DH affair - Should I be 'over it' now?

[Tiredoffeelingthisway]

DH had an affair 3 years ago. Full blown physical and emotional to the point they talked about starting a life together.

At the time I told him to just leave but he begged for forgiveness etc. They never totally went NC and had low contact over the last 3 years but he insists its OW chasing. Not sure I believe him tbh. I do believe they haven't been together intimately since Dday though.

Anyway, I'm still not 'over it'. I think about what he has done every day and I just can't forget. I don't hate him all of the time and still love him. We've been together so long that our lives really are one, we have DC, family, friends, home, our business together. Both of us want to make it work but I can't shake that I feel:

-sad all the time about what he's done
-that I don't look at him the same way
-that our sex life is either wild and crazy after a row about OW (so he's prob thinking about her) or I don't want him anywhere near me
-I also cannot get thoughts of what they've done together out of my head (stuff we haven't done and I wouldn't do)
-I feel empty
-the OW still consumes so much of me and that I have to see her all the time (she's a school mum)

We've had counselling (IC and MC) which has helped with some of the issues but none of the above.

For those of you that have stayed, do you still have these feelings and have you accepted them?

Or, after all this time I should be over it and shouldn't still be feeling this way?

I really feel for you, it sounds awful.

How can he say that he didnt' even notice the OW at that PTA ball if he kept on looking at her? He is not being honest. It must be this sort of thing that is so hard for you. Having to see her.

Could you be more specific about what sort of contact they still have because that is AWFUL. How do you know about it and what form does it take?

He is leaving the door open. His self-esteem issues mean he gets off on the attention. He can't stop himself eyeing her up in public.

No wonder you can't get over it. It isn't over.

It seems blindly obvious to me as an outsider that it is only a matter of time before he is at it again. There's a part of your brain that knows it but you are trying to block it out.

Sounds like you don't really want to be in this relationship. You want to be in a different one. In the la la land you are in right now you are on the fool's errand of trying to pretend your actual relationship can magic into something different and better. I suspect you are mostly afraid of change and of the unknown.

When you kicked him out previously how far did you get on planning your divorced future? How long was he living elsewhere before you let him back?

Your feelings are not the problem, the problem is he is still in contact with her so it never really ended. Why are you putting up with this and putting yourself through this?

I have seen a counselor alone for 2 years now.

They prob are both longing for each other but both say they’ve moved on. More lies probably.

We haven’t had any time apart because we were committed to staying together for DC at the outset and for us too.

SeaCabbage, like checking to see how the other is, talking to each other when they’ve bumped into each other (never spoken at school though). This is always happens privately and I only find out when I see a msg from OW about how nice it was to ‘talk’ or whatever Or if he confesses because he’s worried someone might have seen them or something.

But they both insist it’s always innocent and accidental.
Msgs on birthdays too and he called her on her birthday.

She said it was only him saying happy birthday and it was totally innocent but it’s hard to believe either of them.

I do want to be with him. I love him and I love our DC and the life we have built.

What I don’t love is how I still feel so shit about it and I’m trying to work out whether these shitty feelings will ever totally disappear or not.

If they won’T then I have to think long and hard about what’s left.

Oh crikey! I am sure you have been on MN long enough to know that there must be no contact between the two! That is so wrong on every level.

He had an affair for a year?? With sex and "running off together feelings"? And now he thinks he can still message her and talk to her and you should be ok with that? No no no. I cannot believe that this is the case. Hasn't your counsellor said otherwise?

Why didn't he just fuck off with her then? If he wants to be with you he should be with you, not half with her. That is so shit.

What would happen to the business if you split up? Could you still run it?

Oh Tired you have to insist he goes NC if you want to stand any chance of staying with him. He is not respecting you in any way by staying in touch with her. He is not showing you love, he is not showing remorse etc.

Bollox to his self-esteem issues, what about the promises he made to you when you committed to each other for the rest of your lives - exclusively?

Please, please don't tolerate this - for the sake of your own mental health and the potential for you to have any future happiness.

You’ve tried. For three years. The marriage and happiness is over, by the sounds of it. The affair isn’t, if they are messaging each other. You can carry on with him of course, but you’ll carry on feeling shit. I’m so sorry, OP. This is no life for you. Your kids will sense unhappiness deep down even if they don’t know the reason. If you stay, it won’t be for them. This is really not doing anyone any favours.

Listen to your feelings - they are telling you the truth.

It is now an emotional affair (at the very least...).

Have you insisted to both NC and they are ignoring it?

So disrespectful - not the actions of a man in remorse.

My money is that they are just playing a waiting game to when the can be together - whats milestones are there? Kids moving school. leaving home, business being sold etc?

Your counselling is helping you "see" it through your feelings.

Oh OP this is horrible. He is not putting you first, he is not remorseful, he is not doing anywhere near what he should be doing to repair your trust in him.

No more contact with the OW is non-negotiable. But you shouldn't have to beg for that.

The fact that it hasn't happened would spell the end for me, I'm afraid. You don't have to live with the pain he is still putting you through - he is not on your side.

If you stay with him, yes it's as good as it will get. If you leave him you have your whole life ahead of you.

"But they both insist it’s always innocent and accidental.
Msgs on birthdays too and he called her on her birthday.

She said it was only him saying happy birthday and it was totally innocent but it’s hard to believe either of them."

They are mocking you here. They must be pissing themselves behind your back that you swallow this - they are two very cruel c**ts.

Another20 just said exactly what I was going to.
It seems pretty obvious that they are biding their time until they can be together. Perhaps waiting until kids finish school etc?
I am amazed that you would agree to continued contact between them! It is not appropriate to wish Happy Birthday to the person he cheated on you with for 3 years! He called her? See first comment above.
They are still in a relationship.
Unmumsnetty hugs to you, I hope you have good friends around you for when the time comes.

Counselor always stresses NC and gives him a bollocking if I mention they’ve spoken. He always has an excusecready like it was accidental, it was just one second, it was just about x,y,z.

He did want to be with her but she didn’t want to leave her DH when it All came out.

She said she ‘told him to go back’ to me and has a much more comfortable life then she’d ever have had if she’d left. Her DH is a nice successful sweet guy and she told my DH she couldn’t and wouldn’t leave him.

I’d be fine as the business is my family run and DH works in it as opposed to owning it. But we built our life together from scratch and it’s hard to throw it away when we both do love each other.

I just want the feelings of loss and sadness to go and things to be like they were before

I don't think you should be 'over it' by any means, but I think it's concerning that it still affects you this much. It's awful that you have to see her, and that he still speaks to her..! She should be banished from your lives as much as possible.

My DH cheated before we married. We are happier than we have every been now (2 years on in a few months) but contact was stopped immediately and we moved area. No DC involved either. I feel sad occasionally but it's quite rare, largely I have mentally put it in a box on the shelf. I couldn't have done that in your situation though, it sounds really tough still I remember doing and thinking some of the things you do. It's a painful journey, but I don't think he is helping you as much as he should be x

I think you’re burying your head in the sand here. He called her on her birthday?! They’re taking you for an absolute mug!

They're both seriously taking the piss. Ringing each other on birthdays etc, I'm stunned. No wonder you feel so shit as it doesn't sound like they've really finished it.

How would he feel if you had put him in this situation? Ask him that. Sure as hell he wouldn't be putting up with this second best treatment. It's cruel and nasty.

You will never be over it while they are still secretly meeting and she is sending messages about how nice it was to chat.

There should be none of that.

If he thought he could do it without you finding up it would be another dirty little secret he would keep from you.

He has wasted 3 years of your life not going NC and not fully commiting to you.

He clearly does not love you as you love him. Look at his actions not what he says.

Don't you think that is enough of your life he has wasted.

Does the rest of school/PTA/rugby etc know about the affair?

How did the affair come to light OP? Did you find out hence why it ended? And ask yourself, if you hadn’t found out, do you think that you would still be together or would he have left you for OW by now? Given that they were planning a life together?

It is true that marriages can be rebuilt after an affair, but part of that is A, complete transparency, and B, complete detachment from the affair partner. While it’s true that OW is part of the school mum crowd and as such it might be more difficult to cut her off altogether, there need be no contact by phone, email, text that kind of thing if he is serious about wanting to work things out with you.

Also, often while the discovery of the affair does bring the cheat up short and make them realise what they’re about to lose, it’s also true that the only reason the affair often ends is because their partner finds out and they end up having no choice in the matter.

If he had come far enough to want to leave the relationship with you and only came back because the affair was discovered, then he needs to do a lot more self analysis to see whether it actually is the case that he wants you or whether he in fact has been backed into a corner. If he genuinely wanted to be with you then he would have cut all contact with the OW without question. His words are telling you one thing, but sadly his actions are telling you something else.

And, how is it that the OW got away with being able to keep all from her DH?

The thing is you say you love each other but your DH is not currently behaving as though he loves you. And that is what you need.

This matter of the accidental meetings etc it's just so cruel to you. Can he not see that? Surely your marriage cannot go on if he cannot see something so fucking obvious. Sorry but I am just so furious on your behalf.

I can really understand what you are saying about wanting things to be how they were before. But they just can't and I think you have to accept that. Your future will be different to how you imagined it would be four years ago.

But the only way that you will be able to cope and for the relationship to survive in a healthy, loving, nurturing way is for your arse of a husband to buck his ideas up 100%.

Personally I would go and see a solicitor, work out exactly what would happen if you split up and seriously consider it. You might think you don't want to throw this life away but your new life could be so much better.

I just want the feelings of loss and sadness to go and things to be like they were before

Thats NEVER going to happen.

She said she ‘told him to go back’ to me and has a much more comfortable life then she’d ever have had if she’d left. Her DH is a nice successful sweet guy and she told my DH she couldn’t and wouldn’t leave him.

She is having her cake and eating it.

Their lies are not even consistent. He says she is "chasing him", but then both say they "accidentally" meet up?

No one knows.

Oh OP, he's completely mugging you off. The messages and happy birthdays are completely unacceptable. How are you supposed to get past it when he's being such an inconsiderate nob!

He needs to go completely NC if you want to try and move past it. if you're important enough to him he will, if not, then show him the door. He can't have it both ways. Balls to his issues. You and the OW's DH are the victims in this, not your husband. He should be kissing your feet for giving him another chance.

If you can't get over it, then you do need to split up. I am not condoning his behaviour in any way, believe me, but 3 years on, you really shouldn't still be thinking about it all the time.

But.... him still having some contact with her is what is keeping it fresh in your mind all the time, because you do not trust him, and with good reason.

He needs to agree to go totally NC. You really do need to decide if you can get over it or not. I am not saying that you are wrong to feel like you do, but the point I am trying to make, badly, is that you cannot remain in the marriage if you do not trust him and cannot get over what he did.

I hate cheaters, but if a couple stay together, they do need to find a way of dealing with it and putting it behind them. He is not truly committed to that because he still has some contact with her.

He called her on her birthday??!

My dear, he is not and has no intention of going NC.

He can be as waily and apologetic as he likes, but the facts speak for himself.

He has destroyed your family and future and it is done. There’s no going back. Don’t make the fallacy of thinking you have a choice in this. It’s like wishing someone where alive when they are dead.