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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH affair - Should I be 'over it' now?

137 replies

Tiredoffeelingthisway · 10/05/2018 08:45

DH had an affair 3 years ago. Full blown physical and emotional to the point they talked about starting a life together.

At the time I told him to just leave but he begged for forgiveness etc. They never totally went NC and had low contact over the last 3 years but he insists its OW chasing. Not sure I believe him tbh. I do believe they haven't been together intimately since Dday though.

Anyway, I'm still not 'over it'. I think about what he has done every day and I just can't forget. I don't hate him all of the time and still love him. We've been together so long that our lives really are one, we have DC, family, friends, home, our business together. Both of us want to make it work but I can't shake that I feel:

-sad all the time about what he's done
-that I don't look at him the same way
-that our sex life is either wild and crazy after a row about OW (so he's prob thinking about her) or I don't want him anywhere near me
-I also cannot get thoughts of what they've done together out of my head (stuff we haven't done and I wouldn't do)
-I feel empty
-the OW still consumes so much of me and that I have to see her all the time (she's a school mum)

We've had counselling (IC and MC) which has helped with some of the issues but none of the above.

For those of you that have stayed, do you still have these feelings and have you accepted them?

Or, after all this time I should be over it and shouldn't still be feeling this way?

OP posts:

Fflamingo · 10/05/2018 13:35

I think part of the problem is that her DH doesn't know. So everyone is dancing to OW and DH's tune of pretending all is well, and that she can swan into school dance with him ogling her - presumably the rest of the PTA have sussed something happened ( or would be suspicious with DH's behaviour) and you Ms Muggings have to suck it up.
The fact that it was OW who finished it says little for DH's intentions. If her DH knew the OW would not be (supposedly) chasing DH, in fact they would prob be the ones who moved away to start afresh. At least she would be avoiding you and DH like the plague and desperately concentrating on her own DH and their marriage.
I think this has skewed everyone's behaviour. And the fact that OW is looking glam and confident (as her DH doesn't know) whilst you are upset and sad is bound to be the case.

Lupercalia · 10/05/2018 13:37

Trust me here - people will know about them.

And he does not love you.

He does not.

NO ONE who loves another treats them as he has you and as he continues to do.

MissEliza · 10/05/2018 13:37

I don't think you can really get over something that isn't over. The fact he is still in contact with her and you still see her would be a deal breaker for me.

SunshineandRain18 · 10/05/2018 13:40

He messages her happy fucking birthday! Oh no sorry rings her

Accidental meet ups secret meet ups I'm sorry but if he sees her he should have nothing to say, but walk in the opposite direction. Quite literally!

It's all bullshit. Wake up!

Johnnyfinland · 10/05/2018 13:40

OP I'm so sorry, this must be heartbreaking. But this isn't the behaviour of a man who loves you and wants to be with you. Give him an ultimatum - he either blocks her (with you watching him do it) and goes totally NC or it's over, and see how he reacts. If he was truly devoted to you he would have done that without you even having to ask. Honestly the mental torture won't get better. I've been with someone who insisted they wanted to be with me despite still being in love with an ex, he kept saying he'd tell her he was serious about me and stop talking to her as if they were still together but it was all lies. All it did was make him more furtive about the contact he was having with her, and he eventually ended it with me and tried to get back with her (she turned him down, and I'm now NC with him). Honestly, it's so liberating to have him out of my life and I really would advise that you leave because unless he proves with his actions that it's you he wants, this is how it'll be forever

bringbacksideburns · 10/05/2018 13:41

Flump - I know but I would call his bluff. I think it's obvious the trust is gone after all this time. He says he isn't the one contacting her and it's vice versa but they are both as bad. I also believe the affair would have continued if they hadn't been discovered but she dumped him because she was worried her husband would find out.
You owe her nothing.

Original poster

Tiredoffeelingthisway · 10/05/2018 13:42

I have told him NC since day 1.

I don’t think they are still having an affair emotional or otherwise.

It seems to be a low level of contact where they don’t let go of each other.

I say this but they told each other they still love each other a few months ago. I don’t want to go into that but he says I pushed him to her after a particurly huge fight. It was only a text message I saw because I pick up his iMessages on the iPad Sometimes. But it was clear that was a conversation after a long time. The other contact he says has been accidental.

And in MC he said he said he doesn’t know why he said it to her. And that he didn’t mean it.

I think that was him keeping the door open again.

He is promising now he will never ever speak to her again and that this is it. But I don’t trust him and I’m so bloody sad. I’m too old to start over again. And I want my husband back.

OP posts:

Cricrichan · 10/05/2018 13:45

It's clear that the only reason he's staying is because ow won't leave her husband, he works for your family business (would he have a job if you split?) , He'd rather be with you than be on his own as he gets to keep his family etc.

another20 · 10/05/2018 13:46

Is he waiting for your family business to be passed to you so that he can then divorce you and claim half?

Original poster

Tiredoffeelingthisway · 10/05/2018 13:46

Actually he told her he loved her but she didn’t say she felt the same. She said some bullshit like she still cares and it’s hard.

OP posts:

mzcracker · 10/05/2018 13:48

He's still infatuated with her op.
He can't be present or committed to your marriage and still telling another woman he loves.
That fact that he blamed you for pushing him into it is..well frankly it's bullshit and you know it.
He did it because he wanted to and he know he could trot out some horseshit and you'd accept it.
This is no way to live.

joystir59 · 10/05/2018 13:48

Why don't you give yourself a break from this immense pain and heartache OP and at least separate from.him for a while. He has maintained contact with and interest in this other woman despite what he's put you through and despite his pleadings. Take a break from him and draw some free and clean breath into your lungs. It will be hard but you may find huge relief and peace at taking back control of your life. And you will be showing your DC that being married does not equal being a doormat. I do not for one second believe that he hasn't responded to OW's messages in last 3 years

Original poster

Tiredoffeelingthisway · 10/05/2018 13:49

Fuck this. I am sick of feeling this way.

OP posts:

bringbacksideburns · 10/05/2018 13:50

How old are you??

75? Cos my mum's friend got divorced in her sixties and then married again and moved to Spain at the age of 70.

Come on OP. Stop being treated like shit.

I'd rather be on my own then someone's second choice.

You seem like you've allowed them both to walk all over you.

SilverHairedCat · 10/05/2018 13:51

Good for you OP. You've tried so hard, but let's face it the bastard is having his cake and eating it - at your cost.

Sounds to me like you could boot him out and be able to keep going with the business etc.

Original poster

Tiredoffeelingthisway · 10/05/2018 13:52

Joy yes I need some space to think. I don’t ever have space because I have to see her every goddamn day.

I’m always frightened if we have space he’ll run to her but at least that answers a lot of questions.

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 10/05/2018 13:54

Why would you want to keep living like this? What for...? Either you accept he’s still got a thing for her or move on....really sorry but I’d move out

Mxyzptlk · 10/05/2018 13:55

His whining and begging is all about him. He's doing nothing to gain your trust. In fact he's blaming you for him still contacting the OW.
That is him contacting the OW not her chasing him.

This guy isn't trying to save the marriage, he's doing exactly what suits him and expecting you to go along with it.
So why on earth would you be able to get 'over it'?

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 10/05/2018 13:55

He's still telling her he loves her? Do what you should have done three years go and tell him you need him to move out so you have space to process what he's done and what you want. At least six months. And tell people why - you don't have to say who the affair was with if you don't want to (though I still think her H deserves the truth) but he needs to accept there are consequences to his behaviour and one of them is that friends and family will think badly of him. At the moment you are the only person who has suffered from their actions.

Helmetbymidnight · 10/05/2018 13:55

I'm sorry, he doesn't seem to respect you anymore. :(

Otherwise he would have moved heaven and earth for you: not call her on her birthday and have sneaky chats.

I can't understand why you didn't tell her DH the full story either. Well, I mean, you felt that if she was free he would be with her I suppose - doesn't that speak volumes?

Hissy · 10/05/2018 13:55

You said for him to leave.

He begged to stay - on your grounds that it was OVER, there and then.

But he has NOT done ANYTHING to uphold that begged promise.

He needs to go.

You have done 3 years of humiliation, Not only have you lost a friend, you've lost your H, the life you and he had worked so hard to build. it's all gone and won't ever be the same way again.

because he cheated on you and by keeping the candle glowing for her is continuing this affair - albeit emotionally now.

I know what living with someone who doesn't love you does to a person, to think that you are 2nd best absolutely kills any self-esteem you have.

You have seen the list of things that are needed for any hope to try to recover from an affair - he's not doing ANYTHING on that list. You have no chance of fixing this, not when you didn't break it!

It was about a house they’d been looking at on rightmove and how he couldn’t wait to ‘wake up with her in it soon’. That was the moment your entire marriage and future with this guy died. There is literally no way on earth that level of betrayal would be survivable love.

I'm so sorry. :(

Please understand that you and your life WILL be better without him in it. Your DC will be fine, they will get strength from their amazing mother.

Hissy · 10/05/2018 13:57

You are not too old to start again, and your H is gone. the one you had is not longer in exsitence.

Please see this and rip off the plaster, it will be better when you have done.

SunshineandRain18 · 10/05/2018 13:58

Wow! He is still in an emtional affair OP please open your eyes.
I would chuck him out, tell people why and tell OW's DH.
I don't think you will listen to advice here because you are in denial and trying to find a way to move past it. You can't!

He told her he still loves her. That's all the evidence you need. This is your life and I get that. But do you really want to continue living this way?
I'm being harsh I know this. But sometimes people have to be!

BadTasteFlump · 10/05/2018 14:00

Oh OP

I think you get it completely actually, it's clear from your posts you know what's still going on, but are understandably feeling like you don't know where to go from here.

But you're not too old to start over again. If you were 80 you still wouldn't be too old. There is always more life to live and you deserve to live it feeling happy and free from all this shit.

And wanting your husband back? The husband you thought you had didn't exist, I'm afraid, or he wouldn't have done any of this to you. But the most cruel part is that he's still there, pretending to be a husband to you, therefore not allowing you to grieve what you've lost

joystir59 · 10/05/2018 14:01

Let him run to her OP. You will gain back so much energy if you call time on this. You are too young to continue feeling crap like this.

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