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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I drove home at midnight so upset....

362 replies

Bubblesandcake · 28/04/2018 09:55

He thinks I was overreacting.
Been with a guy for 5 months, he met my 2 dd's a month ago. On the first occasion lovely. 2nd he joked about sending them to their dads. My dd's see their dad every other sunday. He has no other interest in them (school, activities etc). He won't take them anywhere or buy them anything. He doesn't co-parent put it that way. It's something I have had to get used to. Anyway, this guy knows this. He knows I am a single parent, working and also a student nurse. I juggle life and kids on my own and some days could do with just a cuddle. Anyway yesterday, was one of those days. Dd's went to see my mum (lots of running around before hand - party presents, outfits, broken car, broken washing machine and assignments to be done). Made it to his house (as it was my turn to go there) about 8.30pm, tired and hungry. I told him I'd had a busy day and also had a text off dd's father regarding money (again). He pays minimum maintenance but I pay the mortgage and have been for 8 years since he left. Our financial issues have never been sorted regarding sale of the house. So by this point feeling pretty drained. My dd rang and it was 10pm. He took my phone and said she's up too late, your mum can deal with it. I thought he was joking so I got up and rang her back. He then said they're up too late, I have been thinking this for a while, they need sleep. I said it's late getting in every night from activities, by the time they shower, I pack lunches, we chat, yes it's 9pm gone. Well it's too late he said. I have rang you before at 9.30/10 and my eldest (13) has been up on her phone. That's another thing he said, you don't limit screen time, it's not healthy for your 10 year old to go on her phone first thing in the morning. I got a bit defensive and he said it's constructive criticism, I should be able to take it. I explained they're my dd's and I have raised them completely alone. He has no idea so shouldn't judge me. These are petty things. He then said well there is one more thing, your eldest can be rude. I said how. He said when you have the radio on in the kitchen, she comes in watching YouTube on her phone. I said it's her house. He said well it's rude, you should tell her to turn it off as you have music on. I can recall this day because he commented and left early without eating with us that day. It must have annoyed him that much.
Sorry it's long but I just needed to talk about it. Im new to the whole relationship thing. Single for 7 years before I met him. I drove home crying. I need someone's support not constructive criticism. If my girls were rude to him or anyone, they would be told. They have their stroppy moments but they're polite and well mannered. Yes they go on their phones alot, stay up a bit later but I feel I am doing the best I can. We have meal times together, days out, girly pamper nights, I'm the one sat doing homework with them, driving them to their activities every night, listening to their problems, listening to their happy stories whilst trying to study/work. Their father does nothing. Why would this guy, out of everything I do pick out what he thinks is wrong?
He said he wasn't judging me. What was he doing then? What was the point in the conversation. He went to bed, I left. He hasn't even contacted me this morning.
Am I overreacting? I struggle on my own, some days I'm exhausted so yes, if someone picks on what I do as a mum, as being wrong, I feel defensive. I just didn't want to face him.....so I left. Right or wrong?

OP posts:
Namechanger1404 · 29/04/2018 01:15

What a tosser. Whatever your parenting ‘style’ he has absolutely no right to criticise it, who the hell does he think he is! No way would anyone criticise my kids, I’d never do that so wouldn’t expect it back.

He’s a controller alright, don’t let him sweet talk you back in, dump him from a great height OP. Get your degree and the world is your oyster..

How bloody dare heAngry

Onecutefox · 29/04/2018 08:52

I also think the OP should text him to say that it's over otherwise he may turn up at her doorsteps (with flowers) and will try to persuade her to stay. He doesn't know it's over and is probably sulking.

lifebegins50 · 29/04/2018 09:00

Op, hope you are doing ok?

Bubblesandcake · 29/04/2018 09:24

Morning everyone 😊 thankyou.
Lifebegin50 - Yes, I'm ok 😊 thankyou for asking.
I know some have mentioned telling him it's over. I know I have to. Yesterday was not a nice day. I tried to stay busy as I felt quite upset. Only avoiding as I wasn't quite sure how. It made my stomach turn thinking about it. I don't know if I should call him as sending a text isn't nice is it? I don't want to get into a conversation with him as I feel it will upset me.
He most definitely won't turn up with flowers. He bought me flowers on our 2nd date and ever since I have bought my own haha. I know what he's like he won't turn up and he will do all he can to avoid talking about what happened. He never sees my side of any story or listens that much. He may not do anything. Maybe I should just do nothing until/if he contacts me. That feels easier for me.

OP posts:
motorpink · 29/04/2018 09:26

OMG I can't believe you haven't ended it already.

Send him a text. You don't owe him anything. You certainly don't have to call because it's 'nicer'

Fuck that. He was an absolute arsehole to both you and your DC.

Text him and tell him to GTF

TERFragetteCity · 29/04/2018 09:28

Maybe I should just do nothing until/if he contacts me.

I wouldn't do anything - if he does contact you say 'Oh dear. You may not have realised it, but we are not in a relationship any more. Fuckity bye now'

NameWithChamge · 29/04/2018 09:28

Morning.

I would do just that.

He knows you left upset and has done/said nothing.

You don't need to explain yourself to him anyway. And he is showing that he isn't really that interested (his loss).

Try to keep yourself busy with other things and not dwell on it too much. Onwards and upwards!

Cricrichan · 29/04/2018 09:35

Never speak to him again or text him that it's over. The more you say about him the more awful he sounds. Towards you in the main but now starting with your children. That was lucky because it seems to me you were prepared to put up with it when his behaviour was only questionable towards you but when he started on your children, you immediately did something about it.

LiteraryDevil · 29/04/2018 09:36

Yep text and tell him exactly why you are dumping his controlling ass then block and delete. You'll feel relief afterwards I imagine. I did.

itsgoodtobehome · 29/04/2018 09:44

I would just leave it. He has not contacted you, and you don’t owe him any explanation. Just don’t contact him and assume that it is now over.

lifebegins50 · 29/04/2018 09:57

Mixed opinions about contact...I think it depends on what works for you.Will you feel better if there is a definite line in the sand by texting? My instinct would be to text so that I could move on..however be prepared for a response so word it that no response needed.

I think text is better and fine on this occasion as not a "out of the blue" dumping.Don't worry about manners here!

All your instincts were working for you in this relationship but you may have learned to ignore them (result of an invalidating childhood). Look up info on Empath, you might be someone who is highly attuned to feelings and have a strong internal critic so you doubt yourself.A symptom is also that you can become quickly attached to people so find break ups hard to shrug off.Empaths often work in the caring profession.

Post on Legal re the house...if you get it sorted it will be another item you don't have to worry about and reduce your stress and mental load.

Onecutefox · 29/04/2018 10:08

No need to tell him why. This relationship isn't working for me and my daughters. It's over. All the best.

category12 · 29/04/2018 10:29

He's probably waiting for you to apologise as a pp suggested. It'll probably confuse the life out of him when you don't.

lardass88 · 29/04/2018 10:37

Oh god. I'd NEED to text and talk
Him his sorry ass is dumped!
And not feel guilty ONE little bit doing it by text... you don't owe him
Anything x

TheStoic · 29/04/2018 10:44

I know some have mentioned telling him it's over. I know I have to.

No, you really don’t. Nothing would drive him crazier than not hearing from you again.

Dozer · 29/04/2018 10:48

Your latest post gives further reasons to end the relationship.

Namechanger1404 · 29/04/2018 10:51

I think the only reason you shouldn’t speak to him, is because you’re quite vulnerable at the moment, and could be swayed by any ‘grovelling’ behaviour.

This man is not right for you (or anyone is sounds likeHmm) at least it’s been a short while and he’s not living with you.

I’d have told him to mind his own fucking business from the off, but then I’m used to defending myself against controlling people.

Good luck OP, despite all his arsehole ways, you must still be feeling horridFlowers

Bubblesandcake · 29/04/2018 11:12

Thankyou everyone.
He has called twice. I didn't pick up. The reason is I find it hard to explain myself as he never understands. I tried to explain that night and he had an answer, making him appear right all of the time. So in the end I just didn't say anything. Its no good explaining my feelings towards his comments all over again. I also feel sick in having to tell him it's over. I have never had to do this before. He then sent a text saying 'are you not talking to me?'. I have ignored it. Oh this is horrible 😔

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 29/04/2018 11:16

Oh dear. Can’t you send him a text. “This isn’t working out for me. I don’t want to see you anymore.” Then when he asks you why you can tell him you tried that and repeat your first text again?

Dozer · 29/04/2018 11:17

You don’t need to explain yourself to him. He doesn’t need to agree with your decision to end the relationship. Previous posters have suggested texts/things to say that don’t get into the reasons.

Dozer · 29/04/2018 11:18

But it’d be polite to speak to him on the phone or text to let him know.

cordelia16 · 29/04/2018 11:18

To get full closure and peace of mind, I would text him that it's over. No reason other than that it's not working for you anymore.

If you just keep ignoring, it'll be weighing on your mind. Why put yourself through that extra stress? End it and then move on.

If he keeps calling then block him.

OnTheRise · 29/04/2018 11:23

I don't think you have to talk to him to tell him it's over. In fact, given that you've said he doesn't listen to you, talks over you, and insists he's always right, I don't think it would be wise for you to try.

Send him a text. Tell him you don't want to see him again, and you don't want to hear from him again. Then block him everywhere. You don't have to explain this to him, and you don't have to see him or talk to him.

Branleuse · 29/04/2018 11:25

you dont have to text him if you dont want to. You can ghost him. I think thats fine tbh in the circumstances, although i think youd have more closure if you texted him that you were feeling that the relationship wasnt going to work, and youd rather not see him anymore, but good luck etc

BewareOfDragons · 29/04/2018 11:26

At this point, I agree that you should just text him.

Tell him that there's no point in talking to him as he never actually hears you and that the relationship is over.