Really struggling with autistic husband- can anybody help?

[yorkshireyummymummy]

He was diagnosed three years ago and somehow he seems to have become more autistic since the diagnosis. He blames the autism for his bad behaviour. However it’s generally ME he blames for everything.
We had had an argument last night over something ridiculous ( as always). He ramps them up very quickly and then refuses to eat. He says it’s to stop him getting an ulcer but to me it always feels like he is punishing me by refusing to eat the food I have cooked. He came to bed at midnight and woke me up by putting my spare pillow on my chest/stomach. I half woke up , confused and not with it, and asked what was this ( meaning pillow) and why was it there? He interpreted this as me having a go at him and so got dressed, and refused to come to bed. He woke me up @ 9am telling me it was his turn for the bed as he had been awake all night, freezing cold because he had no dinner and it was all my fault. His latest thing is that he is incapable of getting himself any food. There was a portion of chilli and rice ready to microwave, homemade pie, and cooked sausages so plenty of choice. But he is seemingly incapable of putting anything into the microwave and pressing a button. So he ate crisps and chocolate.
The whole weekend will be ruined by his mood . And it will ALL BE MY FAULT.
H3 threatens suicide often and although I love him very much and I’m very aware of my marriage vows I feel trapped.
I know without me he will end up a complete recluse who forgets to wash, eat properly and won’t see anybody as he won5 leave the house. So I have no option but to stay.
He is about to start done psychological treatment that he was reccomended after his diagnosis. It’s tsken me nearly three years to get the funding agreed for it.
I have no support network. My mother would tell me to leave h8m so I don’t confide in her.
Because he doesn’t like going out or social situations my social life ( which was huge) has shrunk to zero. I have two friends who both live abroad. His family all live 300 miles away and are too busy wrapped up in their own lives to bother how we are.
To cap it all off our ten yr old child is currently being assessed for autism too. Eighteen month wait fir an appointment though so it will be a while until it’s official. But I know my DC is autistic. Too many things I see which can’t be learned behaviour.
So I have an autistic husband, possible autistic child, no friends, no social life , no support network. I feel like running away.
I’m demented. Totally and utterly.
Is there anybody with an autistic husband who can give me some advice or tips on how you cope?

As another autistic person I kind of agree with Bishop. It's not to do with blame, it's about taking responsibility for your choices - which is to stay or leave. What he then does is also up to him. You don't need to stay and be abused, and your husband is abusing you. Will your child thank you for growing up in that environment?

You have the choice to stay or leave, but you can't change your husband. At the moment he's obviously getting what he wants from the relationship so has no need to change. An an autistic person, he's unlikely to empathise with your position. You say that you're not getting what you need and it sounds like an unhelpful environment for your child to grow up in. The situation isn't likely to change unless you take charge and that probably does mean leaving. You can try working things out afterwards if you like and call it a trial separation, once he's seen what he's losing he might want to change. But he won't spontaneously become a different person.

There is a massive difference though between not wanting to be super social (ok) and being foul and threatening suicide if you don't get your own way (obviously not ok).

Another poster who overreacts to something that has no relevance to them at all

Oh the irony!

Icky - agreed! My post wasn't meant unkindly but could have been expressed more sympathetically.......but being 'on the spectrum' myself....

Great post Bishop.

@GlitterGlue agreed. Without knowing the OP's DH I cant say whether or not he's aware of the impact of those actions on others but if he's got to adulthood without a dx then I suspect he does.

Going through the OP I can understand all the actions through an autistic lens but that still doesn't make it acceptable. Apart from the social thing I wouldn't accept nearly all of that behaviour in my own marriage.

@Vangoghsear yup but hey that's the neurotypical world for you, expecting everyone to fit in with them.

I think you've decided that you don't want to leave him, so it's a question of what you can do to make your life bearable.
I know things are hard, and it's clearly difficult for you to see a way forward. But you have as much right as him to have your wishes and needs taken into account.
I'm ta lking about your post when you said that he doesn't like noise or people do you can't live in a city or town. That is a very extreme position, and most people deal with it by having double glazing. I think this is an example of how you have put your wishes second to his.
I've seen lots of women do this - and not even voice that actually, their wishes don't coincide with their partn ers.
His wants do not trump yours.
Maybe you can get help to become more assertive when dealing with him?

you may not have known he was autistic but you must have noticed he didnt like socialising?
how can you suddenly pass the blame to him on this?
unless he has got worse.

make friends op

yup but hey that's the neurotypical world for you, expecting everyone to fit in with them

That's such an interesting comment and may be the case in some situations. However, it's my understanding that a NT living with a person with on the spectrum, spends much of their time accommodating the other person's needs and behaviours.

For example such a person may have difficulty showing empathy to others, which when you are NT can feel like the other person just doesn't care. They may also have trouble understanding other people’s emotions and often missing or misinterpreting subtle cues such as facial expression, eye contact or body language, which can lead to many misunderstandings and conflict.

They will also have problems understanding another person’s point of view, which again can feel that as a NT you are not validated as a person.

They may have difficulty engaging in social routines such as conversations and ‘small talk’, which can result in a couple becoming socially isolated.

Many people with autism prefer routines and they may become stressed or anxious if disrupted, so a NT has to work around this.

Many have an intense focus on a particular area of interest or hobby, sometimes to the exclusion of a relationship and family life.

Some have problems controlling their feelings such as anger, depression or anxiety, which for this NT partner can be extremely distressing.

So, on the whole I think the NT partner is the one who has to fit in with the Autistic person, simply because they have little choice.

An Autistic person is Autistic and they are wired differently to a NT.

However, in my experience many adults with autism have learned how to live in a NT world. This includes how to court someone with appropriate behaviours. Once married and settled, the person with autism could see it as unnecessary to continue with the courtship side of things.

This may explain why some NTs marry a person on the spectrum, believing they are marrying a NT.

As lots and lots of other people have said on this thread - there's being autistic and there's being a jerk.

My husband is autistic. So is DS2. They are two of the kindest people you can imagine. DH has genuine and perpetual problems relating to anything emotional but he's very practically thoughtful and DS2, who's had a fair bit of EI help since being diagnosed three years ago, is really empathetic and lovely.

The two are not necessarily connected. His autism may make it very difficult for him to understadn your feelings and why certain behaviour upsets you but reacting with criticism and judgement and cruelty is his personality and his choice, not his autism.

Btw, DH only got diagnosed a couple of years ago, after DS2s diagnosis. He was really surprised that his way of seeing the world is quite unusual, and he's made efforts since to respect my opinion more than he used to. He used to be dogmatic and finite about everything. Now he's more flexible. So a diagnosis doesn't mean exaggerated traits neccessarily.

There is a support thread for neurotypical spouses of autistic men on here. It's in OTBT 30 days only so you can have a rant and vent from time to time if you need one.

@ickyockycocky I think youll find that the autistic person has to do a hell of a lot of time accomodating NT behaviours too with a massive lack of understanding, and all the while feeling like theyre somehow defective because theyre not obsessed with socialising.

It works both ways.

It sounds like this guy has a lot of mental health problems, and that is seperate to his autism. OP has set herself up as a bit of a slave and a martyr

It works both ways

It does but the NT has the ability to compromise and accommodate, whereas the autistic person struggles, as you say, from a massive lack of understanding.

Ickyockycocky, excellent post.

I agree that the NT person does have to take on additional workload especially in the areas of translating emotions/facial expressions or intent.
Ex would relay situations and I would translate what the meaning was likely to be..If you use the analogy of different languages.We live predominately in a country where English is spoken, if there are French speakers who have less understanding of English it's likely that the English speaking partner will translate often.The French speaker may go into a job where French is necessary but once at home the Englush partner is likely to pick up most of the actions.
Ex actually didn't mind socialising and I am more introverted so socialising wasn't a big deal between us.It is very person specific.

Op, your partner could have unstable emotions, (emotional regulation disorder) which is separate to Autism.It is possible for both to coexist.It did in the case of ex.

I have an autistic child and are divorced from their autistic father. I had no idea they were autistic when I got married.

I could have stayed married if I had lived on my guard ,constantly pulling up behaviour etc.

It's the same with my autistic child. I have to constantly be vigilant or their behaviour regresses. I don't expect much and I constantly make concessions for their behaviour but their are lines that cannot be crossed.

Hope this makes sense.

it is not considered rude to talk about the autistic person or the autist in most autistic communities.

identity first is perfectly acceptable

The only experience I have of being married to a NT person he abused me. I'm now in a completely neurodiverse house and I'm content. What Branleuse says makes a lot of sense to me.

how is that rude. The point was got across clearly and accurately as to who we were talking about, and no harm was intended. If you take that as rude then youre really trying to be offended, or is yet another bullshit irrational social rule?

blind person, diabetic person, gay person, autistic person

You might like to whisper about anything slightly outside of the norm as if its taboo and a terrible thing to admit to, but i dont share your view and "person with autism" or "person with blindness" sounds ridiculous and tryhard

Another Aspie poster...another one who doesn’t think all of this behaviour is down to ASD. Do those who are NT have to make allowances if in a relationship with someone who is neuro-diverse? Yes. I know DH makes allowances for me, a lot. I don’t do think like most people. I need help getting organised. I need help managing my anxiety. (But then so does he!). I do have meltdowns when I’m overwhelmed which he still struggles with.
But I don’t try to manipulate him, threaten self-harm or suicide if I don’t get my own way! What you’re asking for is help with his ASD but I don’t think that’s what you’re really struggling with. I think it’s worth reading up on manipulative behaviours - maybe Lundy Bancroft’s Why does he do that? Because that’s what you’re dealing with.

I am glad that the Different Together website has been recommended for you OP. You will find the information and support there that you need from people who are in your situation.

Distinguishing between AS and ArSe is important, but more important perhaps, is whether you have the resilience and stamina to deal with both/either for the foreseeable future.

www.aspiestrategy.com is another site worth looking at.

What ever you decide to do, take some time to think about what you need and want.