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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Aibu to be concerned about cocaine use?

132 replies

Hopskipjumping · 04/05/2018 06:48

I met OH at 18 & from about 6 months into the relationship was aware he took drugs occasionally. It wasn't that concerned at the time- I was young and had never taken drugs or seen them so it didn't really affect me.

Fast forward we're both almost 30 and have two children. He works extremely hard in a very stressful job which he seems to deal with by drinking and taking cocaine when he can. As the stress increases his drug use frequency does too. This concerns me for his health and also the risk of addiction. Addiction runs in his family it seems.

When I mention this to him he gets angry that im trying to control him and it makes the relationship worse. I need to tell myself to forget about it as everything else is great but it really affects me. Hes going on a night out on Saturday and when I asked him not to take it he kicked off.

The reason im asking however is because I feel hes done it far too frequently recently and im concerned. The final straw came when a couple of weeks ago we were having a bbq with some family and our kids. He had a couple of vodkas and his mood changed. He started texting his friends trying to arrange to go out. Then he disappeared inside and I caught him taking cocaine in the bathroom. He insists he was going to go out with friends and that's why he took it but it was extremely shocking for me. He didn't end up going out as I was so upset so we sat in with a takeaway and watched a film despite him taking cocaine hours earlier. It just doesn't seem normal.

A few weeks earlier we had friends round to our house for my birthday. I went to bed at 2am and thought hed join me when everyone left. I woke at 6am to find hed left to go to another friends house to take cocaine.

I constantly have to be wary of how much I drink/when I go to bed so I am ok for our kids but he seems to not care.

His response when I complain is that he will just stop going out then. This isnt feasible however.

I feel so down as everything else is great. Hes a great father and partner and I dont believe he has a problem unless hes going through a particularly stressful period which he is now im just worried he goes too far and becomes an addict or even dies. He assures me this wont happen and that "everyone does it" and is fine.

So am I right to be concerned or do I just let it go?

OP posts:
annandale · 04/05/2018 06:55

He's taking cocaine at home with your kids?? He thinks that it's pointless going out if he can't get wasted? He's tanking down vodka to get through a normal day? He is angry and defensive when questioned about it?

I'm really sorry but as a very square person who has never taken illegal drugs, it sounds like he has an addiction and at least an alcohol problem as well. This is not normal.

Jumping ahead, could you cope if he changed jobs for something much less stressful? I don't doubt there is a drug culture at his workplace, it might be impossible for him to change if he stays there. But if he denies all problems that's not going to happen. I would be seriously worried yes.

LadyWithLapdog · 04/05/2018 06:59

How about come downs, does he get angry and depressed? I don't know if this applies to cocaine.

LadyWithLapdog · 04/05/2018 07:00

Also, how safe is he driving the next day?

user1457017537 · 04/05/2018 07:02

I’m sorry but there is an epidemic of cocaine use. He is probably spending a considerable amount of your incomings on his addiction. I can’t sugar coat it if he’s using at a family bbq then he has a problem that will only escalate. People take it with alcohol to sober them up. I was out last weekend and was shocked at cocaine being openly taken in the toilets.

Mangopr1 · 04/05/2018 07:10

I myself experimented with different things when I was a teenager and don't judge anyone else who has BUT there's a huge difference between a stupid 18 year old taking a bit of cocaine on a night out because they think it's cool to a grown man taking it in the bathroom at a family BBQ.

No matter what he says that isn't what 'every one does' and it would signal a problem for me definitely.

Original poster
Hopskipjumping · 04/05/2018 07:18

Thanks, I thought so.

He doesn't drink alcohol on a daily basis, or even a weekly basis but he can't drink just a couple he always drinks to get drunk or doesn't see the point.

He says its not a problem for him as he would never take it sober.

He promises me he will never bring it back in our home or take it in our house again. But it just doesn't seem enough. I don't mind him taking it once or twice a year but it seems to be a lot more than this.

His colleagues all seems to be the same. And the often all travel abroad for two weeks at a time and I have no doubt he works extremely hard during the week but at the weekend it appears to be more like a lads holiday than a work trip.

He could leave his job and I have asked him to if its causing too much stress but I know he wont. Hes worked incredibly hard to get to his position and would take a significant pay drop if he did.

Im just stuck as theres only so much lecturing I can do and I'm not sure what else I can do. He's told me he won't take it on Saturday but im not sure if I believe him but even if he doesn't he's told me he isn't happy with being controlled and he enjoys doing it so I'm stopping him enjoying myself. Says im trying to change him and should accept the person he is. Its difficult however as I'm not happy with this side of him.

OP posts:
annandale · 04/05/2018 07:23

I really don't see why you should be OK with criminal behaviour in your partner.

I'd agree that lecturing is counter productive but his whinging is pathetic.

maymai · 04/05/2018 07:23

This is a major safeguarding issue and you must take action. You are living with a man knowing he is regularly breaking the law and by accepting it you are as bad really. I know it's hard living with an addict but when that addiction is breaking the law too it takes it to a whole other level.

Apart from anything he shouldn't be driving and if DVLA were aware he'd lose his licence.

Can you explain to him that if it doesn't stop you will leave, he will lose,you, his DC, his,licence and possibly his job. If he try's to say you'll destroy him remind him that he's actually destroying himself and putting cocaine before everything.

I hope you can work it out.

Raven88 · 04/05/2018 07:27

I wouldn't be with some who took drugs and I wouldn't of had children with him. He is probably addicted and taking more than you realise.

LellyMcKelly · 04/05/2018 07:30

Great fathers and partners don’t do that to their loved ones.

Pickleypickles · 04/05/2018 07:39

Unfortunately it sounds like hes in denial about his addiction, his telling you youre controlling him is the easiest way to make you drop the subject.
The fact is he wont stop unless he realises/admits he has a problem.
Im clutching at straws a bit here but could you say something like if he can stop for 2 months no problem then you will drop it but if he cant or he struggles then he admits its a problem and gets help?

annandale · 04/05/2018 07:41

He's controlling you, actually. Because you can't trust him to stay clean, and because he is away so much, you must be sober and clean all the time, and there all the time. You don't get any choice. He might not care whether the children live or die but you clearly do.

What is he going to say when his child is brought home by the police wasted in some form, to find him frantically flushing his stash down the toilet? Children do learn this stuff, he must know that.

sleep5 · 04/05/2018 07:45

I have friends and colleagues who take coke. When taking it they become selfish and are only concerned with getting high and don't care on the impact of those around them. It's not much different from people who drink to excess a lot - they can control themselves (not appear drunk) but their personality becomes very unpleasant.

You need to decide what you're willing to put up with. It sounds as though he won't stop taking it (like many alcoholics won't stop drinking), but if it's affecting family life then maybe you should put your foot down.

Quartz2208 · 04/05/2018 07:48

You have a huge problem which both f you are minimising. He was having a family bbq with his children and he took it in his house, he had it in your house.

Stop making excuses for him, stop believing that because others do it it’s ok. It’s not

PretABoire · 04/05/2018 08:01

Coke is basically powdered ego. There’s no point telling him off or making him feel small, he’ll just want it more. It’s a horrible stupid selfish drug.

It’s dangerous to have it in the house with kids. And you can’t trust him. I think you need to ask him to leave and think about his priorities - only he can make himself stop. On a stag or lads night out is one thing but not a bloody family bbq. He doesn’t sound like an addict to me - just a bored man child who is failing to recognise what he has and what he stands to lose.

LuluBellaBlue · 04/05/2018 08:15

Yes he’s addicted, it doesn’t matter it’s not a daily occurrence.
Just imagine how he would behave with say 30 days of being sober?
That would probably be hell for him.
Cocaine is highly addictive and he’s chasing that first hit. Nothing will ever be enough until he quits completely and to do this he would almost definitely need to also quit booze for some time.

AnyFucker · 04/05/2018 08:19

"He's a great father and partner"
No he isn't. He takes drugs around his kids and he is escalating. Social services would be very interested in that.

MrsBertBibby · 04/05/2018 08:32

Does he care that his habit fuels mass murder in Colombia and elsewhere?

www.theguardian.com/world/2005/feb/13/drugsandalcohol.colombia

hellsbellsmelons · 04/05/2018 08:40

I couldn't be with someone who took drugs.
And not EVERYONE does it.
That's like kids saying, but all my friends have this or that.
Bollox to justify it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/05/2018 08:47

Why are you still with this man; out of habit, the kids?. What is in this relationship still for you?. How is this man actually a great partner and father; he is patently not.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up; how was it that you got hooked up with this individual at the tender age of 18 as well?.

mintich · 04/05/2018 08:50

No, not everyone does it. I couldn't be with someone who did

LadyWithLapdog · 04/05/2018 09:02

I think it depends a lot on how often he does it. Once every 3 months with plenty of recovery time is one thing, every weekend and in a mood most of the time as a result, another.

rollingonariver · 04/05/2018 09:32

I totally sympathise op. It's so hard and you wonder if you're just being 'controlling' if you tell him not to?
I would be so careful. I used to be friends with two people who were lovely until they started doing coke all the time, after that they were mean and aggressive. If he gets to this stage, please leave him. I wish I had.

Mangopr1 · 04/05/2018 11:52

There is definitely a huge problem with drugs of this sort at the moment. I started working in a fast paced environment and could not believe the amount of people who took it, even management! And my job is in the legal sector believe it or not. It's absolutely gobsmacking honestly.

However, his colleagues and his friends aren't an excuse to carry on doing something he know upset you, his partner.

You should be able to be concerned for him. You love him, of course you don't like the idea of him OD'ing or spiralling into addiction and I'd hope he would be the same about you if the tables were turned.

I'd seriously consider having a talk with him about whether you can see a future if this were to carry on. That you have to put your children first and you don't want them growing up thinking it's okay.

Anyone who loves you and wants to continue your partnership should have enough respect for you to deal with this problem if their partner is upset by their actions.

Missingstreetlife · 04/05/2018 12:07

Nar anon may be helpful to you