Aibu to be concerned about cocaine use?

[Hopskipjumping]

I met OH at 18 & from about 6 months into the relationship was aware he took drugs occasionally. It wasn't that concerned at the time- I was young and had never taken drugs or seen them so it didn't really affect me.

Fast forward we're both almost 30 and have two children. He works extremely hard in a very stressful job which he seems to deal with by drinking and taking cocaine when he can. As the stress increases his drug use frequency does too. This concerns me for his health and also the risk of addiction. Addiction runs in his family it seems.

When I mention this to him he gets angry that im trying to control him and it makes the relationship worse. I need to tell myself to forget about it as everything else is great but it really affects me. Hes going on a night out on Saturday and when I asked him not to take it he kicked off.

The reason im asking however is because I feel hes done it far too frequently recently and im concerned. The final straw came when a couple of weeks ago we were having a bbq with some family and our kids. He had a couple of vodkas and his mood changed. He started texting his friends trying to arrange to go out. Then he disappeared inside and I caught him taking cocaine in the bathroom. He insists he was going to go out with friends and that's why he took it but it was extremely shocking for me. He didn't end up going out as I was so upset so we sat in with a takeaway and watched a film despite him taking cocaine hours earlier. It just doesn't seem normal.

A few weeks earlier we had friends round to our house for my birthday. I went to bed at 2am and thought hed join me when everyone left. I woke at 6am to find hed left to go to another friends house to take cocaine.

I constantly have to be wary of how much I drink/when I go to bed so I am ok for our kids but he seems to not care.

His response when I complain is that he will just stop going out then. This isnt feasible however.

I feel so down as everything else is great. Hes a great father and partner and I dont believe he has a problem unless hes going through a particularly stressful period which he is now im just worried he goes too far and becomes an addict or even dies. He assures me this wont happen and that "everyone does it" and is fine.

So am I right to be concerned or do I just let it go?

I’m not against recreational drug use and far more people do it than you’d ever realise, however it sounds like your partner is going down a slippery slope.
My ex used to not be able to have a drink without cocaine and although he was fine on it his comedowns were awful and would waste so much money each week on it. It became a serious problem and he started lying about his usage.

I think you need to try to support him to get him to quit or see if you can accept he might have blowouts with his friends on occasions, but there’s no way I would want him doing it indoors when you have children.

'Everyone does it'

You don't. So it's maximum 50% of the marriage do it. That's a long way from everyone.

Good father and partner, my god raise your bar OP, he's committing a crime, and coke comes from the exploitation of many poor people, the cost of a gram is about £100, not to mention the damage he is doing to his health.

You are mad to stay with a person that is doing this and even worse he doesn't seen to give a shit about his criminal activity, if coke is found in your home your child will be removed immediately.

Instead of following his way of thinking (brain rot) why not do what you think is right by your child and yourself and tell the sad selfish git to trot off and snort as much shite as he wants in someone else's home?

Everyone does it? Aye, the sad bastards that can't enjoy a night out with out being off their face and chewing their lips.

What are your red lines? This is something you might need to reflect on as he is driving the agenda and forcing you to accept it. You said once or twice a year but he clearly has other ideas as its when it suits him.

I think you need to define your red lines and stick to them.
For most people drugs at a family bbq would have been it but appreciate you are in shock.

Your children will grow up with a drug using dad, not everyone has a dad like that I assure you.
Don't feel you have to accept drugs just because it was ok when he was 18.You are now parents and the rules are allowed to change.

Me and my best friend have both been in relationships with cocaine users (became evident further into the relationships) and both agree that over a relatively short period of time certain unacceptable behaviours (e.g. drugs at family barbecues) become normalised and excused by the user who is, as another poster said, driving the agenda. You know these things are wrong, but there's always an excuse (stress) followed by an apology and assurances it won't happen again. Of course, it does. The comment about powdered ego is accurate - my friend and I have reflected on this and it seems this is what certain men are drawn to - cocaine makes them feel confident and clever when they are actually insecure people, and this feeling is addictive.
Your only way of getting through this involves exposure - users don't want certain family and friends finding out their little secret of course but it is a huge burden dealing with these issues in alone and impossible to address without support. Disclosure to those around you is often the only way to secure help and support for yourself. Users can only benefit from support (however not much professional support around) if they are willing to admit they have a problem. But unfortunately Ive not known a relationship affected by drugs and alcohol that made it to a happy ending.

YANBU and I say this as someone who has done a fair amount of coke in their life. Im not against drug use on principle but what you are describing is just not okay. He is letting his drug use effect his life and his relationship with you which does indicate that it is a problem.
No way should he be doing it at home where your children are. No way should he be leaving whilst you are asleep to take it at someone elses house.
These are massive red flags that it is getting out of control.
This is not just once in a blue moon in a club.
I think you are right to be worried and try and make him see how this is getting out of control.
Hes 30 now and has a family. Its not controlling of you to ask him to act a bit more responsibly.

Cocaine is a massive issue. It is lethally dangerous (the stuff around now is between 50-90% pure far more than the 10-20% around years ago), it’s highly addictive and it makes whoever takes it selfish, arrogant and an absolute dick ime.

My former friend started taking it recreationally (which I how I know about purity, I’ve never taken it) and escalated really fucking quickly. She stole from us, she stole from other friends, she used other drugs to combat comedowns (street “Valium”) and ended up in thousands of debt to dealers, not the kind of people you want after you. She doesn’t have her kids any more, because SS removed them for their own safety (after months of trying to help her)

Coke isn’t just a recreational thing, it blows families apart.

Where has op gone ?

Im here. I've read and considered every comment. Thanks for taking the time to reply. I have some serious thinking and thoughts to be done, feeling a bit down. Just can't believe its came to this plus how he reacts so angrily when I bring it up.

He reacts angrily because you are trying to come between him and his addictions. This is what addiction looks like.

It might be an idea to get in touch with Nar Anon. This is a support group for families of drug addicts. Have a read of the 20 questions. I think you will recognise a lot of them.

Just kick him out. Do. Not. Have. Drugs. Near. Your. Children.

He promises they will never be back. Hr said the only reason they were here was leftovers from my birthday where he left to go to friends house. Ive literally caused so much trouble for him.over the bbq incident that I genuinely dont think hed ever bring them back.

If you don’t want to end the relationship OP, you do need to put your foot down that cocaine doesn’t enter your home, and that while he’s under the influence of it, neither does he.

Children don’t need to see that or be exposed to someone high as a kite.

He promises they will never be back

Addicts can look you dead in the eye and lie through their teeth. It’s about expediency for them, whatever suits their agenda at that time is what they’ll say.

So, contrite and sorry afterwards.

Wanting to go out and get wasted? Start an argument to get out of the house.

Yep. This is what addiction looks like.

Drug addicted people lose their children. And people who prioritise their relationship with an addict over their children's right to live in a safe space do too.

Thanks that means a lot.

My husband has an on and off addiction to speed so I sort of understand where you are coming from.

I find it really frustrating and I can always tell when he does it, or when he is thinking about doing it - he behaves so suspiciously. He is usually clean but again, at times of stress at work it happens again.

There is no such thing as an on/off addiction.

There is no such thing as an on/off addiction

This. If it looks like it’s “off” they’re getting better at hiding it is all.

I fell for this shit constantly with former friend. It was devastating to realise that despite all the support, help and money she’d had out of us (me and another friend) she’d been lying to us the whole time and stealing from us.

Agreed you cant be an on/off addict. you are always addicted - the addiction does not go away. You can be in remission from it but its always there.

OP. Be worried that he’s going to be really selfish about this and really fucking boring in defending his use!

What amazes me with regular cokeheads is how bloody dull they are!
I’m not judging, I’ve worked in industries where it’s rife and have friends who still think it’s normal to knock back g’s every weekend. I’ll do the odd line if offered in an inevitable dinner party full of people talking loudly at themselves!

Their whole socials revolve around it, many justify it being left on surfaces in the family home where the kids will be hours later and it’s really pretty shit all round.

Yet then they endlessly shit on about the organic food they’ve just cooked and are raising their kids on. That makes the petrochemical cutting agents they just banged up their noses absolutely fine...

My advice OP is to find out where he’s using it the most. Set your boundaries now and say you refuse to have that anywhere near your kids. So no to the home ever. He’s probably very reasonable until you talk about removing the the ‘showbiz’. So, until you can get him to think about what he’s doing - tell him no way in your home.

I’d like to think the thought of his kids doing coke in their teens would stop him. Unfortunately, even the lightest of users will minimise cocaine as no big deal.

PP says it’s 100 a g. Not where I live, it’s half that and I’m amazed at how many school mums are on it every weekend.

I’ll not judge, but it’s not really normal or what I’d consider an enjoyable way to spend your spare time.

Good luck OP. Getting rid of cocaine is like getting knotweed out of the garden. He has to want to do the right thing and stop it. Until then, just put your foot down about your home and your kids.

I feel for you because I've been in the place where what you've described seemed normal and excusable - it's not.
I found substance abuse completely eroded my trust in my ex because I couldn't expect him to perform the basic task of staying well/not getting arrested but it wasn't for months after we broke up that I really got that. And yes the lying - when you are well and not addicted you can't credit that someone could be lying to you as convincingly and often as an addict can , it seems impossible, but they can.
I'd suggest reaching out to some helpful organisations like NA too

Did no one else read that link upthread?
23,000 people dead in one year from drugs-related violence.
A civil war that has raged for 40 years?

He can forget recycling or being a good dad - why bother when that line of white is directly linked to rebels who will club people to death?

Hi OP. I'm in a similar situation to you as I found out my partner (now ex) and father to DS is a heavy cocaine user. I only found out a few weeks ago. I had no idea he used it - had known he did it when younger. He worked away mon-fri, and was taking it alone in his hotel room.

He would also go out a lot when home and took it with his mates.

Anyway, there is a child involved so obviously I have ended the relationship and am supervising all contact between DS and his father. You should be doing exactly the same, because the children are the priority, not him or his cocaine habit/addiction.