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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I drove home at midnight so upset....

362 replies

Bubblesandcake · 28/04/2018 09:55

He thinks I was overreacting.
Been with a guy for 5 months, he met my 2 dd's a month ago. On the first occasion lovely. 2nd he joked about sending them to their dads. My dd's see their dad every other sunday. He has no other interest in them (school, activities etc). He won't take them anywhere or buy them anything. He doesn't co-parent put it that way. It's something I have had to get used to. Anyway, this guy knows this. He knows I am a single parent, working and also a student nurse. I juggle life and kids on my own and some days could do with just a cuddle. Anyway yesterday, was one of those days. Dd's went to see my mum (lots of running around before hand - party presents, outfits, broken car, broken washing machine and assignments to be done). Made it to his house (as it was my turn to go there) about 8.30pm, tired and hungry. I told him I'd had a busy day and also had a text off dd's father regarding money (again). He pays minimum maintenance but I pay the mortgage and have been for 8 years since he left. Our financial issues have never been sorted regarding sale of the house. So by this point feeling pretty drained. My dd rang and it was 10pm. He took my phone and said she's up too late, your mum can deal with it. I thought he was joking so I got up and rang her back. He then said they're up too late, I have been thinking this for a while, they need sleep. I said it's late getting in every night from activities, by the time they shower, I pack lunches, we chat, yes it's 9pm gone. Well it's too late he said. I have rang you before at 9.30/10 and my eldest (13) has been up on her phone. That's another thing he said, you don't limit screen time, it's not healthy for your 10 year old to go on her phone first thing in the morning. I got a bit defensive and he said it's constructive criticism, I should be able to take it. I explained they're my dd's and I have raised them completely alone. He has no idea so shouldn't judge me. These are petty things. He then said well there is one more thing, your eldest can be rude. I said how. He said when you have the radio on in the kitchen, she comes in watching YouTube on her phone. I said it's her house. He said well it's rude, you should tell her to turn it off as you have music on. I can recall this day because he commented and left early without eating with us that day. It must have annoyed him that much.
Sorry it's long but I just needed to talk about it. Im new to the whole relationship thing. Single for 7 years before I met him. I drove home crying. I need someone's support not constructive criticism. If my girls were rude to him or anyone, they would be told. They have their stroppy moments but they're polite and well mannered. Yes they go on their phones alot, stay up a bit later but I feel I am doing the best I can. We have meal times together, days out, girly pamper nights, I'm the one sat doing homework with them, driving them to their activities every night, listening to their problems, listening to their happy stories whilst trying to study/work. Their father does nothing. Why would this guy, out of everything I do pick out what he thinks is wrong?
He said he wasn't judging me. What was he doing then? What was the point in the conversation. He went to bed, I left. He hasn't even contacted me this morning.
Am I overreacting? I struggle on my own, some days I'm exhausted so yes, if someone picks on what I do as a mum, as being wrong, I feel defensive. I just didn't want to face him.....so I left. Right or wrong?

OP posts:
whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 29/04/2018 18:42

A future with him and the walls would be closing in.

Get shot of him. He's an abuser!

LiteraryDevil · 29/04/2018 18:43

Does nobody read OP updates??

SHE'S ALREADY DUMPED HIM!!!!!

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 29/04/2018 18:45

He replied and asked if she wanted to see his shed. He's not given up!

backsackcraic · 29/04/2018 19:05

He sounds like someone you don't need in your life. What you do need is a solicitor and some advice re the mortgage. You also need to make a will. Despite you paying the mortgage and ex not contributing if house is in joint names equity could be split 50/50 when you come to sort it all out.

You sound like a fantastic mum, keep doing what you're doing x

Bubblesandcake · 29/04/2018 19:07

Some lovely stories 😊
Yes, i do hope i find that one day.

Yes, I have ended it. Thankyou everyone for the past few days. I really needed it.

I know keep saying it but, thankyou for your kind words. So so lovely, and comforting.

OP posts:
Icantbelieve · 29/04/2018 19:13

All the best to you and your kids OP Smile

eddielizzard · 29/04/2018 19:14

well sounds like he didn't have your back, put you down, didn't support you so good riddance. trust your instincts. you do deserve better than him and his shed Hmm

and he's pretending everything's fine and that if he carries on, eventually you'll go with it. i would consider blocking him so he can't send such inane texts.

AhhhhThatsBass · 29/04/2018 19:19

OP I have not read the full post but I echo what the first few have said, kick this guy to the kerb pronto.
On another note, off topic, try and sort the finances out with your ex husband asap. From what you said, I read that you’re paying a mortgage on a property that he still has a financial stake in with no input from him. So any equity you’re building up, he might be entitled to part of it which would be sickening on top of everything else.

LiteraryDevil · 29/04/2018 19:23

In years to come you'll be chatting to friends and say "oh yeah, remember shed guy?" And you'll laugh and sigh at your lucky escape.

pomers · 29/04/2018 19:33

Get rid now. You need someone who will support you. He will wear you down with his criticism until you are under his control . You and the girls will end up nervous wrecks. End it. Block him.

RhubarbTea · 29/04/2018 19:33

and he's pretending everything's fine and that if he carries on, eventually you'll go with it. i would consider blocking him so he can't send such inane texts.

Yes yes yes x100.

NameWithChamge · 29/04/2018 19:39

I hope he leaves you alone now @Bubblesandcake. You really aren't losing anything worthwhile. You will see that more clearly soon.

feelingfree17 · 29/04/2018 19:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Debbie73 · 29/04/2018 19:51

What an idiot ! Reminds me a bit of my Ds father whose had very little to do with him since he’s born . Forever lecturing and arguing with me on my parental techniques , thinks I’m way too soft and I let Ds get away with too much, he thinks his draconian hardline controlling techniques are the way to go . Hes so deluded he thinks he is father of the year material , but proofs in the pudding , he’s got grown up kids and none of them have anything to do with him , if he dropped dead tomorrow they wouldn’t careless , my Ds can’t stand him either .

mathanxiety · 29/04/2018 20:01

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mathanxiety · 29/04/2018 20:02

FOR THE HILLS.

MorriBuntz25 · 29/04/2018 20:03

This man is all wrong for you. End it now. You're amazing. Single mum and a student nurse. You're so amazing. The right man always comes along when you're not looking. You're children were there first. You're theirs and so is your home and you're routine is what they are used to. Life is to short to stress like this. Believe me. Do it all your way because that is the right way. Sending you lots of luck and love xx

WhatLineyDidNext · 29/04/2018 20:04

Oh, the Shed Gambit.

category12 · 29/04/2018 20:04

RTFT people. Hmm

Typeractive · 29/04/2018 20:08

I imagine your children will be very glad to have seen the last of him. He sounds horrible. I'm so glad you've binned him.

ToPlanZ · 29/04/2018 20:11

It's sounds like you've made the right decision based on his behaviour. All I can tell you is from personal experience. My mother met someone as we were in our late teens and early adulthood. He found it fine to make these kind of comments about our 'behaviour'. We went from being a relaxed close household, I was particularly close to her, to all four being either low or no contact. It's easy to think that's impossible because you value your kids most, but the drip, drip, drip effect of the small changes she made because of him added up to life altering consequences.

FaveNumberIs2 · 29/04/2018 20:12

Firstly, I agree with him about your daughter coming into the room playing YouTube vids while you are listening to the radio or tv. That is very rude. If you are in a room with the tv or radio on, the person coming in with phone in havecwatching vids should be wearing earplugs. We have that rule in our house and we all have multiple pairs of earphones.

On the rest of it, if you don’t want him to comment, then tell him to mind his own business or walk away until your kids have grown and you don’t need to “parent” them anymore.

expatinscotland · 29/04/2018 20:18

RTFT, Fave! She's already dumped him. And it's your opinion on whether it's rude or not for the DD to walk into a room playing YouTube when there's music on. The OP doesn't find it rude and it's her house.

Octopus37 · 29/04/2018 20:23

You sound like an awesome Mum, get out of the relationship and never look back. I have no respect for partner's who criticise their new partner's children and try and drive a wedge. As an adult my Dad's partner did this. Obviously very different for my Dad with adult children (me and my Sister) but after 11 years we are in a position where we can not longer phone him and have to make do with the occasional task. My Dad is nearly 80 so obviously is't going to be around forever and we have had next to no time together the last few years. Sorry for the hijack, but please get rid of this controlling man and dont let him come between you and your kids.

Lizzie48 · 29/04/2018 20:30

It's actually not the point whether the OP's DD was rude or not. The point was that it was a new relationship and it wasn't down to him to offer 'constructive criticism'. What about the way he snatched her phone to stop the OP speaking to her DD? It was wrong on all counts. This isn't a discussion about her parenting.