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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think it’s happening again.

726 replies

AMillionKisses · 28/04/2018 06:58

DP hasn’t been home, I’ve tried calling his phone his phone is ringing, when I was calling him around 11o’clock last night I was getting the busy tone, so he can talk to other people but avoid my calls?

He has a history of cheating, I break up with him but always let him back again.

I am tired of this, I’m also 7 months pregnant with our fourth child, when I fell pregnant he said he’d never hurt me again.

OP posts:
Bobs123 · 28/04/2018 12:06

Well sounds like he’s lying - on all counts!

You are in a really tough situation, and vulnerable atm being pregnant. From what you write it seems that he is not to be trusted at all.

I would not be accepting any excuses. He might not have bothered to get tested, or he might have and had something show up and he’s just hoping he won’t pass it on to you. Either way he is incredibly evasive.

I do feel for you. It’s a shit situation, and you don’t seem strong enough to deal with it. All you can do is try to protect yourself and your unborn baby.

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 28/04/2018 12:11

I can admit, he is not to be trusted at all. I can not trust him, the only time I can vouch for him is if he is at home with me.

He has taken our 12 year old to football training. I have just tracked his whereabouts using the App on my phone and now I am here paranoid because he and my son are in an area where they shouldn’t be and he will not answer his phone, this is the kind of shit that I can not deal with.

OP posts:
Bobs123 · 28/04/2018 12:50

What is wrong with his being “in an area he should not be in” if he’s with his son?

category12 · 28/04/2018 12:53

Dropped ds to football training and bogged off to the mistress?

Madupfam · 28/04/2018 13:06

So basically he's a nasty STI giving cheat but you won't do anything about it because you like your lifestyle?. That is so ridiculous it is almost funny.

allthegoodnameshadgone · 28/04/2018 13:17

Leave and let him provide csa for the children.

Get details of all your financial records, document the cheating and go and see a solicitor.

Staying because if the lifestyle? What fucking lifestyle?? The lifestyle that makes you so unhappy, makes your kids unhappy, sets a bad example to them and puts your health at risk. That lifestyle?

Get a grip of yourself OP and wise up. He's setting this example to your boys and you are allowing it to happen.

Your putting up with all this for what? A nice wardrobe, a nice house???

SandyY2K · 28/04/2018 13:19

Very sad. People treat you how you let them in life....nothing will change...because sadly you've accepted his awful behaviour over and over again.

Maybe you need to give him a taste of his own medicine.

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 28/04/2018 13:19

@Bobs123 sorry I should have made myself clearer the place he was, was not the way they usually come home. I did called again and DS answered the phone, when I asked where his dad was he said that he has gone upstairs, when he came home this morning he said that he was going to take the boys out. He has dropped DS outside the house with the medicine I asked him to bring back and gone. I am not doing to bother calling him, I told the boys that he is taking them out and got them ready, but now he is not here, I think I’m going to take them to get a toy each because it is not fair on them.

I have asked DS what did he mean when he told me his dad was upstairs when I called he said that he is tired and going upstairs to shower and go to bed (just as his dad says, when he doesn’t want to answer) I’ll ask him again when he wakes up.

I know I must sound like a mad woman.

OP posts:
Original poster
AMillionKisses · 28/04/2018 13:24

I think it come across the wrong way when I said “lifestyle” I didn’t mean material things, when my parents were in this country they worked, I have always lived in a nice house and had nice things.

OP posts:
StormcloakNord · 28/04/2018 13:24

You sound like you love your partner more than you live your kids.

Harsh, sorry, but true. You can't use the kids as an excuse not to leave, you know fine well the situation you're bringing them up in is detrimental to their own future, and they'd be a lot better off if you left so you can't feign concern for the kids.

It's a shame as if they're all boys they'll be growing up thinking it's alright to treat women like shit.

mzcracker · 28/04/2018 13:29

There is a solution to this. Stop letting him back in.

crimsonlake · 28/04/2018 13:30

There are many posts on here from OP with cheating partners and they all seem to have one thing in common. They post for advise and when it is given they clearly do not want to take it and never had any intention of doing so in the first place. All kinds of excuses begin surfacing...and he is a great man really...a good father etc etc. And round it goes until the next time...

category12 · 28/04/2018 13:32

Get married.

SweetBabyJebus · 28/04/2018 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 28/04/2018 13:44

If you won't leave him, you need to detach emotionally from him, at the very least.

Decide you don't trust him and that's ok. Very reasonable, in fact, the only reasonable response to your past together.

Don't have sex with him.

Build friendships. Build your life outside the home.

Get a counsellor. Start valuing yourself more.

mzcracker · 28/04/2018 13:47

What is it you want to happen op? What do you expect from posters on this thread?
You're husband is cheating on you, has cheated in the past, treats you like shit but you're not prepared to leave or make him leave.
You're stuck with him then aren't you? This is your life now. Get rid of him or get used to it.
All this 'my husband is a cunt but I'm not going to do anything about' nonsense makes me rage.

Ginger1982 · 28/04/2018 14:02

So you let yourself fall pregnant with a further 2 kids after he had a kid with someone else? You need to wake up and get out. You say you're used to nice things? Then suck it up for the next 18 years. It might be hard to make the break but surely it's got to be better than what you're living with now?

Teacuphiccup · 28/04/2018 14:05

The thing about having regular std tests is that it only tells you when you’ve got something, it’s not a prevention, and sometimes they take a while to show up in the tests.
I find it shocking that you would put your unborn baby at risk of a serious std to be honest. If anything was going to shock you into action surely this would be it.

This man is treating you like shit. If you don’t like it you need to leave and I’m sure many people on here will provide emotional and practical support.
If you want to stay you need to stay, but with your eyes wide open and admitting it’s for you not the kids.

SoaveSally · 28/04/2018 14:07

He's a shit partner and a shit dad, you need to wake up and smell the coffee op, if not your life will be shit and ffs get some contraception if your going to shag this twat.

trickle4 · 28/04/2018 14:10

I don't really know what to say to this. It's all ridiculous but following just for the updates.....

trickle4 · 28/04/2018 14:12

I feel like this is one of those posts where it will get so many long winded comments of what the op should do only for the op to reply with 'yeah but....' There is clearly no intention of the op leaving so it seems pointless spending time giving advice.

PrizeOik · 28/04/2018 14:16

Op it sounds like you are in this situation and can't really imagine how you'd ever get out of it.

This is pretty normal unfortunately. To feel frozen and as if you'd never find the internal resources to have a different life.

It is possible for you to leave this man, be housed by the council and receive benefits and maintenance that would keep you going. It's 100% possible.

It does sound though like you've already decided none of that is possible.

That's your right.

You do need to understand then, that your life is going to be painful and humiliating, and your boys will, in time, likely begin to dismiss and humiliate you just as their father has shown them to.

That would be a lot for me to swallow, but perhaps it's worth it to you, to have the security and material comfort that you want.

Personally I would prefer to be poor but retain my dignity. Only you can decide for yourself. Xx

elisenbrunnen · 28/04/2018 14:21

So basically he's cheating, has cheated, has infected you with an STI, but you like the house, like the lifestyle, want the kids to stay in the house (and see how 'men' treat their 'loved ones' Hmm Angry) and you are not ever going to actually do anything about it?

Except have more children. Bring more kids into this? Have more sex with this diseased man? Because you can't be bothered to look after your own children and give them a decent role model? Because you 'can't cope' with your own children?

You could at least see a solicitor and get legal, proper advice. See what you are entitled to.

And get a STI test! Your poor unborn son needs to be in a healthy body.

happypoobum · 28/04/2018 14:21

I don’t think I could adjust to being used to living another kind of life style.

Righty Oh then - good luck.

SoaveSally · 28/04/2018 14:21

Do your sons know they have a brother? Could get very messy.