A 2yr affair and she's pregnant

[Lifeunexpected]

I know they'll be many people who will tell me to run. I'm prepared for this. I know I deserve better.

But I'm looking to speak to anyone who has stayed with their DH's following an affair, with the OW pregnant. My DH wants to be involved with the baby.

I've been with my DH for 17 years. We have a young son.

Has anyone managed this dilemma successfully? Or tried and it didn't work?

He's a clown.... don't feed his ego...

Oh OP of course someone will want you. I was in a long term relationship which started aged 16, we broke up after 8 years. Sometimes it’s just habit being with someone, being used to always having someone there. However when we split up I learn to do everything myself. I did the DIY, became independent and my confidence grew massively. It was only after being single for a few years I met my now DH who actually is the person I should be with. I know it’s not the same situation as you but please please don’t write yourself off because you have a child. My DM had two and has been married to my step dad for years.

Thank you. I wish I could believe everyone's positivity.

I keep thinking that I'll feel better at different parts of the day...when I'm with family, or with my DS, when I'm alone, having a shower, etc. But the pain doesn't go away. It's still there.

It doesn't feel like it's getting any easier. I'd usually talk to my H about everything. And now there's a void. I'm talking to my friends and family, but it's not the same. I feel like I'm going to burst.

Get a book and write it all down - never look at the previous day - keep going till you can't write anymore

It will be better and you'll be glad you got rid

He's not for you, he's an arse.

Good advice Green. Good luck Op - hang in there.

I think it's the shock.

But I'd also not really believe the things he is saying to you. You don't know what he says to her on the other side.

All you can do for now is get thro one day at a time. The pain is there yes. Just get thro today as best you can. Soon you will be able to cope better with the pain and you will be more used to thinking about your new reality. It hurts so much to be betrayed like this doesn't it.

I'm still in shock, definitely.

We were known as a couple who people admired. Yet, my H had an affair for two years and now she's pregnant. Over the last two years, he told me he'd been suffering with anxiety around family life, and used this against me to prevent me questioning/asking for more. He rang me when he felt guilty about his affair and I made him feel better about it (unknowingly). He lied to the OW and everyone at work. He had stories about our supposed separation. He lived two lives. My H! This isn't a story that I'm reading about. This is actually happening to me. My son will have a half sibling.

This is crazy. Absolutely bonkers!!

oh OP this is really hard for you and you are in shock.

I don't know if it helps but remember that people experience all sorts of family situations every day across the UK - you are not alone. Many people face heartbreak/ disappointment and can move on from it.

My advice to you is do not allow the rest of your life to be a slave to the lies of this man.

You will be doing your son absolutely no favours if you let your husband make you unhappy for years to come. Be strong, set out on your own and in a few years you will be in a completely different place.

So sorry you're going through all this. It's so tough, especially with such a little one. My ex husband had a 2 year (well, maybe longer but def 2 years) affair while I was pregnant and I found out and left when my DS was 1 (he is now 6).

I think you just need to keep putting one foot forward and focus on your DS as much as possible - what he needs. What will serve him best in the long run is a split now when he's tiny and won't remember it all. I honestly think if you try and carry on, the betrayal (not to mention the mother of his child OW and new child's presence to deal with) would split you up eventually and you'll feel worse at having wasted more time on it all.

Try not to analyse your gut feelings for now and go with what your head tells you. What would you tell a friend? What would your friends tell you? Then do that, take the physical practical steps and your heart WILL follow. It seems like you've invested a lot into making things OK for your H in the face of his MH difficulties and it is hard to stop that level of taking responsibility for him. I felt for a long time that I loved my ex unconditionally but that I'd lost the like/ability to love him actively and it was a strange and confusing half way house to be stuck in. It made me feel strangely comforted to think that trying to be with my ex could push me into a huge hole of a crisis if not a complete breakdown. I couldn't risk that with a small child to look after! So the decision was clear cut.

My DS is super happy and has no desire for my ex and I to get back together (the idea baffles him!). It's all totally normal to him (as it will be for your DS as he's so little). I've also dated a bit and met decent men totally fine with me having a child. Some weren't right for me but I've now met someone who absolutely is and we've been together nearly 3 years. He's brilliant with DS and DS adores him.

Another thought - WAS it truly the MH difficulties of dealing with family life or did the affair start and those were what he used to cover it? My ex totally mixed up issues that caused the affair with issues that the affair caused to mess up my head further and doubt myself.

Thank you, @waterrat. I know there are many versions of family- but I naively thought that mine would be nice and simplistic. My friends have always joked how drama free my life has been (in terms of relationships!). I've certainly made up for it. The added element, is that I'm the first in 'our' and my friendship groups separating from their married partners. My H and I had always speculated who might not work out, and I'd have never guessed it would be us. Like I say - naive!

@RaspberryBeret34 . It's stories like yours that give me hope. I'm so sorry you had to go through that too. Your last question is one that haunts me all the time. Which came first? The MH issues or the affair? Did I give him the most convenient cover story? I'd think anyone would be overwhelmed with anxiety and guilt if they were living two lives. He says that he's not even sure which came first and what was real MH difficulties and what was convenient. But that he certainly experienced anxiety around our DS - I could physically see that.

Thank you for this support system. I'm trying to find an anchor to hold onto. I know it should be my DS, but it's really hard right now. Then I feel guilty that I don't see him as the 'thing' that's keeping me going.

Oh OP, I really do feel for you.
Your DS is only two, still a baby really. Make the cut, rip the plaster off, get shot of this disloyal, thoughtless, unkind waste of space of a man and make a life for you and your little boy. Do it NOW so that your DS won't remember the disruption. Don't hang on for years and years letting him see his Daddy flit in and out of his life until finally one day you all realise it can't carry on, and then there's a boy who understands and feels so much more than a baby, and the damage is so much greater. Divorce him, wash your hands of him, and arrange access/contact for your DS now to normalise the amount of time he sees him.
You are worth so, so much more than this!

I had another phone conversation with my H last night, as we'd agreed to speak after the dust settled following the bereavement. I told him that as much as I wanted it to work, I don't think it could. I knew that he wouldn't be willing to meet my requirements of the OW and their baby. And he agreed that he couldn't have minimal contact with the baby. He was upset, but understood why. I don't think he actually thought it was really possible.

He even said that he wasn't sure he could do it - be in a relationship where I don't trust him. He referred to the last two years being 'hell' for him and it was hard for him to see me mistrusting him (despite the fact he was actually lying/deceiving etc!!). To which I obviously noted that I'm sure he wasn't thinking it was hell whilst they were having sex.

He's still saying that they're (OW and him) not in a relationship and he doesn't love her. That it's me that he wanted all along and now he's lost it. That he'll love me forever and forever kick himself for the mistake he's made. But he's also saying that he can't promise me or guarantee that he won't end up in a relationship with the OW. Apparently, he doesn't want me to go back to him in months/years to come and say that he lied to me! Ha! He says - who knows what their relationship might bring...and he's got nothing left.

I should feel empowered because the decision has been made. Instead, I feel like I've lost the power now. Like he now knows that we're not going to try, so it's given him the green light with her. One path is blocked off, so he might as well try the other.

Is this really how people think? Do they weigh up probabilities in the face of losing everything? Is it just human? I can't imagine doing that. But he makes it sound so....logical!

Who would want to be someone's back up plan? It was bad enough knowing I was one of two options to him!

Who would want to be someone's back up plan?

I doubt she knows she was a back up plan. She might be thinking the same about you.

Well he doesn't want to alone and any things better than nothing

He sounds like a user!

Stop thinking about him and his plans use that time and energy to think of yourself

Massive roll eyes at him having been through "hell" for the last 2 years. What would have happened if you had anxiety around your DS or PND or any one of a number of conditions requiring him to step up?!

He's probably just fudging it with the OW for now, saying he needs to sort his head or something. It'll appear to her close enough that she has been chosen or she'll convince herself of that. I've no idea what my ex said to his OW but can guarantee it is nowhere near what he has said to me (and still says) or she would've run a mile! she put on her FB page, around the time I found out about the affair, a Johnny Depp quote "If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second one.". That made me laugh!

I think the best thing you can do now is allow yourself some time to heal, your brain will want to rake over everything endlessly and probably needs to do some of that but also try and do things that make you happy and take your mind off it too. I remember allowing myself half an hour, say, to think about it then attempting to shelve it. Make plans with friends, take your son places and enjoy him etc. I found it helpful to make a (secret) Pinterest board with things I wanted for my future. You will get there.

Ok.....you're right @GreenTulips. I keep going back to trying to figure him out. I keep trying to trust him, still. I keep wanting to know what's real and what's not.

So I'll step away from my pity party and focus on me for this post. Things that are helping me or show that I've moved forward since he moved out:

I'm in a less zombie state.
I no longer feel like I'm in a permanent state of nausea.

I can actually open my eyes and see things now (sounds dramatic, but this was so hard in the beginning).
I'm now eating 3ish 'meals' a day.
I'm sleeping fairly well without sleeping tablets now.
Crying is more intermittent.
I started to crave time alone instead of wanting to be surrounded by and supported by my family.
I want to look after my DS myself. I want to feel in control. I want to feel like his Mum again. Like we're a unit.
I went for a really long walk this week in a remote location and enjoyed it. I listened to the Greatest Showman soundtrack and sang to myself, walked slowly, took in the scenery and got a slight tan.
I've been to two yoga classes (the second being more successful than the first! I kept holding back the tears in the first one!).
I've done my first online food shopping for just the two of us.
I've done two loads of washing.
I've sorted my child benefit and Universal credits out.
I've spent nearly four days by myself.
I've slept by myself now for 3 nights in total.
I can sometimes 'enjoy' an episode of my favourite box set.
I've started plucking my eye brows and shaving my legs again
I've booked to get my hair cut.
I'm enjoying incense (it's new to me!).
I've been shopping with my sister and brought some clothes (not enough!).
I've had weekly counselling sessions.
I've packed all of my H's things away in a spare room.
I've replaced the photos/family portrait with photos of my DS.
I've been to the doctors and I'm having another month off work.
I'm going to Lisbon with my sister for a long weekend in June.
I've forced myself to visit places I've been with my H and my DS, to create new memories (it's a fairly small town).
My friends and family have been there for me. I can call anyone at anytime and I know that they'll listen.
The truck that I get hit by each morning when I wake is less....excruciatingly painful.

I have no clear plan of what happens next. Each moment is still bloody hard, but I have to recognise the progress, otherwise I'll go back to thinking about him and what he's done.

He is going back to her . However reality whatever he feels for her . He would be seeing her for contact with the child you would never feel he was yours .

You have made the decision but it was not based on a situation you created . You are still hurt .

You do need minimal contact for now his poor him you didn’t trust him when he was cheating on him is wanting you to make it alright for him when it wasn’t and isn’t.

Do tell him not to put these feelings to you .

Focus on how you can move forward . I do believe the best form of revenge is to move on and be happy

@Starlight2345 @RaspberryBeret34

I know! Hell?! Poor him having to lie and deceive. Poor him having to emotionally manipulate the people in his life to ensure his secret wasn't uncovered. Poor him having to persuade, reassure, make light of, beg, get angry, appear hurt and fragile to prevent further questions about his honesty. Poor him indeed. He has no bloody idea.

@RaspberryBeret34 You're right. He's got a script that he's relaying to friends and family and apparently the OW. "I'm not ready for a relationship yet. I need to take stock and stand still for the first time in two years". He'll be being very careful with his words, as per usual.

He didn’t make ‘A’ mistake, he had 2 years of many different decisions where he chose to lie and deceive you. This is so far removed from being from ‘A’ mistake is it could be! Don’t fall for his bullshit, he can’t ev n admit that to himself so there’s much way he’d ever be capable of taking full responsibility for his pattern of choices over the years.

First time my partner cheated a let it go and to be honest I think I shouldn’t have. I resented it to the point where I was tempted to do the same back to him. My trust was broken and never did fix again and the marriage failed because of it. When he left I found out he was cheating again anyway. If I could turn back time I wish I had left earlier and saved myself years of stress.

Now I can't believe I was fairly positive earlier.

I've just been into town and welled up every time I saw a Father's Day card stand, amongst other things - I'm not sure why? For my DS, for the effort I made for my H over the last two years on Father's Day when he 'found it difficult', for my recent bereavement, for my H's future baby with his OW?

I'm now sitting outside nursery waiting for my eyes to calm down before picking up my DS. I'm feeling hopeless again. And so angry for what I've lost thanks to his behaviour and choices.

Well ofcoarse you are feeling fragile and you have a lot of information going round your head

But the bad thoughts get less and the better good times full your life more. This isn't the end this is the beginning!

You will find out who you are and what you want - it's just different to how things were -

Ask yourself - we're you truely happy with this man?

Ups and downs are completely normal. If you read back some of your initial posts you will see how far you have come already. There was no positivity at all at first, and there is now already. Good days and bad days are to be expected. Even minute to minute your feelings might change. Over time the balance will change and there will be more good times than bad. Be gentle with yourself. You are doing great

He even said that he wasn't sure he could do it - be in a relationship where I don't trust him. He referred to the last two years being 'hell' for him and it was hard for him to see me mistrusting him (despite the fact he was actually lying/deceiving etc!!)

I can't believe the cheek of him to say this.

You mistrusted him while he was actively having a 2 year affair which resulted in a baby!

He exposed you to STDs and calls the affairs a mistake.

There was mistake in 2 years of deception. Every lie was planned...there was no error in his intent to have sex with her over those 2 years.

I'd limit conversations to your DS and matters of separation/divorce.
You need to file within 6 months for adultery. The pregnant OW is your proof of that.

Hopefully you have her name to put on the petition. She knows he's married right?

I didn't know you needed to file within 6 months for adultery....

Is there a reason why he'd want to delay a divorce?

When I asked him at one point a few weeks ago, he declared that 'in no way am I ready for a divorce' but he wouldn't stand in my way if I wanted to proceed quickly. I figured it was for emotional reasons, but is there a financial incentive to delay it? I.e. if it's not granted for adultery, am I less likely to get more money?

Yes I have her name. She slept with him/had a relationship for 3 months knowing he was married. Then he lied to her and told her we'd separated for the remaining 21 months. She now knows the truth.