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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Aibu to be concerned about cocaine use?

132 replies

Hopskipjumping · 04/05/2018 06:48

I met OH at 18 & from about 6 months into the relationship was aware he took drugs occasionally. It wasn't that concerned at the time- I was young and had never taken drugs or seen them so it didn't really affect me.

Fast forward we're both almost 30 and have two children. He works extremely hard in a very stressful job which he seems to deal with by drinking and taking cocaine when he can. As the stress increases his drug use frequency does too. This concerns me for his health and also the risk of addiction. Addiction runs in his family it seems.

When I mention this to him he gets angry that im trying to control him and it makes the relationship worse. I need to tell myself to forget about it as everything else is great but it really affects me. Hes going on a night out on Saturday and when I asked him not to take it he kicked off.

The reason im asking however is because I feel hes done it far too frequently recently and im concerned. The final straw came when a couple of weeks ago we were having a bbq with some family and our kids. He had a couple of vodkas and his mood changed. He started texting his friends trying to arrange to go out. Then he disappeared inside and I caught him taking cocaine in the bathroom. He insists he was going to go out with friends and that's why he took it but it was extremely shocking for me. He didn't end up going out as I was so upset so we sat in with a takeaway and watched a film despite him taking cocaine hours earlier. It just doesn't seem normal.

A few weeks earlier we had friends round to our house for my birthday. I went to bed at 2am and thought hed join me when everyone left. I woke at 6am to find hed left to go to another friends house to take cocaine.

I constantly have to be wary of how much I drink/when I go to bed so I am ok for our kids but he seems to not care.

His response when I complain is that he will just stop going out then. This isnt feasible however.

I feel so down as everything else is great. Hes a great father and partner and I dont believe he has a problem unless hes going through a particularly stressful period which he is now im just worried he goes too far and becomes an addict or even dies. He assures me this wont happen and that "everyone does it" and is fine.

So am I right to be concerned or do I just let it go?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hopskipjumping · 06/05/2018 07:31

He went out yesterday with his workmates. They all went back to one of their houses (presumably to get/take coke) but OH came home. This is not like him at all, theres usually no chance he would come home if that was going.

I just hope in time he realises its for the best - waking up with no comedown, im happy & more money & less health risk and eventually he chooses to do this off his own back.

I just hope it doesn't lead to resentment on his part although he seems happy enough to come home and said hes glad he did now its morning and hes not feeling awful.

OP posts:
Abitlost2015 · 06/05/2018 07:48

OP, he IS an addict. I think you now realise that and what you decide to do will be your decision. I hope he realises too and takes the right steps forward. You are going to need strength to prioritise your children, best of luck.

Original poster
Hopskipjumping · 12/08/2018 07:44

Help. He went out two weekends ago and didn't come home til 8am. I was up with kids and had breakfast when he walked in. 7 year old was confused. I told him I was unhappy. He texted saying he was coming home at 5am but didn't show til 8am. We were off for about a week but he promised not to take it again.

His cousin had a baby last week and they went out last night to celebrate. He promised not to take it and to come home after the pub. At 11pm he texted saying he was getting food and would be home soon.

At 3am I woke up he still wasnt home. I phoned and texted him and he turned his phone off. An hour later he phoned saying sorry and that he was walking home as couldn't get taxi. At 5am I phoned again and he said hed turned back because I was mad.

Eventually got home at 6:30am. He had went back to a 20 year olds flat to take cocaine.

I packed a case ready to go to my mums house. Myself and two kids will need to share a bed and live in a room. No income. Hes begging and promising to go to doctors on monday for help as hes addicted.

I can't take it anymore.

OP posts:
Whatsthispain · 12/08/2018 07:51

I tjink enough is enough. Tell him you can try again when he has been clean for a year. For now make plans to bring the kids up solo. You're really brave and are doing the right thing. Can he be the one to leave?

LarryFreakinStylinson · 12/08/2018 07:53

Leave him. And mean it. He won’t stop using for anyone but himself. If he does then great. You can maybe still have a future in time. But coke has a bigger hold over him than you or your children. I promise you that.

Original poster
Hopskipjumping · 12/08/2018 07:54

He won't leave unfortunately. Has "no where to go" as no family. Although he has money to rent somewhere. He wants to sleep on the couch until he proves himself. Only two weeks ago he promised the world. Would never take it again etc.

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 12/08/2018 08:02

No family? What about the cousin whose offspring he decided to welcome to the world by sticking idiot powder up his nose?

Seriously, what is the housing situation? If you own then most legal advice would say not to leave the marital home unless you feel in danger

bastardkitty · 12/08/2018 08:05

Do not let him stay. Please let this be your walking away point. Tell him if he makes you and the kids go live in one room at your Mum's then the relationship is over and there is no way back ever. If he moves out and gets clean there might be something to talk about in future. Addicts are highly manipulative. He trying to keep his addiction and his family. He literally only cares about himself and cocaine.

IStillMissBlockbuster · 12/08/2018 08:16

Oh i'm so sorry to hear this op, although sadly not surprised. Millions of women have been through this and after months or years, become worn down, exhausted, devastated by the lies, broken promises and more. How long are you prepared to wait?

Pompom42 · 12/08/2018 08:20

I don't think he can do this on his own I think he needs help. Your head must be all over the place.

IStillMissBlockbuster · 12/08/2018 08:23

Your priority is to your children. How old are they?

Original poster
Hopskipjumping · 12/08/2018 08:25

He has no immediate family he could live with. Both parents have passed away. His cousin and older friends all left after the pub closed. He chose to go to the 20 year olds flat for drugs. Doesn't even know his name apparently.

The house is mortgaged in both our names. I honestly don't think there is any way he would leave.

OP posts:
CornishFairing · 12/08/2018 08:26

Not normal , sorry. I had a long relationship with a cocaine addict. When they drink they need it. It's very unlikely that you will prevail in this situation but will lose a lot of energy and sanity trying. I'd walk away, not what you want to hear but I'm sorry. Doing it in the bathroom at home after 2 drinks is a huge red flag.

Original poster
Hopskipjumping · 12/08/2018 08:26

They are 7 & 2.

OP posts:
twilightsaga · 12/08/2018 08:28

You don't think he has a problem? No, you've just normalised it now. You say there is a risk of addiction - he IS addicted already and has been for a long time. He either gets help and you support him, you carry on and live like this or you leave. For him to get support though you BOTH need to recognise that this is a problem. You're minimising it massively

CornishFairing · 12/08/2018 08:30

You own half the house op. If you have no income of your own you will be entitled so equity from the house and benefits. Perhaps free childcare for the youngest, certainly when they turn 3. You need legal advice ASAP.

CornishFairing · 12/08/2018 08:31

For the record my coke head ex used to disappear for 2-3 days and sometimes at random houses . It was always a coke binge but he always liras about it.

Original poster
Hopskipjumping · 12/08/2018 08:31

Im so disappointed. Im a sahm and spend every day alone looking after the kids and house. When he does this at the weekend its another few days of loneliness and sstruggling with the kids with no help. We're skint as saving for wedding (18 months away), birthdays, Christmas. Each week I entertain the kids on a tight budget and dont spend anything yet he finds money for this.

He reassures me that he didnt spend anything on it last night but I am sure hes lying.

OP posts:
CornishFairing · 12/08/2018 08:31

*lied about it

CornishFairing · 12/08/2018 08:33

Op they will always find the money, to the detriment of everything else. Where are the wedding savings ? You can take the kids with you for a free legal consultation.

1Wanda1 · 12/08/2018 08:33

So sorry you have had to live like this for so long. My DB behaves the same as your DH, saying it's not a problem etc - it IS a problem, especially with young children.

If you really want him out of the house, and can afford a solicitor, I would recommend seeing a family solicitor about staying in the home without him. If you move out and leave him there, there is a risk you may not get back in. With children, you shouldn't put yourself in that position. I think you can get a court order which says which one of you has to go elsewhere - and with drug use it will be him. Moreover, if social services get a whiff of this, they will not allow him to be alone with the kids.

This is serious and you have probably slightly normalised his very abnormal behaviour as a result of living with it and him telling you it's all fine for so long. You must prioritise yourself and your DC now. This man cares more about his drug use than about you. That is the nature of addiction.

CornishFairing · 12/08/2018 08:34

Please make sure the savings are in your bank account before he gets wind.

Original poster
Hopskipjumping · 12/08/2018 08:35

I know im ok with the equity in the house as its in my name. I wish I could keep it but don't think it would be possible as couldn't buy him out.

I hate him for the shit hes caused. Why does an almost 30 year old chose the life of a teenager?! I honestly dont have a clue what I am to do.

Even with the equity and his child maintenance I would struggle to buy a house in our area.

OP posts:
CornishFairing · 12/08/2018 08:36

One more thing - he may also be in debt to drug dealers. Mine was in thousands of debt, that I know about. I checked his phone and he had some threatening messages from dealers on there. You do not want this man in your house with your kids. I'm so sorry x

Original poster
Hopskipjumping · 12/08/2018 08:36

And an income if I got a job*

OP posts: