DH affair - Should I be 'over it' now?

[Tiredoffeelingthisway]

DH had an affair 3 years ago. Full blown physical and emotional to the point they talked about starting a life together.

At the time I told him to just leave but he begged for forgiveness etc. They never totally went NC and had low contact over the last 3 years but he insists its OW chasing. Not sure I believe him tbh. I do believe they haven't been together intimately since Dday though.

Anyway, I'm still not 'over it'. I think about what he has done every day and I just can't forget. I don't hate him all of the time and still love him. We've been together so long that our lives really are one, we have DC, family, friends, home, our business together. Both of us want to make it work but I can't shake that I feel:

-sad all the time about what he's done
-that I don't look at him the same way
-that our sex life is either wild and crazy after a row about OW (so he's prob thinking about her) or I don't want him anywhere near me
-I also cannot get thoughts of what they've done together out of my head (stuff we haven't done and I wouldn't do)
-I feel empty
-the OW still consumes so much of me and that I have to see her all the time (she's a school mum)

We've had counselling (IC and MC) which has helped with some of the issues but none of the above.

For those of you that have stayed, do you still have these feelings and have you accepted them?

Or, after all this time I should be over it and shouldn't still be feeling this way?

Hi Op, just wanted to say although my dh cheated it was with drunken one night stands, a couple of times, over the years, I found out all at once, so just to answer it does get better with time, my dh is doing allt hats on that list but the big thing that stands out is he doesn't have to deal with OW , as he didn't even know who they were as it was purely sex. I don't have to see them everyday and although I did find out who they were and saw pics of them , I was relieved and almost hurt that they weren't anything special! It the OW lingering in your lives is whats killing you OP. Comparing yourself to her, god I can feel you pain so much when you said she was at the dance in a skin tight dress. Its so so hurtful to feel that your not his one and only, you really need to remove her from your lives. Have you thought about telling her to fuck right off and leave you alone, or better still get your husband to text her when she contacts him, tbh if I was you I really would insist that if he didn't cut every bit of contact with her as in not even say hello to her then I'd be gone. You poor thing, I know that stomach churning feeling. Its shit. xxx

he told her he loved her

In the nicest possible way, stop enabling him to continue to be an absolute shit; you do have power here OP, and yeah if he goes to her then so what, he's chasing her anyway, in fact, he'd be doing you a massive favour if he dumps his cheating arse on her.

He talks a good game, doesn’t he? Lip service is cheap and easy.

His actions tell the tale though.

^It seems to be a low level of contact where they don’t let go of each other.

I say this but they told each other they still love each other a few months ago^

I’m going to turn this on it’s head.

He loves her, and he’s infatuated.
He was told to stay with you by OW.
He’s not with you or your family OP.

In fact by being perpetually tolerant of his [unacceptable] behaviour you are prolonging the hurt and pain and misery.

He wants out and is pressing all the buttons to try and find the smoothest escape hatch possible to cause the minimum of damage. But he doesn’t have the balls or insight to say “I don’t want to be married to you anymore and I’m leaving”. It’s an extermely rare man that does that - especially without an OW to run to.

Irreveesible damage has been done why don’t you just let the [sad fucker] go, he’s not in love with you and he’s evidently weighed up in his head being a weekend dad and fine with it hence the lovey dovey Rightmove chat.

You won’t ever get “your” husband back. He’s gone. Split so you can grieve your loss.

Op I had an open mind when I clicked on this thread. I do believe some people make their marriage work after an affair. However I don't believe your dh has shown enough, if any, commitment to making your marriage work. I think if you continue like this your self esteem and confidence will be slowly chipped away. You deserve to be happy. You really need to consider ending this marriage. I'm sorry.

Your DC will have suffered enough already.

They need a Mum that is not constantly preoccupied and emotionally unavailable to them as she is being re-traumatised daily by the antics of their Dad and his unrequited love fantasy.

They will have absorbed the toxic energy in the house, heard the rows, seen you change (for the worst). They dont need to live out the rest of their childhood polluted by secrets and lies that they dont understand but are imprinting emotionally.

They need their lovely, positive, energetic, focussed Mum back - not a worse version of the one he has created.

I think that was him keeping the door open again.

Your right. And he's hoping the OW will drag him through that open door, thus making a decision for him.

Meanwhile, you wonder why you are still feeling the draught from that open door!

Your H and is have shit on you from a great height and are leaving you to shoulder the emotional torment of their actions.

Your h is acting like he's going thru an unwanted break up but trying to stay amicable with his ex! Wanting her to know he loves her still and needing to hear that she still cares

Ow managed to pull wool over her unsuspecting dhs eyes 'it was only a kiss' but hasn't had to face up to any real judgement from anyone.

And then there's you struggling to move on from their betrayal. You've done nothing but try and forgive a man who was ready to pack up and leave!

I'm 13 years on from husbands affair. We're still together but it's not the same as it was and it's still bloody hard sometimes.

I am so sorry that you are going through this and that feeling of walking on eggshells is all too familiar.
When I discovered my husbands affair it very nearly broke me, it was the most difficult passage of my life so far and it was only through leaving him that I managed to start to rebuild my life.

One of the hardest and truest pieces of advice I was given in the few months after when I was in turmoil and trying to decide what to do was this. Love isn’t words it’s action. If someone is telling you they love you and making you promises but isn’t following that up with treating you with kindness and respect what does that mean? It’s nothing, lip service to keep you hanging on to the hope that this is salvageable and to make their life easier.

You need to judge him on his actions, he hasn’t cut contact, in fact he is in regular contact even wishing her a happy birthday and professing his love to her. This is only the contact you know about, how many messages could have passed you by without you discovering them? These aren’t the actions of someone who is trying to repair their marriage. His excuses and him not knowing why he still told her that he loved her aren’t really going to cut it are they?

You need to start trying to separate your thoughts for your own sanity, what do you want? What would give your children the healthiest and happiest future? Most of all how long can you continue to live in what felt to me like half a life, emotional torture while he bumbles on looking after himself and oblivious to your pain? I know the struggle of wanting to hold onto your old life dearly and it was so difficult realising that it was already gone. Wishing I had a magic wand to return the person I remembered and had loved. It was like a bereavement, grieving the person I had thought he was.

It takes two people to make a relationship work, no matter how hard you cling onto someone if they are not putting in the effort it is going to be fruitless. You deserve love and respect and peace, what are you getting from this relationship now? Marriage can be hard and go through rough patches but think about the last three years and how they’ve made you feel, imagine yourself three years from now. Where do you want to be? I was so afraid of letting go but three years on and I’m with someone who treats me well, enjoys my company and actually adds to my life. The difference is unbelievable. I never thought it would be possible and I was so ground down I thought no one would even look at me. We only get one life, don’t let him and his indecision ruin yours.

Your H and Ow have shit on*

Also 3 years on and not ‘over it’ and never will be On my mind every day.

I feel for you.

Love isn’t words it’s action. If someone is telling you they love you and making you promises but isn’t following that up with treating you with kindness and respect what does that mean? It’s nothing, lip service to keep you hanging on to the hope that this is salvageable and to make their life easier.

This a million times. ex-H used to say he loved me and it meant nothing because his actions - still in contact with OW - did not bear witness to his words!!!!!!!

So they were looking at houses, yet he wasn't going to leave you.

You said no contact, yet he carries on.

You have to see her on a daily basis.

I'll be raw and to the point.. how the hell would he manage if he had to see the man you fucked every day?

That's just cruelty and you will NEVER heal under these conditions.

You still have him by default and you fear he'll go to her. He won't because she's not leaving her husband. You joined in keeping the secret. Why?

Stop allowing him to do this to you.

This has to be one of the saddest threads I've read on here.

You are standing by watching them cuckold you.

Oh OP you deserve so so much better than this
Don’t allow yourself to be a consolation prize
You know that if she clicked her fingers he would drop you like a sack of shit and run off with her, and you’ll always know that, and you’ll always be waiting for it
You get one life, stop wasting it with someone who doesn’t want to be with you
You deserve to be loved

He wished her happy birthday!

You know op, I always say if you decide to stay then you get your answers about what went on, fix issues in your marriage then move on.

Here though I think your instinct is spot on. I think it was the fact it was her who said she wouldn’t leave and basically you know if she’d agreed he’d be gone.

Anyway the contact afterwards would have done it for me.

Throw the towel in. Three years of hell is not normal.

You are some lady not telling her husband everything. I would have been to see him the same day I found out. Perhaps you were afraid if you did that she would be kicked out and the inevitable might happen?

Consider telling him anyway?

If you tell him now and he kicks her out your H will always know she didn't choose him. Taste of his own medicine.

If he was so concerned about his marriage he would have been NC from day 1 .

I am aghast reading this thread. I really am. He is totally fucking you about.

Oh OP. You really want to believe he loves you and are believing his words and not his actions.

The reason other people have made it past an affair is because they have been completely transparent with each other. Your H is not, it’s no wonder you’re still feeling this way after three years.

Take a long hard look at his actions.

He hasn’t stopped contact. Why?
Because he wants to keep the door open.

He wants to stay with you. Why?
He’s tied into your family firm - what would he do if he had to leave the firm?
The OW doesn’t want to leave her successful husband.
So why would he leave you if he ends up potentially job less and without the woman he truly loves?
You are the best option left to him.

What happens when DC grow up and leave home? Can you visiualise yourself in 10/15 years time still going round this loop? Why do it to yourself?

Your DC will adapt and cope. Better they have happy parents than you demonstrating this half-marriage to them. No matter what you think, there will be an atmosphere and they will pick up on it. Is this the kind of marriage you want to model to them? Is emulating your relationship what you wish for them when they are older?

Wow, he's totally fucked you over. He's still in contact with her. He doesn't love you. He's a lying cunt.

OP. You may love him, but love yourself more.

He recently told her he loved her, in writing, and you STILL didn’t kick him to the kerb!

He probably does love you, but is treating you terribly and you have put up with it.

Have you had legal advice about your position and the family business? If not please get some. Why should he profit from it?

He probably has some bullshit idea about loving two people and enjoys the drama and ego boost. Yuck.

Wise words earlier from "thewreck" OP. You clearly cannot forgive him and do not trust him. As I said earlier, I am not saying you should. But I have said this to people before, if you cannot forgive and trust then there is no marriage.

I know it is hard to end a marriage especially if you still love them, but how many more years do you think that you can live like this?

So what if he goes to her? Would you rather he stayed with you because he can't have her? How can you live with him knowing that he is telling another woman that he loves her?

If he wanted to fix your marriage he would have no contact with her whatsover. He doesn't want to fix it.

I am so sorry, but you really do need to end this now, or forgive him and move on, which you can't do because he hasn't moved on!.