Really struggling with autistic husband- can anybody help?

[yorkshireyummymummy]

He was diagnosed three years ago and somehow he seems to have become more autistic since the diagnosis. He blames the autism for his bad behaviour. However it’s generally ME he blames for everything.
We had had an argument last night over something ridiculous ( as always). He ramps them up very quickly and then refuses to eat. He says it’s to stop him getting an ulcer but to me it always feels like he is punishing me by refusing to eat the food I have cooked. He came to bed at midnight and woke me up by putting my spare pillow on my chest/stomach. I half woke up , confused and not with it, and asked what was this ( meaning pillow) and why was it there? He interpreted this as me having a go at him and so got dressed, and refused to come to bed. He woke me up @ 9am telling me it was his turn for the bed as he had been awake all night, freezing cold because he had no dinner and it was all my fault. His latest thing is that he is incapable of getting himself any food. There was a portion of chilli and rice ready to microwave, homemade pie, and cooked sausages so plenty of choice. But he is seemingly incapable of putting anything into the microwave and pressing a button. So he ate crisps and chocolate.
The whole weekend will be ruined by his mood . And it will ALL BE MY FAULT.
H3 threatens suicide often and although I love him very much and I’m very aware of my marriage vows I feel trapped.
I know without me he will end up a complete recluse who forgets to wash, eat properly and won’t see anybody as he won5 leave the house. So I have no option but to stay.
He is about to start done psychological treatment that he was reccomended after his diagnosis. It’s tsken me nearly three years to get the funding agreed for it.
I have no support network. My mother would tell me to leave h8m so I don’t confide in her.
Because he doesn’t like going out or social situations my social life ( which was huge) has shrunk to zero. I have two friends who both live abroad. His family all live 300 miles away and are too busy wrapped up in their own lives to bother how we are.
To cap it all off our ten yr old child is currently being assessed for autism too. Eighteen month wait fir an appointment though so it will be a while until it’s official. But I know my DC is autistic. Too many things I see which can’t be learned behaviour.
So I have an autistic husband, possible autistic child, no friends, no social life , no support network. I feel like running away.
I’m demented. Totally and utterly.
Is there anybody with an autistic husband who can give me some advice or tips on how you cope?

It's common because of three people?

Apologies in advance if this sounds harsh; it's not written that way, but it might come across that way, I'm not sure.

"I need to find out if it is a trait of autistic people to be abusive and how to make them see that their behaviour is."

It isn't. It really isn't.

There are ways in which the two things can be linked, just like struggles or inabilities or differences allistic people have can be linked to them being abusive, when they are.

And one of the most frightening autistic people I've known was that way in part because they were high in empathy but couldn't handle feeling other people's feelings and lashed out.

Empathy isn't a magic bullet.

It helps as a shortcut, but you can lack it completely and still be a good person if you put your mind to it, especially if you have a strong sense of justice or are good at figuring out cause and effect. You can have lots of it and be a terrible person, or very little and a wonderful one; it depends on the choices you make.

And as I've mentioned that, I must also state for the record that the people who've been most sensitive, considerate, kind, selfless and supportive to me have also been autistic.

I'm sorry, because I know you're in a really tough place mentally, at the moment. But if he cared, he'd be taking the initiative to look for a solution to this situation himself. Whether by changing his behaviour or leaving you. If unsolvable issues of mine were causing someone else that much pain, I would end the relationship for the sake of them and our child. Whether the issues were an inherent part of a disability I had or not.

It sounds like you don't want to go down this route right now, but there's probably no harm in saying that I recommend you look into codependency and/or the overfunctioning/underfunctioning relationship dynamic.

I don't say that to blame you for ending up at this point, I just think such concepts, and relevant advice, might be of more practical use to you than treating his behaviour as an autistic trait is likely to be.

whitehandledkitchenknife
Thank you. Thank you so much for that.

MNHQ
Thank you for your support.

Blanktimes
In my distress ( at the time I was writing ) I didn’t express myself properly. I should have said that autistic people seem to lack empathy as they find it very hard to imagine themselves in somebody else’s shoes. But they do still use empathy quotient tests in the diagnosis of adults with autism ( I don’t know about children, we haven’t got that far yet due to the very long waiting lists) which must mean some correlation between empathy and autism.

segmentationfault
I can only go on what I know. I haven’t yet had time to do a proper survey with more people. Please don’t start picking at comments I make. I came on here to ask for help- well I actually said advice and tips -and if you can’t say anything helpful then why comment? You can I assume tell by my posts that I am struggling so please, don’t be sarcastic. There’s just no need for it. Theres plenty of other threads that will appreciate sarcastic one liners.

First off yorkshire I’m very sorry about your baby . You grieve in whatever way you need to.

The concept of those of us with autism lacking empathy is outdated and definitely untrue in my case. I’m a nurse! I’d be pretty crap at my job if I lacked empathy! The thing to remember about autism is that it is a spectrum and just because it’s true of one person with autism doesn’t mean it’s true of everyone. As they say - if you’ve met one person with autism, you’ve met one person with autism!

I think the problem with him having a diagnosis is that it’s easy for him to blame his behaviour either on the autism or on you? It doesn’t sound like he ever takes responsibility for his actions. You say it can be great sometimes but when it’s bad, it’s really bad? To quote a MN phrase, ‘a cup of tea with 10% shit stirred in still tastes like shit’. There are abusive people. Some are autistic, many are NT. I suspect is harder to walk away from someone with autism because they seem vulnerable, you imagine they’d fall apart. As pp on this thread have shown, yes, some do, but equally others move on very quickly.

I think you need to start thinking about what will make you happy. It sounds like you’re hoping he will change, that seeking him will make him see the error of his ways? But it doesn’t really sound like he has any reason or incentive to change. What are you going to do if this is it?

I managed to leave my abusive and 'autistic' Ex husband, but it was very difficult.

I only managed it when his behaviour towards the children worsened. His sense of entitlement that if he was angry over something he could take it out on the rest of us. When it was mainly towards me, my guilt over not breaking up the family kept me from leaving. But when it started against the children, it was different.

I say 'autistic' because his behaviour and personality is very similar to DS who is 11, but was diagnosed as Aspergers age 6, and now attends a Special School. However, while DS knows he needs to work on social skills and anger management, even when he finds it difficult, ExH was adamant that there was nothing wrong with himself, and would do whatever he liked, whenever he felt like it, becoming very threatening to anyone who challenged him.

ExH actually has a letter from a Consultant Psychiatrist confirming that he DOESN'T have Aspergers.

we haven’t got that far yet due to the very long waiting lists) which must mean some correlation between empathy and autism.
Wrong again, it's there for a number of reasons, one is to weed out psychopaths. I'm part of a diagnostic team, I know how this works.

There’s just no need for it. Theres plenty of other threads that will appreciate sarcastic one liner
This was unfair too, you can't keep claiming that everyone who disagrees with you is nasty and sarcastic. I can see that you feel that HQ are helping you, but actually it's not helping if people challenging your viewpoint on autism when it very obviously hasn't been properly researched. If you're unsure of a comment, question it, if you feel it's unfair ignore it. There are a phenomenal amount of disablist comments on this thread and for those of us with autism it's very distressing.

Hi op, the problem is that you don't know anyone else with autism so you're just believing the rubbish that your dh is telling you. Take a step back and look at his behaviour in isolation from his diagnosis. Is it ok for him to treat you in his manner? Is it right for your child to grow up in this environment?

By the way, the symptoms of unrestrained aggressive Aspergers (as in my ExH's case) and Borderline Personality Disorder are very similar.

Aspergers will have been lifelong, whereas BPD only develops from late teens.

If your DH has Aspergers you will feel under a lot of pressure to stay, however the advice with a BPD partner is definitely to leave.

anapple - it's really interesting you should say that. I've worked with BPD clients and when I read OP's post I thought that sounds more like BPD than HFA.

Something that might be worth thinking about OP; if autistm causes abusive behaviour, why is it that autistic men are more likely to be abusive, whereas autistic women are more likely to be abused?

Yorkshire
I am sorry you are having a bad time.
my DH is certainly autistic (would never dream of getting diagnosed - but he acknowledges he is ‘special’) DS is going through the process for diagnosis.

It’s tough. It’s really tough being NT and married to someone on the spectrum. Like you I had no idea prior to marriage and over the years I have grieved /banged my head up against a wall/ gone nearly insane / for the marriage and the life I will never have .

I am still coming to accept it all- but it’s taking a long time and like you three years isn’t clos enough.
I have decided not to leave although I recognise that’s probably the best thing for me.
My tips;
Let him get on with it and emotionally detach as much as you can.
Go out . Make friends . Get a life.

It’s still hard at times. I know my DH loves me and adores my kids and can’t help the way he is.
Hard though it is step dispassionately back. Concentrate on yourself and your kids.

Gilead
I’m not challenging everybody who doesn’t agree with what I have said. If you RTFT there are many posters who have challenged what I say and I haven’t responded to most of them. But I reiterate, nasty ness and sarcastic one liners are NOT helpful. Can you please point out the ‘phenonenal’ ammount of disablist comments please as I would like to know which ones they are.

everybody Husband was diagnosed to have high functioning autism. Apparently Aspergers is not a diagnosis given in the UK anymore, aspergers is more an American diagnosis.

middleage3
Thank you. Thank you. This is the sort of comment I was looking for. Somebody who understood what it’s like being NT and married to someone autistic with tips of how to cope with living. Thanks xx

What middleage3 said.

middleage has reiterated what Bishop has said...

I have given Mumsnet a heads up regarding disablist comments, they have deleted some, for which I am grateful.

Your welcome - I don’t know about you but it feels reassuring that there are others out there going through the same thing. You can’t discuss these things in real life no one would understand the difficulties and the anguish this presents
I also try

• not to get engaged in conversations/ arguments. It’s impossible to talk about anything with any substance I find
• the melt downs / tantrums I see for what they are and remain calm and try not to take anything personally despite as in your house ‘it’s all my fault and I am a terrible terrible person’

It’s still hard and I struggle to take my own advice at times.

• I am in effect a carer to my DH although in many ways he functions and is great at practical tasks

I feel very lonely indeed at times and am mentally fragile - but I try and concentrate on the good things and the friendships I value and that keep my feeling validated. I also work full time and have social interaction with NT people during the day which helps.

• I think also acceptance that the ASD is there and it’s never going to go away. This is the way it is and it’s nobody’s fault

I am waffling now .....but I have been where you are. It’s still a sadness I carry with me most days but I make adjustments that help me cope.

gilead
The comments that have been deleted were deleted yesterday. Can you please point out these ‘phenomenal’ number of disableist comments as I still don’t know which ones they are. It’s important to me NOT to be disableist about my husbands condition and this is my second time of asking you to point them out. PM them to me if you want. But since there’s so many of them it would be helpful to me.
Also, middleage3s comments are nothing like bishops. Middleage3 is in the same position as I am, she has empathised, said things which I totally relate to and understand ( eg you can’t discuss these things in real life as no one would understand the difficulty’s and anguish this presents) and she has offered advice- things that she does to try and make her life easier. I see as much correlation between the two posters as I do between my child’s driving skills and Lewis Hamilton’s! Bishop was cruel - and I am not the only person to think that.

middleaged3.......your last post, it could have been me writing that. It’s really really bloody difficult isn’t it.

OP I've sent you a PM.

Husband was diagnosed to have high functioning autism. Apparently Aspergers is not a diagnosis given in the UK anymore, aspergers is more an American diagnosis.

Sorry but again you are misinformed. Someone is feeding you wrong information. There is not and has never been a condition called 'high functioning autism'. 'High functioning' just means that the autistic person has a normal IQ level.

The possible correct diagnosis are:

• classic autism (also known as Kanners autism)
• Asperger's syndrome or
• PDD-NOS

The American diagnostic manual (DSM) has done away with the 3 separate names and now just uses Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD).

The NHS uses the WHO diagnostic manual (ICD-10) which still uses the 3 diagnosis above.

Yes Mimpi, you are right. Our team are still using AS as a diagnosis although we tend to lean more to the ASC nowadays, but AS is easier for people to grasp.

Do you use ASC for all 3?

Mimpi, when DS was diagnosed, that is exactly what he was diagnosed with: HFA: High Functioning Autism, because - we were told by the assessor - Aspbergers is no longer a term they use but they do distinguish between HFA people who can hold down places in mainstream schooling, jobs, marriages etc, and people who have far more severe complex need sat the other end of the spectrum. I knew nothing at all about autism until we attended these sessions, so only came across these terms via clinical assessment.

abusiveness is not more common in autistic people. You only have to read the relationship thread, or an Aibu called what was the last straw for you, to see abusive behaviour is pretty common throughout the population.

It would be worthwhile learning how autism affects people in relationships so that you (and he) can learn to manage behaviours, but if those behaviours are abusive he must either see them for what they are, or you leave.

We tend to with young families Mimpi, for older folk (over 35, roughly) we use Aspergers.

That was on the NHS. We were told categorically that Aspergers is no longer a term they are allowed to use. This was 3 years ago.

Mina may I ask if you went privately? It is unusual (in my experience) for the NHS to use Americanisms.