DH affair - Should I be 'over it' now?

[Tiredoffeelingthisway]

DH had an affair 3 years ago. Full blown physical and emotional to the point they talked about starting a life together.

At the time I told him to just leave but he begged for forgiveness etc. They never totally went NC and had low contact over the last 3 years but he insists its OW chasing. Not sure I believe him tbh. I do believe they haven't been together intimately since Dday though.

Anyway, I'm still not 'over it'. I think about what he has done every day and I just can't forget. I don't hate him all of the time and still love him. We've been together so long that our lives really are one, we have DC, family, friends, home, our business together. Both of us want to make it work but I can't shake that I feel:

-sad all the time about what he's done
-that I don't look at him the same way
-that our sex life is either wild and crazy after a row about OW (so he's prob thinking about her) or I don't want him anywhere near me
-I also cannot get thoughts of what they've done together out of my head (stuff we haven't done and I wouldn't do)
-I feel empty
-the OW still consumes so much of me and that I have to see her all the time (she's a school mum)

We've had counselling (IC and MC) which has helped with some of the issues but none of the above.

For those of you that have stayed, do you still have these feelings and have you accepted them?

Or, after all this time I should be over it and shouldn't still be feeling this way?

I feel so awful for you.

You're not second best, you're not a consolation prize. Sorry, but he's only with you because she turned him down once their bubble was popped. What he is doing to you is disrespectful and you do not deserve to feel as shit as he is making you. It's beyond repair now.

I would usually advise against telling OW's DH but I honestly think he deserves to know how much his wife was/is still mugging him off, he should be informed so he can make the proper decision to stay with her.

And if her and your 'husband' do end off together, let them, and they can be pieces of cheating shit together.

No one could say you didn’t give it a good go. But one person alone can’t “make it work”.

checking to see how the other is, talking to each other when they’ve bumped into each other (never spoken at school though). This is always happens privately and I only find out when I see a msg from OW about how nice it was to ‘talk’ or whatever Or if he confesses because he’s worried someone might have seen them or something.

But they both insist it’s always innocent and accidental. Msgs on birthdays too and he called her on her birthday.

they told each other they still love each other a few months ago

Jesus fuck. No, you are never going to feel better about this.

You are not going to feel any different until you pick your self-respect up off the floor, look at him and say 'do you know, I don't want you any more.'

What do you want from this? I would like to think it's advice on how to start processing things with a view to moving on from him rather than how to continue to try and fool yourself that this is any kind of a life?

The only people to have semi-survived betrayal make it a rule to avoid the OW like the plague. Even if it means being rude or awkward or ruining an event. Even if it means losing a ‘friend’. They don’t make eye contact and they cut conversations short.

I truly believe that an affair is the ultimate death nell of a relationship. It's over, it's dead.
The only time I ever hear of people really overcoming it is when they completely start afresh from a place of total honesty and openness and the person who had the affair is 100% recommitted to the relationship.
And I've only known one couple irl who have managed it.

This isn't happening here for you op. He's not committed, he's messaging and calling the OW and lying about it and frankly he's not even hiding it very well. He doesn't give a shit.
The fact is the affair only ended because he got caught and she didn't want him.
You deserve better.

This is awful. You know if circumstances change for her he will be with her like a shot. He's holding a torch for her and you're definately second best. How can you be over it?? The only way is to let him go on his merry cheating way and then you can truly heal.

He put his job and income on the line with his affair, despite having DCs to support, he was very committed to the OW.
2 years of counselling is a heck of a lot. What about going to counsellor to discuss your leaving him, so you are discussing your future without him, see how that feels (assuming you see the counsellor alone!).

I think you've gone through enough and shouldn't have to go through anymore. You should leave him as you deserve so much better than him, he is spineless and he is still lying to you.

Honestly, I would ruin both of their lives. I would send her husband evidence of their affair, leave your husband and bleed him dry during the divorce. Then the suckers can be together, broke.

You will easily find someone else, someone far better than him. You deserve far better, and he will never make you feel the same way again, you'll always not trust him. He ruined it.

Ignore his words and any overt grand gestures - watch his actions quietly - leering after her at the ball, preempting being spotted, proactively contacting her, accidentally bumping in to her, minimising....tells you all you need to know

This. If he really really wanted to make it work he would be in absolute zero contact with her. But he isn’t because he still loves her.

You will never get over it because emotionally he is still having an affair.

No you should t feel better about this he's still treating you like shit he still loves another woman and makes it bloody obvious. How can you think you can accept that?

Why would you be over it when the pair of cunts are flaunting it in your fucking face?
Me? I'd tell her husband exactly what went on & that she has stuck with him for her comfortable lifestyle. Then I'd tell your husband to fuck the fuck off, permanently-tbh I'd have done that in the first place but then I'm pretty intolerant over cheating.

Call his bluff. Tell him to leave, you can still work together. I also would let school mums know if the affair. Why should you suffer alone. The fact she was dressed in a skin tight dress at a PTA would really bother me. I would have said something to her there. Like your inappropriately dressed for a PTA and he's not interested. Toughen up. He's with you not her, be the victor it will get better if you let it.