Aibu to be concerned about cocaine use?

[Hopskipjumping]

I met OH at 18 & from about 6 months into the relationship was aware he took drugs occasionally. It wasn't that concerned at the time- I was young and had never taken drugs or seen them so it didn't really affect me.

Fast forward we're both almost 30 and have two children. He works extremely hard in a very stressful job which he seems to deal with by drinking and taking cocaine when he can. As the stress increases his drug use frequency does too. This concerns me for his health and also the risk of addiction. Addiction runs in his family it seems.

When I mention this to him he gets angry that im trying to control him and it makes the relationship worse. I need to tell myself to forget about it as everything else is great but it really affects me. Hes going on a night out on Saturday and when I asked him not to take it he kicked off.

The reason im asking however is because I feel hes done it far too frequently recently and im concerned. The final straw came when a couple of weeks ago we were having a bbq with some family and our kids. He had a couple of vodkas and his mood changed. He started texting his friends trying to arrange to go out. Then he disappeared inside and I caught him taking cocaine in the bathroom. He insists he was going to go out with friends and that's why he took it but it was extremely shocking for me. He didn't end up going out as I was so upset so we sat in with a takeaway and watched a film despite him taking cocaine hours earlier. It just doesn't seem normal.

A few weeks earlier we had friends round to our house for my birthday. I went to bed at 2am and thought hed join me when everyone left. I woke at 6am to find hed left to go to another friends house to take cocaine.

I constantly have to be wary of how much I drink/when I go to bed so I am ok for our kids but he seems to not care.

His response when I complain is that he will just stop going out then. This isnt feasible however.

I feel so down as everything else is great. Hes a great father and partner and I dont believe he has a problem unless hes going through a particularly stressful period which he is now im just worried he goes too far and becomes an addict or even dies. He assures me this wont happen and that "everyone does it" and is fine.

So am I right to be concerned or do I just let it go?

I'm guessing he took his phone to the loo? X

Yep, suddenly dashing off to the loo is far more likely to be because he a) needed to delete something off his phone (messages, pictures) that would trip him up, or to quickly send a message to the girl to tell her to corroborate his story.

It's highly HIGHLY unlikely that he is an innocent man suddenly struck by a bout of nervous diarrhea

Sorry Hopskipjumping, you know there is more to his story. The truth will come out, you may need to press a harder if you want to know the full details but I am guessing you know what you need to do regardless.

I'm so sorry you are going through this 💐

My own DH was a cocaine addict and I was too to some extent so you have my full sympathy. You are unfortunately fighting a losing battle with him at the moment as the addiction makes you an incredibly selfish person. You will also drive yourself mad trying to uncover truths as he will be lying through his teeth.

I try not to think about the five or so years I lost to cocaine. It was such a waste. It really was at the forefront of everything. You couldn't go for a drink or drink without having to get some. Many nights with the best intentions went wrong as, as soon as you have a drink the urge is too strong. We would try to do normal things like a meal or concert but it was always abandoned because really you just want to go and get on it. In the end that's what we did, stayed in drinking vodka and sniffing coke. I stopped as couldn't face going on living the way we were and craved a normal life. DH was a nightmare, as soon as he had a drink would disappear to get coke, left me in a hotel once, would sneak out the back door when I was in the middle of talking to him. Then there is the not answering the phone, going missing for hours / days, the worry about where they are, are they safe? I completely understand how drained you must feel.

Anyway - fast forward DH has now been sober for 12 years. We have since had 2 DC and things are good for us. You are doing the right thing by leaving and stay strong. He will need this shock to really understand the effect his behaviour has had. He may need to avoid alcohol and certain social situations for a long while. We moved, changed friends, I didn't drink for 8 years either. You have to be 100% 0 tolerance, the choice is his. It's very sad that you have 2 lovely DC that he is missing out on. I hope things work out for you all x

@sunnybutsad Well done to you and your husband! Such kind and encouraging words for op.

I would go mental if I found drugs in the house with my children in it. How dangerous is that. You are living with a selfish addict and I would be stealthily saving hard to leave. You can't fix him. Only he can.

Bin this loser. Of course he's fucked about, cocaine hightens the libido and users become sexually inhibited. This is why he stays out all night. The reason you're sknit is because he's spending x£ on drink and drugs! He's a fucking disastrous role model for your kids.