Lets have a bit of Summer Lovin' - Dating Thread 133!

[Jaxinthebox]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Cake my profile is too strict according to my ex No, I just know what I want and don't want and am not prepared to settle. I did that with my marriage and will never do it again. I'm sticking to my guns and listening to my gut. I'm happy and quite content on my own. I have 3 children so not feeling my biological clock ticking or anything like that. After a few failed relationships I'm determined to make sure, as much as possible, that the next one will be the right one. I've learned a lot recently about my boundaries and self worth. So far, nothing in sight on the app. I rarely even get any matches.
I told my mum all about my date on Saturday night and she was appalled by how rude he was and really disappointed he wasn't as handsome as his profile pic!

Meant to say: do you think he'd have time for a relationship if he is so busy he struggles to date? How often could he realistically see you?

Literary my profile is quite strict as well, I think. Although it doesn't stop some of the weirdos messaging me.
I find it frustrating when you message someone who seems to be a good match and they ignore you or worse, block you.

My cancelled date has admitted that he has little time for dating but if he met someone he liked then he would make the effort to make more time. I'm in a similar position so I can kind of understand.
I've had men tell me to get lost when I've said I'm not available to meet them with a day or two.

Cake that's so rude of them, are you not allowed to have a life?! It's so easy to see why a lot of these men are single.

First time ever on this thread. First time dating after marriage break up a few years ago. Put myself on match last week and after a few dodgy messages, someone fairly normal got in touch. Have been messaging daily, he messages every morning and every evening and before bed. But.. and I am not sure if I am just trying to suss him out too quickly, he lives far away, seems to have a very busy job and even though he keeps talking about us meeting, earlier in the week he said he was busy this weekend and then today through the message chat, said he didn't have any plans. I never asked him to meet this weekend anyway, but I don't know if I am getting overly invested in something that won't happen...but I really like what I know of him so far. Have spoken on the phone a few times too. Not really sure what to think...any expert advice gratefully received.

So...things with Mr Beard are going very well. We have had five dates in the last two and a half weeks. BUT I am going on holiday on Friday morning for two weeks which feels a bit wierd when just met someone .... what is even more weird is that last night I discovered he was born on the VERY SAME DAY as my ex husband ..... that has really freaked me out a bit!!

Enough, so he lied about being busy this weekend?

Lost that is really creepy!

LeChat - yes basically even though I hadn't asked him if he was or implied I wanted to meet him this weekend. I am actually busy myself but he had said he was and then today seemed to forget that . Not a keeper?

And just to mention he says he has taken his photos off match because he doesn't think it's right to be messaging more than one person at a time. I really don't know what to think. This is all new to me

Enough it sounds like he is lying and also has decided the way he wants it to be for both of you. Normally couples have an exclusivity chat after a few dates or so, then hide or remove profiles. He is already jumping far ahead.

Enough maybe he had plans that have fallen through and that's why he's now free? Sounds like he's fishing to see if you're available before asking you out. However if he lives far away I'd give it a miss as will be hard work to do long distance dating. He sounds a bit full on after only a week. Messages a few times a day and a few phones calls already? Most seem to message via the app for a week or so then exchange numbers and slowly build up ime. If you have misgivings then go with your gut. That's my advice to all now as e peri eve has taught me I should have listened to mine!

My dating site have emailed me about my date on Saturday to say they have taken appropriate action against his account

Thanks for the replies Choc and Literary. As you say, I think I will go with my gut on this. I suppose I just got caught up in the excitement being new to the whole thing. This is gonna be a bit of a learning curve for me!

Literary - that is hilarious About your Saturday date!

enough it is good to be cautious and to trust your gut especially in the early stages when you can quickly over invest. It's also good to arrange a date early to prevent over investment in someone you have not yet met.

I did this to a date once though on initially making arrangements I couldn't do Friday as I had arranged another date. I didn't give him the reason though. We met on the Wednesday and had a lovely time. By Friday my date has cancelled so when he asked what I was doing I said 'no plans'. I ended up seeing my date from Wednesday on the Friday too but I did wonder if he thought about my plans changing.

Thank you, Minnie. That's helpful advice and probably not so great that we live very far away from each other. That was part of the attraction because of the distance it probably would have suited me, but definitely take the point about an early date to not get over invested. There's a couple of weeks where I could be missing out 😀

In a moment of madness, and after a bit too much wine, I re-joined POF last night

One message so far from someone who's a bit younger than me. Also, a message from Mr Writer who I almost met a few moths ago then decided against it as he's not my type physically.

Mr Academic continues to frustrate me. After asking when he could see me again, we both have a hectic week ahead so can't meet imminently. I sent over a few more suggested dates on Monday and nothing!! I know he will reply, this is just how he is. But reading on here when people have regular, often daily, messages from irons, made me realise I want that too. Nothing too over-bearing, but more than I get now. He's been single for 5 years, so I suspect he's just very used to doing his own thing, which is fine. And I know he has a busy life, but it doesn't take two minutes to reply does it? Maybe there's a reason he's been single for so long....part of me likes it being slow, but part of me is a bit frustrated. And I'm not going to chase him.

chat good luck for your date tonight!

enough this sounds exactly like the relationship I had last year when I dated Mr Tall for 9 months. Right from the start it was constant messaging, and in hindsight it was draining. A few months in the constant messaging stopped. By that point I was so used to it, it really threw me. Have you read up on lovebombing? You really should, as it sounds like he might be doing this to you. There's a lot to learn with online dating, but this thread really helps.

PLacemarking

Ive deleted my POF account which was my first look at OLD. Please tell me there are better dating sites that that one.

Which one would you recommend? If im going to pay for one any recommendations would be great please

wheely when I first joined POF after xmas, within a week I Deleted my account because I felt like I had joined a total meat market full of scary delusional middle aged men or silly boys looking for a cougar.
But I was told that there are normal decent people on it you just have to find them.... Or better still they find you!
I went back on and have to say that in the midst of the rubbish.....I have met some nice people and had a some great dates ..... Bumble has also worked for me
Don't I give up 😊

Tom if Mr Academic is frustrating you so much with the lack of messaging now, what are you hoping to get out of persevering with him? It's totally understandable why you're frustrated; I think he's actually really quite rude and arrogant to leave you hanging for days for a simple response, as if your time isn't as valuable as his. This is clearly how he is though, he's not going to miraculously change into a good - or even average - communicator, and you say that (understandably!) that is what you want. At this point he should be on his best behaviour trying to impress you so either this is his best, or he just doesn't really care or value your time.

Lots of us have very busy lives but it takes less than a minute to fire off a text if you want to do it. There is taking it slow and not messaging 24/7, and then there's taking the piss and leaving someone hanging until it suits you. I'm not holding Mr DiamondMine up as some kind of paragon as I don't really know him yet, but whilst far from OTT on the messaging - we never spend hours back and forth - he has been consistent, has messaged most days to check in right from the start, and never leaves me hanging, except when he got admitted to hospital but that is obviously a different scenario, and he apologised profusely as soon as I called him on it (which I wouldn't have if I'd known where he was!). There might well be people who it suits to only be in contact once a week or whatever, but it obviously isn't what you want which is the concern, and it should be fun at this stage, not continually frustrating or saddening...

Speaking of Mr DM, we went to the cinema last night and first moves were made, we have officially made it to first base He seems really lovely, he messaged first thing this morning to say hi and that he had a great time. Hopefully seeing him again at the weekend.

@Costaricachica I'm not quite sure what the desired impact of mentioning exes/other girls is. My last ex did it CONSTANTLY and it was so irritating. I don't know if it's to get a kick out of making us jealous OR an insecurity thing. It is the #1 thing that emotionally unavailable guys do though, so be really wary of that.

@changeoflife Ooooh no you are totally right with this one. Again another example of an emotionally unavailable man. Treating you as a low priority and being flaky. My ex did this and when I would say anything about it he'd say he 'didn't want the drama' as well!! It's a way of shutting you down and trying to make out like you are wrong. He's hoping you'll just stop talking about it. Basically it's his way or no way it would seem, so if you're not willing to put up with that (and you shouldn't, he's not giving you what you want!) then tell him you're done. If he truly cares, he will start making the effort and realise what he's lost. If not then you are better off without. Don't waste any more time! Every 2-3 weeks is not enough. These emotionally unavailable guys throw us scraps and we wait around for the next one and it's truly not worth your time. Well done on spotting all this 3 months in, now it's time to run while you can.

@LiterarDevil I think Change is dating my ex actually haha

I'm meant to have a date Sunday with that newly single guy, but he hasn't asked me one question about my life!!!!!! All he talks about is flirty/sexual stuff. So offputting and I'm thinking of cancelling. Where are the decent guys who can leave the sexual stuff initially. It's so vile.

Meow I had dates with a guy like that. All conversation led to sex talk and was constantly flirting. I enjoyed the flirting but quickly realised he wasn't able to talk about anything other than sex for more than a few minutes. I'd cancel.

According to AIBU it's very unreasonable to expect a date to communicate more than a few times before an actual date

vet eeeeeeekkkk! Sounds fab :)

I've had contact of Mr French: telling me what a hell of a nice woman I am, apologising for being out of touch and he has some weird skin condition that he won't elaborate on, Yet he looked fine in the video I saw of him on another womans instagram page Keeping him at arms length but depsite having quite a few interesting other options I can't get him out my head.

Still, i am partying all weekend with a friend this weekend, and we are both single and ready to mingle. She is great to go out with, quite opposite to me, but she draws men in like she has them under a spell!

Vet thank you so much. Your response was exactly what I needed to hear. It is rude and arrogant of him to leave me hanging. And he clearly doesn't care. He knows I have to plan when I date due to kids schedules. I don't doubt he's very busy, but we all are. In the beginning the once a week messaging was fine. But we've met three times and DTD. I expect a bit more, if I'm honest. I'm not even going to bother saying anything as it's not worth my time. And if/when he does reply, I'll not reply for several days either. In the mean time I'm back on POF and will rejoin Bumble and find someone who is a bit more thoughtful.
I'm so pleased you and Mr DM have finally made it to first base. That is brilliant news!!

tom i think vet makes a good point about him seeing his time as more valuable than yours. if you’re waiting 4 days to see if he is free on a certain day then you’re in limbo and cant make other plans. being laid back is good but being almost horizontal is just rude and lazy!

vet yay for 1st base! MrDM sounds lovely, i hope it continues to go well for you, you’re a catch!

meow eruurghh god no with the sex chat. he sounds sleazy! probably expecting sex on the first date.

literary i saw your thread on AIBU and the responses were insane they didnt get the point at all, but i think AIBU is typically people being as cheeky and argumentative as possible.

pudding the more i hear of MrFrench the more i dislike him you dont need to be told you are a nice woman, you already know that. he sounds like an idiot! hope your partying is fun though, forget about him.

i dont have much to report. im in a weird teenage-esque crush he said/she said situation. he likes me, our mutual friend told him that i liked him and he said “tell me more” soo we shall see if he finally speaks to me. i am aware we sound about 12 but its kind of fun and refreshing