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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I drove home at midnight so upset....

362 replies

Bubblesandcake · 28/04/2018 09:55

He thinks I was overreacting.
Been with a guy for 5 months, he met my 2 dd's a month ago. On the first occasion lovely. 2nd he joked about sending them to their dads. My dd's see their dad every other sunday. He has no other interest in them (school, activities etc). He won't take them anywhere or buy them anything. He doesn't co-parent put it that way. It's something I have had to get used to. Anyway, this guy knows this. He knows I am a single parent, working and also a student nurse. I juggle life and kids on my own and some days could do with just a cuddle. Anyway yesterday, was one of those days. Dd's went to see my mum (lots of running around before hand - party presents, outfits, broken car, broken washing machine and assignments to be done). Made it to his house (as it was my turn to go there) about 8.30pm, tired and hungry. I told him I'd had a busy day and also had a text off dd's father regarding money (again). He pays minimum maintenance but I pay the mortgage and have been for 8 years since he left. Our financial issues have never been sorted regarding sale of the house. So by this point feeling pretty drained. My dd rang and it was 10pm. He took my phone and said she's up too late, your mum can deal with it. I thought he was joking so I got up and rang her back. He then said they're up too late, I have been thinking this for a while, they need sleep. I said it's late getting in every night from activities, by the time they shower, I pack lunches, we chat, yes it's 9pm gone. Well it's too late he said. I have rang you before at 9.30/10 and my eldest (13) has been up on her phone. That's another thing he said, you don't limit screen time, it's not healthy for your 10 year old to go on her phone first thing in the morning. I got a bit defensive and he said it's constructive criticism, I should be able to take it. I explained they're my dd's and I have raised them completely alone. He has no idea so shouldn't judge me. These are petty things. He then said well there is one more thing, your eldest can be rude. I said how. He said when you have the radio on in the kitchen, she comes in watching YouTube on her phone. I said it's her house. He said well it's rude, you should tell her to turn it off as you have music on. I can recall this day because he commented and left early without eating with us that day. It must have annoyed him that much.
Sorry it's long but I just needed to talk about it. Im new to the whole relationship thing. Single for 7 years before I met him. I drove home crying. I need someone's support not constructive criticism. If my girls were rude to him or anyone, they would be told. They have their stroppy moments but they're polite and well mannered. Yes they go on their phones alot, stay up a bit later but I feel I am doing the best I can. We have meal times together, days out, girly pamper nights, I'm the one sat doing homework with them, driving them to their activities every night, listening to their problems, listening to their happy stories whilst trying to study/work. Their father does nothing. Why would this guy, out of everything I do pick out what he thinks is wrong?
He said he wasn't judging me. What was he doing then? What was the point in the conversation. He went to bed, I left. He hasn't even contacted me this morning.
Am I overreacting? I struggle on my own, some days I'm exhausted so yes, if someone picks on what I do as a mum, as being wrong, I feel defensive. I just didn't want to face him.....so I left. Right or wrong?

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 29/04/2018 11:27

There isn't a right way to end a relationship. I once sent a letter and I got criticised by some friends. I had a boyfriend finish with me face to face and I didn't like that either. Bottom line, ending a relationship is never easy, you should just reply to his text that you're dumping him and then block him. You don't owe him anything.

category12 · 29/04/2018 11:29

Text him "I've decided it won't work between us. Our relationship is over."

Mary1935 · 29/04/2018 11:31

Hi well done for seeing through his bull shit. You could text him and tell him it's not working for you. Don't engage further as he will worm his way back or you will begin to doubt yourself. It's not you.
Well done for coping all these years alone - doing a musing course and all that entails. You are strong.
Re house - I second getting it sorted if you can - your ex WILL not be entitled to half if you have been paying the mortgage past years. Another cheeky fucker!!!
Good luck with your course. Keep protecting your children.

VivaKondo · 29/04/2018 11:33

Look speaking to him is, on paper, better.
But if he never listens to you and somehow always makes it it’s your fault and you fell either feel rubbish or agree to carry on instead of properly breaking up as you want to, then send a text.
Then you can take the time of thinking about what you are going to say. But seriously a ‘unfortunately This is not working for me. The relationship is making me unhappy so the best is for us to part ways’ will be plenty.
I suspect he will be texting and ringing you back to try and reign you in.... so be ready for that.

blinkowl · 29/04/2018 11:39

I used to think you had to split up face-to-face. But that only works with people who listen to you and treat you with respect.

It's only been 5 months, he doesn't listen to you and twists things so he's always right. Text split is totally appropriate.

WeeMadArthur · 29/04/2018 11:42

He wants to talk to you now so that he can tell you how wrong you are. If I were you a simple “this is not working for me, please do not contact me again” text and then block him would be the best move.

Notthatwomanagain · 29/04/2018 11:43

OP you sound wonderful
The kind of
Mum any girl would be delighted to have
And thenlife you have build with your DS sounds fabulous- loving, busy, fun and all mucking along together through the ups and downs.
You are providing a wonderful role model for them as a hard working strong woman.

And re this man, you have listened to yourself- you didn’t put up with it last night, you knew it was wrong and you left
Brilliant!
With that radar on you can continue to protect yourself and your girls. Those red flags are there for a reason

Now his ongoing anxiety needs to stop.
A text is fine
Text him that you don’t want to continue the relationship, you aren’t compatible and you want him to not contact you further.

If he does block him from all your devices
If he turns up call the police

You are fabulous and strong and deserve only the best. The right man is out there so don’t settle for second best

IfNot · 29/04/2018 11:57

You don't need to explain. Just say that this is not the relationship for you and you will not be seeing him again. The end.
Don't question yourself in the future-you are clearly a good parent. You just need to trust yourself. Sooner or later you will meet a decent guy, and you will have the warm fuzzy looked-after feeling that you deserve. Until then just keep doing what you're doing WITHOUT some no mark idiot sticking his oar in.

Shockers · 29/04/2018 12:04

‘Hi, this isn’t working for me anymore, but I’m not up to a relationship post mortem, so please don’t contact me. All the best.’

KelpianCasserole · 29/04/2018 12:14

Youre a nurse. You know the best way to remove a plaster!😊

Cricrichan · 29/04/2018 12:37

You don't have to make him see it understand. It's unanimous here that his behaviour is controlling and gaslighting towards you and your children. He won't see fault in himself and it's not your job to make him see. I've spent years trying to argue and discuss and make my stbxh see, but I'm resigned that he'll never see and that no longer matters are we have split.

Thefirsttulip · 29/04/2018 12:41

I agree with texting him to tell him it's over. People like him never think they've done anything wrong so trying to tell them they have is like talking to a houseplant.

Saying something like "Our relationship isn't working for me anymore so I have come to the decision to end it. I wish you well in the future but this is not for me."

And leave it at that.

Zaphodsotherhead · 29/04/2018 12:43

Everyone is a perfect parent until they have children themselves. Didn't someone on here say that? It's true. It's extremely easy to see how to make children behave themselves, to see that they have too much screen time, backchat their parents, are unsociable and rude and just need a good telling off - UNTIL YOU HAVE KIDS OF YOUR OWN.

When suddenly you realise how grim, grinding and relentless it is, and how you don't sweat the small stuff and pick your battles.

You're doing a great job bringing them up OP, and he can stuff his 'constructive criticism'! He's not the boss of you...

expatinscotland · 29/04/2018 12:46

A text is fine, especially as he has zero respect for you and twists things around. You owe him nothing. And if you speak to him, he'll do exactly what he always does.

So a text with, 'Our relationship has run its course and it's time to move on. It's over. Do not contact me again,' is absolutely fine! Then you just block and delete.

OR, you can ghost him. That's fine, too. A lot of people don't like it, think it's rude and mean and you should tell why and blah blah blah. But you owe him nothing because a) you don't have to justify anything b) he won't listen anyway because he doesn't give a rat's arse and thinks you're just wrong and he's right, always.

I would NOT speak to him again because he twists it round.

Text or ghost.

Thefirsttulip · 29/04/2018 12:51

I wouldn't ghost, only because it leaves things to open ended.

elisenbrunnen · 29/04/2018 12:54

Just for closure, and for your own peace of mind - a text. 'This is not working for me, don't contact me again'.

Then block.

At least then you know that he will not to contact you, and you can put it behind you - and know that thousands of MNers will be cheering you on, and agreeing with you.

If you don't draw a clear line under this, you may well find yourself talking to him, agreeing to 'work on it'', or to 'try again' or you can twist yourself into knots while he makes out it's your fault.... and before you know it, you are stuck in a relationship you don't want to be in. DON'T TALK TO HIM - just text.. End of.

Thefirsttulip · 29/04/2018 12:57

Yes, don't let him talk you into "working at it" or "trying again."

5 months into a relationship is waaay to short to be in such a mess that you have to "work things out."

Is he the type to come to your house to talk though if you dump him?

MrsCrabbyTree · 29/04/2018 13:12

This man will make you and your children's lives miserable.

Please get him out of your life as I saw the same happen with a friend a few years ago. He knew better than everyone and my friend and her girls walked on eggshells. It was horrible until she kicked him to the kerb after he hit one of the girls for spilling milk on the kitchen counter. Apparently, as a teenager, she was too old to accidently make a mess.

Keep doing the great job of looking after your family that you have been doing.

Bubblesandcake · 29/04/2018 13:16

Thankyou everyone. I appreciate the support and the kind words have made me sole, so thankyou 😊
I have been going over and over in my mind, what to do/say. I think I needed closure so sent a text. Saying 'after a few disagreements and our conversation on Friday night, we are not compatible and this relationship isn't going to work'.
I don't think he will turn up. I really don't know how he will act to be honest. I'm really hoping that will be it. This isn't nice at all.

OP posts:
Bubblesandcake · 29/04/2018 13:17

Made me smile not smole 😊

OP posts:
LiteraryDevil · 29/04/2018 13:19

Well done OP! Now block and delete Thanks

expatinscotland · 29/04/2018 13:20

Well done! Do not engage with him at all. He won't turn up because it's too much effort for him. I'd honestly block him and delete him. Hope he just fucks off. Definitely look at some of those sites Attila pointed out and the sticky threads on here about red flags.

lifebegins50 · 29/04/2018 13:21

The reason is I find it hard to explain myself as he never understands. I tried to explain that night and he had an answer, making him appear right all of the time. So in the end I just didn't say anything. Its no good explaining my feelings towards his comments all over again

If you want to understand more about this behaviour and why it's so invalidating read "the verbally abusive " by Patricia Evans, it will name the tactics he is using and explain why you feel so confused and invalidated.

Non toxic people communicate with a partner so that they gain understanding hoping that they can compromise and ultimately smooth things over..However with these types (who seek power and control) communication is always about dominating you - the lightbulb moment is when you realise he isn't seeking the same outcome as you.

None of it makes sense to a rational person so it`s a case of accepting that he is not likely to change.I suspect his ex has a similar story to tell.

NameWithChamge · 29/04/2018 14:08

Well done. Just be prepared to stand your ground and not get drawn into explaining yourself.

He has overridden your feelings before by the sounds of it so he may initially be quite outraged you have had the balls to dump him.

Don't get drawn into conversations.

Wine
Onecutefox · 29/04/2018 14:24

Be brave OP. We are with you. Flowers
I would say this relationship doesn't work for me and neither for my daughters. It's over.
Be firm and show no hesitation in your message and no window to reply.