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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A 2yr affair and she's pregnant

301 replies

Lifeunexpected · 07/05/2018 14:33

I know they'll be many people who will tell me to run. I'm prepared for this. I know I deserve better.

But I'm looking to speak to anyone who has stayed with their DH's following an affair, with the OW pregnant. My DH wants to be involved with the baby.

I've been with my DH for 17 years. We have a young son.

Has anyone managed this dilemma successfully? Or tried and it didn't work?

OP posts:
Starlight2345 · 16/05/2018 22:37

I don’t believe reason for divorce effects settlement. I divorced on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour . I am happy I have that documented many years later.

Also it isn’t up to him . It’s up to you

Lweji · 17/05/2018 01:08

As you're separated, the 6 month period shouldn't apply. Unless you only separated more than 6 months after finding out about the affair.

"However, this six months period only applies if the parties continue to live together after the discovery. If they have not lived together for more than six months after finding out about the adultery then this time limit is not relevant."

www.terry.co.uk/adultery.html

"You cannot give adultery as a reason if you lived together as a couple for 6 months after you found out about it."

www.gov.uk/divorce/grounds-for-divorce

DarthArts · 17/05/2018 01:26

Upshot is could you make it work with him?

Yes - if you're willing to live the rest of your life in subjugation by indulging and making compromises on a daily basis to a feckless man.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 17/05/2018 01:35

Not rtft but looks like you are getting ready to separate.
Basically your H has been having an affair since your DS was born. Nice.

He will do it the ow too. His twist is that by keeping you two stringing along as sister wives, he is free to go and find a third woman to cheat with as each of you will think he is with the other.

Don’t let your DS grow up in such a toxic environment.

Original poster
Lifeunexpected · 17/05/2018 08:28

Thank you, @Lweji I'm in a dilemma about if to move things forward as it might rock the boat with what he is offering (which is reasonable).

Thank you, everyone. It's just so bloody lonely. Each morning I wake and it's the realisation all over again. Everything I look at seems to be associated to romance, couples, affairs, babies, mental health, bereavement, being a parent; mother or a father. I can't escape what's happened.

My H will never realise the impact of his actions and how I feel as a mother now.

OP posts:
MrsSnootyPants2018 · 17/05/2018 19:08

I'd highly suggesting getting an appointment with a divorce lawyer ASAP. Get professional advice on how to continue.

It will be hard, but you need to sooner rather than later to help secure the future for yourself and your child xx

MrsCD67 · 17/05/2018 19:11

If he wanted to be with you then he wouldn't have put your relationship at risk just for a shag

MrsCD67 · 17/05/2018 19:12

You can do better than that. It's a toxic setup. If he's involved with the child, how will it be explained to your son?

Mxyzptlk · 17/05/2018 19:39

You've been completely clobbered by this and it's natural to find life difficult.
You were trusting while your H was (and is) a complete jerk.

Get legal advice on what you are entitled to and on whether you should accept 'what he is offering'.

mintbiscuit · 17/05/2018 19:46

OP, the fact that you get a divorce granted on the grounds of adultery makes no difference on settlement. The courts will decide the fairest settlement for both parties and do not take it into account.

What they will take into account is that he has 2 dcs to support now.

DrScully · 17/05/2018 19:46

If he does get with her, he’ll probably be overwhelmed and ‘anxious’ when the baby arrives.
Some (shit) men just can’t hack it.

Good luck OP! Flowers

RaspberryBeret34 · 17/05/2018 22:05

So sorry you've had a dip :/. It will be steps forward then backwards for a while and things will hit you unexpectedly but the overall progress will be upwards.

In time, hopefully you'll be able to get a sense of relief that you didn't spend more time pandering to a cheat. You and your son deserve so much more than that.

On the divorce, the reason for it won't affect settlement. I'd go and see a solicitor now to check things out. Then (assuming sol confirms his current offer is fine), proceed ASAP with everything. From experience, it's better to get things firmly sorted quickly before things change for him, he moves on and decides it'd be pretty convenient for him to have a bigger slice of the pie for himself.

Original poster
Lifeunexpected · 18/05/2018 21:50

Argh. I'm still going crazy!!!!!

OP posts:
Anasnake · 18/05/2018 21:56

Talk op, get it off your chest Flowers

Original poster
Lifeunexpected · 18/05/2018 22:02

I know what everyone will say. I know that I shouldn't be wasting my time thinking about him and his actions.....

But I'm desperate to know if he's in a relationship with the OW and to know if he's still lying to me! I saw his Mum today, so I know he's still living with her. But when I asked her if he was in a relationship with the OW she said - I don't know, I don't ask about it (she says she's too embarrassed about what he's done and isn't getting involved).

I think it would be much easier if he'd said "I don't love you. I'm leaving you for her". Instead he's giving me aload of mixed messages and I keep wondering- is he just doing what he's been doing for the last 2 years. I.e. Lying to prevent hurting me and being a coward.

OP posts:
Anasnake · 18/05/2018 22:13

Sounds like he's hedging his bets and stringing you both along. You need to go nc for your own sanity.

Original poster
Lifeunexpected · 18/05/2018 22:38

It's almost as though he admits 'hedging his bets'. As though it's the most normal thing to do. So....I guess I know that's what he's doing. Yet I crave certainty. A black and white situation.

I don't want him to be making a fool out of me for any longer than he has done. If they're in a relationship, then he should have the courtesy to tell me. If he's truly remorseful, then he should respect me and tell me the truth. What if his family and work colleagues know that they're in a relationship and believe that 'he left me' for her? It's either a) not accurate as he's saying his preference is to be with me OR b) he's lying to me and just being a coward.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 18/05/2018 23:36

He didn’t respect you when you were together, why would he suddenly change now?

GreenTulips · 18/05/2018 23:41

Why is this his decision?
Why aren't you making your decision?

He doesn't call the shots - you do

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 18/05/2018 23:52

If you want it black and white, make it black and white. Tell everyone - family, friends, workmates, OW - that you are divorcing him. Spell out the ways in which he has betrayed you - he made you and his tiny baby move out of your home while faking mental illness to facilitate adultery FFS! It's his shame not yours.
TAKE THE POWER AWAY FROM HIM.

OliviaStabler · 19/05/2018 00:18

Yet I crave certainty. A black and white situation.

You won't get that. He'll string you both along and, if you both take the bait, he'll pick one of you and drop the other.

Mxyzptlk · 19/05/2018 00:38

Of course he's lying to you and being a coward.
If he was genuinely remorseful he wouldn't be pissing around as he is doing.

Original poster
Lifeunexpected · 19/05/2018 08:32

@Joysmum @Mxyzptlk
I know! I agree. But I keep hoping that he's changed, realised what he's done and now he's being honest.

I hate him for everything he's done. Why can't he just be honest to himself and to those around him.

I feel like he's having this baby to make things better, so he can do things right this time. What about our son?

@GreenTulips @SchnitzelVonKrumm I can't seem to 'make the decision'. What's wrong with me? I can see everything he's done, yet it's not enough for me to do the most logical thing and run for the hills! I still want him to want me and demonstrate to me and everyone around me that he loves me, loves our relationship and this isn't the life that he wanted. That's what I'm searching for. I seem to think that's what will give me respect, rather than disregarding his words and actions.

@OliviaStabler I think you're right. Well, until he moves in with the Ow. Uncertainty is excruciatingly painful. It's sending me crazy. I barely slept last night.

OP posts:
Parentingissotough · 19/05/2018 08:44

@lifeunexpected someone may have recommended this up thread but there was an excellent radio 4 programme recently about a couple wgerecthr husband had a long standing affair. They stayed together. It was very interesting and may be helpful in terms of his motivations and thoughts / what it would be like if you had stayed together. You’re doing so well. Stay strong. Even if he told you something, you won’t know if it’s true. You need to focus on you. That’s the only behaviour / feelings / responses you can control. Don’t give him the power. You know he will abuse it.

Helmetbymidnight · 19/05/2018 08:50

Umm it must be hard and painful for you but I’m not sure what decision you are trying to make?
Your husband is having a baby with the woman he’s been in a relationship with for two years.
What do you need to decide? I really would focus on you and your ds now- your dh is not.

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