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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Aibu to be concerned about cocaine use?

132 replies

Hopskipjumping · 04/05/2018 06:48

I met OH at 18 & from about 6 months into the relationship was aware he took drugs occasionally. It wasn't that concerned at the time- I was young and had never taken drugs or seen them so it didn't really affect me.

Fast forward we're both almost 30 and have two children. He works extremely hard in a very stressful job which he seems to deal with by drinking and taking cocaine when he can. As the stress increases his drug use frequency does too. This concerns me for his health and also the risk of addiction. Addiction runs in his family it seems.

When I mention this to him he gets angry that im trying to control him and it makes the relationship worse. I need to tell myself to forget about it as everything else is great but it really affects me. Hes going on a night out on Saturday and when I asked him not to take it he kicked off.

The reason im asking however is because I feel hes done it far too frequently recently and im concerned. The final straw came when a couple of weeks ago we were having a bbq with some family and our kids. He had a couple of vodkas and his mood changed. He started texting his friends trying to arrange to go out. Then he disappeared inside and I caught him taking cocaine in the bathroom. He insists he was going to go out with friends and that's why he took it but it was extremely shocking for me. He didn't end up going out as I was so upset so we sat in with a takeaway and watched a film despite him taking cocaine hours earlier. It just doesn't seem normal.

A few weeks earlier we had friends round to our house for my birthday. I went to bed at 2am and thought hed join me when everyone left. I woke at 6am to find hed left to go to another friends house to take cocaine.

I constantly have to be wary of how much I drink/when I go to bed so I am ok for our kids but he seems to not care.

His response when I complain is that he will just stop going out then. This isnt feasible however.

I feel so down as everything else is great. Hes a great father and partner and I dont believe he has a problem unless hes going through a particularly stressful period which he is now im just worried he goes too far and becomes an addict or even dies. He assures me this wont happen and that "everyone does it" and is fine.

So am I right to be concerned or do I just let it go?

OP posts:
CornishFairing · 12/08/2018 08:38

You need legal advice ASAP op, then you need to find out your benefit entitlement - you can go to cab for this.

You could always rent somewhere small short term if it came to that. But I agree that he should be the one to leave the house in the first instance , if possible. Could he not rent somewhere ?

Original poster
Hopskipjumping · 12/08/2018 08:39

Because of his actions im now functioning on two-three hours sleep and more focused on sorting out what im going to do than being with my kids. Its so infuriating. Whilst he lies in bed sleeping it all off.

OP posts:
CornishFairing · 12/08/2018 08:40

Great that the house is in your name. And you're not married so that might minimise his claim.

Original poster
Hopskipjumping · 12/08/2018 08:41

He could rent somewhere but he won't. Im almost 100% sure.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hopskipjumping · 12/08/2018 08:41

Sorry, the house is in both names, think I confused things.

OP posts:
CornishFairing · 12/08/2018 08:43

Can you find a family solicitor in your area that does a free consult ? Tell them everything , don't minimise the drug use.

Are you sure he hasn't spent any of your savings? I really hope they are in your account x

1Wanda1 · 12/08/2018 08:45

If you aren't married and the house is in your name only, can't you just change the locks and tell him to piss off?

Original poster
Hopskipjumping · 12/08/2018 08:46

The savings are in his account unfortunately. I'll have a look but not sure what I'd be looking to gain from a solicitor especially as we're not married.

OP posts:
MyNameIsNotSteven · 12/08/2018 08:46

Given his drug use, could you get help from the police to make his leave? This would also be useful evidence in limiting his contact with the DCs as he simply can't be trusted. It almost goes without saying but you need a job. He isn't going to be the sort of man to pay a regular and fair amount of maintenance.

1Wanda1 · 12/08/2018 08:46

You won't get "a free consult" from a family solicitor. This is a myth peddled on Mumsnet. A solicitor will not advise you for free. They might see you for an initial discussion about your situation, and tell you what they need from you in order to advise you (e.g. ID documents and money on account).

I am a solicitor but not a family one.

CherryPavlova · 12/08/2018 08:50

He’s an addict and they lie. He’s spending family money on illegal drugs.

CornishFairing · 12/08/2018 08:52

Well I've seen a family solicitor for 40 mins for free and we had a good chat about my situation and what could happen, what they could do to help me, etc. totally worth doing.

No they won't give you formal legal advice or assistance but they will hear you out and tell you where you stand (mine did).

Worth a try op x

EvaHarknessRose · 12/08/2018 08:55

I don’t have any experience, but I would say try to focus unemotionally on the best outcome for you and the kids - he’s busy ruining his life, you need to protect yours. Protect finances, only give him what is legally his, seek everything you legally can from him. If he gets aggressive call the police. He might have to sofa surf with mates, but the kids need a stable base.

CornishFairing · 12/08/2018 08:56

You need to get him out the house op, and you're saying he won't do that voluntarily , so you need advice about how to get him out of the family home. I personally wouldn't advice changing the locks and telling him to piss off - this may not end well.

Can you access the bank statements to the savings ? If they are in his name I suspect that they are legally his savings. If he is anything like my ex he wouldn't have been able to resist using them for drugs. X

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/08/2018 08:56

"Why does an almost 30 year old chose the life of a teenager?!"

But hopping his life though is not the life of a teenager; it is the life of an addict and you have also played a key role here in his addiction; you are codependent in relationships and have further enabled him thus giving you a false sense of control. All this man cares about is where the next fix is going to come from.

Where he goes now from your home is really of no concern of yours.

1Wanda1 · 12/08/2018 08:58

It's not actual advice for your situation, though, is it CornishFairing?

The idea of a "free consult" gives the wrong impression to people in desperate situations on MN and raises expectations unfairly. Family lawyers aren't the NHS of law.

MrsBertBibby · 12/08/2018 08:58

A solicitor can advise on things like a schedule 1 Children Act claim, so you don't have to give him his share of the equity til the kids are grown, for starters.

CornishFairing · 12/08/2018 08:59

I've just googled and found numerous solicitors offering 45 min free consultations in both family and property law xx

CornishFairing · 12/08/2018 09:02

Depends where you are op x

NeverKeepANameTooLong · 12/08/2018 09:03

No such thing as a free consult, they will listen and assess your financial ability to litigate. They are looking for clients not really dispensing free advice

CornishFairing · 12/08/2018 09:05

1wanda1 not going to enter into debate with you about that as will derail the thread.

For the record op I found my initial consultation hugely helpful and empowering, and saw what rights I did have. If you choose not to look into legal help then of course that's your choice.... it does sound like you need a starting point for information and formal help though.

Strawbroke · 12/08/2018 09:09

If you pack your bags and leave to go to your mums it doesn't mean you give up your claim to the house or that you can't get him out at a later date. I was removed by the police (first to hospital to get treatment for my injuries and then they told me to go to my parents for my own safety as XH was violent, so me and the 3 DC's were in one room). He later let me go back to the house with my DC's but was harassing me so I moved out and forced him to buy me out. 4 years later, with a new masters and a lot of blood, sweat and tears I have just bought my own house after renting. I went from working two jobs at 8 hours a week, getting housing benefit and tax credits and pretty much everything I could to support myself and three children, to a well paid FT job and I'm off benefits. My children were 10, 6 and 3 when I was removed. You CAN do this OP. It's hard but it's better than your life now. I would go to your mums, get her support and fuck this loser. He doesn't deserve you or your children. You have given him plenty of opportunities to sort himself out but ultimately he has prioritised white powder that impacts on his health, family life, functioning and finances. You deserve bette and so do your DC's.

1Wanda1 · 12/08/2018 09:09

NeverKeepANameTooLong has nailed it on the head.

Do go and see a solicitor. Don't expect much from the first meeting but if you can get some money together, pay for an hour's
discussion of your options and take it from there. I would do this tomorrow as a priority.

CardinalCat · 12/08/2018 12:00

For God's sake OP, kick him out. If he has the cash to sticking that amount of gak up his nose then he can afford to rent somewhere while you guys sort this out. I think if you do give him a other chance, it will need to be after he has proven to you for a decent period of time,a year perhaps, that he has sorted himself out. He needs to do that away from the family home though. Get him out now. Why should you and your kids be up-ended and holed up in your parents' spate room?? He is the one at fault, not you, and he should have considered consequences on each of the many prior occasions that you've challenged this behaviour. But he thinks you're a push over and that if he can put up with a bit of grief and nagging for a brief spell, all is forgotten and he has carte blanche to do it all over again. He is treating you like a door at and for every second that you allow him to remain in the family home you are enabling that behaviour. Kick him out and please give your children a chance to live in a family where one of the parents isn't a coke head. I'm not even antoli-coke per se. But i am against anything where one parent falls victim to bouts of repeated selfishness and inability to parent. But for the decent parent, the kids would be taken into care in no time. He is so unfair to do this to you,OP, not just your kids.

Original poster
Hopskipjumping · 12/08/2018 12:45

Its honestly so difficult for me to make him leave. He begs and pleads and promises to change. The thing is he done the exact pleading only two weeks ago.

When he was ignoring my texts, turning his phone off and then openly admitting he was going to come home at 4am but as I was going to be so angry with him then he just prolonged it.

He does it time and time and time again yet if I ever done the same it would be the worst thing imaginable.

I felt so strong. Now hes pleading, begging and its making me weak. I think what life can I offer my kids alone? At least with him we have an income, house car nice neighbourhood for them. I know I could get a job and ive been.applying but its not easy.

He wont take no for an answer. Just constant begging and apologising and it makes me doubt my decision. I honestly hate the position im in.

OP posts:
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