. Have taken things steadily and everything going well. Seemed honest, normal, self-deprecating, considerate and lots of other good things.

He said he’s been single since he & his ex split 6 years ago, with 2 boys he sees every 2nd weekend. Seems like a good dad, doing the usual, normal stuff you’d expect.

He’s on Linkedn but not other forms of social media, so I haven’t been able to do background digging. Anyhow found his ex-wife (after he said her first name rather than just referring to her as ‘the-ex’) and to my horror there are 3 kids, with a girl appearing in age between the boys. Definitely a sibling. I know ive got the right family, as I’ve seen plenty of photos of the boys.

I suspect this is curtains on our relationship, as this seems like a shocking omission to me, but can anyone throw any light on what the fuck might be going on?! I’m seeing him in a few days and will be asking him but could do with some MN insight.

That is so odd, I cannot imagine why lie about 1 kid and admit to having the others. It makes no sense ....

I'm glad you're asking

You might be worrying over nothing but either way at least you can vent on here! Good luck for tonight x

Hope it goes well

It occurred to me that he may have done something silly like put 2 kids rather 3 on his profile, in case 3 looked like he was too tied down - and then met you and got close to you and not quite found the right time to reveal the lie?
While this would be quite a stupid thing to do, I don't think I would find that unforgiveable - keep an open mind and see what he says. Best of luck.

Thanks all.

My ex-H had an affair, so I'm super-sensitive about lying or omissions. However, I will do my best to keep an open mind.

I agree with fabulous, I think it's gone too far and now he doesn't know how to tell you. He'll probably be so relived once it's all out in the open, as will you no doubt! Let us know how you get on x

Good luck

Well it certainly seems very odd.
I hope you get some answers later.
Good luck OP.

Seems a little odd but there may be an explanation... definitely best you speak to him direct. Good luck

I can't even fathom what reason there would be to not mention this child.
I hope whatever it is you get to the bottom of it.
If it does turn out to be his child I don't know if I could be with him or trust him. There would have to be a very very good reason for just not mentioning you have a daughter.
Good luck!

If the photo is not a recent one, maybe the daughter died and he doesn't want to talk about it.

Good luck

Let's see what he says. There could be all sorts of explanations. For years I took my daughter's best friend to school and brought her home plus she came with us a lot. If you were to look at my Facebook during those years, you may think she was also my daughter. But anyway,let's hear what he says.

Hope it goes ok OP

Or she may be refusing contact and he finds that hard to discuss.

.

how did it go?

Why would a man lie about having a daughter on his OLD profile? A couple of reasons could be:

(DISCLAIMER: All of these reasons are icky and weird, and I don't agree or endorse them. But they speak to common stereotypes about the "differences" between boys and girls, and indicate how his mind might be working so let's crack on)

1. Having two boys = a rugged house full of males who need mothering. There is a common misconception that boys are "easier" and more affectionate, so will welcome a lovely stepmother to take the household in hand. Whereas a daughter is perceived as more of a wildcard - people think of a spiteful, demanding stepdaughter, so jealous of losing her daddy's attention and not willing to tolerate another female as competition. On an OLD profile a man might think that "two kids, both boys" is a more appealing prospect.

2. Proving his virility. What's more manly than a man who can sire children? Why, if all those children are strapping BOY children of course! Girls don't count.

3. Two boys and no girls? Something's missing from his family and maybe YOU could provide it - a daughter at last. If a woman is getting together with a man who already had kids, she might worry that he doesn't want any more and that means that getting serious with him means having more kids is off the table. Having just sons leaves a "space" that might be reassuring to someone who still wants the option of more kids.

Of course, all of these reasons mean that the man in question doesn't consider women lured in this fashion to be long-term prospects, as eventually the truth is going to come out. Good luck tonight, OP. You did the right thing by checking him out and I hope he has a better explanation than the ones I've given above

Good luck OP, the truth is often stranger than what we imagine... but sometimes it isn't. At least after tonight you'll have a clearer picture :)

Good luck!

It all seems very odd, I hope you get some answers!

'Its the ex wife's step daughter' Really mumsnet ladies?

Calling the OP a stalker for acting on her intuition? Really mumsnet ladies?

Men lying about the number they have is unfortunate but is a common lie men tell. Men tell these sorts of lies because they are selfish. They tend to reveal or maybe never once you are in love with them to you will not leave. This one is up there married men claiming to be single. It's disgusting and good for OP not to be drawn THAT path- saving herself a lot of heartache.

Dating is mine field these days so any tools to weed out or seek clarification on any red flags is a necessity.

Ooooh what a puzzler, good luck with the conversation and hope there is a logical answer xxx

I hope there is a logical explanation.
If not then I would question having a relationship with him.