MIL ruining relationship

[Inapickle30]

Hi all, having issues with my partner at the moment and looking for some advice. My LO is 12 weeks old and has eczema and really sensitive and dry skin. Having major issues with my partner due to me not wanting LO to go to MIL house due to her having cats and fur being all over sofas!

MIL hasn't bothered or seen LO since Mother's Day because she was unhappy that my mum had LO overnight for me and my partner to go out! It's got so bad with myself and partner about that fact that LO is not to go to their house that I have actually not stayed in our house for a few nights now.

Also MIL thinks I spend too much time with my family! bear in mind I had a emergency c section and I couldn't drive for 6 weeks and she only bothered for the first week with us. Never once offered to get anything to bring up for me and LO or offered to take me anywhere! If it's not about her or her way she doesn't want to know!

My parents are hopeful that things will work out between myself and my partner whereas the first thing she has said is she will get a solicitor to get access for my partner to see my LO! I haven't stopped him from seeing LO by the way.

AIBU about not taking baby there, considering in my eyes she doesn't care about baby and also because of her skin? Am I overreacting? This has caused a massive rift between myself and my partner! I feel lost over something so silly xx

Look, if OP doesn't want her baby in that house - that's ok! If OP feels unable to have her child around a certain person then that's ok too! She is the child's Mother and obviously feels strongly about this. OP did not come on here to be made to justify her reasons!!!!

Tell your MIL in no uncertain terms that she is welcome to see your child without her partner. If she chooses not to, then that's her decision and her loss! X

Thank you for your support which is what I was looking for not abuse and having to justify my reasoning xx

If we are only there an hour that is wrong too. We literally can't win xx

That's the thing I'm not making things difficult! I'm the type of person that doesn't hold grudges but when it comes to my LO I want what is best for her. If MIL had come around when I had invited her without her partner I can guarantee you things would of been back to normal straight away x

Of course you are being difficult! You have put so many barriers in place, it's not surprising that she didn't come round - you can't block going to her house AND put restrictions on coming to your house, and still think you are being reasonable. Her husband spoke to you patronisingly when you first met him so you won't allow him into your house and yet you don't hold a grudge.

And you are a little naive to think that if she'd just followed your instructions things would be back to normal, for you maybe but I bet she would have resented the hell out of you for it

Of course, you are right to be concerned about state of the house and cats. Your LO is only 12 weeks and has health condition which could be easily triggered by dust, cat fur.
I never heard that if you took a baby to one GPs , you should automatically took him to another GPs for the same length of time. Why should you? You offered your MIL to come, she refused, that's it. you have small baby , it's stressful time for you, you don't want any additional drama. Just leave it and concentrated on your family.
I suspect that your MIL doesn't understand that things are not going to be on her terms , it's your child and you and your DH will decide where your child go, what will do, eat , etc.
I also notice from experience that some people don't understand things like ecsema and allergies and don't consider them seriously enough. It's a big red flag for me is that your MIL ( and partly your DH) are so relaxed about this. It would seriously affect my trust.
By the way why your MIL said she needs her DP to come to you with her?

I've been there OP. I had to put a stop to my baby going to her paternal grandparents house as it's beyond filthy and almost derelict. I too came on Mumsnet and so got put in front of the MN Jury! Had to 'justify' why their house wasn't safe! It was awful. (If only I'd had photographs of the roof starting to cave in, the horrific mound and the cockroaches crawling around...) But anyway! You do what you know to be right for your own child. Xx

Op

If your child already had eczema and never been to the house I think it’s unrealistic to say that the cats will make it worse.

You said her house was a state too - I’m sure she knows you just aren’t keen on her house. That would deeply offend anybody

You are saying she is welcome to your home? By the sounds of it the atmosphere would be dreadful.

Going to war with the in laws is one of the most stressful things. It never ends well and creates havoc on a marriage.

In your shoes I would let your partner take the baby to his mum - they can maybe meet at a brothers or something?

I know you say she isn’t interested in the baby but she’s never had the chance to get to know baby or bond.

You can’t expect everybody to live their life to your standards. If this woman doesn’t pose a risk of danger to your child then I’m afraid I think you are being a tad harsh.

It’s time to accept her but also accept that if you want her to have a bond an hour every few weeks just isn’t going to cut it.

If you keep resisting this woman your relationship may well be the price you have to pay. So I would compromise

It was not the first time I have met him at all. We have had issues since end of November when asked BIL to move out due to us needing the room for babies nursery who was due in January. I don't think I should have to be made to feel uncomfortable in my own home xx

The thing is that you don't actually know that the fur will make the skin worse even though it is likely. My advise would be to go to the doctor /HV for a medical opinion. When they say that it is not a good idea go tell your DP. You're priority should be latching things up with him for your daughter's sake. You may have to accept your MIL's husband coming for your husband's sake. I know that it is unpalatable but that is what you get for choosing a weak man. It would seem that the only one who wants to make it work is you so the onus is on you. God luck.

She has been to her house a good few times (bear in mind I have only been able to drive the last 6 weeks) and babies stuff has had cats hair on which I am not willing to put up with and don't see why I should! I can't believe I have to justify all of this no wonder lots of people slate Mumsnet!

Thank you to all those who have supported me and understood that I'm doing it in the best interest of my child's skin xx

No I don't know for definite but being brought up with eczema and having relatives who have children that have eczema and animals and their skin is terrible I'm pretty sure it could be connected in some way and I am not willing to take the risk with my LO xx

You can’t slate mumsnet because some people have pointed out that you are not being entirely reasonable in this. Mumsnet is great for support, but support doesn’t mean that people need to unquestioningly agree with you.

Ecsema shows that LO has weak immune system. Cat fur is known trigger for this sort of things. I don't think loving grandma will want experimenting how worse her grandchild will be after staying in her house.
About state of the house. Yes, some people don't clean their house properly, it doesn't matter for them and it's ok, but it's does matter for other people especially for small babies with health issues.

I think the idea of having a family meal at yours is the best idea
Invite them from x time until x time
Get your p on board with being strict with them leaving on time

Your baby is first in all this. If mil gets stroppy and won’t come that’s her problem

I have read some great threads on here and got lots of good advice when I was pregnant but have also seen lots of people getting questioned on things they have posted for no reason. I didn't say it because people haven't said what I want to say but some people are very quick to question the OP rather than just read and go xx

What your partner wants doesn't get a look in, does it? It´s all about you and what you want and what you are going to allow. Funny how exactly what you want is what is best for everyone.

It sounds like a difficult relationship for your partner to be in.

Of course he gets a look in but he's not doing what is best for LO he is trying to please his mum rather than thinking of LO x

I think people are being uneccesarily harsh on you, OP. This is the relationships board, not AIBU!

Everyone is saying you “want it your own way” - well yes, as mother to a tiny baby you are totally justified in wanting it your own way.

You have said that MIL’s partner has been rude and abusive to you on several occasions, which has been ignored by most of the posters.

You have a right to say who you do and don’t want around your own child. Given the DP has treated you horribly, you are entirely justified in saying you don’t want him around your baby. If he was a friend or neighbour no one would expect you to tolerate him.

Not wanting your baby to go to mil’s house when she has a skin condition that is aggravated by cat hair is totally justified. You say you have invited your mil to yours on several occasions and she has said no. The ball is firmly in her court, you should not be bending over backwards to accommodate her.

I’m sorry you are getting such a hard time

My LO is 12 weeks old and has eczema and really sensitive and dry skin.

MIL hasn't bothered or seen LO since Mother's Day because she was unhappy that my mum had LO overnight for me and my partner to go out!

Mother’s Day was 7 weeks ago. I’m afraid I’d be a bit about such a young baby being left elsewhere overnight.

I feel sorry for your partner
It's all on your terms and what you will allow
The woman you blatantly dislike is his mum. She brought him up she loves him and she must have done a good job because you decided to have a baby with him and have him as a life partner
And if you do break up you won't be able to control his every moment with the baby and who can visit baby and when

Thank you for the support Aaron! Titty My LO was left with my parents at 6 weeks old for my partner and myself to go for a birthday meal for him due to us having had a difficult first few weeks. Please don't question or judge me for leaving my LO with my parents for literally less than 12 hours xx

Lavender you clearly haven't read the whole thread - as I have said myself and partner have had difficult times since birth of LO and I have to put with some horrible situations and being called several different names to being called a bitch to a c**t.

inapickle I hope your ok.

You don’t have to take baby to her house if you feel the cats hair will irritate your baby’s skin. I actually agree with you.

Try to split the situation in to boxes. Your relationship with partner and your relationship with mil.

Reach out to your partner and offer a white flag so you can chat and spend a bit of time with each other with out talking about mil ( both of you agree on this ) then both spend some quality time with each other and baby.

When you do feel you can talk to him about her with out getting upset, stay calm and try not attack his mum (as he will have years of her bullying and see it as normal) just speak about how you feel and how it’s impacting your mental health and how you feel it’s effecting your relationship. How ever you need to gentle but firm you need to be heard and that your opinion does matter - hugely. Your an adult you can pick and choose who you want to be around.

I went NC with mil. But I didn’t expect dh too. I was quite happy with her being banned from our house. I had my safe space back. I also ask dh not to pass any messages on or any negative remarks. I also blocked her in social media.

I think regarding your relationship with mil, a line has been drawn and you need to assert your own confidence and show her that as an adult woman she can’t bully you. Otherwise expect this to go on years.

She has NO parental rights over your baby so you don’t have to pander to her demands. For now I’d just go NC till you get your self right again.

If your partner would really like his mum to see your baby it has to be at a point you are happy with.

He could go for a coffee with her and baby
He could go for a walk with her and baby

Offer a alternative but I would have that visit in your home.

Try and not leave the home unless he become absusive you have to dig deep and protect you and your relationship with your little family

Inbox me if you like as I’ve been there

If he is abusive maybe you are better off without him. In which case mil may be spot on with her advice.

I have read the whole thread
You dropped in being called a cunt by your partner half way through when the replies weren't going your way.
If your partner calls you a cunt then he is causing problems not your MIL which is what your thread title suggests