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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think it’s happening again.

726 replies

AMillionKisses · 28/04/2018 06:58

DP hasn’t been home, I’ve tried calling his phone his phone is ringing, when I was calling him around 11o’clock last night I was getting the busy tone, so he can talk to other people but avoid my calls?

He has a history of cheating, I break up with him but always let him back again.

I am tired of this, I’m also 7 months pregnant with our fourth child, when I fell pregnant he said he’d never hurt me again.

OP posts:
Eastie77 · 28/04/2018 09:26

Well he's not exactly taking the OP for a fool since he's not even bothering to make up a story to fool her with. It sounds as if it's got to a stage where he thinks it's scarcely worth going to the effort to concoct a story since there are no consequences for his actions. How brazen to walk into the house with a new set of clothes on.

OP - the above isn't meant to be a criticism of you btw and I completely understand why you feel unable to leave him and cope with 3 DC whilst pregnant. I hope that you eventually find the strength and resources to go it alone but as awful as your current situation is I would personally advise waiting until you've had DC4 and are in a less vulnerable situation. It goes without saying this must be the last child you have with this poor excuse for a man.

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 28/04/2018 09:54

@Eastie77 Thanks for understanding, I do appreciate it, I’m furious but I can’t stress myself out over this.

OP posts:
eggncress · 28/04/2018 10:09

I know you said you have no family or friends around you. Do you have family at all who could help you out? Even if it means relocating ?
Somewhere you can stay while you enquire about housing/ benefits for you and the boys.
At present it sounds like he has you where he wants you... under his thumb and he knows it hence his brazenness.
If you don’t have family the Citizens Advice may be a good starting point.
Also see a family lawyer for advice re your rights in what is essentially the family home ( even if his dad owns it) . Lawyers usually offer first 30 min free... enough to find out the basics.

eggncress · 28/04/2018 10:19

It may be worth giving Women’s Aid a call too.If he’s causing you stress and he knows it but doesn’t care then it is abuse.WA are very knowledgeable about all forms of abuse and would be very supportive of you emotionally and practically. In your situation you tend to feel powerless and very alone Flowers

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 28/04/2018 10:20

@eggncress I have family (mum & dad) who can help me financially but they both live in China, I have access to money but not enough to relocate me and the boys, and I would never ever take the children out of the house that they live in, it just wouldn’t be fair on them, yes you’re right he has me where he wants me.

He was probably at his other child’s mothers house. I don’t understand why he doesn’t just go and live with her.

OP posts:
Follyfoot · 28/04/2018 10:25

I would never ever take the children out of the house that they live in, it just wouldn’t be fair on them,

The thing is though, keeping four children in a home with a desperately unhappy parent who feels trapped is much worse for them than moving. The relationships they witness as they grow up will have a huge impact on the adults they become and the relationships they go on to have. Bricks and mortar won't have any effect. Pleas do revisit your decision and get any help you can to enable you to leave Flowers

MarthasGinYard · 28/04/2018 10:33

'he then went on to change the subject (started saying that we should go and have a look at marble flooring today) then went on to say that I should go upstairs and have a lay down and that he is going to take the boys out today.'

Seriously Shock

"I have not interest in looking at marble floors, cakes, or lie downs. I'd like you to tell me where you have been"

SweetBabyJebus · 28/04/2018 10:50

He was probably at his other child’s mothers house

Why oh why did you let yourself fall pregnant again? Shock I'm sorry, I realise that might seem harsh and very 'after the horse has bolted'. But jesus, you walked into this with your eyes open.

You need to gather yourself and make your preparations. Don't just lie down and take it. Teach your boys how they should treat women. Lead by example.

Eastie77 · 28/04/2018 10:50

Amillion - no problem, I do understand. Yes it's stressful living with this man and the knowledge that he is cheating. But I don't think leaving / trying to get him to leave, navigating the benefits system and coping with 3 small children is advisable when you are in the last stages of pregnancy. If he is physically abusive then of course you must leave but it sounds as if (and again no criticism here) you have put with numerous episodes before so in one albeit awful sense, what difference at this stage does one more make?

Bide your time and kick his arse into touch when you are ready.

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 28/04/2018 10:55

He has never ever been physical or verbally abusive towards me, that’s something that I would not be able to take.

There is no talking to him about something he doesn’t want to hear.

Our boys are age 12, 8 & 4 we have never claimed any kind of benefits before so it is not advisable for me to start doing it now.

I don’t think I could adjust to being used to living another kind of life style.

OP posts:
SoaveSally · 28/04/2018 11:01

Well, he knows he can do as he pleases and you won't leave. He'll never change, you either accept it or leave.
How old is his other child?

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 28/04/2018 11:06

His other child is 9, he said he didn’t feel the need to tell me about him because he didn’t think it the child was his (but yet the child is named after him) and after a while he never thought he would be seeing the child again, because of the mother.

OP posts:
SweetBabyJebus · 28/04/2018 11:08

OP I read your other thread just now. You are deluded if you think your shithead husband's behaviour and blatent emotional abuse of you is not being noticed by your children. Your 12 year old is obviously hurting. You need to put them first and remove yourself from this situation. What kind of sons do you think you will raise with that turd as their primary male influence? Your eldest is ALREADY affected by this. That much is clear.

I rather hope this thread is not legit. The reality is too depressing to contemplate.

Please seek help OP, you are worth so so much more than this.

Bobs123 · 28/04/2018 11:12

OP it’s your life and your decision to make. No one can tell you what to do, all posters can do is give their opinions and advice.

So my take on this is he seems to be a good dad and provider. However staying out overnight and refusing to discuss where he’s been is a big red flag, especially when combined with his history of cheating.

And then being “helpful” and taking himself off you the day with the boys so he doesn’t have to face you....

Sorry if this freaks you out, but if you are both having sex, have you considered any risks of his passing on STIs?

differentnameforthis · 28/04/2018 11:17

What is your question Op? Your post is just statement * @DrMorbius

This isn't a Q&A only forum! Op is allowed to post "statements" as you call it.

MarthasGinYard · 28/04/2018 11:17

Good god I hope for all your dc sake if this is real you leave and stop pro creating

You've set the bar so low

Your ds's will be normalising all this shit

Grim

SoaveSally · 28/04/2018 11:18

Jesus! So he impregnated another woman when with you Shock
I would have left then. Why have you put up with this, and keep having more kids with him?

MarthasGinYard · 28/04/2018 11:18

And don't sleep with him without protection

He could be riddled for all you know Confused

category12 · 28/04/2018 11:23

If you don't want to change the lifestyle, then I think you need to accept he's going to cheat and disengage emotionally from him. Lead your own life from the gilded cage.

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 28/04/2018 11:28

I would appreciate those who have said “if this is real” to please not comment if you have any doubts, it has taken me a lot to post this on here.

I know that I have only got two previojs posts on here, I have been on this site for a while, but I had to sign back up again because I got a replacement phone and my emails did not come back when I restored my phone and I couldn’t remember what email address I used to sign up or whether it was one on my phone or an older email address.

I am being 100% truthful. I don’t understand why anyone would lie about something like this happening to them, if I had friends in real life I don’t think I would even be able to tell them all of this, because it is embarrassing as a woman to put up with this.

OP posts:
Original poster
AMillionKisses · 28/04/2018 11:31

@MarthasGinYard He did give me an STI our first born was very young. I did split with him and he accepted that we were over but still managed to worm his way back in.

OP posts:
SweetBabyJebus · 28/04/2018 11:50

AMillion with the greatest respect, he didn't worm his way back in. You allowed him to. You made an active choice. After him infecting you (fucking gross), cheating on you multiple times, impregnating another woman...you still went in to have THREE more children with him.

This makes me very sad. You must have very poor self esteem. Please try and seek help for that.

You are blinded to the truth and will likely stay exactly where you are with your fingers in your ears going blah blah blah.

I sincerely wish you well OP but you have to do it for yourself. And you don't want to right now, or pergaps ever. That's up to you.

Bobs123 · 28/04/2018 11:50

So he already gave you an STI? If he is still cheating on you you should really get tested - STIs during pregnancy can be serious.

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 28/04/2018 11:57

@Bobs123 - I do get tested regularly by myself, every time I suggest we go together there’s always some kind of excuse, but then he will tell me a week later that he has been and he hasn’t got anything and I need to learn to trust him because he wouldn’t do it again.

OP posts:
Original poster
AMillionKisses · 28/04/2018 12:00

Deep down I know that we are always going to be with him, I gave birth to our first son when I was 16 and he was 15, he is my first and only.

I was bullied during the whole of secondary school, the day I met him was the day I had a plan to end my life because I just couldn’t cope anymore, if I didn’t meet him I don’t think I would be here.

OP posts: