Really struggling with autistic husband- can anybody help?

[yorkshireyummymummy]

He was diagnosed three years ago and somehow he seems to have become more autistic since the diagnosis. He blames the autism for his bad behaviour. However it’s generally ME he blames for everything.
We had had an argument last night over something ridiculous ( as always). He ramps them up very quickly and then refuses to eat. He says it’s to stop him getting an ulcer but to me it always feels like he is punishing me by refusing to eat the food I have cooked. He came to bed at midnight and woke me up by putting my spare pillow on my chest/stomach. I half woke up , confused and not with it, and asked what was this ( meaning pillow) and why was it there? He interpreted this as me having a go at him and so got dressed, and refused to come to bed. He woke me up @ 9am telling me it was his turn for the bed as he had been awake all night, freezing cold because he had no dinner and it was all my fault. His latest thing is that he is incapable of getting himself any food. There was a portion of chilli and rice ready to microwave, homemade pie, and cooked sausages so plenty of choice. But he is seemingly incapable of putting anything into the microwave and pressing a button. So he ate crisps and chocolate.
The whole weekend will be ruined by his mood . And it will ALL BE MY FAULT.
H3 threatens suicide often and although I love him very much and I’m very aware of my marriage vows I feel trapped.
I know without me he will end up a complete recluse who forgets to wash, eat properly and won’t see anybody as he won5 leave the house. So I have no option but to stay.
He is about to start done psychological treatment that he was reccomended after his diagnosis. It’s tsken me nearly three years to get the funding agreed for it.
I have no support network. My mother would tell me to leave h8m so I don’t confide in her.
Because he doesn’t like going out or social situations my social life ( which was huge) has shrunk to zero. I have two friends who both live abroad. His family all live 300 miles away and are too busy wrapped up in their own lives to bother how we are.
To cap it all off our ten yr old child is currently being assessed for autism too. Eighteen month wait fir an appointment though so it will be a while until it’s official. But I know my DC is autistic. Too many things I see which can’t be learned behaviour.
So I have an autistic husband, possible autistic child, no friends, no social life , no support network. I feel like running away.
I’m demented. Totally and utterly.
Is there anybody with an autistic husband who can give me some advice or tips on how you cope?

Just because he's autistic doesn't mean he's not a dick.
He's being pretty abusive I think

I say this as an aspie who has 3 autistic kids

So I have no option but to stay

Not true, just because he has a disability doesn't mean you have to stay and put up with being treated like shit. He's verbally abusing you and isolating you from friends. Your mum might have a point if she tells you to leave, I'd tell my DD the same.

He's using it as an excuse, and he sounds like a dick.

If your 10yo is autistic, growing up around his father using his ASD as an excuse for this behaviour won't do your son any favours at all.

I'm autistic. Recently diagnosed and yes, it is hard, but it's not an excuse to behave like this at all.

"I know without me he will end up a complete recluse who forgets to wash, eat properly and won’t see anybody as he wont leave the house. So I have no option but to stay"

He is not your responsibility here, you are simply thinking that it is and that there is no way out. Your son is your main responsibility here as well as you and he growing up around such a man like his dad won't do him any favours either. You cannot rescue and or save your H; he does this also to you because he can. Are you really in hock to your marriage vows; presumably he made the same towards you and has trampled completely over them.

His autism diagnosis is completely separate to his overall abuses of you; is this really what you want to teach your son about relationships?. That yes, this is how men treat women. You're showing him that currently at least, his abuses of you are still acceptable to you. He is verbally abusive to you and has isolated you from your friends as well as threatening to commit suicide; this is all out of the abusers handbook and all used to keep their chosen target trapped.

my only option is to stay

I know its hard, op, but actually your only option is to leave. Your husband is cruel and controlling - this has nothing to do with his autism and everything to do with the fact he is abusive. Your marriage vows don't include putting up with this.

I know that leaving seems daunting and final, so you tell yourself it is impossible, but that is just because you're scared. As an exercise, think seriously about the steps you would take if you were brave enough to leave. If I had a magic wand and could make it a year into the future, what would you want that to look like?

This sounds very difficult.

I think there are quite different sets of issues around caring for an autistic son, and caring for an autistic spouse. Your relationship with your husband: All the usual complications that can go on in intimate relationships, also go on in relationships with autistic people. It can often be far more raw and difficult for several reasons.

-The autistic person is usually less equipped to cope with the emotional rollercoaster of interpersonal relations than neurotypical people; autistic people often have not learned good coping mechanisms because they haven't had anyone around who understood them and could help with that;
-autism is just difficult to get your head around. Not the autistic person's fault of course, which then makes it all even more upsetting and difficult;
-for the neurotypical partner, it's as you have demonstrated, hard to know what you can expect in terms of having your own emotional needs met.

What about some kind of couple counselling with someone who has a good understanding of autism?

Since I was diagnosed I act more autistic. It's because I don't feel I have to hide or mask any more, why should I? I can finally be true to myself.

I can't eat after arguments either. That's not unusual. The rest of it well if that's who he is it's up to you what you are prepared to live with. If you don't want to live with it end the marriage, nobody is trapping you or forcing you to stay.

Also I can understand he doesn't want to socialise, I rarely do either but there's nothing stopping you going out and socialising without him is there?

As the others have said, first of all you (and he) need to realise you can leave.
He needs to take some responsibility for himself- I'm sure you'd be very supportive of any attempts he makes, but he needs to do it.
I'm not sure couples counselling is what you need- this is primarily his problem.

My DH is almost certainly autistic, though undiagnosed. He has become easier to live with since he realised, because he can recognise his behaviours now in a way that he didn't used to. At the same time, he is more accepting of his own foibles, so perhaps less likely to mask them.

What are your living arrangements like, does he work? Do you? Do you have a spare room?

He's autistic.

He's abusive.

These are two separate things. Having autism does not excuse the abuse. For both your child and yourself you need to leave.

There was a long thread at the end of last year that may be of interest.
I think my DP may have Aspergerswww.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3051154-I-think-my-DP-may-have-Aspergers

I second what the above users said.

He seems to take is autism as a get out of everything card (chores, manners, etc.)

My DS tried to pull that when he read up on his diagnosis - but he's a teenager and supposed to try this. He snapped out of it very quickly.

Thank you everybody for replying.
I still feel that I cannot leave. My child will never forgive me if my husband commits suicide. My guilt would be unbearable. So i do feel that I have to stay. Also, take into consideration that he isn’t always like this and we do actually love each other very much.
Our relationship reminds me of the old nursery rhyme
“ there was a little girl
Who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead
When s(he) was good she was very very good
And when she was bad, she was horrid

When it’s good, it’s lovely. When it’s bad it’s dreadful. I’m actually laughing ironically at the posters who have said he is abusive-this example I have given is NOTHING compared to other stuff. I have told him he is abusive and a bully but he simply turns it into me being the bully. It feels like I have another child a lot of the time and I feel slightly cheated- I got married wanting a proper marriage and relationship. I don’t really want to have a solo social life- I had that for 15 years, I wanted a husband to do couple things with.

I would just like some tips from other people married to autistic partners on how to cope.
Telling me to leave just makes me feel worse. I am torn between my husband and my child and although my child trumps husband on nearly everything I don’t think she will ever forgive me if her dad kills himself because I left him. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. We can’t afford another house for him to live in. He can’t live in a town or city because he can’t cope with the people or incessant noise.
I just feel like , apart from my child, my whole life will end up being wasted.

He wouldn’t kill his elderly because you left

They always threaten this. And It’s just that - a threat. Because he knows it will keep you in line. It’s working a great. Isn’t it.

If he did kill himself it would be because he had a serious mental illness (not the ASD, but whatever it is that is causing him to be suicidal)

And the good times, they are part of it. No one would stay it is was always awful. Google cycle of abuse and nice/nasty cycle.

Elderly.??

Ffs self

As long as he knows you are there picking up the pieces, he won't take responsibility for himself. I'm not saying 'leave', but do make clear that you can and will stop sorting out his mess.

The thing I find hardest is always having to spell out exactly what I want from him. Also, he finds a lot of things stressful which means I end up protecting him from those things.

I think you need to read up some of the people's stories on mumsnet where they have been in abusive relationships.

Your child will grow up with you both as role models. Is this what you want her to see and think it's acceptable behaviour?

My child has been so much better than I expected after I split with my abusive ex. She is much happier and more settled. The split has been better for my ex too. He has had help and improved.

Part of the reason I stayed was for her sake, he threatened suicide and I was scared of being on my own - but I was wrong.

Just because he's autistic doesn't mean he's not a dick

Your mental health and well being is as important as his. There's a difference between making allowances and being treated like shit.

Your child is your priority. It sounds like you would be a much better parent on your own, where you will be able to focus on your and your child’s needs.

Your husband is an adult and responsible for his own actions. By giving into his demands, you are condoning his unreasonable behavior.

This site is a wealth of information. There's also a forum, which is brilliant and very supportive. They talk about the difference between arse DHs and ASD DHs, which is highly illuminating.

www.different-together.co.uk

Emotional Blackmail by Susan Howard would be a useful read if you are determined to stay. If he doesn't eat why do you care. Just ignore his petty pouts and get on with your own life Threatening to commit suicide is a big emotional threat so try and ignore that. And it wont be your fault if he does. Try and do things for yourself. Join a support group or a book club or anything to build your own life. If you stay you must get tougher ..ignoring him. Say whatever you want to do yourself re food.

OP, why would you tolerate ANY of that?

Your husband is extremely abusive and, regardless of the reasons for his behaviour, you can absolutely choose to leave him. He is who he is - he certainly doesn't have to socialise etc, but when he spends his life using you as an emotional punchbag, you would be foolish to stay.

BishopBrennansArse

What a pig ignorant remark.

I still feel that I cannot leave. My child will never forgive me if my husband commits suicide. My guilt would be unbearable

You are thinking about this all wrong. Please understand, your current viewpoint is not a good way to look at your situation at all.

You cannot make someone commit suicide, if you make someone die, it's murder. You cannot have murdered someone who has committed suicide.

You cannot be responsible if he commits suicide, committing suicide is entirely his choice and whatever you do, the decision to do it remains his alone. It's his choice.

He is emotionally blackmailing you to the point you cannot think straight.Emotional blackmail is not an autistic behavior, nor is coercive control, they are both abusive behaviour.

Please do some reading, firstly about autistic behaviour and very importantly about abusive behaviour. It will help you immensely if you can understand the difference between the two.

And it will ALL BE MY FAULT.

No, no, a thousand times NO! It really will not be your fault. If he chooses - and he really does have the choice - not to microwave lovely homemade food for himself but to eat crisps and stay in another room and get cold, then it's HIS CHOICE to do that.

By doing those things, he is choosing to make himself miserable, there is no way on this planet that his poor choices are somehow your fault.

You are not stuck between a rock and a hard place, you have options, only you are so abused and downtrodden you have a skewed view of your circumstances and cannot see there are different choices that you can make for yourself and your daughter.

I hope you can see through his abusive behaviour and find some solutions which suit you. I reiterate, autism and abuse are very different.