Really struggling with autistic husband- can anybody help?

[yorkshireyummymummy]

He was diagnosed three years ago and somehow he seems to have become more autistic since the diagnosis. He blames the autism for his bad behaviour. However it’s generally ME he blames for everything.
We had had an argument last night over something ridiculous ( as always). He ramps them up very quickly and then refuses to eat. He says it’s to stop him getting an ulcer but to me it always feels like he is punishing me by refusing to eat the food I have cooked. He came to bed at midnight and woke me up by putting my spare pillow on my chest/stomach. I half woke up , confused and not with it, and asked what was this ( meaning pillow) and why was it there? He interpreted this as me having a go at him and so got dressed, and refused to come to bed. He woke me up @ 9am telling me it was his turn for the bed as he had been awake all night, freezing cold because he had no dinner and it was all my fault. His latest thing is that he is incapable of getting himself any food. There was a portion of chilli and rice ready to microwave, homemade pie, and cooked sausages so plenty of choice. But he is seemingly incapable of putting anything into the microwave and pressing a button. So he ate crisps and chocolate.
The whole weekend will be ruined by his mood . And it will ALL BE MY FAULT.
H3 threatens suicide often and although I love him very much and I’m very aware of my marriage vows I feel trapped.
I know without me he will end up a complete recluse who forgets to wash, eat properly and won’t see anybody as he won5 leave the house. So I have no option but to stay.
He is about to start done psychological treatment that he was reccomended after his diagnosis. It’s tsken me nearly three years to get the funding agreed for it.
I have no support network. My mother would tell me to leave h8m so I don’t confide in her.
Because he doesn’t like going out or social situations my social life ( which was huge) has shrunk to zero. I have two friends who both live abroad. His family all live 300 miles away and are too busy wrapped up in their own lives to bother how we are.
To cap it all off our ten yr old child is currently being assessed for autism too. Eighteen month wait fir an appointment though so it will be a while until it’s official. But I know my DC is autistic. Too many things I see which can’t be learned behaviour.
So I have an autistic husband, possible autistic child, no friends, no social life , no support network. I feel like running away.
I’m demented. Totally and utterly.
Is there anybody with an autistic husband who can give me some advice or tips on how you cope?

I sort of know what you are going through OP, my DH can be like this at times, maybe not as severe as yours. I think you are so close to the wood you can't see the trees. Ask yourself what you would advise a stranger or friend who was going through this sort of abuse. Like others have said, the autism might be a reason for some of this behaviour but it is certainly not an excuse and he shouldn't be treating you like a whipping post. Focus on this and think what you want out of your marriage/life.

When you feel strong I would recommend being totally honest with him about how you feel about his treatment of you. Perhaps you need to state that although you are sympathetic re his diagnosis it is not an excuse so he knows exactly where you are coming from.
Good luck, I know it's hard.

Gilead We were assessed through the NHS. The woman who assessed DS said: 'He's autistic. Actually, he is an absolutely classic case of Aspbergers but we're not allowed to use that term any more, so I have to tell you that he is on the autistic spectrum disorder at the High Functioning end.' The only thing I might have misremembered is whether the SENCO who was present at his assessment as it was done at school, was the one who first used the term HFA. She used it because she is very sensitive and picked up on the fact that DS was very upset at being labelled 'autistic' but liked being labelled 'High Functioning.'
From what she said it was a new thing. This was in 2015. The new directive had just come in, she said.

Sorry, I'm being unclear. From what the NHS assessor said, the directive to abandon the term Asperger's was new.

It really is a minefield and I for one would never want to upset anyone......
I take the point that me and Bishop may have essentially said the same thing but look how responses and the way it’s said can vary between someone with ASD and a NT ( and I also believe that everyone with ASD is as different as every NT)
But that different way of putting a point across illustrates exactly the difference and the sensitivities for all.
Bishop was factual and to the point
My response was more embellished
My DH would argue strongly that he does have empathy. I don’t feel it.
As I understand ‘mind blindness’ is the appropriate term.
Again not wishing to upset anyone ...but it really does feel like trying to converse in a different language and I guess it’s frustrating and upsetting for both the NT and ASD partner

Ahh well, Mina, it's a directive that hasn't got through to us yet and I suspect is unlikely to!

How he would cope without you is not your problem. He is clearly not in a fit state to be in a relationship. His behaviour towards you is not something you should hang around for more of, whether it's concious and deliberate or driven by factors he can't or won't control.

The food thing isn't necessarily deliberate, though. My autistic teen who is capable of eating to Olympic standard often goes off his food when he is stressed or mentally agitated. His executive functioning also goes down the pan completely.

I have just looked through my husbands full report on his diagnosis.
He was diagnosed two years ago via the NHS.
His report does not say aspergers anywhere at all but says ‘high functioning autism ‘ many times and ‘ ASD’ about half as many.
So my experience of it matches yours Mina.

I don’t know why the directive hasn’t got through to you yet gilead but I suspect it will one day. Nobody likes change do they and people with autism like it even less in my experience!

Oh and Gilead......third time of asking.....please can you point out the ‘phenomenal’ number of disablist comments as I would like to ensure I never say them. Thanks!

Yorkshire, I have explained the way in which my health authority works. They are all different.
I am not going through the posts again, I've been through them with Mumsnet. Suffice to say that yours have been deleted along with others. Most people are trying to keep this thread calm and kind, it has been explained to you that Bishop's and Middle's post are along the same lines but one poster has an ASC. Perhaps comparing them and their delivery will give you a better of understanding of the different ways in which ASCs can present. Middle is allistic, Bishop has a diagnosis as does your dh. They are however, all different. Perhaps a bit of patience on the forum with those of us on the spectrum.
I do understand that you are distressed about the home situation and have been in a not dissimilar situation, I chose divorce. I am very aware though that Autism and Abuse are not to be conflated, and you have been told this a number of times on the thread, it would be appreciated if those musing you could perhaps keep to yourself rather than distressing those of us who are on the spectrum.
Your comment about those of us with autism disliking change was rude and unnecessary, I was merely mentioning the practices of my health authority not remaining entrenched in a particular view.

@YorkshireYummyMummy - this thread is not helping you get the support you badly need right now. Come over to the support thread.

Jesus..

Yorkshireyummymummy - are you ok? You always give such wonderful advice but you seem very distracted at the moment. Hand-holding

dancing Thank you. That’s such a lovely thing to say.
I was just hoping for a bit of support and advice and although I got plenty of both some of it was not what i was looking for and just makes me feel bullied on here too.
I’ve had a night mare day with a handy man who makes del and Rodney look like Handy Andys trainer. He arrived at 9.30 and left 13 hours later. I wanted a tap changing on my kitchen sink. At the moment the kitchen floor is covered in U bends and the sink itself is propped up on a piece of furniture. The dog is stressed because of all of the drilling and DH is frantically trying to work out how much it’s going to cost us to put right all of the mistakes mr handyman’s work will incur. And, to top,it all, I couldn’t use the kitchen to cook somhad to go and get a takeaway.....and I had to buy mr handy one too!!! He sat at dining table with DH telling my totally zero empathy husband about his very very complicated love life. Luckily I had made DH a huge Margharita so he wasn’t too stressed!! This really could only happen to me. Anyway, better go as mr handy is back tomorrow at 9.30. He wanted to stay the night when he found out we had spare bedrooms...........why do these things happen t9 me???

Anyway, thanks for your really really kind concern. It means such a lot and I will be fine in a couple of days when
I get my sink back!!

Mr handy sounds like a cowboy.

It's clear emotions are running very high. But whatever they have said, telling an autistic person to "f off" is nevertheless pretty low.. They do not always recognise when their comments or behaviour is inappropriate... but you do know better.. So I appreciate you are feeling frustrated and cross, but a little more research into and understanding of autism could help greatly. I have an autistic son and believe my husband to be autistic too. And same as you, I didn't notice it when we married, I just thought he had some odd ways of doing things, but since our son's diagnosis and having been on many courses etc over the years, I now recognise traits that make sense of my frustrations with him. He drives me nuts with so many things but I'm not going to list all his 'faults' because I'm sure he could equally list plenty faults of mine that drive him nuts too! I try to focus on the lovely, kind things about him. And help him with the things he finds difficult. When I am frustrated or feel overwhelmed, I just have to take some time out for myself to calm down, recharge and carry on once more. Because I love him. And he loves me. And the real struggle when you're a bit 'different' in whatever way, is trying so hard to fit into the box of what other people expect of you. But when you learn it's ok to be unique, to celebrate the differences, and stop striving to be what everybody else wants you to be... but know that you are loved and accepted for WHO YOU ARE... well that's liberating and it makes for true happiness. I'm neurotypical but even so, I'd hate for anyone to try to change me... I am who I am. Quirks and all! We speak of tolerance and acceptance in this world but when issues come so close to home, it can be very difficult to adjust. But adjustment is key to how you move forward. You can walk away.. or you can learn more about autism, get some support for yourself, find others in the same situation, learn coping strategies, and start getting your life back on track. No, it's not the life you thought you would have! Me neither. And we mourn really for what we once expected. (But then.. I always rather hoped I'd get rich and that hasn't happened either). If the shoe were on the other foot, would you hope to be understood, supported? We do the best we can with the hand we're dealt. I am thankful that however bad things get for me, I still do not face the same daily struggles as my son or my husband. So can I cope? Yes. I can, and I will! You need to make your own choices. I understand your feelings, every one of them, truly. I've spent years battling the same ones. But when I started to learn more about autism and its possible associated behaviours, ie. OCD, ADD (attention deficit disorder) PDA (pathological demand avoidance), SPD (sensory processing disorder) etc. then sooo much started to make sense... And I began to understand why my son and husband behave the way they do. In turn, I felt more tolerant towards them and was able to develop ways to ease the situations which can cause problems. I can't change them (and don't want to) and they cannot adapt to fit into society's ideal, but I/we can adapt to help them still feel accepted, safe and at home 🙂 Yes! We are stronger than we think! ... I hope this helps you in some small way. Good luck.

@DaisyChai

Very old thread!

@yorkshireyummymummy Hi, I'm new to mumsnet and your thread came up in a Google search as I was searching for help. I am in exactly the same position and had no idea that my husband was autistic when we married. He had no idea either. Still awaiting a diagnosis and one for our youngest daughter. Life is extremely stressful right now. I too had a miscarriage. This was in 2017.

How is life for you now? What did you decide to do? Would love to connect.

I was in a very similar situation and his needs ramped up when he got the diagnosis. He blamed all his bad behaviour on that. I had a sharp pain in my chest all the time, due to how much he was draining me. I eventually got out and my daughter and I are so much happier. Please leave, you are not his carer. You only have one short life, live it to be happy.

I can relate to everything you're saying. My BF isn't quite that bad but never says he loves me or that I'm beautiful and is ungrateful for everything I do for him. Making me a meal is a challenge . He asked what I wanted for xmas and I said a ring maybe . he said he would buy me a ring for down there ( piercing) . He said he wasn't ready to make a commitment bc he was unemployed for 6 months

Wow, your story and mine are identical. How may we mums connect?🤗