Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A 2yr affair and she's pregnant

301 replies

Lifeunexpected · 07/05/2018 14:33

I know they'll be many people who will tell me to run. I'm prepared for this. I know I deserve better.

But I'm looking to speak to anyone who has stayed with their DH's following an affair, with the OW pregnant. My DH wants to be involved with the baby.

I've been with my DH for 17 years. We have a young son.

Has anyone managed this dilemma successfully? Or tried and it didn't work?

OP posts:
3luckystars · 21/05/2018 20:33

The only one certain fact you have is that your husband is a liar.
A 24 carat, pants on fire variety, LIAR.

You, or nobody on earth can believe a word he says. You can tread your own path now.

But on the bright side, he is no loss because he wasn't the man you believed him to be.

I'm so sorry he has upset you and your son, and everyone he knows but you know the facts now and can make decisions now that you have all the information.

I just wanted to wish you well and I hope you will be ok x

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/05/2018 21:25

RE what other people think....

What I think of my "Aunty" is that she is my Godmother and my mum's friend. She has a lovely husband, 2 great children and several grandchildren. All round kind and loving person.

Her first husband? The cunt who left his wife for their sons cub leader on their daughters birhday.

No negative thoughts attach, or ever did, to her at all. They have all been reserved for him.

EnTsa · 22/05/2018 09:03

To answer your question asked repeatedly - No one has managed that!

Original poster
Lifeunexpected · 22/05/2018 11:21

Thank you, again everyone.

My feelings fluctuate all the time. Sometimes I think I'm doing well. Other times I feel like I'm dying inside. Sometimes I wonder what he's doing, how he is and if he's with her and other times I think, who gives a f%#* what the lying cheat is up to?! I'd like to get off this rollercoaster please.

To be clear. We're separated and I've made the decision not to give it a go. However, that's not stopping the grief I'm experiencing.

Thank you for your reassurances about my DS. It's hard because I know how early experiences can shape a person. I still worry that I've damaged him and that our relationship isn't what it should be. I just want everything to be ok for him now. Im already feeling the pressure of being the perfect 'single Mum' and for my DS to have two amicable but separated parents.

The evenings are hard. I have so much time once my DS is in bed, yet no motivation to do housework or cook something nice for myself.

@Walkaboutwendy I like your analogy of scars. It's comforting.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lifeunexpected · 23/05/2018 06:59

Every time I wake up in the night and each morning, I feel like I physically hurt. I'm feeling so alone.

I'm managing not to message or ring him, despite my urge to.

I wrote everything down that he did to me over the last two years. It was quite a heavy read. The anger got me through yesterday afternoon. Now I'm left with sadness. I still miss him. I hate that.

OP posts:
QuoadUltra · 23/05/2018 07:07

That’s so normal. Those feelings are part of things getting better. To get over him, you have to go through this.

But you will get to the other side and be so proud of yourself.

Olive1988 · 23/05/2018 07:16

Please don't forgive him. He will do it again if he thinks he will get forgiven. He didn't know if he would the first time and he still did it. You deserve so much more! Leave him with your son and find someone down the road who treats you like a queen, who would never dream of cheating on you and who knows your worth. If the other women didn't know she should leave him aswell. Hopefully your children can be friends and maybe in time the two of you can aswell as I am sure she is hurting too knowing she has just fallen pregnant with someone she thought was only sleeping with her and now she finds out he also still has a wife xxx I hope you find strength to get you through this, maybe go for a few counselling sessions so they can build your self esteem xxxxx

Tiredspice2 · 23/05/2018 07:21

OP, I am so sorry for your situation.

What are you trying to salvage by staying? Your idiot scumbag husband has properly messed up 4 lives, but he will be fine, just fine, because if you stay with him, he would have had his gigantic cake and eaten it.

If you love him, this will not be enough in the long term. If he’s cheated on you once, he will most probably end up cheating on you and the other woman, with some one new.

Original poster
Lifeunexpected · 23/05/2018 18:29

@Olive1988 She knew for at least 3-4 months that he was married and we were not separated, yet started an emotional and physical affair. She was also married at the time. Yes, he then went onto lie to her. And yes, I feel for her because he's hurt her too and she's now having a baby with a man who's lied over and over. But she's not entirely innocent. Given how good he is a reassuring and offering love (and he's afraid of being alone), I strongly suspect that, in time and with her baby on the way, she'll take him back.

@Tiredspice2 He definitely had his cake! He got the best of both worlds.

I don't intend to forgive him. I'm just miss him and our relationship. I feel lonely and empty. There's so much time to fill. I have an urge to ring him and talk like we use to. Then I realise that we can never talk like we use to, and then I feel so sad.

@QuoadUltra Thank you. I try and believe that these are 'normal' feelings. But I feel like I'm going crazy.

OP posts:
Olive1988 · 23/05/2018 19:41

If she knew, I have no sympathy! I never understand women who could do that to another woman! Xxx

Original poster
Lifeunexpected · 24/05/2018 18:53

NC since Sunday. I've had hard moments (understatement!), but I'm getting there.

OP posts:
Tiredspice2 · 24/05/2018 21:15

You will get there. Believe that there will be better days ahead, and that these sad feelings will, in time, start to ease. Flowers

Original poster
Lifeunexpected · 25/05/2018 09:01

Thank you, @Tiredspice2
I feel like I'm climbing a mountain every minute.

OP posts:
BlooperReel · 25/05/2018 10:29

OP I am so sorry you are going through this.

You have done the right thing though. I think everyone needs a 'red line' in relationships that there can be no coming back from, a 2 year affair with a pregnancy resulting from it, is so far beyond that red line. He has pole vaulted over it.

You and your son deserve a person who is a million times better, with integrity and compassion, not this callous, selfish excuse for a man.

Original poster
Lifeunexpected · 25/05/2018 14:13

I'm back in that horrid place again. I don't get why he held onto our family for over two years. I mean, surely after two years you'd figure out what you wanted. Why drag me and DS through it? There were so opportunities when he could have told me - made a choice not to lie. It's so incredibly selfish. If he couldn't cope with family life then he should have just run. That would have been easier. The deceit hurts so much. The way that he had 'wobbles' of 'anxiety' after seeing her. The way I walked on egg shells and looked after our DS when he felt he couldn't cope with his 'anxiety'. The way it increased my anxieties and the urge to 'take the pressure off' my H. It was a cycle that happened regularly and it nearly killed me. It seems so obvious now that his anxiety was guilt-led. If he felt that bad, surely he would have stopped the behaviour? Was the OW and the excitement really worth the lies and angst? Was keeping hold of me and our marriage, worth the lies and angst? He could have let me go. I would have been over it by now. Life would be less painful and less complicated.

OP posts:
Felicitycity · 25/05/2018 14:51

Could have, would have, should have. Quite natural that you're churning it over and over in your mind. Absolutely rubbish that you have to go through this. Such a horrid time.
It's like a bereavement ( worse in a way because someone you love has done this too you) , and you will go through phases when you think you can't go on.
But you will - slowly but surely the raw pain will ease and one day you'll start to feel happy again.
Good luck - and feel free to come on here for a hand hold any time.

GreenTulips · 25/05/2018 19:12

Because leaving his wife and new born baby would've pored scorn on him from great heights! He would've been made to feel extremely bad for deserting you and your child when they really needed you.
People only lie for self preservation. There's no other motive.

You need to stop worrying about what's wrong with and you ask yourself what's wrong with him?

SandyY2K · 25/05/2018 19:24

He simply wanted it all. A wife and child...and some extra sex and an ego boost from the OW. He would have continued on this path eith no end on sight if she didn't get pregnant.

Original poster
Lifeunexpected · 25/05/2018 22:06

Bloody selfish idiot.

OP posts:
MrsSnootyPants2018 · 25/05/2018 23:46

@Lifeunexpected what's wrong? Has something happened.

I've followed this the whole way and I have to say you have been very strong. I can't imagine how you must be feeling.

Original poster
Lifeunexpected · 26/05/2018 16:16

@MrsSnootyPants2018 Thank you! I actually feel weak. I was in a rather livid moment when I posted.

Just had to visit and drive past a couple of places that he took the OW (venues that were supposedly special to my H and I). I just don't get how someone can do that... What was he doing? According to him, he was trying to recreate our experiences, that we could 'no longer do' due to our DS. He wanted those experiences to be with me, but he took the OW because he could.

What utter bullshit! If he wanted those experiences to be with me, then he could have just asked me. It's all about saying things he thinks I need to hear.

Sorry. I just needed to rant!

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 26/05/2018 18:43

He need some to grow up - he's done you a favour - you just need to see it.

Stop thinking about his wants and needs - it's no longer about him, it's about you and your DS and your future

ByeMF · 26/05/2018 20:19

And now she's having a baby he's going to do exactly the same to her

Mxyzptlk · 26/05/2018 21:18

So he's still telling lies. All of his lies are because he's trying to make things easier for himself, no-one else.

MrsSnootyPants2018 · 26/05/2018 21:41

Wow!

You really are better without! You need to get the legal side sorted. I know you don't want to an it will be b sad, crap and hard, but he seems like a player and frankly sneaky.

Get security for you and you child and find someone who deserves your loving soul.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.