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Original poster

DH affair - Should I be 'over it' now?

137 replies

Tiredoffeelingthisway · 10/05/2018 08:45

DH had an affair 3 years ago. Full blown physical and emotional to the point they talked about starting a life together.

At the time I told him to just leave but he begged for forgiveness etc. They never totally went NC and had low contact over the last 3 years but he insists its OW chasing. Not sure I believe him tbh. I do believe they haven't been together intimately since Dday though.

Anyway, I'm still not 'over it'. I think about what he has done every day and I just can't forget. I don't hate him all of the time and still love him. We've been together so long that our lives really are one, we have DC, family, friends, home, our business together. Both of us want to make it work but I can't shake that I feel:

-sad all the time about what he's done
-that I don't look at him the same way
-that our sex life is either wild and crazy after a row about OW (so he's prob thinking about her) or I don't want him anywhere near me
-I also cannot get thoughts of what they've done together out of my head (stuff we haven't done and I wouldn't do)
-I feel empty
-the OW still consumes so much of me and that I have to see her all the time (she's a school mum)

We've had counselling (IC and MC) which has helped with some of the issues but none of the above.

For those of you that have stayed, do you still have these feelings and have you accepted them?

Or, after all this time I should be over it and shouldn't still be feeling this way?

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 10/05/2018 12:50

It’s not you, it’s the fact he hasn’t cut contact. You need to see the message he sends saying he can’t ever speak or message to her again, and you need to tell him if they ever speak again you will tell her dh everything. If he can’t tell her that and understand you are serious you can’t possibly move on. If he can’t walk past her without saying hello he isn’t trying hard enough at his marriage.

hellsbellsmelons · 10/05/2018 12:50

He is taking you for an absolute fool.
Please kick his arse out - today!!!!

another20 · 10/05/2018 12:50

Have you insisted they go NC and they have ignored you?

timeisnotaline · 10/05/2018 12:51

And see that he has blocked her on phone , fb, whatsapp and everything else and have free rein to check she is still blocked whenever you like.
They would be my minimum conditions.

Gloryificus · 10/05/2018 12:53

Your H is still stoking the fire of his affair with birthday msgs n calls, bumping into eachother. Is he crying at her too or does he enjoy the quick catch ups?
You can't get over it if he's still keeping her in his thoughts and allowing her access to him. He should be disgusted by his behaviour if he's being honest so disgusted that he doesn't want to hurt you further by remaining in contact, he should have blocked n deleted her forgotten her birthday and he crossing the street when he sees her out of respect for the wife he betrayed so badly.

It sounds so incredibly tough seeing her still at school and at other activities. They both were and still are unbelievably selfish to never consider the fallout of this considering both families live in same community!!

Original poster
Tiredoffeelingthisway · 10/05/2018 12:57

Diamonds, I discovered their affair one night when he was smiling looking at his phone. He always had it with him and that night I snatched it out of his hands while he was writing her a loved up message right in front of me. It was about a house they’d been looking at on rightmove and how he couldn’t wait to ‘wake up with her in it soon’.

He panicked and I threatened to tell her DH and she panicked and they both said it was nothing and stupid. But as the weeks went by it all came out.

But by then she was adamant she didn’t want to be with him and he said he got carried away but loved me and DC and didn’t want to ruin their lives. I was an emotional wreck and I know he felt guilty looking at the harm he had caused me and he wouldn’t have left then.

So I don’t know if he would have left for OW. I don’t think he would have. She claims she didn’t want him and he prob felt he had to stay for his family.

But we have moved forward A LOT since then and he says now he loves me and wants us to work for us not just for DC.

OP posts:
Dozer · 10/05/2018 12:59

Three years on he’s still in contact with OW - and not acknowledging this/lying about it - and you still feel terrible.

He didn’t choose to stay, he was rejected by OW. You didn’t kick him out then and have not done so for him continuing contact, so he basically faced almost no consequences or fear of losing you and your joint life. He is not acting like you are a high priority.

You have to see her, her DC and her (unaware of the full facts) DH regularly.

In your shoes I would end the relationship and be honest with friends and family about why.

Blushlove · 10/05/2018 13:04

I'm so so sorry you're going through this it sounds horrendous.

From your posts it comes across that he would have left had it not been for her saying no, you do not deserve to be the consolation prize! He may still love you but the fact he can't quite go NC and still feels the need to ring her and say Happy Birthday is not him choosing to save his marriage.

He should be ignoring her anytime she speaks to him, even just waking away! I just think you deserve so much more.

mzcracker · 10/05/2018 13:11

I can only imagine what you're going through. The reason you're struggling to move on is because you know he's not fully over it either.
She's clearly still in the picture. That needs to end if you really want to save this marriage.
Personally I couldn't get over this. 3 years is a long time, I think you gave it your best shot but he doesn't seem like he's actually sorry.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 10/05/2018 13:11

He now says he loves you. Okaaay. He's keeping his options open though. The second she leaves her DH, you won't see him for dust. He wants her bit will settle for you instead for now because it's easier than being honest and leaving to be single.

You are being a massive mug. Sorry. I feel somsad for you. But still, you are being taken for a total mug competely brazenly.

You can't force him to want you instead of her. It is outside of your control. His decision is already made and he hasn't chosen you, even though the words he says try to mug you off until the real plan is ready to enact.

If I were you I'd tell her husband. Then your DH and his DW will be free to prance off into the sunset and you can start rebuilding your life according to your own schedule not have it sprung on you in a few months/years time.

SandyY2K · 10/05/2018 13:11

I'm sorry but all that birthday nonsense wouldn't fly with me.

He cannot be friends and be in contact with his former mistress

Unless it is absolutely impossible...such as woman I worked with who's husband had an affair with her brother's wife.
They had to see each other at family events, but he was not allowed to talk to her and vice versa.

There is absolutely no reason for them to remain in touch. It's this kind of behaviour that actually causes the final breakdown of marriages after an affair.

He might do a lot of things on the list...but NC is a must.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 10/05/2018 13:12

This affair is not over and clearly your H will jump as soon as she gives the signal. Meanwhile you have connived with the pair of them to deceive her poor husband for three fucking years. Why? Don't you think he deserves to know who he's married to?

If no one knows: TELL EVERYONE. Burn their comfortable lives down, because they fully intend to do the same to your and her DH when the time comes.

Adora10 · 10/05/2018 13:13

He is not just a cheating prick but he's a disrespectful git to boot; they are indeed both taking the actual piss out of you; get rid OP, that's why you feel shit, cos he's never stopped his crap, you should not have to be dealing with this 3 years later; I honestly don't know how you can be in the same room as him, the two of them like love torn teenagers, actually sickening, he even thinks you're stupid, spending the night eyeing her up, where's your pride, where's your anger OP???

another20 · 10/05/2018 13:15

They are still in a relationship (emotional and/or physical).

Your DH still has deep feelings for her, as PP said SHE dumped him when it came to light - so he is still pining for her.

This is why you still feel so raw, because emotionally (at the very least) it is still going on right under your nose.

Ignore his words and any overt grand gestures - watch his actions quietly - leering after her at the ball, preempting being spotted, proactively contacting her, accidentally bumping in to her, minimising....tells you all you need to know.

The relationship must have been very deep and advanced to be house hunting together. He has left your marriage emotionally. Maybe wouldn't still be there if he didn't need the job you provide? Or is waiting for some other milestone in her life to come through?

She is having her cake and eating it.....or at least enjoying teasing him, having him chase her.

You have insisted they go NC. They refuse and minimise and lie for each other on the (rare?) occasions they are caught out.

No wonder you are still traumatised - this is horrific.

Dozer · 10/05/2018 13:16

His choices were to stay with you or to be single and face all the emotional, practical, business and financial consequences. He stayed, but his behaviour then and since has not reassured you.

He must not think you will end the relationship.

Dozer · 10/05/2018 13:18

Yeah, I don’t think OP did right by OW’s H either, but to be fair he is not her responsibility and if he wanted information he could have approached OP or her H.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 10/05/2018 13:21

This is always happens privately and I only find out when I see a msg from OW about how nice it was to ‘talk’ or whatever You know they're not talking, right?

BadTasteFlump · 10/05/2018 13:21

But we have moved forward A LOT since then and he says now he loves me and wants us to work for us not just for DC

He needs to put his money where his mouth is and prove it then. He needs to do whatever he needs to to prove to you that he will no longer have any contact with her, under any circumstances, ie block her on his devices, blank her in the street if he does happen to see her, the lot.

I don't see how he can come up with any argument against doing that tbh.

BadTasteFlump · 10/05/2018 13:23

And meant to say - have you told him he 100% has to do this?

another20 · 10/05/2018 13:25

But the OP must have already given them this NC ultimatum many, many times over the last 3 years.....but there seems to be no consequences?

bringbacksideburns · 10/05/2018 13:29

I don't normally say speak out but in this case I would because you have nothing to lose. I would contact her husband as if you are presuming he already knows and say "Please can you tell X to stop contacting my husband? We are now 3 years on."

I would do that because there have been no repercussions for her. You are going through Hell, her life is still the same - and she is taking the piss out of you.

Your husband's reaction when he finds out will be telling. ( Don't tell him you are doing it.) If he honestly looks like he doesn't care then maybe it's worth staying.

But honestly- you have tried but it's not working is it? Someone who begs and pleads with you to try again doesn't contact the OW on her Birthday. It's disrespectful.

I hope you realise that you are worth more.

BadTasteFlump · 10/05/2018 13:29

Yes I suppose that's what I'm getting at - but that's her call obviously. Tbh I don't understand how anybody could believe that he does love her and wants their relationship to work when he hasn't done this most basic thing Sad

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 10/05/2018 13:29

Kick him out. File for divorce.
He is biding his time as others have said.

You are in the power position regarding the family business. Your kids will be fine. What you don’t want is to lose the respect of your children. When they find out (and they will at some point) and you didn’t leave...they will think very much less of you. Would you want one of your dc to stay in this scenario? This is what you are modeling for their future relationships.

BadTasteFlump · 10/05/2018 13:30

Bringback but that doesn't help restore trust for the OP does it? It may stop OW contacting him again, but as before, it's not of his own doing. He needs to be proactive and start showing that he means what he says.

narkedwithanarc · 10/05/2018 13:33

I'd be telling him in no uncertain terms - if he is in contact with her, the marriage is over. No ifs, no buts, no 'we just bumped into each other'. Zero contact. That's your only offer, and if he wants things to work, that's what he has to do.

He doesn't get to just get out of a full blown affair with no consequences. He's got his cake and is eating it too, and it needs to stop for the sake of you and your kids.