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Original poster

Estranged from Children

161 replies

Farnhammum11 · 28/04/2018 22:31

I am feeling utterly bereft and need advice. Let me explain...

My daughter and I fell out several years ago over something really silly. She initially went to live with her paternal grandmother (who never liked me) and then with her father and his new wife. Despite my pleas she refused to come back home and it really broke my heart. Attempts to reconcile over the years, with the help of her brother, who is three years younger, never lasted. She really didn't want to have anything to do with me and would say "the time is not right". My friends and family would say that when she has children of her own she would get back in touch. So I clung to this like a drowning man clings to a life raft, despite my reservations that she may never have children because she had became anorexic when she went to live with her father and his wife.

In September 2012 her brother, who had been living overseas returned to the UK on a short business trip and he arranged for us to meet up with my daughter and her new partner for lunch. The lunch went well and at the end of it we exchanged telephone numbers and I really hoped that we could at last start to build bridges. She was, after all, 31 by this time. We exchanged text messages, despite the fact that it would take days for her to respond to my texts and my calls went unanswered. But I was patient. She was too busy to meet up before Christmas that year so we met after Christmas and exchanged gifts. We continued to text but it was taking her longer and longer to respond. She was also too busy to meet up for coffee/lunch. Then in August 2013 I received a text from her saying that she was getting married in October 2013 and that I was not being invited to the wedding as it was going to be a private affair with a handful of close friends. I felt extremely hurt. I know she has a right to invite who ever she wants to her wedding but it felt so callous to be told in that way. I felt as if I was being rejected by her all over again! I text her back and said she had really hurt me again and that I could not take it any more and said I would leave her alone to get on with her life.

However, although I said that I would leave my daughter alone I continued to seek updates on her life from my son who had remained in contact with her. My son and I have always been close and I thanked God that at least he had not turned his back on me. However, in August 2016, in a telephone conversation with my son he told me that my daughter had had a son who was nearly 12 months old. I couldn't believe what I was hearing at first and asked him to repeat it. Then it dawned on me that my son had kept this from me the whole time. All the video and telephone calls we had had and not once had he mentioned that she was pregnant or that she had given birth to a baby who was now nearly one. I asked him why he had not told me and he said that she had asked him not to tell me. I said but "I'm your mother, don't you think I would have liked to have known that my daughter had become a mother and that I had become a grandmother?" He messaged me a photograph of the baby and I was really grateful. I cried. I said I still couldn't believe that he had withheld this from me. This was such a significant event. My daughter had had a child. And suddenly I realised that if she hadn't reached out to me when she was pregnant and following the birth of her baby who was now nearly one, she never would! I became virtually hysterical at this point and demanded to know why he hadn't told me. I felt that he had betrayed me too. He said that she had told him that she would never speak to him again if he told me. I said but I'm your mother. His next words drove a steak through my heart "Do not make me choose between you and her!" He never sent me another photograph of the baby. And although I continue to ask how she is in every conversation I have with him he never tells me anything. Then four months ago he inadvertently told me that she was expecting another baby. I asked a million questions but his stock reply was "I don't know".

I went to stay with my son recently and we have spoken many times since my return but he let slip today that my daughter had given birth several weeks ago. I asked why he had not told me sooner. He said you know why! I again said "But I'm your mother. She is not going to know. I have no contact with her". I then asked him whether it was a boy or a girl. He hesitated and said "I think it's a girl. But I'm not discussing it any further". I am truly heart broken! I just can't believe that my son would not share this wonderful news with me even if I will never be able to see any of my grandchildren. I felt so hurt that I ended the telephone call. I feel really betrayed by my son and I feel that he has made his choice and chosen his sister. Am I wrong?

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 28/04/2018 22:36

Can you not see that you are risking your son also going no contact if you continue to emotionally blackmail him in this way? Shock

CherryBlossomSeason · 28/04/2018 22:38

I understand you are heartbroken .I can't imagine having to live like this. But because you can't keep your cool you'll end up not being told anything and son will distance himself

lizzie1970a · 28/04/2018 22:40

How heartbreaking for you. He hasn't chosen his sister but he doesn't want to be in the middle.

Did you ever get to the bottom of the argument? Why she took it so badly and has carried this on? Were apologies ever made?

How sad. I can't imagine how this makes you feel. She does sound extremely stubborn. What happens when you DS gets married. Is she going to blank you. Surely she's rather have you in her children's lives even if it is in a small way.

All I would say is to perhaps ask your DS just to tell you the details of their births so you're not cut out completely but that you won't pump him for information. Did you send her a present for the baby? Perhaps it will all have to come from you. Very hard situation. Pride will be stopping her getting in touch now.

Happygolucky009 · 28/04/2018 22:43

Oh my, you need to back off right away.

You had a very difficult relationship with your daughter but ultimately you turned your back on her. Please don't expect your son to provide information as you are putting him in a very difficult position.

You need to either make steps to reconcile with your daughter or accept that you are not part of her life and accept that you do not have the right to access or information

MadMags · 28/04/2018 22:44

why did you fall out?

Longislandicetee · 28/04/2018 22:46

You might describe the fallout as it being over something silly, but clearly it's not silly to her.

And sorry to be blunt but the way you're carrying on with your son means you're well on the way to losing him too. Back right off and stop putting him under pressure.

dirtybadger · 28/04/2018 22:46

You need to stop making your son choose. Because thats on you. Your daughter has a right to privacy, as an adult. You are risking your relationship with your son, and the relationship between the siblings (and his neices/nephews) by pressing him on it.

Lucked · 28/04/2018 22:48

Given how rocky your relationship was with your daughter you handled the wedding situation badly and it looks like that there is no going back from it.

Your children are adults living their own lives and you need to respect them. Please stop playing the ‘but I am your mother card’ on your son. I think you are emotionally tearing him apart. How much can he take? Would he find life easier and be scolded less if he limited contact with you? You need to prioritise you relationship with your son.

SusieSusieSoo · 28/04/2018 22:56

I don't know what happened in the past with your dd but I did all the "not having time" too busy with work and taking a long time to reply to texts etc to my df because for my own sanity I needed distance between us. Whilst you may not think it was a big issue clearly your dd really did.

I agree with other pp's that if you push your ds for information you risk losing contact with him. You are making him choose and it is really unfair. Do you also realise that you are probably going to lose him if you don't stop? Just accept the relationship you have with him & leave him alone about your dd.

I appreciate this seems very harsh but he's telling you what you need to do. How awful for him to never ever be able to properly relax when he's speaking to you because of the sister issue.

TemptressofWaikiki · 28/04/2018 23:04

OP, it sounds sad BUT we have had threads upon threads by daughters who made the painful decision to go NC with their mothers. I just do not believe that you fell out over something ‘silly’. The very fact that you described it as such makes me wonder if I’m literally looking at the other coin of all of those parents featuring in the ‘Stately Home’ thread. Your behaviour towards your son further reinforces that you are THAT parent. The one who minimises, emotionally blackmails and is completely unaware of her own behaviour. I would bet that your daughter could tell her own story on the ‘Stately Home’ thread.

Cricrichan · 28/04/2018 23:12

A child does not go nc with a parent over one argument.

Cornishclio · 28/04/2018 23:14

I think you are forcing your son to choose between you and being a bit emotionally manipulative by playing the mother card. You may risk losing him too so I think the best thing you can do is back off and stop asking him. You don't say what the fall out was about but obviously your daughter harbours some deep resentment so I am not sure it can be that silly.

offside · 28/04/2018 23:16

My mother has often used the ‘but I’m your mother’ card. I’m sorry OP, but being their mother doesn’t give you any more right to anything than anyone else, especially if your DD has asked your DS not to discuss her PRIVATE life with you, that, she has very right to do.

The way you have described your interactions with your DS, seems to be shining a light on why your DD has no contact with you.

Battleax · 28/04/2018 23:18

You need to listen to what your son is telling you about how hard it is to be in the middle of this rift.

Emotionally blackmailing him and becoming hysterical are both really ideas.

What was the original estrangement from your DD about?

Battleax · 28/04/2018 23:18

Really BAD ideas.

notanurse2017 · 28/04/2018 23:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadMags · 28/04/2018 23:22

You’re being ridiculous, dramatic, and grossly unfair to your son.

There is a hell of a lot more to this, I’m sure.

Nanny0gg · 28/04/2018 23:22

Do you want to lose your son too? Because you're going the right way about it.

Gemini69 · 28/04/2018 23:28

Something very painful happened here..... sadly OP you undermine what happened when your daughter left home... you call it something silly... but it's been so hurtful that it evidently affected her to the point where she excludes you from her entire life.. that boat has sailed ...

You now run the risk of losing your Son .... by firstly asking for information about your Daughter... and now blaming him for withholding that information... Your Son is stuck between a rock and a hard place.. Damned if he does Damned if he doesn't ...

Cherish what you have with your Son.... and treasure what you do hear about your estranged Daughter and Grandchildren...

Don't lose your Son over this Flowers

TrippingTheVelvet · 28/04/2018 23:32

Oh God. You sound like my mother. Except after years of putting up with her abuse, I've only recently went full no contact with her BECAUSE I am hoping to start a family and am adamant she'll not have a chance to poison my kids against me. Like she has the rest of my family. She's a full on diagnosed personality disorder though so it's probably unfair of me to project. But seriously, don't put your son in the middle of this.

CaledonianQueen · 28/04/2018 23:42

I have to say that from your post, you come across as a very difficult woman! You have not at any point recognised the fact that you are in any way to blame for this situation. My dh and I are nc with my inlaws and it was absolutely not an easy decision. Your ds is telling you that you are pushing his boundaries! His devotion to his sister and decision to withhold information on your gc from you, makes me think that he sympathises with his sister and that you may be a toxic parent. He is warning you that is you push him to choose he will pick his sister. I would have a very long hard think about your parenting, your relationship with your children and just how healthy it was/ is. I am afraid if you are looking for sympathisers who will not question your motives, you are on the wrong site- gransnet may be more appropriate for you.

PrizeOik · 28/04/2018 23:45

Good Lord op. You do know your children owe you nothing at all? They didn't ask to be born. Your son did not ask for a mother and sister who don't speak. How can you try to blackmail him like this and acr surprised when he takes exception to it?

If you're usually this obtuse and entitled, then it's not hugely surprising that you have poor relationships with your children in general.

Your poor son, Jesus Christ woman. Get counselling, don't dump this on your son who must be at the end of his tether with you.

I find it interesting how light on details you are about just why you and your DD fell out

TemptressofWaikiki · 28/04/2018 23:46

There is something that just sounds so familiar and reminds me of so many women who described their narcissistic mothers’ emotional abuse and how their mothers would see themselves as the wronged party. It just does not ring true that is was all over a silly argument, since living with you was so untenable that she never returned and lived with a grand parent and your ex instead. In the majority of the cases, children really do not give up on their parents at a young age. I suspect there is a massive back story to this. All you speak about is you, your hurt, your feelings, your needs, it’s all me, me, me but I’m the mother… Your daughter has the right to autonomy and is not an extension of yourself. You harangued her and pushed her when she obviously wasn’t ready and then when she did not give in to your demands on your terms, you banished her. Well, you really have no right to any information about her life. It cuts both ways. I feel so sorry for your son!

gluteustothemaximus · 28/04/2018 23:53

‘But I’m your mother’ - means what exactly? Rights over your children who are actually adults?

I didn’t tell my mother about my third child. She keeps trying to extract information from my brothers. I don’t want her to know. Or I would have told her myself.

And my mother goes around saying we had a silly argument too.

naebotherpal · 28/04/2018 23:55

I know this will sound cruel, and I don’t mean it to, but you have an ex husband, an ex MIL who has never liked you, an estranged daughter, and now an extremely difficult relationship with your son.

Can you see where I’m coming from? What has been your part in all of these relationship breakdowns?