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Original poster

MIL ruining relationship

134 replies

Inapickle30 · 29/04/2018 07:08

Hi all, having issues with my partner at the moment and looking for some advice. My LO is 12 weeks old and has eczema and really sensitive and dry skin. Having major issues with my partner due to me not wanting LO to go to MIL house due to her having cats and fur being all over sofas!

MIL hasn't bothered or seen LO since Mother's Day because she was unhappy that my mum had LO overnight for me and my partner to go out! It's got so bad with myself and partner about that fact that LO is not to go to their house that I have actually not stayed in our house for a few nights now.

Also MIL thinks I spend too much time with my family! bear in mind I had a emergency c section and I couldn't drive for 6 weeks and she only bothered for the first week with us. Never once offered to get anything to bring up for me and LO or offered to take me anywhere! If it's not about her or her way she doesn't want to know!

My parents are hopeful that things will work out between myself and my partner whereas the first thing she has said is she will get a solicitor to get access for my partner to see my LO! I haven't stopped him from seeing LO by the way.

AIBU about not taking baby there, considering in my eyes she doesn't care about baby and also because of her skin? Am I overreacting? This has caused a massive rift between myself and my partner! I feel lost over something so silly xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Inapickle30 · 29/04/2018 08:23

Like I said in my previous post if she had come around the time I had invited her without her partner then it would of been water underneath the bridge and everything would of been fine. I didn't even get an acknowledgement of the text that I have sent and for the last 5-6 weeks she has not once messaged myself or my partner to see how LO one is. Honestly if you seen the abuse I had via text message and phone calls off her partner before not having him come to my home you would understand. I know someone has to give in but surely if she cared about my LO she would come and see her??

OP posts:
CocoaGin · 29/04/2018 08:23

Just imagine fast fowarding 25 years, and your LO is married to someone who won't come to your house and let you spend time around your grandchildren. That's how she's feeling right at this moment.

She's your DHs mother, she's a huge part of his life, and it's not fair to keep putting him in the crossfire. You don't have to like her, but you do need to tolerate her and act like an adult around her. This sounds so petty.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/04/2018 08:24

And his mother will be the reason this relationship he now has with you could ultimately fail as well.

Many people who thankfully come from emotionally healthy families never face these types of issues (and no you do not ever have to tolerate his stepfather either). You would not have tolerated any of this from a friend, family are no different. Your partner's own inertia when it comes to his mother and stepfather simply hurts him as well as you. He may never change and be the same when it comes to any woman he has a relationship with; mother will always interfere because he lets her do this as well. He allows her to walk all over him and seems completely unable and unwilling to stand up for his own self as a person here (does not want to upset mother). As a result you also cop the fallout from his mother's unreasonable behaviours. Its not your fault or your man's that she is like this; neither of you made her that way. His mother is not just simply holding a grudge here; this is about her wanting her own way and all the time.

You have made boundaries here re your child; stick to them and raise them as and when necessary. You should also very much care how she treats you because your child will go onto notice how her mother is being treated by her paternal nan. Your partner's mother and her now husband are two of the same kind; both are unreasonable.

Original poster
Inapickle30 · 29/04/2018 08:28

You've hit the nail right on the head there Attila.

I honestly have tried everything I can (some of you may not believe me but I honestly have) and I can be stubborn I am aware of this but I have my LO and my DP best interests at heart. She can treat me however she wants but not them two!

I will never be in this position with my LO because I will never treat her the way MIL has treated her son xx

OP posts:
GinUnicorn · 29/04/2018 08:29

Could you meet the pair of them for lunch somewhere in the middle? Appreciate they sound hard work but it might make a start in keeping things amicable.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/04/2018 08:30

I daresay his mother has hated every woman her son has dated and likely also thinks that she is and should remain the number 1 woman in his life. None of these women are good enough for her darling boy.
Her own now husband sounds awful as well; how can you at all have a relationship with someone who is rude and nasty, why should OP suck that up?. You yourself would not tolerate this from a friend, why should the OP have to just because they are family?. Are we this brain washed? Not all family members are emotionally healthy or nice to be around.

Her partner is very much a part of this overall dysfunctional dynamic; he is putting OP in the crossfire because he cannot and will likely never be able to assert himself as a person in his own right. His mother has caused him a great deal of emotional harm here and by putting her in the firing line too, he does not cop his mother's wrath.

Original poster
Inapickle30 · 29/04/2018 08:32

I've tried to make things amicable by inviting her over one afternoon last week (second time she has been invited over - her husband was away which I was unaware of) and it falls on deaf ears due to it not being on her terms. Before the arguments invited her over on 3 separate occasions and all were declined as she was going shopping or busy doing others things which could of been done at a later time eg gym. I appreciate her life doesn't revolve around mine but if she wanted things to work wouldn't she do somethings to help?xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Inapickle30 · 29/04/2018 08:35

I think your right Attila! Thing is she has other sons and does not treat them and their partners the way she treats us. It's because he won't stand up to her

OP posts:
LIZS · 29/04/2018 08:35

You can't meet on neutral ground, pub, tearoom, park if you feel her home is off limits? Sounds as if your dislike of your ils is deep-seated and dates from well before the baby arrived. I'm not clear what your p is expecting of you but you do seem to be going out of your way to makes things difficult. Is it really worth risking your family over?

Original poster
Inapickle30 · 29/04/2018 08:39

I'm happy for her to come to my home that's not an issue at all. Im really not making things difficult (sorry if it's coming across that way) it's just because things aren't her way that she is playing ball xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Inapickle30 · 29/04/2018 08:41

Like I said in my original post my parents were hopeful that things will work out with my partner as am I but MIL and her partner first thing they have mentioned is solicitors surely that's not someone who wants things to work out xx

OP posts:
LIZS · 29/04/2018 08:42

But aren't you being equally stubborn - my home, my terms or not at all. Confused

Blahdeblah123 · 29/04/2018 08:42

OP i agree about LO not going to mil home if it's going to aggregate her condition. But I do think you need to make some compromise on the partner and suck it up....unless you want your marriage over?

Could you request the cats go to a cattery for a weekend to allow you all to visit? My nephew is allergic to dogs and this is what our in laws did. Have to say go house wasn't that clean but we sucked it up. When they were babies i took a playpen, bouncing chair and all food, plates etc with us, along with disinfectant wipes to clean surfaces, and did it in the sly. Always just made the excuse that they liked there own stuff.

Once i got less panicy the i just let them get on with it and they were ok. Is you DD eczema aggrevated by car hair? If so, it's reasonable that they remove the cats for that period and try remove the hair.

LIZS · 29/04/2018 08:45

Who told you her first reaction was to go to a solicitor?

Original poster
Inapickle30 · 29/04/2018 08:46

Of course I don't want our relationship to be over that's the last thing that I want! They are not willing to do anything with the cats as it is their home which is fair enough . Having had eczema myself I know it can be triggered by animal fur xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Inapickle30 · 29/04/2018 08:48

My partner told me yesterday when we spoke xx

OP posts:
LIZS · 29/04/2018 08:50

Why did he feel the need to tell you? Especially if he has no intention of going down that route. Are you both young ?

Aridane · 29/04/2018 08:51

Your dislike of MIL is palpable

pigeondujour · 29/04/2018 08:54

Like I said in my previous post if she had come around the time I had invited her without her partner then it would of been water underneath the bridge and everything would of been fine.

Yeah for you, not for her. You can't expect to exclude an immediate relative's partner from stuff and for that relative to be okay with it. You can choose to do it, but you have to be realistic about the effect it's going to have on the situation, and that's your responsibility as well as hers.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 29/04/2018 08:59

It's all about you. My child, my house etc. I feel sorry for your partner, he seems very controlled and doesn't get a say.

I hope your own own DIL in the future doesn't treat you like you treat others and exclude you.

GreenItWas · 29/04/2018 09:00

I don't think you have been unreasonable OP. You have graciously offered her a visit to your home. It's not like you want to meet her in Starbucks but in your home! If she doesn't want to come what more can you do? You offered, she declined (because she can't bring her husband as back up to her weirdness.) Had her DH treated you with respect he would be welcome too but he hasn't and so he isn't.
I would stop worrying about it now and start enjoying life. Your DP sounds wet but carry on and hope things will sort themselves out but stop trying to sort it out yourself. Why would you? If you go quiet and a bit grey rock, DP might start to take charge a bit himself.

LavenderDoll · 29/04/2018 09:03

Let her husband come round.. you have no reason apart from dislike to ban him from your home
MIL is your partner's mum
Imagine how you would feel if your partner started banning members of your family or causing tension

sonjadog · 29/04/2018 09:03

It sounds like you want everything just the way you want it, with the excuse that it is for everyone's best to do exactly what you want. Relationships are about compromise. What does your partner want? Find some common ground in this situation where you both give a little, rather than it all being about you getting your way.

Original poster
Inapickle30 · 29/04/2018 09:03

We are not young and I find that very patronising. It is not all about me trust me if you knew half the things I have had to deal with since the birth of our LO including my partner calling me a c**t. I am thinking of our child at the end of the day and I don't care what others say I have been so reasonable with everyone if not more reasonable than others would be xx

OP posts:
swingofthings · 29/04/2018 09:05

You're the one who seem very controlling. This is about your baby, not you. Exzema is quite common in little babies, it doesn't mean that they will react to animal hair. Being there for an hour or so, bringing your own blanket so that your LO doesn't have to lay on the carpet or sofa will be fine.

It is hard to separate our feelings but this is about your child and his right to bond with his grand mother, not about you. I hated my step-mum when I grew up (dad's wife), really really hated her, but when my children were born, I ensure my children bonded with her as they did with my mum because the feud between her and I had nothing to do with them. They did and as such, she and I grew closer and I now consider her very much like a 2nd mum.

Relax and don't let such matters affect your relationship with your OH. Your baby will be fine.

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