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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I drove home at midnight so upset....

362 replies

Bubblesandcake · 28/04/2018 09:55

He thinks I was overreacting.
Been with a guy for 5 months, he met my 2 dd's a month ago. On the first occasion lovely. 2nd he joked about sending them to their dads. My dd's see their dad every other sunday. He has no other interest in them (school, activities etc). He won't take them anywhere or buy them anything. He doesn't co-parent put it that way. It's something I have had to get used to. Anyway, this guy knows this. He knows I am a single parent, working and also a student nurse. I juggle life and kids on my own and some days could do with just a cuddle. Anyway yesterday, was one of those days. Dd's went to see my mum (lots of running around before hand - party presents, outfits, broken car, broken washing machine and assignments to be done). Made it to his house (as it was my turn to go there) about 8.30pm, tired and hungry. I told him I'd had a busy day and also had a text off dd's father regarding money (again). He pays minimum maintenance but I pay the mortgage and have been for 8 years since he left. Our financial issues have never been sorted regarding sale of the house. So by this point feeling pretty drained. My dd rang and it was 10pm. He took my phone and said she's up too late, your mum can deal with it. I thought he was joking so I got up and rang her back. He then said they're up too late, I have been thinking this for a while, they need sleep. I said it's late getting in every night from activities, by the time they shower, I pack lunches, we chat, yes it's 9pm gone. Well it's too late he said. I have rang you before at 9.30/10 and my eldest (13) has been up on her phone. That's another thing he said, you don't limit screen time, it's not healthy for your 10 year old to go on her phone first thing in the morning. I got a bit defensive and he said it's constructive criticism, I should be able to take it. I explained they're my dd's and I have raised them completely alone. He has no idea so shouldn't judge me. These are petty things. He then said well there is one more thing, your eldest can be rude. I said how. He said when you have the radio on in the kitchen, she comes in watching YouTube on her phone. I said it's her house. He said well it's rude, you should tell her to turn it off as you have music on. I can recall this day because he commented and left early without eating with us that day. It must have annoyed him that much.
Sorry it's long but I just needed to talk about it. Im new to the whole relationship thing. Single for 7 years before I met him. I drove home crying. I need someone's support not constructive criticism. If my girls were rude to him or anyone, they would be told. They have their stroppy moments but they're polite and well mannered. Yes they go on their phones alot, stay up a bit later but I feel I am doing the best I can. We have meal times together, days out, girly pamper nights, I'm the one sat doing homework with them, driving them to their activities every night, listening to their problems, listening to their happy stories whilst trying to study/work. Their father does nothing. Why would this guy, out of everything I do pick out what he thinks is wrong?
He said he wasn't judging me. What was he doing then? What was the point in the conversation. He went to bed, I left. He hasn't even contacted me this morning.
Am I overreacting? I struggle on my own, some days I'm exhausted so yes, if someone picks on what I do as a mum, as being wrong, I feel defensive. I just didn't want to face him.....so I left. Right or wrong?

OP posts:
MdNdD · 29/04/2018 20:31

You did right, it is not his place to tell you how to raise your children. The last thing a decent person would do after you've had a tricky day is criticise. Only a rubbish controlling person would see it as an opportunity to make you doubt yourself. Stay away.

DiamondsBestFriend · 29/04/2018 20:32

While I think that you are well rid given his attitude, I also think that expecting a man to want to co parent with you within a month of having met your children is extremely unreasonable.

The timeframe of introductions wouldn’t bother me, they’re teenS and generally I am of the belief that teenagers can meet a new man fairly soon in assuming it’s not a string of them Wink but co parenting is something which can only develop over time, and I would say years not weeks.

So while I think you did the right thing re getting rid, I do think you need to put some boundaries in place wrt your expectations.

category12 · 29/04/2018 20:35

OP wasn't expecting him to co-parent. Good grief.

SweetCheeks1980 · 29/04/2018 20:36

Although he has a point re screen time, and I also would have made the daughter turn off YouTube if you have music on, he seems to be saying this very early on in the relationship.

category12 · 29/04/2018 20:40

Quick round-up - OP has finished with the guy.

Lizzie48 · 29/04/2018 20:43

Exactly, the YouTube issue has taken on more prominence than it merited in the context of this thread. I would personally tell my DDs to turn it off in that context, or listen to it in their room. But the boyfriend had no place involving himself. It was the OP's house, it wasn't his place. It was one example among others of him overstepping the mark.

Teacher22 · 29/04/2018 20:46

It sounds as if this man could be a danger to your DDs.

Dhalandchips · 29/04/2018 20:50

Ducking, if you're my daughter, I'm sorry x

IWouldLikeToKnow · 29/04/2018 20:51

Well, I haven't RTFT as only coming to it now, but he should be "threatening" to send them to their dads. He might not be a great dad but he doesn't get to slag him off in front of them. And secondly, he certainly should be criticising your parenting. He sounds a little spoiled to be honest.

DamsonGin · 29/04/2018 20:51

Bet he's there thinking 'Can't believe the shed line didn't work'.

Lellikelly26 · 29/04/2018 20:56

People who don’t have kids are the best parents. He does sound like he doesn’t like your kids but I don’t think he would like anyone’s - the problem is his.
And I don’t think your kids stay up late for their ages at all. I work and by time everything is done in the evening, if I want to spend time with my kids they end up going to bed fairly late.
You sound like you’re doing a great job with everything.

IWouldLikeToKnow · 29/04/2018 21:03

*shouldn't, shouldn't, not should. Twice. He shouldn't be slagging their dad and shouldn't be criticising your parenting!!!

Willow2017 · 29/04/2018 21:03

I got as far as "he took my phone off me" and thought get rid and it just got worse!
Controlling ignorant asswipe. He has no clue about kids but is telling you how to parent sod that.

Its easy to get rid.
Send a txt (he will try to argue/call you names face to face i am sure) and say "i feel this is not going to work, my kids are my priority and I don't need you telling me how to parent them after all these years. And you know where to stick your constructive criticism. Bye".

You will do a million times better on your own without a pratt like this undermining you. He only does it to make himself feel better and you feel like shit. Its all a power trip.

Good luck. Dont let your ex make you think he is getting sfa if he hasnt contributed a thing in years. He can gtf too.

Hygge · 29/04/2018 21:05

Lellikelly OP says that father of the year actually has three DC's of his own.

I think you have a point all the same, he's probably an amazing parent in his own mind but I'd bet money his ex is doing the majority of the work for their kids while he picks fault and takes all the credit for the good bits.

flowerpott · 29/04/2018 21:16

OP, it sounds like you are doing an amazing job, and he sounds like a controlling, selfish and insensitive arsehole you are much better off without. You've absolutely done the right thing.

Agree with PP, just ignore him and ideally block, he'll likely keep trying to contact you (and I wouldn't be surprised if he tries to make out like you're making too big a deal out his comments, you're the one overreacting, etc). Most importantly: don't feel guilty, you don't owe him anything and you do not have to be nice!

I know it's hard to be on your own, but it really sounds like you're an incredible parent and role model to your DDs and you should be so proud. When it's right, you'll find somebody who recognises you for everything you are and cherishes you for it all. Xx

P.S. if he has nothing useful to say and it stresses you out, stop talking to ex. If you've paid the mortgage and raised two kids with minimal support, all you need is a good solicitor. He'll get his share of the deposit back, if he's lucky.

FaveNumberIs2 · 29/04/2018 21:29

@expatinscotland yeah, I know it's my opinion. Just because it's different to everyone else's doesn't make it wrong.

Sissyjd · 29/04/2018 21:31

He sounds just like a guy I dated...ive no dc but he offered same type of 'constructive' criticism about my lifestate, way I spoke, way I lived, my job, friends..gently chipping away at you trying to pretend it's constructive. ..run a mile as fast as you can!!..he sounds a sly nasty manipulative control freak!!

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 29/04/2018 21:43

Imho, I think it was a superiority thing. He was dismissive, degrading, and last worded you every time you spoke, regardless of topic. You finally chose silence.

Tit for tat point scoring is also competitive, ego driven, game playing.

None of this (criticism) was about you, Bubbles. You were just his latest ego (perhaps narcissistic-always having to be right?) supply- a cardboard cut out of yourself would be your future level of functioning-a slippery slope to depression that would take years to recover.

You are very well rid! Star Star Star

Walkaboutwendy · 29/04/2018 22:01

You've escaped!! Think of all the future special occasions he could have ruined with his fuck wittery.

The hills are that way >>>>>>> keep running and don't look back GrinGrin

manicmij · 29/04/2018 22:23

You have enough going on in your life, studying, working, children, finances, ex husband issues with DDs without someone who is obviously not interested in the whole package. If you are so upset it tells you something. Act on it, move on.

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 29/04/2018 22:43

Leave and never look back. He seems a controlling pillock.
That said, you don’t seem to be able to take criticism. Screen time first thing really isn’t healthy for a 10y/o. But 10pm bedtime for 13 year old is adequate.

Lorddenning1 · 29/04/2018 23:18

READ THE THREAD, SHE HAS ALREADY LEFT HIM!!!!!!!

alliwantforchristmasis · 29/04/2018 23:41

Op congrats on dumping him, I’m a step dad and I would have told you to dump the bast**d if everyone else hadn’t have told you that already. My OH was a single mum to 3 (1 Dsd, 2dss) she is an amazing mum and I would never criticise how she handles the kids. Yes I’ve told them off when it’s been needed and she wasn’t there to do it, but I would never criticise her. I have in the past bought my Dsd a set of headphones as she listens to YouTube a lot but even her mum buys them her. You know deep down in your heart that he wasn’t right for you but don’t give up trying to find someone.
Like the others have said sort your finances out first then the stress will be less on you.
Remember you are a lady and should be treated like one from a man who likes you, not like someone who is there to be shouted at/criticised at every available chance he gets.
Have fun kissing all the frogs till you find your Prince Charming.

Bexter801 · 30/04/2018 00:24

And on a different note,how sweet are you @arealliwantforchristmasis.... I want one of you for myself!

Bexter801 · 30/04/2018 00:26

Sorry made your name too long @alliwantforchristmasis