Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

MIL ruining relationship

134 replies

Inapickle30 · 29/04/2018 07:08

Hi all, having issues with my partner at the moment and looking for some advice. My LO is 12 weeks old and has eczema and really sensitive and dry skin. Having major issues with my partner due to me not wanting LO to go to MIL house due to her having cats and fur being all over sofas!

MIL hasn't bothered or seen LO since Mother's Day because she was unhappy that my mum had LO overnight for me and my partner to go out! It's got so bad with myself and partner about that fact that LO is not to go to their house that I have actually not stayed in our house for a few nights now.

Also MIL thinks I spend too much time with my family! bear in mind I had a emergency c section and I couldn't drive for 6 weeks and she only bothered for the first week with us. Never once offered to get anything to bring up for me and LO or offered to take me anywhere! If it's not about her or her way she doesn't want to know!

My parents are hopeful that things will work out between myself and my partner whereas the first thing she has said is she will get a solicitor to get access for my partner to see my LO! I haven't stopped him from seeing LO by the way.

AIBU about not taking baby there, considering in my eyes she doesn't care about baby and also because of her skin? Am I overreacting? This has caused a massive rift between myself and my partner! I feel lost over something so silly xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Inapickle30 · 29/04/2018 07:11

Also my partner hasn't spoken to her since Mother's Day until this week! He agreed with me on not taking LO there until speaking to her this week! He feels like he owes her but in the process he is losing me. She's had a lovely weekend (bragging on Facebook) while we've been at logger heads and crying all the time!xx

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 29/04/2018 07:18

You're right not to take her there if it will aggravate her skin condition. Could you meet the MIL somewhere with your daughter or can the MIL come see you at your house? Not sure why this is such an issue but obviously there's more to it. Did you get on with the MIL before?

Brownieb · 29/04/2018 07:21

Flowers Could you try to put something more appropriate in place like a ‘family’ lunch once a month (fortnightly) where she could come to your house ? If she then declines, it’s her fault. maybe easier to show your dh that you are trying to compromise and make a strong relationship for mil and dd but she is the one then declining. My mil is a crazy ladynightmare and causes a lot of issues and so we try to structure our time with her etc to basically keep her quiet. She still complains (naturally) but that way my partner doesn’t feel guilty or stuck in the middle. And other family members can see it’s her choice not to interact (because it’s not on her terms)

Original poster
Inapickle30 · 29/04/2018 07:29

I've offered for her to come to our house but I don't want her husband (not my partners dad) there as I have had issues with him. She won't come unless he is with her. He hasn't been in my partners life for long so it's not as if he brought my partner up. I'm trying so hard to compromise with her but everything is a competition and has to be about her xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Inapickle30 · 29/04/2018 07:30

We got on to an extent but my partner said before he thinks that we clash over issues. This was even before there were any issues between us. So she probably had an issue with me that I was unaware of!xx

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 29/04/2018 07:32

At 12 weeks old how much contact with cat fur on a sofa is a baby going to come into contact with?

Original poster
Inapickle30 · 29/04/2018 07:33

It's not just on the sofas also on swinging chair that she had there for LO and blanket which was put aside for baby too x

OP posts:
Boooommm · 29/04/2018 07:33

Why don't you like her partner?

PotteringAlong · 29/04/2018 07:36

Just seen the update about her DH. You say she is not willing to compromise but are you? You won’t go there, your baby can’t go there. She can come to you but her husband (who she has known long enough to marry) can’t and has to stay away. How long for? Birthdays? Christmas?

You and your DP have the final say about your child, of course you do, but if you make things difficult you cannot be surprised if things are, well, difficult.

Original poster
Inapickle30 · 29/04/2018 07:37

When this all started, he spoke to me in the most patronising and condescending manner. He is quite rude and whenever myself and partner around him he makes us feel very awkward x

OP posts:
Original poster
Inapickle30 · 29/04/2018 07:39

That's the thing I'm not making things difficult! I'm the type of person that doesn't hold grudges but when it comes to my LO I want what is best for her. If MIL had come around when I had invited her without her partner I can guarantee you things would of been back to normal straight away x

OP posts:
Herewegoagainagain · 29/04/2018 07:40

I had awful skin reactions to cat hair as a child. You're doing the right thing in that regard, OP.

Goandplay · 29/04/2018 07:45

For the sake of your DP can’t you just tolerate your MIL’s husband?

Original poster
Inapickle30 · 29/04/2018 07:49

He agrees with me in regards to her partner it's the house that we are disagreeing on as well as her treatment of the 3 of us (not just myself and LO but also my partner) over the last 5-6 weeks. I don't care how she treats me but it hurts me the way she treats my partner! She thinks she can walk all over him xx

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 29/04/2018 08:07

You are right about the cats. Can you get a letter from a doctor or download stuff about cats and allergies. But you are over the top about her dh. You can't have everything your way. Let her bring her dh and have some give and take. I'm afraid your poor dh has married someone like his mother. Stubborn out! Stop this carry on before your babies family life is destroyed.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 29/04/2018 08:08

Sounds to me like you're both quite similar.
One of you will have to back down eventually.
If you split with your dp the chances are when he has her he will take her there.
I have excema but it isn't affected by cat hair and I have a dog too. Different people have different triggers, does cat hair affect your daughters skin.
It sounds to me as though you just don't like your MIL, but sometimes you just have to put up and shut up.
I can kind of see why she is a little pissed at being told her husband isn't allowed to come round.
Maybe you could try to compramise on that issue if you really don't want your lo in her house. It's just going to continue to cause issues otherwise because of course your dp feels in the middle, it's his mum so naturally he wants her to be involved.

Original poster
Inapickle30 · 29/04/2018 08:09

If you seen what I have had to go through the last few weeks as a result of her and her partner the last thing you would be calling me is stubborn.

OP posts:
Original poster
Inapickle30 · 29/04/2018 08:11

Your right I don't like her due to what she has put be through since my LO has been born. These times should be the happiest times of my life however due to her she has caused them to be times of so many mixed emotions mostly bad! I have tried my very best to involve her in everything I can and a lot more than other people I know have involved their MIL and unfortunately this is how I get repaid xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Inapickle30 · 29/04/2018 08:12

Also she is the reason his last relationship failed too xx

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 29/04/2018 08:15

I have tried my very best to involve her in everything I can

No you haven’t! You won’t take your child to her house and you’ve banned her husband from yours!

Original poster
Inapickle30 · 29/04/2018 08:17

I really have involved her in everything that I can and this has been brewing for a while. I have every right to say who can come to my house

OP posts:
Original poster
Inapickle30 · 29/04/2018 08:18

And the reason I won't take my child to her house is due to the state of it!

OP posts:
Fattymcfaterson · 29/04/2018 08:18

Just let her husband come round xx

stuckonthetrain · 29/04/2018 08:18

If I were you I'd suck it up and agree to the husband coming to your house too. You're being difficult and wanting everything on your own terms. I've had some terrible times with my in-laws and we've moved on. Someone has to be the bigger person or this will just carry on. It all sounds very petty.

PotteringAlong · 29/04/2018 08:19

Of course you do, but you can’t have it every which way. If you want a good relationship with an involved grandparent then you need to allow that relationship to take place somewhere.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread