Lets have a bit of Summer Lovin' - Dating Thread 133!

[Jaxinthebox]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

choc I do too, but only to boost my ego as if its this hard early on, I don't think I want it anyway. I liked him, but I already have a few lined up who probably are much better prospects. I think we are a bit blinded sometimes with a high expectation and when that dies its hard to summon up enthusiasm again.

That said, if he did get back in touch, i would see him again (who knows tomorrow I might feel different) but I know where I am at now because I have had time to work out what I want again, and it isn't that. I don't want to feel ignored, I don't want to be 10th down a whatts app list!

Its such a hard balance this dating lark, not getting carried away but not holding yourself back either, I think the one worth persuing right now needs to be the one that feels right. Anyway, my point is, no one should settle, but keep your expectations low and enjoy the process.

Now where is my phone?........;)

so, seeing Mr French tomorrow and then the next time I will see him is the 20th... which is a long time, but also my birthday and the day before I go on holiday so got to make the most of it.

Shoe I'm also in the just text him camp, if you want to see him again. In an Amy Young styllee, I wait for no man.

So, I have 2 irons. One seems lovely and we're meeting on Friday night (I prefer a quick coffee, but we were both only free then) - Mr Red, as he's ginger. I normally go for dark guys with beards, so I'm dating out my comfort zone
The second one is more gggnnnnnggggghhhhhhh and frustrating. He's in my beardy comfort zone, BUT he's yet another one that doesn't bloody drive. This will be the FOURTH one I've dated in a row that doesn't drive. In itself it isn't a problem, but I've found that it ends up my responsibility to drive everywhere for a date, as the public transport isn't brilliant around mine, and it means I can never have a glass of wine with a meal, or both get a bit squiffy in the pub. I also love walking in the hills, for which you need a car. If he doesn't drive, then he mustn't like that. Other than that, he seems really nice. Mr Vinyl I think I shall call him

What is it with the non drivers?!!!!

Loving reading your updates!

I have another new iron, Mr Teacher. Due to meet tomorrow for a drink. He seems the right amount of keen so far. I do not have a good success rate!

Not heard from Mr Past who I'm due to see next week since Friday. Shocker.

I couldn't deal with a non driver. Likewise, public transport around me isn't great and I hugely value the independence a car offers!

I have to get used to the iron terminology to be on this thread!

languid you will be fine.

skyrabbit Mr French doesnt drive - but where he lives he doesnt need to. But Im on it, he can drive - just needs to pass his theory test - which is in English, so I will help him with that part because I dont want to always have to drive if we go anywhere, although it doesnt bother me. I like driving. Id just like the option

So I've been thinking, I've watched the Amy Young 'pep talks' and they are fab! I'm looking at pics of this guy and if I'm 100% honest he's really not all that? I think because a few friends knew of him they told me what a lovely guy he is? Both friends who know him didn't have s bad word to say! So that made him more attractive (obviously!!). He also doesn't drive!!! Keep trying to focus on the negatives so that when it inevitably goes pear shaped, as it's looking, it doesn't bother me that much! As Amy Young says, I don't know him why do I give a fuck!!! I DID text him yesterday and I got a reply and now.............. nothing........... but I'm struggling as I DID like him!!!! In my view there WAS a spark and it's hard when it wasn't even me that initiated it I wasn't that bothered and he managed to persuade me to meet and now......... nothing!!!!

Shoegal0305 The first one is always the hardest. I fell hard and fast for the first guy I dated after my ltr ended and got played big time. I think because I'd been "out of the game" for so long I had no idea how things work nowadays in dating. I'm a little wiser now thanks to tips and suggestions I've picked up along the way but I know I'm still quite sensitive. And still have a massive soft spot for this particular man which I'm working on!

In terms of dates coming with good references from others: I've been burnt by this. Its impossible to know that because someone is a good friend that they would make a decent and respectful partner. Eyes wide open at what's really in front of you, regardless of the opinions of others.

So had my first online date last night. Bloody awful. He'd clearly used very old photos, exaggerated his height and build and just from seeing him walk in I knew it wasn't going to happen. I seem to keep attracting ones out of LTRs that have moved back in with their parents. So had a swift drink, made my excuses and left! An important reminder to not over invest with texts and phone calls. But still, at least I got some much needed practise at binning someone off.

I'd already decided OLD isn't for me and this just confirmed it. Just going to keep building myself up, getting tips from you guys and see what real life throws at me.

Costa thank you.

I'm at work at the minute I adore my job and I'm working with two great men who I'm flirting big style with (both single but quite a bit younger so ego boost for me haha)....... so I'm annoyed at myself for allowing someone to bother me so much! I think whilst I'm at work it's easier not to think about things, when I'm home alone I get lonely and that's when my thoughts run riot!

Why the hell am I allowing someone I hardly know to dominate my thoughts???

Costa I had a similar experience just after Christmas. It was awful. He was nothing like his photos. We'd messaged loads in the week or so before the date. I was 100% invested in him, ignored any red flags and ended up so disappointed. But I learnt a huge lesson from it and have never made the same mistake since.

Shoe it's really hard, but you need to stop over-investing in someone you've only met once. We've all done it, and it's easy to really fall for someone we barely know. Either you sit back and wait for him to suggest meeting up again or just go in there and suggest it yourself. That way you'll soon see if he's keen to meet up again. In the mean time, why not find others online to chat to? At one point I had about 4 conversations on the go and enjoyed it for a while.

I've learnt loads both from this thread and from various experiences, and I no longer have high expectations or over-invest in anyone. It's not been easy to get to this point, but I feel so much more in control.

I've decided to just see what happens with Mr Academic. His messages have always been sporadic and I've not heard from him for 2 days. He has said he wants to meet again so I'm leaving it up to him to actually suggest it. And if he doesn't, it's his loss. I'm not putting in any effort when it's not really reciprocated. He's lovely when we're together and this may be a 'slow burn', which is fine. But I'm happy to sit back and wait. I'm sick of using emotional energy uneccessarily.

Bizarrely, 2 of my Instagram photos were liked by someone I met online, we'll call him Mr Camera, a few months ago. We had a misunderstanding by text and it never went anywhere, despite us getting on well. He asked to keep my number, but I heard nothing until today, when he's liked my photos. He doesn't follow me, so he's clearly looked me up to find me. Not sure if it means anything, but I guess it does mean he was thinking of me.

Funnily enough I learnt a hard lesson a few years ago I over invested in a guy, was texting every day etc, then I met him and was completely deflated!!!! Instantly no attraction! Vowed not to do it again...... and I haven't. This time round I've been really guarded, totally not invested at all...... met him and boom I was instantly attracted!!!

shoe I think that if they're also guarded and very cool about it all, it makes us worse. It certainly does to me. I've recently had 3 men all very keen to meet, have a relationship, etc, and I've run a mile. Anyone who doesn't appear interested has totally got my interest. However, I'm now at the point where I just think that if they do want me, they can do the chasing. I actually can't be bothered, or have emotional energy, to make the effort. Don't get me wrong, I do think about Mr Academic who's so laid back he's 6 foot under. But after watching about 6 Amy Young videos, I can handle my own feelings so much better.

I'm sure time will help with this one? I'm not texting him again if he wants me he knows how to get me! Just feel a bit low that I had the confidence to meet him and now he doesn't seem interested? It DOES knock you regardless xx

choc Just to update you, your word with Mr French worked ;)

Literally after I posted on here about not being bothererd, a 8 minute voice message landed in my whats app box. I tried not to listen to it, I lasted about 15 minutes. Basically, he was a bit freaked out by my freak out, he was very stressed (this is true he was made homeless effectively with no notice by the company he works for), and he decided to take himself off for the weekend in his van and just be alone, to think about his situation and about me and him (he said that, I imagined he was ignoring me totally).

He said he liked me a lot, as a person and physically, and he would come to see me soon, but he also was thinking about how it could work etc with being an hour apart and both having hectic lives. I also think this. He said he missed my messages, that not contacting him had driven him a bit crazy ;)

So do I believe him? Kind of, but I told him a message saying "going off grid for a week or so to sort stuff out, I will be back in touch soon" would have stopped it me from stressing and looking a bit bat shit. Its also given me time to think what I want, and I am not going to stop seeing and talking to other people, but would no see him just when he makes the effort. I am doing zero chasing now, if he wants, he has to knock on my door again. It feels good to know where I stand again, and now I feel a bit more in control of my own emotions. Do I want someone who retreats every time they are stressed?? I appreciate that is his way of dealing with things but.......

He is not occupying most of my head space now, so i can process better!

TomHardy Well I have had similar thoughts myself this week..... No contact from Mr I Didn't Think I'd Like You But I Do since Monday night, he's got a lot of horrible family related stuff at the moment and this week he is tied up dealing with that this week.

So I haven't contacted him, don't want to intrude as I know this week is going to be tough.

At the same time I'm wondering if I am wasting my time, we left it great on Monday, before this we had daily contact morning, noon and night and this is a departure from what I'm used to so finding it a bit unsettling. We made a loose arrangement to meet next week - I think I'll just leave him to it this week and if he wants to get back in touch then he can and if he doesn't then I'll just dust myself off and chalk it up to experience!

Don't like to play games or chase at all. I think that he is not 100% sure about what it is he wants, by the time he's decided I could have moved on...... his loss!

👑🌈🦄

Vixen that's so hard to deal with, when things were going well and you'd had regular contact then get nothing. I've not regular contact, but we've met 3 times and got on well each time. You're right to leave the ball in his court.

I don't think we should have to do the running. How much effort does it take to send a quick message or suggest meeting up? I'm sick of doing the running so I'm sitting firmly on the 'If you want me you know where to find me' bench.

I realise they might not know what they want and don't want to rush things. That doesn't bother me. But a quick hello doesn't take much effort does it?

TomHardy Well he's been on WA plenty of times and no, it wouldn't hurt to drop a message. But also giving benefit of the doubt that he just needs to retreat for a while and have some space.

Thinking of wiping the slate clean and starting from scratch again.... 🤣😂 x

Speed dating. What a blast that was!
Good fun but exhausting. Spoke to 10 very different men for about 4mins each. After the first few I was worn out! You end up repeating yourself - your job, where you live, what you like.
And then you just find something you can have a good chat about when the bell goes.
Wasn't that keen on any of the blokes. So I could either book again for free or take a gamble on a couple of them that were ok and might be better with more time to chat. Still deciding!

Vixen if I were you, I'd give him up. If he can manage to go on WA, he can manage a quick hello. Mr Academic has also been on WA (not that I'm stalking him so I'd also expect something as he has said he'd like to see me again.

Starting again sounds like a good option, although I do wonder if there is anyone normal out there? I've come across nothing but people with issues/generally odd over the last few months.

TomHardy yeah I've pretty much come to the conclusion about that myself. I've also changed my privacy settings on WA so I can't see when other people are online..... I think it's going to keep me sane 😎

A friend of mine has been trying to set me up with her BFs friend for some time now - a RL date type thing! So I might get her to work her magic 😂🤣

disappears to read WMLB cover to cover to do it properly this time round

My friend once said to me OLD is a bit like picking through the scrap heap to find the least broken thing 🙈 I'm beginning to believe she's right...... x

vixen yes!! It is exactly like that. Everyone I've met online has been broken in some way, some less so than others. Two have become friends out of it, the rest I couldn't get far enough away from. I'd love to find someone IRL, I think it's the best way. I'm just trying to go out more to see bands with friends. Just getting out helps keep me sane and stop over-thinking everything.

VixenSixen I think that's pretty accurate!

I think Amy Young had it right when she said "no message IS A MESSAGE", or words to that effect. If someone doesn't message it's not because they can't unless in work / out with children. Not replying is an active process. I think she suggests that it should be met with nothing back and interest gone, that's a fair but hard to do response.

Pudding if I could talk with your Mr French I would now tell him to get on with actively making amends and showing interest.

Can anyone interpret this?
Message on POF from some who ticks my boxes and says they are looking for a relationship.
Him: No harm in looking
Me: Are you just looking or are you interesting in chatting/dating etc?
Him: Looking to enjoy a confident single woman
Me. I'm looking for someone to date. Not sure we're looking for the same thing
Him: Never mind

I read that as he wants a hookup despite what it says in his profile. Or have I got that wrong?