I think it’s happening again.

[AMillionKisses]

DP hasn’t been home, I’ve tried calling his phone his phone is ringing, when I was calling him around 11o’clock last night I was getting the busy tone, so he can talk to other people but avoid my calls?

He has a history of cheating, I break up with him but always let him back again.

I am tired of this, I’m also 7 months pregnant with our fourth child, when I fell pregnant he said he’d never hurt me again.

@SweetBabyJebus I know you may be feeling angry but can you please not saying things about my children, I would never say anything about your children or anyone else’s, my sons will it grow up to be abusive towards women, I’ll make sure of it.
@mzcracker I do want to leave him, I have been wanting to leave him for years but I know I would never be able to manage by myself, I can’t manage with three children all alone so how would I be able to manage with four?
@trickle14 I understand that I am annoying some of you here, but I am in the position where I can not leave him, my 12 year old has already got behavioural problems and has recently been excluded from school, the worst will only happen if I take him away from his dad.

So just to get this straight...he took DS to football, Then somewhere else (OW?) WITH DS, then “went upstairs”. Then dropped DS back home and left again?

Exactly as Teapot says - if he gives you something now (or has already) this can have massive consequences for your unborn child.

It is easy for people to say LTB, but proactive suggestions might be more useful. The OP has only known this man and from a very young age when she was vulnerable. She will be feeling very brow beaten and emotional. She is also not married and has little/no RL support.

CharlotteCollins gives good advice. Also go see Citizens Advice and also have a look at the Freedom Programme..

I made the decision to stay in a bad relationship many years longer than I should have. The only risk for me was my mental health, but I learnt to be strong enough to protect myself against that. What I hadn’t taken into account was how much it affected my DC.

You say you can’t manage on your own but that he only helps when he’s not tired.

@Bobs123 he took DS football training, I checked to see where they both were on the tracker, he would not answer his phone when I called back DS answered when I asked him where his dad was DS said he has gone upstairs, I don’t know where exactly is “upstairs” he dropped DS back (didn’t come into the house)

@AMillionKisses oh don't give me that. My son is autistic and I get by just fine bringing him up. I left his dad cos he was a cheating twat. Then he moved 120 miles away from us. And my ds is just fine too. Do you know why? Because I'm happy and not in a shitty relationship. There is literally no excuse big enough for you to stay. Absolutely none.

@SoaveSally, no they don’t know about their other brother.

Your 12year old has behavioural problems? i wonder why??? Maybe if he had a calm, stable homelilfe, where the father is not off screwing other women and the mum is not wringing her hands about it, he'd be more well-adjusted?

Kids know, they know there is something not right in the family - and PPs are right, your DH is exhibiting 'male role model' to him. He will go on to treat women like your DH treats you (and other women!) because it's his normal. And no-one, least of all you, has shown him that it is NOT ACCEPTABLE!

You say you will not allow him to grow up as an abuser like his father - how will you stop it? Tell him? Ask Him? Or SHOW HIM?

You really need to find the strength to leave him or you will live to regret it (and so will your children)

That will be a huge shit storm when they find out, which they will

Oh AMillionKisses give over! Keep telling yourself that. Nobody else believes it though.

If you won't do it for yourself, and you won't do it for your children, then what is the point? Stay there, humiliated and scorned by a man who hates you, who is teaching your vulnerable sons how to treat their future partners and ISN'T EVEN TRYING TO HIDE HIS ACTIONS ANYMORE. He's blatently shagging around and doesn't even give a shiney shit that you know??!! It beggers belief.

So I will judge. Because you have the power to change your situation. You just don't want to bother going to the effort. Meanwhile, it's your kids who will pay the price.

But there is no talking to you.

Please consider doing the freedom programme. Don't fall for the sunken cost fallacy.

Prove YOURSELF wrong. Your self worth is clearly on the floor and this is all you believe that you deserve. There are organisations out there that can help you.

Amillion In the short term, get an sti check as soon as you can.

Have a look at www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

It is an online course with down loads, so there will be no books lying around. Work through it and then see how you feel.

Will the baby qualify for nursery vouchers? A couple of mornings a week would maybe give you some relief from the pressure.

Benefits are there for a reason. If you need them, claim them. Are you at least getting Child Benefit?

What would your parents think if they knew how badly he treats you?

It is not normal for a child to be excluded from school, especially primary. That sort of behaviour doesn’t come from nowhere. He is clearly being affected by the unhappy home he is growing up in.

From your other thread you sounded like a mother who was struggling but determined to help her son. I assumed you were single as from what I can remember there was no mention of a DP helping you support your son. From this thread I get a completely different impression of you, you come across very naive in thinking that a 12 year old child (or even much younger) wouldn’t be able to pick up on and be affected by your relationship with their dad.

You need to make a change, sooner rather than later.

I know you may be feeling angry but can you please not saying things about my children, I would never say anything about your children or anyone else’s, my sons will it grow up to be abusive towards women, I’ll make sure of it

And how are you going to do that without taking away the male role model.

I can't manage with three children all alone so how would I be able to manage with four

You don't know what you can manage till you try. Given how dismissive he is of you no wonder you don't feel you can cope. Friends who have separated from their dhs find how much easier they find coping without having an extra out of control "adolescent" to worry about
Think about the amount of hours in the last 24 hours your dh has been at the front of your mind or just thinking about what he is up to.
Think about it in the next 24hours how much brain space you will give him.
Then think about how much more time you will have to organise yourself if you don't have a "5th child" to worry about.

my 12 year old has already got behavioural problems and has recently been excluded from school, the worst will only happen if I take him away from his dad

But staying is going to make him better?

This is a reaction to your current situation. He us already covering for his df. He knows exactly what is going on and if you stay the others will be doing the same thing.

Staying is producing a child who has behavioural issues.

Just checked. You aren't married yet you are talking about a lifestyle, remaining in the family home. You do realise you don't own anything.

Prediction on how your life will turn out if you don't leave.
Your ds's will grow up and treat you like shit. They will be dismissive of anything and everything you say and will treat their wives or gfs the same. They have a male role model that has shown them time and time again that is what you do and you have shown them there is no consequences to their behaviour.

Then your dp will fall head over heels for someone and at the age of 40+ you will be out on your own. No home, no money, no children, no family, no friends.

If this is the lifestyle you want then you are going in the right direction.

olivers has it. Unfortunately

Children learn by example. Whether you like it or not.

@Weezol I would never put my newborn into nursery, I do not claim any benefits. My parents would be very upset if they knew what I was going through.

@Oliversmumsarmy Even if I did decide to leave, my 12 year old wouldn’t leave with me and I wouldn’t be able to force him, I am not financially dependent on him, my parents send me money every single month which is enough.

I have not long got back from the supermarket, I’ve asked my 12 year old what he meant when he said that his dad went upstairs, I asked him upstairs where? In a house, where? He just shrugged his shoulders, I don’t know whether he is doing it to wind me up or dad has told him not to say anything.

If you're not financially dependent on him, then staying is even less understandable. Hiding what's going from your parents and choosing this life of him cheating on you with apparently the knowledge of your elder son ( can't think why he has behavioural issues),. And then there's a secret brother. Yes, far better life choices than dumping his arse.

@category12 he behavioural problems were mostly at school, some children just don’t like school. His behaviour is manageable at home.

Sounds like you a making excuses OP. You have parental control over your 12 year old.

You couldn't manage with 4? I did ..after a left my abusive twat of an ex.
Many many women leave and manage with 4 children and more.

It is not normal for a child to be excluded from school, especially primary

12 years old is secondary school in the UK.

OP... your 12 year old is already like his dad. Ignoring you and going upstairs. He knows exactly where his dad was .... but he can just ignore you like his dad does. He's seeing how women get treated.

You won't like to hear it ...but children are a product of their environment. Your sons are the husbands and partners of the future. What are they learning from the make role model in their life?

I tried to give gentle, constructive suggestions of things to consider at home while deciding what you can do without leaving immediately, as have other posters.

Your responses to people trying to help have been obtuse at best and patronising at worst.

I get it now - you're better than us because you have a private income and don't need to endure the indignity of accepting benefits. I mean, staying where you are, repeatedly contracting STI's and screwing up four kids is way better than leaving with your independent income and actually claiming a benefit pretty much every parent on this board is entitled to.

Given that you want change but will take no action to bring about that change, I guess you'd better suck it up. Welcome to the rest of your life.

@SandyY2K I know he is just like his dad.
@Weezol I do not think I’m better than anyone here or anyone so please don’t say that, things are so hard for me he is draining me.

Sandy - other thread by this OP revealed her son was also excluded from primary school.

OP - many children don’t like school. They are not excluded several times though.