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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I drove home at midnight so upset....

362 replies

Bubblesandcake · 28/04/2018 09:55

He thinks I was overreacting.
Been with a guy for 5 months, he met my 2 dd's a month ago. On the first occasion lovely. 2nd he joked about sending them to their dads. My dd's see their dad every other sunday. He has no other interest in them (school, activities etc). He won't take them anywhere or buy them anything. He doesn't co-parent put it that way. It's something I have had to get used to. Anyway, this guy knows this. He knows I am a single parent, working and also a student nurse. I juggle life and kids on my own and some days could do with just a cuddle. Anyway yesterday, was one of those days. Dd's went to see my mum (lots of running around before hand - party presents, outfits, broken car, broken washing machine and assignments to be done). Made it to his house (as it was my turn to go there) about 8.30pm, tired and hungry. I told him I'd had a busy day and also had a text off dd's father regarding money (again). He pays minimum maintenance but I pay the mortgage and have been for 8 years since he left. Our financial issues have never been sorted regarding sale of the house. So by this point feeling pretty drained. My dd rang and it was 10pm. He took my phone and said she's up too late, your mum can deal with it. I thought he was joking so I got up and rang her back. He then said they're up too late, I have been thinking this for a while, they need sleep. I said it's late getting in every night from activities, by the time they shower, I pack lunches, we chat, yes it's 9pm gone. Well it's too late he said. I have rang you before at 9.30/10 and my eldest (13) has been up on her phone. That's another thing he said, you don't limit screen time, it's not healthy for your 10 year old to go on her phone first thing in the morning. I got a bit defensive and he said it's constructive criticism, I should be able to take it. I explained they're my dd's and I have raised them completely alone. He has no idea so shouldn't judge me. These are petty things. He then said well there is one more thing, your eldest can be rude. I said how. He said when you have the radio on in the kitchen, she comes in watching YouTube on her phone. I said it's her house. He said well it's rude, you should tell her to turn it off as you have music on. I can recall this day because he commented and left early without eating with us that day. It must have annoyed him that much.
Sorry it's long but I just needed to talk about it. Im new to the whole relationship thing. Single for 7 years before I met him. I drove home crying. I need someone's support not constructive criticism. If my girls were rude to him or anyone, they would be told. They have their stroppy moments but they're polite and well mannered. Yes they go on their phones alot, stay up a bit later but I feel I am doing the best I can. We have meal times together, days out, girly pamper nights, I'm the one sat doing homework with them, driving them to their activities every night, listening to their problems, listening to their happy stories whilst trying to study/work. Their father does nothing. Why would this guy, out of everything I do pick out what he thinks is wrong?
He said he wasn't judging me. What was he doing then? What was the point in the conversation. He went to bed, I left. He hasn't even contacted me this morning.
Am I overreacting? I struggle on my own, some days I'm exhausted so yes, if someone picks on what I do as a mum, as being wrong, I feel defensive. I just didn't want to face him.....so I left. Right or wrong?

OP posts:
KittyintheCity · 28/04/2018 16:46

My dds do ALL the same things as yours do - bed too late, too much screen time, screen time first thing in the morning, watch videos when I have radio on - but it is a parent’s right and decision to do what you think is best. We all have limits and red lines in areas we think is important, but I think that if my dds are good, honest, well-behaved kids, who have respect, who work hard at school, who listen to me when I say something important, and who are not mean to their friends, then I am happy to let other stuff go. None of us are perfect parents and there is no rule book for bringing up kids. We are all just doing our best, in a highly pressurized world.

I would steer clear of this new guy. Why bring someone into your already hectic life who is going to make it even harder than it already is? A partner should be bringing joy and happiness into your life, relieving your burdens and making you feel secure and happy in yourself. This guy seems to be doing exactly the opposite. And if you let him (or anyone) come between you and your kids, they will end up resenting you.

It is quite easy to see why he is single. Don’t be the mug who settles for less.

With regards to your financial situation, phone a couple of solicitors and they should be able to point you in the direction of some free resource.

Good luck x

Chocmallows · 28/04/2018 17:05

This "I'm losing the expectations of what it would have been like to finally find someone" resonates with me.

I dated someone for around 7 months and we had dated previously, you get into a "this could be longterm" territory and then it's harder when it ends as the dream goes too.

The flip side is that you are free to refocus on your needs and when you are in a position to date again you need someone to value what you are and do, not be judgmental. Can you tell I have been watching Amy Young and Matthew Hussey You tube videos?

LiteraryDevil · 28/04/2018 18:06

Red flags. Run. Never allow someone to criticise your parenting. He's controlling and will only get worse. I speak from experience.

Petalflowers · 28/04/2018 18:11

bubbles - just read your update. Well done.

myidentitymycrisis · 28/04/2018 18:25

Good riddance. he wants you, and he resents your children.
NEVER contact him again.

Discombobulated42 · 28/04/2018 18:36

🌹🌹🌹 I've been there, single mum. Working, studying, running a home. You deserve do much better. 🌹🌹🌹

expatinscotland · 28/04/2018 18:45

Don't contact him again or allow him to talk to you. He'll twist everything round, you misunderstood, give him another chance, blah blah blah. Listen to what your gut is telling you. Just block and delete. Someone so selfish probably won't come round, it'd cost him money! Then you'd owe him one. Doesn't even want to see you unless there's something in it for him. Loser!

MrsLemonadeBrain · 28/04/2018 18:49

Honestly ltb

TuTru · 28/04/2018 18:51

Let him go. You don’t need him xx

Helpmeplan · 28/04/2018 18:58

Tell him to jog on. You deserve better

ferretyfeet · 28/04/2018 19:08

I never usually comment on things I read on here.but I would just like to say you sound like a great mum,your children sound happy and well adjusted, do not let this plonker ruin it.I would send you flowers but I don't know how. Good luck for the future

Wadingthroughshit · 28/04/2018 19:21

My ex was like this, among other criticisms ...it has left scars deeper than I care to admit just now. You cannot be in a relationship with someone who has already started criticising the way you parent and your children, it will as previous posters have said, drive a wedge if it continued.
You’re doing grand, and you don’t need to be driving home at midnight in tears, I’ve been there too...it is soul destroying. In short, you don’t need this man.

Bubblesandcake · 28/04/2018 19:26

Hi everyone!
I just want to say (again) thankyou all so much. Thankyou to those, for your kind words 😊
He didn't call or text. I haven't either. I guess I left so he's not happy with me but I am glad I did. He knows I was upset. He clearly isn't concerned but I'm not shocked here. If he contacts me, I will tell him it's not going to work. Until then, I will leave it.

OP posts:
LiteraryDevil · 28/04/2018 19:33

That's great OP but I would honestly just tell him it's over. He's waiting for you to apologise because he'll believe he's done no wrong. Whilst he knows you're upset he won't understand why and think you are over reacting. It's best to make it very clear that you are finished with him then do the old block and delete. Social media too. You don't deserve his shit. I've just got rid of a guy like this who started off with small "helpful" comments that ended with him calling my 3 yo a shit to my face. I've since realised he was controlling in other ways too and I bet if you think about things there'll be other instances of attempts to control, even subtlety. I wish I'd put it all together sooner. You sound lovely, strong and a determined person. You deserve so much more than he can give. Hope you're ok Thanks

Hazandduck · 28/04/2018 19:36

Oh my word OP I would absolutely LOVE to see him cope with bringing up two daughters alone! You don’t need that shit, you sound like a wonderful mother. I hope I have a similar relationship with my DD when she is older xx

expatinscotland · 28/04/2018 19:40

I'd go ahead and ghost him. He'll come back with some PA bullshit when he realises you aren't going to play ball with him.

OnTheRise · 28/04/2018 19:43

It's best to make it very clear that you are finished with him then do the old block and delete.

I agree. Get rid.

Ryder63 · 28/04/2018 19:43

He's waiting for you to apologise because he'll believe he's done no wrong

I think this too. Better, as LiteraryDevil says, to make it clear it's over, and block/delete on everything.

Of course, you may be waiting for HIM to apologise, as you don't really want to end it, and are hoping your silence will make him realise he was in the wrong, and you can both move on from this together?

TemptressofWaikiki · 28/04/2018 19:49

That dude sounds majorly controlling besides his unreasonable behaviour and attitude to your kids. Taking your phone and preventing you from answering a call from your own daughter would have had me fight hard not to slap him. I have a very low tolerance for such a guy. But he actually sounds very entitled and overbearing around you after reading your updates. He seems to have started the process of trying to drive a wedge between you and your kids and forcing you to take sides, i.e. his. As for you mentioning, you always felt on edge, yep, he was obviously trying to chip away at you and working to undermine your confidence while gradually ramping up towards emotional abuse. Negging and dismissing your valid experiences are really big red flags. I am pretty sure that he is deliberately not in contact, expecting you to become worried and thus making you even more pliable in future. I would not be surprised if he eventually got in touch, expecting you to apologise and grovel, thinking that he is one major step closer in controlling you. I’d not bother getting in touch and just delete his number and contact details. You don’t owe him any explanation.

JustHereForThePooStories · 28/04/2018 20:01

He has known your children for a month and is trying to control how they’re allowed behave in their own home.

Prize prick.

You’re well rid, OP.

Alpineflowers · 28/04/2018 20:38

This post made my blood run cold

Yes his wholly innapropriate behaviour toward children is sinister even?
Attempting to cut off communication between a mother and her childen ? Ordering you and your children about? Loud alarm bells, big red waving flags, danger ahead.
You sound like a great mum OP. You are right to trust your 'instincts'. Block him

lardass88 · 28/04/2018 22:00

The fact that he hasn't even contacted you knowing you were upset would piss me right off. I'd sent a text ending it.
What a dick

mapaca · 28/04/2018 22:08

Well done for realising that he's no good and getting the hell out of there. It's not his place to offer any criticism of your parenting this early on, "constructive" or otherwise. What an arrogant dick. Also, a loving partner does not make you feel "on edge" constantly. Keep chasing that warm and fuzzy feeling, the right man will come along. You are doing a great job.

Embracingtheunkown · 28/04/2018 22:34

You are doing the right thing. I wish I had of had your sense and strength 8 years ago, instead I allowed my now DH to dictate my relationship with dc. I now have 2 more dc with DH and I’m trying to find a quiet way to leave .
Stay strong!

Dappledsunlight · 28/04/2018 23:51

You dodged a bullet there. It's fortunate he's shown you his truly awful colours. God, imagine how his "constructive " criticism would ramp up the longer you stayed. No wonder you bolted. Correct decision. Now do the official dumping.