DH affair - Should I be 'over it' now?

[Tiredoffeelingthisway]

DH had an affair 3 years ago. Full blown physical and emotional to the point they talked about starting a life together.

At the time I told him to just leave but he begged for forgiveness etc. They never totally went NC and had low contact over the last 3 years but he insists its OW chasing. Not sure I believe him tbh. I do believe they haven't been together intimately since Dday though.

Anyway, I'm still not 'over it'. I think about what he has done every day and I just can't forget. I don't hate him all of the time and still love him. We've been together so long that our lives really are one, we have DC, family, friends, home, our business together. Both of us want to make it work but I can't shake that I feel:

-sad all the time about what he's done
-that I don't look at him the same way
-that our sex life is either wild and crazy after a row about OW (so he's prob thinking about her) or I don't want him anywhere near me
-I also cannot get thoughts of what they've done together out of my head (stuff we haven't done and I wouldn't do)
-I feel empty
-the OW still consumes so much of me and that I have to see her all the time (she's a school mum)

We've had counselling (IC and MC) which has helped with some of the issues but none of the above.

For those of you that have stayed, do you still have these feelings and have you accepted them?

Or, after all this time I should be over it and shouldn't still be feeling this way?

I named changed for another thread on here that I wanted to reply on, then I've seen yours.
I'm 3 years on too. It's bloody hard. I'll be back later to reply properly, just wanted to post quickly to say your not alone.

What's in this relationship for you now - emotionally, as husband and wife rather than business partners?

I'd look to end it - he clearly can't be trusted over a prolonged period, he's still in contact with a woman he was ready to leave you for, he's already shown he's a cheater, and you're having to cope with the fallout.

Silver, we've been together 17 years and I still love him. I want us to grow old together, to do all the things we planned. But emotionally, what's in it now? tbh, I don't know. A lot of heartache and misery at the moment. We do have good days and enjoy family time together with DC though.

My problem is when I look at him I think about his affair and OW all of the time and I'm so sad he's done this to us. He is sad and full of remorse too and begs and cries for forgiveness all the time so I know he want us to get through this.

I'm just tired of it all now.

They never totally went NC and had low contact over the last 3 years but he insists its OW chasing
That is awful.
WTF hasn't he just blocked the OW?
This bit would be the deal-breaker for me.
It should have been totally NC after discovery.
The fact it isn't means you will never be 'over it' while they are still in contact.
Did you get any headspace at the time to think things through?
Did he move out for a while to allow you some space?
You many need that now.

I couldn't forgive my ExH for the exact reasons your point out here.
He would never be the same again in my mind.

You've taken the far harder path here.
The constant reminder, day in day out, when you look at him.
I couldn't do it.
Have you had joint counselling?
Did you do any reading together?
If not then get THIS BOOK

What has he done to win your trust back?
The fact he's still LC with OW would tell me that he's done fuck all in that department.

He's is still in contact with her! Do you seriously need to ask why you aren't over it? That is highly disrespectful.
why hasn't he blocked her?

I've used this term twice this morning already. you are flogging a dead horse

If he was remorseful or wanted to make things right he would never contact her again!

I know how you feel, I myself had to remove the other person off his FB after a year, even though I can’t see any contact in any way and he stopped commenting or ‘likes’ . It’s the fact he just didn’t naturally think to do it himself that peed me off

Oh, OP have just seen the part where he's still in contact.
No, shut that shi t down and ltb.

He says he hasn't been contacting her but that she has been. I don't believe him though for various reasons. Either way, they've been in contact.

Even if they hadn't, I still think I'd feel this way. We had a PTA school ball the other week and she was there in a skin tight dress and I caught him glancing at her all evening. He says he didn't even notice her! All I kept thinking was he STILL can't get enough of her.

Yet again, she was the cause of another huge row between us. When will this stop?

Hellsbells, we've have joint counselling and have read various books too.

I feel like we've progressed this far (which compared to 2.5 years ago is massive progress) and this is as good as it will get for us. Is this as good as it gets for those who stay?

Yes it's as good as it gets.. because you will always know deep down he strayed and how can anyone really get past that.
Let alone when you still have to see and hear from her.

I wouldn't believe she's contacting him without his involvement. Who would keep contacting someone for three years if they didn't get a reply? He's not moved on from her and it doesn't sound like she has from him. In the nicest way, try to see it for what it is OP, he's had an affair and never let go of it, I think you know where his interests lay.

I don't know whether to accept I'll never completely get past it and that it will always come up when we argue, when I look at him, when we have sex. It's ALWAYS THERE and I'm fed up of it.

So many people on here have stayed together after an affair - does the pain really truly go away or are we telling ourselves its okay so we aren't alone, don't lose homes, businesses and don't disrupt DCs lives?

Clem, we talked about moving but it just isn't possible. We work near where we live, prob couldn't afford stamp duty on a new house yet, and DC are in an outstanding school and so settled. What if we move and I still feel the same I'll have ruined their schooling for no reason.

Is she married? Does her dh know that she's contacted your dh? She probably gives him the same story - that it's him contacting her. Either way, it's rubbish. I assume your dh uses modern devices, where you can BLOCK people

I really feel for you. It's so awful that you have to see her in relation to your DC's school

We are over 2 years into 'recovery' and I could have written your post OP... the sadness and emptiness are the hardest thing of all.

I'm still trying for DC but so many days I don't know why I'm putting myself through this mental turmoil... the far easier thing would have been to leave.

It feels harder and harder to leave the more time that passes though...

OP

Your husband needs to block her. It's completely disrespectful that he hasn't and is leaving that door open to her. If he doesn't, then you may have to go about splitting. I know you love him, but you need to love yourself more. Once something is cracked, it can never be put back together as it was. You've had no closure because he never cut her out and you still have to deal with her.

I personally could not be around OW the the degree you have to be, it would eat me up inside. Is she married? so does her DH/DP know what happened?

I've met some couples who have successfully reconciled and are truly happy ... they don't constantly think of the affair...but they will never forget it.

However, in all of these cases the cheating spouse ceased contact with the OM/OW and when they broke NC...they should their betrayed spouse the email or text message and either

• replied jointly
• decided to ignore
• blocked her number/email

My point being they dealt with it together.
Your H is happy for her to contact him, otherwise he would have put a stop to it.

You wont get over it because you are still in it. Any continued contact between affair partners is essentially an on going relationship.

If you had been sleeping with another man would he accept this on going contact? If you oggled him all night would he be happy.

That's not remorse.

Yes OW is married and her OH doesn't know how serious things were.

She has minimised A LOT.

She told him it was only a drunken snog. She had to come up with something to explain why we never speak at birthday parties and why she doesn't go on mums nights out and why our kids aren't encouraged to socialise despite being in the same class and why my DH can't look at him at DS's rugby every week.

He doesn't know anything about their year long affair and plans to leave together. So no, he doesn't know she's still in touch.

The steps a cheating spouse must take for a successful reconciliation.

Not all of them are required in every situation but, you get the idea:

1. S/He must be totally honest with you about everything
2. S/He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.
3. S/He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.
4. S/He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
5. S/He must feel your pain.
6. S/He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.
7. S/He must accept full responsibility for his actions.
8. S/He must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
9. S/He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.

10. S/He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal. 11. S/He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you. 12. S/He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you. 13. S/He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible. 14. S/He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first. 15. S/He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected. 16. S/He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy. 17. S/He must be willing to seek counseling. 18. S/He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries and not cross them.

This sounds like death by a thousand cuts.

He is NOT your soulmate, lover or partner.

He is a nasty, scummy cheat .

I and many other women have left men for far, far less.

It will never get any better. He will always be a lying dick dipping cheat.
Accept it or leave.

Tiredoffeelingthisway, huge sympathy to you. I am so sorry for all your hurt and pain.

My ex-H had an affair and the deal breaker for me about ending our marriage was that he would not go NC with the OW. He said it was because they worked together, but I knew it was because he wanted to ensure that he left that other 'door' open for as long as possible.

I couldn't get past that, as it didn't feel truly remorseful to me, or indicate that he was 100% committed to making a go of it together.

I wonder if you are holding on to the romantic image of what your life should have been together - completely understandable - rather than the reality of where it is now? Your OH shat all over your commitment to exclusivity, truth, honesty and love when he had that affair. He was utterly, utterly selfish and entitled and there is a possibility that he may not be a good man to grow old with.

Have you had some individual counselling? Just talking this through with a marriage or couples counsellor by yourself can often be more helpful than doing it with your OH.

This must be a daily hell for you OP.

I think I would call it a day in your shoes. You have to put your mental health at the top of your priorities and this is messing with your head.

I suspect he also gets a thrill from the fact that he continues to see her and that you are putting up with it.

If you really don't want to leave him would you consider moving away?

He prob has been leaving the 'door open' and he has self-esteem issues that came out in MC and for him the affair was an ego boost but prob not as much as what he sees in his head as 2 women 'fighting over' him.

But he claims to be completely committed to us and is definitely remorseful and does a lot of what's on that list Sandy.

It's my feelings that are the problem and going back to my first post, I want to know whether if you've stuck it out it's normal to feel sad a lot of the time, to not look at DH the same way, for sex to be weird, for images of what sex was like for them to keep on surfacing, and just to feel so empty inside.

I need to know if this is as good as it gets.

feeling very down.

How can you be over it when he's obviously still longing for her? He's staying with you because either she's married or because of your life together but not because he wants to be with you.

Even if I could get over the lying and cheating for a year I would definitely not be able nor want to be with a man who wants to be with someone else. I'd rather be on my own and have a chance of a real relationship with someone who wants me and not have to spend every day worried and upset that my husband wants another woman.

Tired have you seen a counsellor by yourself?

To repair and rebuild, the healing can't start until after the last lie or contact. You have done 3 years but the clock hasn't started ticking yet to put in any distance to start the healing process because he is still in contact (and probably lying).

HE needs to take responsibility for doing EVERYTHING to rebuild trust -- and then when he has done it then it is up to you as to how you feel - and there is no commitment or timetable imposed on you. Most people would say it is 3 years for the PTSD symptoms that you are experiencing to subside - though that doesn't mean you will want to build a life with him.

I found this book helpful - written y a MC with 30+ years experience - she outlines the 17 behaviours that the CHEATER has to do if there is to be even any chance of rebuilding - there is a free pdf version on line somewhere - I couldn't find it. "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" Linda MacDonald. It lays the full responsibility of the work of recovery at the door or the cheater - if they can't or won't do the 17 steps you have your answer.

Also hysterical bonding - is just something YOU are triggered to feel (physically /chemically when you are distraught) - and he is the recipient of. It is nothing to do with love/trust and is only a biological evolutionary survival system.