A 2yr affair and she's pregnant

[Lifeunexpected]

I know they'll be many people who will tell me to run. I'm prepared for this. I know I deserve better.

But I'm looking to speak to anyone who has stayed with their DH's following an affair, with the OW pregnant. My DH wants to be involved with the baby.

I've been with my DH for 17 years. We have a young son.

Has anyone managed this dilemma successfully? Or tried and it didn't work?

Oh OP, he's already demonstrated that's not true. If he loved you and loved your relationship you wouldn't be in this position. You deserve so much better and so does your son. If you can't be angry for yourself, be angry for DS - how dare this man treat your child so casually?

Is OW working?

As resident parent at the moment would you be able to get more of the assets to provide for your DC?

Once your H has another child to provide for if OW is on maternity or becomes a SAHP would you and your H's assets need to be split more equally to provide for his other child?

Be proactive to protect you and your DC even if you don't feel like it.

You need certainty and predictability and your own space.

-Kick him out
-Don’t take his calls for a few weeks
-Let DS make his own arrangements to see his dad

You need a bit of level breathing space. But most importantly you need to feel some control over your own life - take it. Painful as it will be.

What happens if you waste more time on him and saving the marriage for him to do it again or to give it a go with the other women.

He’s obviously very devious so for a start I wouldn’t believe everything he tells you.

What if you had an affair which then produced a child as a result would he forgive you and want to try and make it work, I suspect not.

I think he needs to leave and give you some time to think about what you want to do without having him around, I doubt either child when they are older will have much respect for him when they find out he cheated on his wife.

Nobody likes to be rejected by the person they feel best knows them. Nobody wants to be a victim.

Therefore by not processing both these facts, we are protection ourselves from the hurt and reality of it.

Different subject but this is what I, and many others have done in delaying processing I was in an abusive relationship. When I had counselling for my issues, my therapist it was actually quite common to deny or not face up to reality as that opens the door to a lot of hurt you don’t currently have. But until you do you don’t truly strat to heal and live again b

@Joysmum is that what it is? I feel embarrassed by the idea that the narrative around our relationship is - "he didn't love his wife and left her for an OW who makes him happier, and they're having a baby". I don't want to be seen as the fool that looked after him for two years with his supposed mental health issues, and that still wasn't good enough for him.

@Helmetbymidnight i know where you're coming from. The decision has actually already been made. I'm just struggling with the aftermath of what 'our relationship' looks like. And going crazy wondering if he's being truthful.

@Parentingissotough thank you, I'll look into the radio 4 programme. I suspect I already know what it's like trying to rebuild trust after deceit - as I did this for two years after I thought they'd been for drinks and had been talking on the phone to the OW. But everything "we" put in place to have transparency, he got around e.g. he used a old an iPhone linked to his Apple ID to show on 'Find my friends' that he was at home, when he was actually with her. I'm trying to focus on me. But it's so hard. My thoughts jut spiral all the time.

@SchnitzelVonKrumm I know. You're right. It's just really shit and it hurts.

@QuoadUltra thank you. He's already left our home. He's not getting in contact now without a purpose or unless I message him. Our DS is 2yrs old, so we have to make arrangements, unfortunately.

@eggsandwich thank you. I don't know what our DS will make of all this when he's older. Particularly when, as an adult, I'm struggling to get my head around it!

@magoria I've had the same thoughts....She works for the same company as him. So I'm better off having conversations sooner rather than later. But how can I when I don't feel ready for divorce or making a decision as to sell the family home?

But how can I when I don't feel ready for divorce or making a decision as to sell the family home?

You don't have a family home anymore, he fucked your family up! You need to pull your big girl pants on, see this loser for what he is and stop being a bloody doormat! If he doesn't ask to see your child then that's not your problem, it's his, don't run around after him begging him to see your child and doing the pick me dance FFS. My advice is to get yourself to a decent solicitor, and put you and your child first (as hard as it is), then start rebuilding a life for you and your child as well as rebuilding your confidence.

doing the pick me dance

Do you want him to pick you?

Because you can guarantee if he does, you'll dump him within 6 months

He has no respect for you - therefore have respect for yourself

@Locasta I'm aware that my family looks different now. By family home, I meant the house I'm living in with my DS that my H and I jointly own. I have to decide quickly what I need to do and what's best for me financially and emotionally, but I don't feel ready. I think that feeling is pretty human.

That's the thing, @GreenTulips. I'm coming to the realisation that I don't want him and couldn't cope with his level of emotional abuse and deceit. That's why I told him this week that I couldn't cope with 'trying' . So, in a way, I've already said no.

I just want him to still love me, miss me, feel miserable about what he's done, acknowledge the massive mistake he's made and tell everyone about it. That would give me a sense that he 'respects' our relationship still (and yes, I know, he didn't respect our relationship for the last two years, but you know!).

Do his parents know he's had a 2 year affair and got another woman pregnant?

What do they think about it if they know.

The thing you need to bear in mind is despite the initial time he was talking to the OW.

He got an old phone and continued with her. For 2 whole years from when your DS was a baby.

I'm not sure how long you've been married for, but he ditched his wedding vows without a thought.

He was not about to end the affair...You really don't know for sure that he has ended it and there's no reason he wouldn't continue once the baby is born and he goes to visit.

I feel embarrassed by the idea that the narrative around our relationship is - "he didn't love his wife and left her for an OW who makes him happier, and they're having a baby There's no evidence OW makes him happier, and he certainly won't make her happy - give it time, she'll be getting everything she deserves and more.

I don't know what our DS will make of all this when he's older. Here's the bit that's in your gift: he will either think its OK to treat people this way and expect them to suck it up (and he could be on either side of that equation) or understand that deceit and cruelty are unacceptable no matter how much love and care you have invested in someone. Which do you want to show him?

I don't want to be seen as the fool that looked after him for two years with his supposed mental health issues, and that still wasn't good enough for him.

No-one with any sense will think that of you.
You've been a loving, trusting, decent human being. He's been a slimy, scheming, deceitful dirtbag who is nowhere near good enough for you.

No one would think that - they will think- this guy had a long affair and now he’s got caught out and having a baby with her- what a chump.

But that’s not the point. You can’t live your life trying to make people think or not think a certain way. Forget what others are doing/may/may not be thinking.

Concentrate on giving and surrounding yourself with care/love and respect. You can do this.

No-one with any sense will think that of you

Nobody on this thread has even come close to saying nothing similar have they? Theyve all said he's an arse and you deserve better.

Just had a quiet little sob to myself. Thank you, everyone. I'll forever be grateful of this support.

I think I'm in a better place again... a couple of things that happened over the weekend that left me very hurt and angry (I found out another thing he did to convince me of his lies). I think that helped.

I'm going to go NC as much as I can with his family. I don't think it helped last week. I''m sticking to formal messages with the H too. I think I've found it hard because people who I don't know well are getting in touch to say they've heard the news. And yes, everyone has been lovely and supportive. I just hate being 'gossip' and this will forever be apart of my 'story'.

It will be part of your life story, but deep wounds eventually heal and become scars, which eventually fade until we get to a point where only in a moment of quietness do we notice them and remember what we went through.

You will get through this and it will pass.

Remember what Winson said 'when you are going through hell keep going'

*Winston

Oh OP, my heart breaks for you, what an awful situation to find yourself in.
Why do you want to stay with him? Do you truly want to forgive him, or are you frightened of being on your own after 17 years?
Although the affair may have ended, the baby will be a constant reminder for you ... how are you going to live with that? The baby also means that the other woman is always going to be a part of your life.
I hope whatever you choose to do you get some happiness

I have a friend who 20 years ago almost found out the same. Hers was she'd just found out she was expecting her third child. Her friend announced she was also pregnant ( didn't have a partner) it soon became known that her husband had got her friend pregnant. She obviously threw him out. But after a month or so he had convinced her that it had been a one off blah blah blah so he moved back in. She gave birth to their 3rd daughter, ow had a boy. The man wanted contact with the son. Move on a few months ,ow gets a new man and he is not happy with home visits, so her husband brings the boy into their family home ! Move on a few more years and my friend is having to accept this little boy staying weekends as in the husbands eyes he's his golden eyed son. I lost touch with her about 10 years ago but I sometimes wonder how it all panned out.

For me. I'd want to meet with him and the OW.

I'd want to see how he was with me, with her watching. See if he's being honest. And her reaction.

Because is he couldn't play happy families with both of us, while we are both there. To see through what he's been saying. To be the final nail, as such.

It's a terrible situation he has put you in. You've made the right decision, it could never have worked, you could never have trusted his lying cheating arse!

Even if he does end up with the OW - he couldn't cope with not being the centre of attention when your son was born, so he won't be any different with this second baby. She's in for a lifetime of misery, let them get on with it and focus on a new future for you and your DS. It will get easier with time.

I don't know what our DS will make of all this when he's older. Particularly when, as an adult, I'm struggling to get my head around it!

He won't think anything, because he won't know any difference. He is 2, this will not be a major upheaval in his life. At that age, kids adapt. My DD doesn't remember ever living in the same house as her dad. It has never affected her. This will be your son's 'normal'.

Should the time ever come when he wants to know why you never stayed together, just tell him the truth. As an adult, he will appreciate you not being a walkover.

Oh what a mess for you OP.

Regarding your embarrassment about people thinking you couldn't make him happy - in guarantee that absolutely no one will look at this situation and think that of you. The only logical thought is what an utter utter twat your husband is, and how awful his ow is. And how unfortunate for your son. No one will think badly of you.

Even if by some outside chance they did think badly of you, it will be a really helpful measure of who is worth having in your life or not.

I know you must be shocked but honestly, you must plan your future without this man. Your chance of happiness depends on being separated from him.

Once the shock has work off you'll be able to see clearer.

I just wanted to add my MIL story. Affair after second child that only ended when she called the OW's DH.
40 years later and it never just stayed in the past. It was a story DH grew up with. A very confusing position for a child in it all.
DFIL was dying and had a brain tumour. He requested the OW to come and visit him.
Poor MIL had to endure all those feelings over again. Not to mention brain tumours are not good on the personality/ filtering. She has spent a lot of time being angry about the affair again rather than being able to grieve his death. Luckily no kids from the affair
I had never considered how this would play out in later years. Young naive me thought you compatmentalised and got on with it. But it really can be rehashed all over again at any time. It has been so hard seeing her in that pain all over again and no where to direct it.