Really struggling with autistic husband- can anybody help?

[yorkshireyummymummy]

He was diagnosed three years ago and somehow he seems to have become more autistic since the diagnosis. He blames the autism for his bad behaviour. However it’s generally ME he blames for everything.
We had had an argument last night over something ridiculous ( as always). He ramps them up very quickly and then refuses to eat. He says it’s to stop him getting an ulcer but to me it always feels like he is punishing me by refusing to eat the food I have cooked. He came to bed at midnight and woke me up by putting my spare pillow on my chest/stomach. I half woke up , confused and not with it, and asked what was this ( meaning pillow) and why was it there? He interpreted this as me having a go at him and so got dressed, and refused to come to bed. He woke me up @ 9am telling me it was his turn for the bed as he had been awake all night, freezing cold because he had no dinner and it was all my fault. His latest thing is that he is incapable of getting himself any food. There was a portion of chilli and rice ready to microwave, homemade pie, and cooked sausages so plenty of choice. But he is seemingly incapable of putting anything into the microwave and pressing a button. So he ate crisps and chocolate.
The whole weekend will be ruined by his mood . And it will ALL BE MY FAULT.
H3 threatens suicide often and although I love him very much and I’m very aware of my marriage vows I feel trapped.
I know without me he will end up a complete recluse who forgets to wash, eat properly and won’t see anybody as he won5 leave the house. So I have no option but to stay.
He is about to start done psychological treatment that he was reccomended after his diagnosis. It’s tsken me nearly three years to get the funding agreed for it.
I have no support network. My mother would tell me to leave h8m so I don’t confide in her.
Because he doesn’t like going out or social situations my social life ( which was huge) has shrunk to zero. I have two friends who both live abroad. His family all live 300 miles away and are too busy wrapped up in their own lives to bother how we are.
To cap it all off our ten yr old child is currently being assessed for autism too. Eighteen month wait fir an appointment though so it will be a while until it’s official. But I know my DC is autistic. Too many things I see which can’t be learned behaviour.
So I have an autistic husband, possible autistic child, no friends, no social life , no support network. I feel like running away.
I’m demented. Totally and utterly.
Is there anybody with an autistic husband who can give me some advice or tips on how you cope?

My husband is autistic. He wouldn't treat anyone like yours treats you. Yours doesn't behave like this because he's autistic, he does it because he's an arse.

If he wasn't threatening suicide, would you leave?

I agree with others, he is using the ultimate scare tactic and it's working. Those who shout the loudest about suicide are rarely the ones who go through with it......

BlankTimes post at 18:57 is spot on.

Does he behave the way he does because you're there to blame?

If you weren't, would he be more likely to look after himself and eat?

Or, ignore the autism, is he mentally ill?

Bishop I didn’t know he was - neither did he- when I married him. Your comment is mean, unnecessary and not what I need right now. So please, fuck right off and be mean elsewhere. Don’t post on my thread again please.

Icky.......thanks SO MUCH for that link. I have joined and there’s lots for me to read on there.....at last I have found some people who can empathise with me without just telling me to leave him or that he’s just abusive. There is so much more to him than that , it’s just the tough times that I could do with some advice and support. I may just have found it through you posting the link. Thank you thank you thank you so much.

It is absolutely vital you communicate your concerns with him and ideally in a format where he can't just shut down. So a letter or video, perhaps. He needs it spelt out very clearly including what behaviour you find unacceptable, what effect its having in you and what the consequences are.

However, at the same time you need to bear in mind he may struggle to truly empathise with your concerns and you need to negotiate compromises for the things that are not truly red lines. With most autistic people there are things they will feel ultra strongly about and want to control, but then other things they are fine to abdicate entirely. It is worth working out where you both fit with this.

Blank times
Theses a lot of truth and sense in what you have written. I need some time to think about it and absorb it. Maybe I just don’t want to admit that he is abusive because that’s him. Who wants to admit they married an abuser? Is he really?
NannyOgg I think he is mentally ill too. We went to the doctors last week. He lost his father recently in quite horrific circumstances and we asked about support with his mental health and some grief counselling. We came away with nothing, the gp honestly said to us that the mental health services in our area are so stretched that they won’t even take him on their lists at the moment. Grief counselling has a two year waiting list. Because he is autistic the MH department will just refuse to treat him and bounce him back to the gp as they say they don’t have the trained staff to deal with his type of problems! We have asked for referrals to the MH dept in the past from a different gp at a different surgery and were told after seeing a member of the crisis team that there was nobody suitable to help as he is autistic! Yet the go didn’t have any other alternatives, apart from phoning CRUSE. So unless he has a total mental breakdown and gets sectioned I can’t see anyway of getting him any MH help. I feel at the end of my tether you see.

My child will never forgive me if my husband commits suicide. My guilt would be unbearable

Of course they will. They would know that if he went through with it, it would have nothing to do with you.

You’re projecting onto your child your own feelings that you couldn’t forgive yourself. But you’re not responsible for keeping someone alive and he most likely would never go through with it.

Bishop is autistic herself if you read her previous posts.

You're welcome

If you can afford to go private the NAS has a list of counsellors with experience in treating people with autism. www.autism.org.uk/about/strategies/counselling.aspx

And if he won't go, go yourself.

Ultimately though I agree, it's not acceptable for him to treat you like this regardless of his diagnosis. I'll bet he manages to rein it in when dealing with other people.

Tatiana
How do I look up bishops previous posts please?

On this thread.

tatiana.
Sorry, I misunderstood. I thought you were trying to be helpful.
Bishops first comment was helpful. The second one was just nasty. I’ve got people on here saying don’t accept abuse from your autistic husband and then Bishop gets nasty ( and I’m not the only one who thought that) for no reason at all- blaming me for marrying an autistic man in the first place when neither of us knew he was autistic!

So, that’s another thing that’s my fault according to an autistic person. Maybe blaming the NT person is an autistic default setting. But thanks so much for helping me to realise that it’s my fault fir marrying him in the first place. That’s really helpful.

What is it with people on here? When somebody is genuinely , desperately in need of some help, support or just needs to let it all out why do some women feel that it’s ok to make the OP feel worse? Pointing things out which don’t need to be don’t help the person in question. Could it be that the nasty posters are just so dissatisfied with their own lives that their bitterness runs through their fingers out into the keyboard?

OP made it perfectly clear at the start that she had no idea she was marrying someone autistic.

And even if she had, if she'd only had the word to go on, it would have told her nothing about what he was going be like, as there is no trait we all have. Not even introversion, hypoempathy, or inability to take others' perspective.

"Maybe blaming the NT person is an autistic default setting."

Having been abused by several autistic people - and speaking as someone autistic myself - I would say that there is plenty of that attitude around across the population of autistic people.

Whether it's actually higher than in the general population, or in allistic people, is another matter, of course.

It's like the person ends up in a totally defensive/reactive/reactionary mental position, where they're just sitting there waiting for the next attack, whether real or perceived.

And yes, I think the way autistic people are treated by society helps cause that. In that it's demanded of us that we see other people's point of view all the time, but - and ok, I'm talking mostly about those of us who grow up undiagnosed, here - there's no pressure on others to see ours.

So we have to end up reciprocating that lack of understanding otherwise we'd go under, mentally.

But if we don't give every individual person a chance to reciprocate understanding before withdrawing it from them - and/or get nastily defensive with people who don't deserve it - then that is no more or less than another example of abused people becoming abusers.

And no victim of theirs is obliged to put up with that, regardless of where it's come from.

I'm talking in generalities here, OP, and about the thread more than about your situation, because I know you don't want to hear that what's being done to you is abuse. I hope you find the help that works for you, and wish you all the best, however your situation pans out.

Yes it would be very hard for your son if your not so DH were to commit suicide - however that would (a) not be your fault and (b) based on the men I've known in real life and many you see on here who threaten this when their fed up and abused spouses leave, actually very unlikely - he is using it as a threat to keep you compliant. In many cases the man quickly finds another woman to keep him pacified and the wife is left wondering about how many years he made her waste, thinking she was the only possible rescuer.

What is guaranteed though is that by staying like this, your son is developing a warped sense of relationships and if he is diagnosed, of how he should behave. Imagine if he ends up choosing a partner like your husband? Or becoming one?

Have you heard of the freedom programme? He is abusive, his diagnosis is not an excuse, and your son's wellbeing - and yours - have to come before his.
Good luck

Bishops first comment was helpful. The second one was just nasty.

Being autistic may be why she put it so bluntly. She may not have intended to appear unsympathetic.

You need to point out very assertively that he is making choices. He chose not to eat. He chose not to stay in bed and go to sleep. Practise being assertive and repeat relevant phrase without engaging in discussion. Fundamentally he is being highly manipulative and guilt tripping you into doing what he wants - I doubt if this is the result of his autism. Maybe add 'I'm sorry you feel that way...' to above phrases as well, but you need to make clear that you are not in any way accepting responsibility for his behaviour.

BTW your posts on here seem to suggest that you might tend to overreact to hearing anything you don't like or agree with......

Vangoghsear

How rude you are! Someone comes on here asking for help and you twist what they’ve posted, just so you can have a go at them, disgusting.

Another poster who overreacts to something that has no relevance to them at all!

My father has Aspergers and my son has recently diagnosed high functioning ASD (he's a 11). My son has a twin sister who is 3-4 years ahead of him when it comes to looking after themselves. For my son, it has always been like he was born missing a common sense gene. When he was younger (and before I knew he had ASD) I would go on endless parenting courses to work out how to improve his behaviour. One particular parenting session - I was complaining to the therapist that my son treats me like a slave - she replied back to me (in a kind way) "that's because you behave like one'. And it was the truth...because my son struggles with certain things I do more for him - too much sometimes.
I'm telling you this story because I am wondering if you and your husband have gotten into a cycle of you acting like a parent and he is responding like a child? Its could explain his recent behaviour. You are doing your very best to help and support him - he is sensing you are taking on more responsibility and he is slipping into a more child-like role? If you feel this might be true - have a chat to him and see if you can break the cycle by you not trying to take as much responsibility for him and him being aware when he is starting to act child-like.
Also, I think you should go to the GP to be referred for some mental health support for yourself - not just your husband and son - you need help and support to as this is just as difficult for you.
Good luck.

There is a thread on here called 'child's problems caused by marital ones?' Give it a read and good luck.
(I left, he hasn't killed himself yet, I no longer think my dc are autistic and nobody but him blames me for anything.)

Evidently you don't understand autism and have no wish to do so.

I haven't said your husband's behaviour is remotely acceptable, I have said if you can't live with that then you have to leave. You don't owe him anything to stay despite what you tell yourself.

As an autistic person I will never accept anyone wanting me to change who I am and plenty have tried. Making him go out and do coupley things is incompatible with the way he is. It just is. Again if you can't live that way you may need to review the relationship because it's not reasonable to make him do it.