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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

An Undisclosed Child - WTAF?!!!!!!!

321 replies

MrsRichardDeVere · 12/05/2018 10:57

I’ve NC to try not to out myself.

Been dating and starting a relationship with a man for 4 months. Met through online dating. Have taken things steadily and everything going well. Seemed honest, normal, self-deprecating, considerate and lots of other good things.

He said he’s been single since he & his ex split 6 years ago, with 2 boys he sees every 2nd weekend. Seems like a good dad, doing the usual, normal stuff you’d expect.

He’s on Linkedn but not other forms of social media, so I haven’t been able to do background digging. Anyhow found his ex-wife (after he said her first name rather than just referring to her as ‘the-ex’) and to my horror there are 3 kids, with a girl appearing in age between the boys. Definitely a sibling. I know ive got the right family, as I’ve seen plenty of photos of the boys.

I suspect this is curtains on our relationship, as this seems like a shocking omission to me, but can anyone throw any light on what the fuck might be going on?! I’m seeing him in a few days and will be asking him but could do with some MN insight.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 16/05/2018 22:45

Not the outcome I was expecting.
But now you know a are doing the right thing.
I always have a good nose on fb.
Why the hell wouldn't you?
Well done op and sorry it's all a bit crap.

FizzyGreenWater · 16/05/2018 22:48

I would look into reporting him in some way.

to the dating site

and also to police or social services.

He's misrepresenting himself to someone with children that he then might gain access to.

I'm sorry - I hope you are ok.

StarUtopia · 16/05/2018 22:48

How's about using some good old intuition?! Or have people switched that off in the internet era? How on earth can you be with someone 4 months and not have had any weird vibes coming off him?! Do people not talk any more? Surely his mates would have told you? Or his parents? Seriously..people can 'date' for FOUR MONTHS and not meet someone in his life who is going to tell her what's going on without her having to go digging on social media?!

Agree it's not actual stalking (and yes, actually offensive to someone who has been stalked, so i apologise) but I personally do find it odd that you would have to do any digging like this with someone you should be in a trustful relationship with (4 months in) (but then I was having a baby with my now lovely DH 4 months into our relationship...happily together 10+ years)

Use your intuition ladies. Don't waste 4 months!

LiteraryDevil · 16/05/2018 22:50

Have RTFT and an so sorry. I would definitely report to the dating site. You don't have to give too many details and they will ban someone. I reported my ex for being emotionally abusive and they banned him. I felt it my duty to protect other women. I've reported anyone who's been dodgy. It's not worth the risk.
You weren't stalking. It's publicly available information that you've searched for. Silly ex wife for having private things public. But thank god for you that she did. Lucky escape there OP. Be proud of yourself and for trusting your gut Thanks

IToldYouIWasFreaky · 16/05/2018 22:56

StarUtopia Are you having a laugh? 4 months is nothing in the world of OLD. They were total strangers before then! It's not unusual at all not to have met friends and family before that point. Confused

Crispbutty · 16/05/2018 22:57

“Christ.. We don't all have time to sit on MN and read 10 pages of nonsense! I replied to the original post. “

That’s why there’s a realky handy tool that lets you see all the Ops posts in a different colour, so you can quickly scroll through a long thread and not make yourself look silly posting at the end of it.

Original poster
MrsRichardDeVere · 16/05/2018 22:58

Good thoughts about reporting him to the dating website. I will look into that.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 16/05/2018 23:02

am I really thick.... I'm just not getting it.. what the heck happened OP...I'm so sorry... I know its late... I'm sat here trying to figure it out but sadly nope Sad

fabulousfrumpyfeet · 16/05/2018 23:02

Ugh, sorry it turned out this way, but so glad you found out now. Good job you used your head and did a bit of checking.

fabulousfrumpyfeet · 16/05/2018 23:03

Gemini, I think he is not allowed access to his daughter.

HeedMove · 16/05/2018 23:06

My sil started dating someone she met online. She looked up his ex wife and found out theyd split up because he had been charged for dv after beating her black and blue numerous times.

I think its wise to check out fb if you are online dating. So many people arent who they say they are.

Cricrichan · 16/05/2018 23:58

How scary op :(

DioneTheDiabolist · 17/05/2018 03:26

Am I the only one who is Confused?

NotTheFordType · 17/05/2018 03:57

@DioneTheDiabolist
Yeah probably. Do you really think op should keep dating this dude after it became apparent that he's not allowed to see his dd due to allegations of abuse?

NurseButtercup · 17/05/2018 04:19

@MrsRichardDeVere

I'm reading between the lines and that's really grim. I'm sorry that he lied his way into your life. I'm relieved that you got to the truth Flowers

I'm a bit annoyed by the no. of people commenting on this thread accusing you of being intrusive and invading his privacy utter nonsense. I would have done exactly the same as you but much sooner.

YeahILoveSummer · 17/05/2018 04:24

Wow. You absolutely did the right thing by checking.

mindutopia · 17/05/2018 04:31

You definitely did the right thing and lucky escape for you.

I have a family member who met someone OLD and subsequently found out he was being investigated for an offence against a child in his family. He is manipulative and by the time it all came out she was already taken in and over invested. 12 years done the line, they are still together, married now, after she stuck by him while he served time in prison, and frankly it’s royally screwed up her family life with her children and grandchildren that she brought this man into their lives.

Lucky break, I’d say. Sorry you had to go through this.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/05/2018 04:40

This is nonsensical. Glad you found out the truth. Do you know why he lied?

ThirdTimeUnlucky · 17/05/2018 05:13

Sorry, still don't understand. If it was abuse then why the heck has he got access to the other two, doesn't make sense.
Guess we'll never know big sigh.

DiamondsBestFriend · 17/05/2018 07:32

This doesn’t make sense. If he has been prevented any access to the middle child why does he still have access to the other two? Equally if he has access to the other two there was surely going to come a point when he introduced them to the OP, at which point the DD would have automatically come up in conversation.

I’m not buying this. The undisclosed child would have been a deal-breaker for me from the start but the reasons for me just don’t ring true.

Clearly the OP has had a lucky escape, but I would be contacting the dating sight, the police, SS and also the ex

YetAnotherUser · 17/05/2018 07:40

If he's a sex offender, phone 101 and ask for a disclosure under Sarah's law.

This will alert his MAPPA worker, who may be interested in what he's been up to, depending on the terms of any licence or Sexual Offences Prevention Order he may be under.

Speaking from first hand experience.

Huskylover1 · 17/05/2018 07:41

Clearly the OP has had a lucky escape, but I would be contacting the dating sight, the police, SS and also the ex

What? If he doesn't have access to his daughter, due to some historic abuse, then the Police and SS already know about it. And so does the Ex. How would it be helpful, for some person who has just learned about this, to report it again?

Doesn't sound right, that he has access to the other 2 kids.

Confusing all round.

Huskylover1 · 17/05/2018 07:42

Surely sex offenders are allowed to date grown adults though?

Huskylover1 · 17/05/2018 07:43

Of course you wouldn't want to, but iyswim, it's not a crime.

TheBogWitchIsBack · 17/05/2018 07:46

Surely sex offenders are allowed to date grown adults though?

As long as they don't have children or have access to children then yes.
I don't know anyone who'd want to date one though.

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