I think it’s happening again.

[AMillionKisses]

DP hasn’t been home, I’ve tried calling his phone his phone is ringing, when I was calling him around 11o’clock last night I was getting the busy tone, so he can talk to other people but avoid my calls?

He has a history of cheating, I break up with him but always let him back again.

I am tired of this, I’m also 7 months pregnant with our fourth child, when I fell pregnant he said he’d never hurt me again.

I understand that you are at your lowest and are letting out how you are feeling but remember your son is doing exactly the same.

His behaviour is because he's struggling. It's not stuff and trips that will make him happy. He needs more but I think you're having trouble giving that - not a criticism, I think you are just so unhappy yourself you're all over the place so not really in a position to help anyone else.

Would you consider family therapy/counselling (you and your son/children)?

It sounds so dysfunctional. I think you want to make it right with your son but don't know how. Involving a trained intermediary might help.

Wow I can't believe this is still going on. Just going from one self absorbed drama to the next.

OP do you actually want to take any advice on here?

Honestly all it sounds like is you are mad that things haven't worked out between you and your husband and you are taking it out on your children

@Bobs123 he has been going unpunished for years, maybe if I started taking things away from him he wouldn’t have got this far, I’m just tired of him, it happened last week I just don’t understand why he has done this, he said he wanted to go to his grans then he changed his mind and said he wanted to stay at home, before he left this morning he told me what meal he wanted me to cook for him this evening, we spoke through text (he messaged me hi first and asked if I was ok) I think maybe he wants to stay with his nan because I asked him to call his dad, or maybe he had no intension coming back, I just don’t understand why he would tell me what he wanted to eat later.

Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow, I want to wake up with a clearer mind, feeling really down right now, I wanted to call him and ask how his day was/what he did and to tell him goodnight, I hope his gran brings him home tomorrow/or calls me to collect him.

ummm kids change their minds. I would imagine he’s had a good talk to his Nan and is trying to think things through. So it’s best he stays there.

However he should not be punished for what he said to his Nan.

Being a parent is being consistent. It’s not letting them get away with things for ages and then coming down hard when you’re feeling pissed off. It’s not saying how much you love them one mi ute and then you don’t want them the next. And most of all it’s putting your own feelings aside and doing what’s best for them

I think going to his football tournament away from the family would be the best thing for him and you.

I think whilst you tell him you love him you are also telling him you don't and saying you wish he wasn't born.

He is not an adult and neither are you. There is no boundaries between you, your partner and your dc. All of them are being used as pawns in some weird power play between you and your partner. You trying to catch him out using the dc and him not answering his phone knowing you will be worried about where they are.

You cannot bring your 12 year old into trying to catch his father in flagrante and expect him to not react.

I thought I would wake with a clearer mind today, but I haven’t. I don’t want my 12 year old coming back here (well not yet anyway) I think it is best that he stays with his gran I think him being away will make me much calmer, I won’t have to worry about upsetting him, and right now I feel as if I can’t trust him.

Is it normal to feel like this?

How you feeling today op now that you've had a sleep?

Ooops sorry just seen your update, sorry that you have woken up feeling like this, maybe see if she can have him for a few hours today so you can try and clear your head as you have had a stressful week and I'm sure it has taken it out of you let alone also be pregnant, and then this afternoon/evening all have a lovely family meal together and when you get the young ones to bed try and have a one on one chat with your 12year old and let him know how much you love him etc...I think maybe the reason why he's spoken to his nan might be because he doesn't want to stress you out as he could be sencing that your stressed out at the moment anyway and he probably just needed to let his steam off? Maybe..

@Purpleneonpinkunicorns hi good morning, my son is not here he is with his gran, I’m his mum she didn’t even ask if it was ok for him to stay over, I feel so powerless. I just hope that this feeling will pass, I thought I’d feel better today. DP didn’t come home last week, I’m glad because I don’t want to see him.

Morning, i am aware as I've been following your thread haha but it's still early lol, oh I didn't know she didn't ask you if he could stay over though mustn't of read that part, I wouldn't feel powerless as you have come so far within the last week so you should be proud of yourself for overcoming some of the things you have, try and get him home later on today and maybe have one on one time with him and watch aovie or something he likes doing? (Just a idea)..your his mum so he'll always love you, so have you got a idea yet when your parents are coming yet? And have you told your dp your plan or you gonna just stay 'normal' and then go do it without telling him..(I personally would make out everything is fine and not tell him but that's me)

@Purpleneonpinkunicorns they said they would try and get here before the end of the month, he knows everything isn’t fine between me and him, I have told him I’m moving but he doesn’t believe me.

Brilliant and they also should be here for when your new buddle of joy comes :) also..well if he doesn't believe you it's going to be his tough luck ain't it lol.. just keep your head held high and keep strong as you have tons of support on here..I know some people have been awful to you but ignore the haters as they aren't worth it and there not standing in your shoes..I think k your doing really well and I'm always available for a chat if you need one.. have you 🐝 lucking up houses near you or you thinking of a different county x

I think you need to have a convo with your 12 yr old. He shouldn’t be worrying about you. He’s obviously very confused about what is happening around him, as well as entering puberty. He’s very vulnerable.
As for your partner, he’s playing mental games with you. I’d be furious if a woman was looking after my 4yr old that I didn’t know. However, stop ringing them and giving attention. Shows your partner he’s in control. Take it back. I know it might be hard but pretend nothing he does bothers you. Will drive him nuts, instead of you. Think of that baby in your tummy.

I agree that getting your ds back today and having a conversation that tells him he is loved and apologise for being stressed.

Keep everything to yourself. Don't tell your ds anything.

I was saying that letting him go on his football trip will mean he is out of the environment where his mum and dad are arguing over him and his mum and GM are arguing over him and he is being drawn into playing go between for 2 adults.

Use the trip to press the reset button in your relationship with him and I might be projecting but keepinp him out of his gm's hands because when the shit hits the fan this woman will not be your friend and if ds is living there it could be awkward getting him back and your partners influence will eventually ruin your ds's life.

Go bring your son home, he loves you, he will be very confused and needs to feel loved.

Let him go on his trip, once his dad isn’t around he will feel more pressure to be the man of the house, he is a child.

Stop telling anyone you are leaving, you need to keep your stress levels low and your cards close to your chest.

How lovely that your parents will soon be with you.

Contact social services and let them know you need some support, they can put you in touch with agency’s to help you. I’d also speak to the school and let them know. Take as much support offered as you can.

Your parenting is all over the place. You're giving them gifts to make up for their shite dad and then taking away trips etc to punish for behaviour that has become ingrained because of POOR PARENTING.

You need to get smarter. Come on. Stop wasting away over this absolute arsepiece of a man. Go live your own life on your own terms.

Kids don't really care about stuff or things. What makes them happy is being in a happy, caring environment. When they are older they will understand.

But at the end of the day you are the parent. You need to stand up and be counted here because this is the worst case of absolute doormatting that I have ever heard of.

Oh God. I think I pretty much was your 12 year old son. My parents both cheated. When my sister was 5 a classmate told her about how my Dad read her a bedtime story every night when he went round to see her Mum. He never read us a bedtime story. Never. It absolutely broke my sisters heart.

Then my Mum started confiding in me when I was 12. It was horrible. She told me way too much stuff.

She also in a roundabout way told us that she never wanted children. You told your son that you wished you hadn't had him. Why would you ever say that? You called him a horrible boy. You took away something that he was really looking forward to. That's just horrible.

Your situation is really messed up. I can relate to it so much. My parents broke me. I'm a bit of a wreck. I have been diagnosed with anxiety, OCD and depression. I'm stressed all the time. I've never slept through the night. Like never. I wake up in a panic every night.

You are damaging your children. You know you are.

Neither my siblings nor I have any idea of how normal relationships work. My siblings have both been cheated on and treated like shite. They've been in horrible relationships. We've had no model of healthy relationships. All we grew up with were shite relationships.

Damson i got to agree here..ffs its allll the childs fault for his behaviour...really..he sounds like my ds after me n his dad done sane fucked up shit..wasnt his fault but mine n his dads for putting my relationship 1st n him seeing me hurt in turn hurt him n he lashed out..simple..and i dont give a shit what others say..u take my child put with nect woman i better know who the hell she is first..what is wrong with u lot..it dont matter who the child was with..really...just cause u lot in mood with OP... get fucking real..if my child is out with their dad u best let me know who was there..ive had my xp do this on his 2 hour days out with ds n dd and some random..yes i kicked off..she dont knw my children..xp hardly knws her and introducing my kids playing happy fam..nahhhh mate i aunt into that..call me what u want but ive read 10000s of post where MNs kick off so WHY is it ok in this situation..further more we dont know what he does secretly so she could be a drugs mule..a prossie..or secret woman...still ok though yh...

Sorry for typo silly phone

Shammy1b, 'kicking off' is not the appropriate response right now. The fact remains that the OP will have no control over who sees her kids when they eventually split, just as your Ex has no control over which of your friends, male or female, you choose to let interact with your children. Of course, the decent thing to do would be to let one's ex partner know who their children will be seeing at any given time, but there has been little in the way of decent or rational behaviour on both the OP or her partner's part in this sorry situation so far.

OP, pick your battles.

You are in a precarious situation right now. As frustrating as it is, you need to focus on the important things first. Who sees your children on contact days is a fight for another time. As long as there are no safeguarding issues, and you currently have no cause for concern about that at this time, then your STBX can choose to see who he wants to, unfortunately.

As for your 12 year old, he needs to come home now, and you need to make it clear that none of this is his fault. You need to let him go on his trip so that he can get away from the situation for a while. I agree with a PP that he should not be with his paternal family when the shit hits the fan and you move out, because they may make it very difficult for you.

Your recent posts about him are not pleasant to read. You show an open hostility to him - as I said previously it's like listening to bickering siblings rather than a parent/child dynamic. You need to re-evaluate your entire parenting ethos, and help is available to you if you look for it.

With regards to the arsewipe, keep a cool head. As has been stated several times, don't engage, and don't get drawn in to the games. And stop telling him your plans. You will not hurt him. You will only sabotage your own escape route. Get your affairs in order first and foremost.

What have you done about getting your child back in education? Have you gathered all of your important documentation and financial information? Have you started to look through your posessions to see what you want to bring and what you can leave behind?

Start to be proactive OP.

If you stop your son from going to football tournament then you are destroying any chance of reconnecting with your son and making him the hostile boy you complain about
Dont be as thoughtless and emotionally damaging to your children as his Dad.

Think about what you want all of your Ds to learn.

Be careful how you treat your children or that is how they will become. If you keep saying he is a horrible boy, he will be a sad, hurt, angry and horrible boy to you.

Tell him you respect his feelings and listen , and he will learn to show respect for your feelings and listen to you

You want your son to share how he feels with you, then listen without judgement and show understanding to his feelings. He cant share how he feels if he knows you will react with hostility and not be able to accept that what you did has hurt him.

Can you all go together to the tournament , without their Dad, if you feel well enough?

I don't think they would allow op to fly at nearly 8 months pregnant

OP! Let the boy go to the football tournament!
Sport is good for kids, it focuses energy and is good for discipline.

Eachpeach Im not like most women on here..i have had wool pulled over my eyes n messed up mine n kids head regarding letting things lie n not reacting..when i did react even when preggars i got my point across cause like i said to the dp if tgat was your sis or mom how would u react..if you are taking my kids out i dont care if its a man or woman ok i want to know who the hell it is or else yes i will kick off standard..esp when you are doing suspicious crap with said person n my kids are there as OP well knows thats whats happening without grassing him up..end of day people treat u how u allow them to n OP needs yo 1st concentrate on gettung baby born n well while planning future but sorry there should be boundaries when it comes to who your mixing around in my kids company.