Aibu to be concerned about cocaine use?

[Hopskipjumping]

I met OH at 18 & from about 6 months into the relationship was aware he took drugs occasionally. It wasn't that concerned at the time- I was young and had never taken drugs or seen them so it didn't really affect me.

Fast forward we're both almost 30 and have two children. He works extremely hard in a very stressful job which he seems to deal with by drinking and taking cocaine when he can. As the stress increases his drug use frequency does too. This concerns me for his health and also the risk of addiction. Addiction runs in his family it seems.

When I mention this to him he gets angry that im trying to control him and it makes the relationship worse. I need to tell myself to forget about it as everything else is great but it really affects me. Hes going on a night out on Saturday and when I asked him not to take it he kicked off.

The reason im asking however is because I feel hes done it far too frequently recently and im concerned. The final straw came when a couple of weeks ago we were having a bbq with some family and our kids. He had a couple of vodkas and his mood changed. He started texting his friends trying to arrange to go out. Then he disappeared inside and I caught him taking cocaine in the bathroom. He insists he was going to go out with friends and that's why he took it but it was extremely shocking for me. He didn't end up going out as I was so upset so we sat in with a takeaway and watched a film despite him taking cocaine hours earlier. It just doesn't seem normal.

A few weeks earlier we had friends round to our house for my birthday. I went to bed at 2am and thought hed join me when everyone left. I woke at 6am to find hed left to go to another friends house to take cocaine.

I constantly have to be wary of how much I drink/when I go to bed so I am ok for our kids but he seems to not care.

His response when I complain is that he will just stop going out then. This isnt feasible however.

I feel so down as everything else is great. Hes a great father and partner and I dont believe he has a problem unless hes going through a particularly stressful period which he is now im just worried he goes too far and becomes an addict or even dies. He assures me this wont happen and that "everyone does it" and is fine.

So am I right to be concerned or do I just let it go?

Also agree with Wanda re the myth of "free advice". Some less scrupulous lawyers may advertise free advice sessions, but if they actually give out advice to somebody who is not a fully signed up client, who has passed the yc anti-money laundering checks, and to whom a letter of engagement has been issued then two consequences - 1. The solicitor is in breach of a number of law society regulations and 2. Should you rely on that 'advice' to your eventual detriment,you have no comeback against the solicitor as the "advice" was not given in a solicitor - client relationship.
In the vast majority of cases, solicitors provide and ear and give a gentle steer but make no mistake that from the firm's perspective, the overriding objective of that meeting is to get you on board as a client (so ascertaining suitability for legal aid and if not, agreeing fee structure in conjunction with scope of work.) Only after that has been done will advice of any value and that you can safely rely upon flow. That's not to say that these preliminary meetings are not incredibly useful. For somebody looking to leave their marriage, that first meeting with a lawyer can be incredibly empowering (along with a whole bunch of other emotions too- not all positive!)
I would always urge people to go by personal recommendation for legal services if at all possible.

You knew he took Cocaine when you first met him, yet you stayed with him and had children with him. He's a great father? Sounds like it.

He's got a stressful job - doctor, policeman, fireman? He's an addict and you enable him to continue. Does he have dealers coming to the house? It's only a matter of time, surely, before he:

gets violent
the children witness his drug-taking
he's arrested
he overdoses
all your money ends up being spent on his addiction and your bills, rent etc. will not be paid.

If it were me, I'd insist he got help ASAP to get off the drugs (with his family also being drug users it's unlikely he'll stop), or I'd leave.

He begs and pleads and says he'll change... but he knows he won't, and he knows you'll just keep allowing him to carry on as he is.

Never dealers coming to house. He only uses it when out drinking. He had some left thats why it came into our house.

He wont take no for an answer. Just constant begging and apologising and it makes me doubt my decision. Of course he does because he more worried about what will happen, what you will say about him when not if you separate about his drug addiction.

I would tell him as a start he can transfer all your savings into a account that is in your name only. And that he needs to leave and sort his drug addiction away from his children and you as it is not fair on them for them to see this.

Bloody hell, stop excusing him and get him out. Is this the life you want? Do you think your children deserve all this - him coming in when he feels like it and going out all night? He's not a good dad - he's a fucking useless dad and partner.

The thing is Lynne, coke seems to be extremely prevalent in a lot of families these days, and the addicted parent will in most cases not be violent,or get arrested or OD or any of the other dramatic events that you list. However, this still doesn't make it acceptable, whether it's coke or boozing or smoking weed, that parent is perennially unreliable, can't be trusted to go out and come out when they say they will and is as much use as a burst couch the next day, thus leaving the other parent to handle children and household duties, whilst also covering for the wrecked parent. If it was once in a blue moon then perhaps a blind eye could be turned. But by its addictive nature all too often people who drink lots/ take coke etc are luted into doing it more and more and then they can't enjoy a night out without it. If that's the case then in my view their options are to stop going on these nights out altogether, or be honest about the fact that getting wrecked means more to them than family life and let their partner and children have that family life with them not in it. It doesn't often end in police and ambulances, but nor should it have to for it to be completely unacceptable behaviour either.

I have some limited sympathy but you got with him knowing all this. And then had children with him still knowing this.

You have to take some responsibility for the choice you made then, and the choices you are making now.

I've been there. I didn't realize at first until I found the evidence, and I've taken loads of drugs in my time. He was very good at coming up with stories and excuses as I found out it's been going on for probably over twenty years. He had a very responsible senior job. I watched it all unravel and couldn't understand why he kept getting everything so wrong. I thought it was mental health issues which is why I supported (and enabled) him for so long
It's awful. He won't change unless he gets serious therapy and changes all his friends etc.you need to decide if you want a moody lying addict around you and your kids.

I'll be amazed if there are any savings left in his account OP.

Believe me when I say that it will come to house. My ex and his dealer mates came to my house and slashed my tyres on two different occasions.

You WILL be ok on your own and you will get an income. With him you will never have anything nice because when he wants a hit he will sell whatever he can find.

I've had previous jewellery and iPads Pawned.

Think about the future of your children and get him gone.

I have watched addiction at close hand. Doesn't matter if it is coke, booze, weed or a mix of all 3.

As PP said it doesn't always go to the extremes (drinking on a park bench, dealers, OD etc) - but it only ever goes one way - worse.

Constant money worries and increasing massive debt (loans, remortgaging, loosing house), constant job losses (career stalls, become unemployable), physical and MH issues with addict and also partner (crippling depression and anxiety).

The children suffer through all of this.

They have an addict parent who is not there for them physically and emotionally 24/7 (when they are out on a binge all night, when they are pissed/high and also when they are hung-over, coming down, craving and plotting the next binge).

This does untold damage to children - they may not "see" the drink/drugs but they feel and very damaged by the loss/absence of this parent.

They also absorb the 24/7 stress of the partner as you are distracted and exhausted, unable to meet DCs needs as you pick up his share of all of his parenting work and fire fight the situations he causes.

His drug taking is very progressed - he has a significant habit by anyones standards. Addiction is a progressive disease - there is no "cutting down" with addicts - they have to give up 100% for life.

You need to get him out. The sky will not fall in. Get a RL relative/friend to move his stuff out. It is up to him to find a place to stay. He is a grown man with a successful career that takes him abroad - so he knows how to find hotel room.

You only have a finite amount of emotional energy - dont expend anymore of it worrying about him - divert it to your children and your self.

He needs a whole year of being clean before any reconciliation - so realise that this is a long road - but dont count on a happy ending with him.

Get support for you and your children to move out of this mess. It is the only way. You will improve the life of your children - and it is also the only chance that your DP has of turning himself around, once he sees what he has lost.

I'm sorry you're going through this op - the begging and pleading and tears is all designed to wear you down and make it impossible for you to think straight. What he wants is to make you feel that you have to decide RIGHT NOW - either you kick him out and it's over forever and that's your fault, or you forgive him and tell him it's OK.

You don't have to decide now. But he does need to give you space to think.

Take care of yourself - maybe leave the house for a few hours so you can think in peace about what you want to happen next. He must have a friend he can stay with, or if he can afford coke, he can afford a hotel.

And BTW - he only took coke in the house that one time because it was "left over"? I've known a lot of people who take coke, and not one of them ever had any "left over". They took the coke till the coke was all gone. Its part of the nature of the drug - people who can just take a bit are very rare, and he doesn't sound like he's one of them

*This does untold damage to children - they may not "see" the drink/drugs but they feel and very damaged by the loss/absence of this parent.

They also absorb the 24/7 stress of the partner as you are distracted and exhausted, unable to meet DCs needs as you pick up his share of all of his parenting work and fire fight the situations he causes.*

This rings so true. He works very long hours and will see the kids for an hour tops everyday (usually less). He'll work til dinner time then leave for the gym whilst I sort the kids for bed.

We planned a family day for today but of course he couldnt go. And I wasn't in the mood for it either. So the kids spent the majority of the day watching tv. Which makes me feel like a failure and it's due to his actions.

I know its probably minimising the problem but I keep thinking "is it really that bad?". But then I remember all his friends of a similar age went home to their wives and children. He had to stay out with 20 year olds as that was his only choice.

He took drugs at our family bbq.

Two weeks ago he stayed out til 8:30am and my son was wondering why dad was just coming home. I dropped him off at the pub at 4pm!

Yesterday he went out at 5pm til 6am. I look at my neighbours husbands and wish mine was like them. Sensible and stable.

He takes and takes and takes and im left drained. Yes I get to stay at home with my kids wish I absolutely love but is it worth it for this shit and feeling drained, exhausted and taking for granted.

Im at my mums. He pleaded and begged. Promised to buy me dinner, put the kids to bed, give me space, give me a massage. But I left and I feel really empowered doing so. Im not sure where the strength came from but I can imagine him turning nasty if I go through with anything long term.

I’m sorry but there has to be more to this than just coke, I would be very surprised if he wasn’t having an affair/ casual sex whilst on the cocaine, it’s meant to be ‘unbelievable’ with cocaine by all accounts.

Whether he has cheated or not he is a drug addict and a liar! Which means that you cannot trust a single word that comes out of his mouth! He sounds manipulative too! You and your children are scrimping and saving whilst he spends £120 a gram on white powder that he shoves up his nose!

I have a close friend who works in a bar and she has to clean up the most horrendous scenes after close! Blood and cocaine over cisterns and the floor, in both bathrooms! Despite the blood they continue snorting off the filthy surface!

I have never taken drugs and the videos my friend has sent me have seriously horrified me! There is absolutely no way that I could allow my husband to stay under the same roof as our children after he had taken drugs into our home! If he has leftovers and your Seven year old or two year old got a hold of it or ingest it they could end up dead or seriously ill in hospital. You need to protect them from their Father! This is no different to having a husband addicted to heroin in my opinion! They are both class A drugs that your partner is addicted to and wasting family money on!

I would be seeing if your parents would take him in, until he voluntarily seeks support for his addiction issues! You need to tell people what he is doing, if you hide it for him then he can just get right back to doing it again! As long as he faces no consequences then he has zero incentive to change!

As a sign of trust, he needs to transfer all savings or at least half of your savings into your account! You need to know that he isn’t spending your savings on cocaine. I would not be surprised if there are very little savings left! He is getting money for drugs from somewhere! Cocaine is expensive and dealers don’t give it away for free!

Reading my post, I wasn’t saying your partner was addicted to heroin, just that there was no difference in my opinion, whether cocaine or heroin, he is addicted to a class A drug and it is seriously impacting on your family!

I can imagine him turning nasty if I go through with anything long term.

Which is why you need legal advice.

He's an alcoholic and a drug addict. If he wasn't addicted he could have stopped taking them.
An addict's promise is worthless.
Unless he gets professional help they will drag him down. And if he is still with you he will drag you all down with him.
I have seen this happen in another family, and it's awful.
I feel so sorry for you.

OP well done on leaving, I absolutely feel for you as I'm in a very similar situation... not the overnight benders but still bad enough to have me reconsidering if we have a future together.

It's the worst feeling in the world knowing you're not enough, or that the life you have together isn't, and that all the time and effort may well be wasted on someone whose addictions will always have you at the bottom of the list of priorities. I really hope he comes to his senses and you get your happy ever after, I can't say I feel the same wil happen for me

People can lose all sense when drugs become all-important. I know of an addict (middle-class professional "family" man, for what that's worth) who was tipped off that the police were raiding homes, and put his drug paraphernalia into his 6-year old's school bag to get it out of the house!

He is a drug addict. He will manipulate you into believing any BS he tells you, they are experts at that. ALL they care about is drugs nothing else. Don't let him coerce you into his world of shit. Get you and your kids out now.

So today I've unravelled a lot of lies he told me about Saturday night. Im terrified hes cheated although I'd never ever ever suspect it previously but something is off.

So on Sunday morning he told me he went back to the 20 year olds flat and that there was only one other girl there (who used to be an old neighbour).

Today I told him I had asked my sister to contact the girl to see if his story is true. He starts physically panicking and sweating. Clearly stressing. He then admits there was another girl there but she was with her girlfriend.

I say that's fine I will find out the truth.

He starts shaking and then runs to the toilet with diarrhoea. He comes out and says "look there may have been another girl there but I was in the kitchen the full night. I didn't even notice"

So then I say so you didn't speak to any girl at all and he back tracks and says well it would just have been the usual friendly conversation. Nothing to worry about.

I'm not going to ask my sister to message the girl as its too embarrassing. He tells me the only thing he has to worry about is the cocaine but why the lies. It doesn't feel right.

Fwiw he would hit the roof if I ever went to a flat with guys after the pub.

Do you really believe his sudden diarrhoea in the middle of this conversation? I presume he took his phone. It's either contacting this girl to get their stories straight or he had a desperate need for drugs to help him cope, which means he's brought them into the house again.

Im thinking it was nerves so severe to bring it on. But why would nerves be so extreme if you'd done nothing wrong.

Basically you can't believe anything he says, can you? And you can't trust him with your dc or your money either. The addiction will always come first.

He may beg and plead, but you can't actually help him. He is begging and pleading with you to risk your security, your peace of mind - to everything - so that he doesn't have to face up to his addiction. That wouldn't actually help him, and it certainly won't help you or your dc. You have to separate your life from this guy, sad to say.

I don’t really think you get so nervous and scared by questions you get instant diarrhoea.

Well done for leaving OP, you don’t need to make any decisions now, just give yourself some time. I wouldn’t really bother contacting him, his behaviour must be exhausting for you