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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think it’s happening again.

726 replies

AMillionKisses · 28/04/2018 06:58

DP hasn’t been home, I’ve tried calling his phone his phone is ringing, when I was calling him around 11o’clock last night I was getting the busy tone, so he can talk to other people but avoid my calls?

He has a history of cheating, I break up with him but always let him back again.

I am tired of this, I’m also 7 months pregnant with our fourth child, when I fell pregnant he said he’d never hurt me again.

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 28/04/2018 18:56

no one is going to want someone with 4 children.

I have 4 children. Someone wants to be with me. I left my h 5 years ago and have enjoyed being single for most of the time since then. My marriage put me off relationships (and men) for a long time. And I needed to do some work on me. But now, with 4 school-aged DCs, I'm with a lovely man who wants to be with me and knows my DCs come first.

You talk about how hard it would be to do it all by yourself, but that's not certain if you leave (and not impossible if you stay). If he took your DCs every other weekend, you'd have that support you need and time to recharge. If he paid maintenance for the children, you'd have an income to go alongside your benefits and your income once you got one.

I know you're a way off leaving, but it's still helpful at this stage to think realistically about it. I felt so much more "me" once I'd had a couple of weekends child-free.

allthegoodnameshadgone · 28/04/2018 18:58

Op

He didn't save you. He changed your life at that point. He saved you at that point if you see it like that but that doesn't make you indebted forever and whatever treatment of you he mets out.

Yes you can be grateful for your earlier happier years but he gave that willingly as did you and I bet my life savings you made him happy.

He's destroying your life now. It's not a fair deal. It really isn't.

A marriage or partnership Or relationship is just that. It's not that someone puts more money in therefore they get to do what they want.

If the shoe was in the other foot would you act like this?

TrappedWind · 28/04/2018 19:01

I think you should just stay with him for the time being, stop having sex with him, save as much money as you can and make a plan to exit say in a years time?

You can't do it right now? Ok I understand that, if you're 7 months pregnant. But, at least take steps to make it happen at some point in the not too distant future.

allthegoodnameshadgone · 28/04/2018 19:02

Listen luv I'm getting off my soapbox now. I wish you the best. I hope you come back on here and say I left him and look at me now.

I really hope you do.

Your doing an amazing job holding it all together. Don't doubt yourself. Get on the freedom programme.

Get your records together incase your decision to leave him in the future.

ThanksThanksThanks

mzcracker · 28/04/2018 19:07

I hope you gather your strength and self respect and leave this man.
good luck.

timeisnotaline · 28/04/2018 19:22

The only positive I can see here is that the op must be about 28. So many years of life left! Op, maybe after you have your baby and get through the newborn stage you can aim to have done a short list of things before you are 30 towards separating. - freedom programme, ask yourself why you don’t want to have benefits (why be proud that you just get money from your parents instead? I don’t get that) , start a savings fund, take the children on a trip on your own eg to visit your parents, talk to someone about what kind of jobs you could get. And seriously about your 12 year olds behaviour, it sounds like he is learning it from his dad. Leaving his dad might be the best thing for him.

namechange2222 · 28/04/2018 19:36

My fear would be that you wake up one morning and he hasn't come home again. He arrives after a short while with a girlfriend and asks you to leave with four children ( or maybe he'll keep the 12 year old)
Are you aware that this is actually not out of the realms of possibility?
At the moment he is treating you with such contempt and disrespect that once he decides (and he most likely will one day) that he'd actually like, not just to shag, but to live with another woman, you'll be out without him blinking.
I do so understand what you're saying about your fears but it sounds pretty lonely in your relationships as it is. I'd also be fearful about your 12 year old exhibiting even more concerning behaviours as he gets older if things stay as they are. Can you take back any of the control do you think?

allthegoodnameshadgone · 28/04/2018 19:56

Namechange is right op

Could this happen in the future.

Please see a solicitor. You are in a much stronger position than you think. I promise you you are

Joysmum · 28/04/2018 20:33

More fool you, I pity your kids. I grew up with both parents who weren’t happy (nothing wrong, good people who just weren’t right for each other yet that was bad enough). I wouldn’t wish that on any other child, let alone a relationship where one person is scum. Sad

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 28/04/2018 20:38

My 12 year old has had a violent outburst tonight and kicked and smashed the glass in the kitchen door.

I’m tired of cooking three different meals for the boys every single evening, but I still o it. DS12 asked for one thing then decided to change his mind, luckily my 8 year agreed to swap with him, I thought that would be the end of it and we would finish the day nicely, afterwards he asked if he could download a game, I did say at the beggining of the week that I would buy him a game if he had a good week, which he hasn’t. I tried to tell him in the nicest way possible hoping that he would accept that he wouldn’t be getting it today, but I would get it for him in the middle of the week if he behaves in the house, he said that he has been good and then I have demanded that I get it for him now ‘mum you will get it for me now’ I took my other boys to the supermarket this afternoon and got them a game each, to make up for their dad disappearing he then went on to say that he should get things before them, he needs to understand that he can’t misbehave and still get what he wants, how is ever going to learn. (Do you think I’m wrong for getting for them and not for him?)

I called his dad to tell him what he did and to come and deal with him he said he will call me back which he hasn’t.

OP posts:
Weezol · 28/04/2018 20:48

So,his father has been running around with your this morning, not staying with him at football and making him lie to you in his behalf.
And this evening your son has exploded in to violence.
Do you see the link between these two things?

Bobs123 · 28/04/2018 20:49

So what is this telling you?

You have a son who you say is manageable. Yet he is now being violent. And it sounds like this will get worse. He sees his dad treating you like a doormat, so he will follow suit.

You cook different meals for your sons. This is also being a doormat.

Question is, do you really want to continue like this???

I might be totally out of line here, but is this a culture thing? Is this what is expected and the norm? What would you say to a friend in the same position as you?

Out of interest, when your partner goes AWOL, is it always with the same woman or different woman? I’m trying to work out if he’s just “shagging around” or is trying to keep 2 families

trickle4 · 28/04/2018 20:56

You don't really make sense. In an earlier post you said your ds was manageable at home?

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 28/04/2018 20:59

You are quite right to stand your ground with your DS. If you said he would have a game if he had a good week and he hasn't, then no game. And you've done nothing wrong by buying the other two games, although 12yo has tried to make you doubt yourself, as kids do.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 28/04/2018 21:01

And consider just cooking one meal. They don't get a choice unless they help you cook it.

This is a good way of beginning to value yourself more.

Idyllsoftheking · 28/04/2018 21:02

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lizzie1970a · 28/04/2018 21:05

I would say your DS is reacting to the position he was in today - going somewhere with his dad that wasn't appropriate - possibly knowing his dad was "upstairs" having sex with another woman while he was kept waiting downstairs - and being expected to keep this secret from his mother. Your son is already being damaged by you staying in this relationship. At 12 his behaviour is pretty much set. How he sees his dad treat you is his model for relationships. You must get out.

Btw, he didn't save you. He was 15. Saving you was a byproduct of your relationship. Even if he did save you what kind of medieval mindset do you have that you have to be eternally grateful to him? You've given him 4 kids and put up with his crap for over a decade. You've paid your dues. Get out! Even if it means leaving the 12 year if he wishes to stay. That won't be set in stone anyway. In time he might come back to you but frankly I think you've lost him already to a shit father.

lizzie1970a · 28/04/2018 21:07

I think the readers are frustrated because this dickhead is wiping his feet all over you and you're letting him. If you think you'll get out sometime anyway, why not now? Why waste a minute more on him. If the house is his dad's I'd change the locks and say you've got squatters'r rights and tell them to get a court order to get you out. You'll be made homeless which will give you more chance of the council housing you in time. That or think up something else but start making plans.

lizzie1970a · 28/04/2018 21:12

You do have family you can speak to - your mum and dad. Get a loan off them and get a rental in an area where you get your DS into a new school.

Eastie77 · 28/04/2018 21:19

Completely random thought OP: you've been with this man since he was 15 but marriage has never been on the cards? Any particular reason? I'm wondering if the mother of his child who he spends all this time with and whom you've never met could possibly be his wife? You mentioned her son is named after him - is your eldest son names after his father as well? All seems a bit odd and almost as if her child is the 'legit' one.

Mymycherrypie · 28/04/2018 21:24

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allthegoodnameshadgone · 28/04/2018 21:39

Op
Is this a cultural issue? A poster asked below.?

Not sure what questions to ask without seeming insensitive here?

But I did not think any religion or culture makes this the norm?

seventh · 28/04/2018 21:43

don’t think I could adjust to being used to living another kind of life style.

Then you've made your decision

You will stay with Dick and be unhappy forever. But you will be financially secure

Nothing anyone can say, can make you do something you don't want to do

And you do not want to leave him

BamBamIsALittleShit · 28/04/2018 21:47

This is gonna be blunt and I'm sorry but I can't think of another way to word it - why do you think you have a right to complain if you're not going to take action? At this point you're putting up with this through choice.

You've described a history of emotionally abusive behaviour, yet you're going to stay? If you're staying then you'd better strap yourself in because you're doing this to yourself.

I have never understood women who expect their shit blokes to change.

Leave him. Now.

PrizeOik · 28/04/2018 21:54

Bear in mind op

You have zero security with this man because you haven't married him.

That means he can kick you out whenever he wants to. And refuse to keep you financially unless you turn the wheels to extract child maintenance from him.

Your lifestyle isn't secure in any way. You live entirely according to his whims, according to what he decides to do, moment to moment...