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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think it’s happening again.

726 replies

AMillionKisses · 28/04/2018 06:58

DP hasn’t been home, I’ve tried calling his phone his phone is ringing, when I was calling him around 11o’clock last night I was getting the busy tone, so he can talk to other people but avoid my calls?

He has a history of cheating, I break up with him but always let him back again.

I am tired of this, I’m also 7 months pregnant with our fourth child, when I fell pregnant he said he’d never hurt me again.

OP posts:
Original poster
AMillionKisses · 06/05/2018 09:18

Thank you for your kind words, I don’t want him in the house, I’ve told him I don’t like him and I am moving out, he keeps trying to talk to me, I wish he would get the message and go away.

OP posts:
TittyGolightly · 06/05/2018 09:20

I’ve told him I don’t like him and I am moving out, he keeps trying to talk to me, I wish he would get the message and go away.

You told him you wouldn’t have sex with him unless he went for an STI check with you, but you did.
You said no more children, but got pregnant twice more.
You said you would leave if he didn’t. He doesn’t believe you, because you haven’t followed through with anything you’ve ever said before. Why would he?

Actions speak louder than words.

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 06/05/2018 09:34

TittyGolightly I have not slept with him, and I will not be sleeping with him again.

I have the help from my parents to leave so I will be leaving, and yes you are correct he doesn’t believe me.

OP posts:
Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 06/05/2018 09:36

Just try and make it clear to him that the only conversations that you will be having with him are about your children as he is a man child and needs to learn to grow the #@£up and that you aren't going to waste any more energy on him... just keep in the back of your head that your parents will be here within the next few weeks and will be able to get you out of the hell your currently living in..you can do this just stay strong (I know it's hard for me to say)

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 06/05/2018 09:36

I’m also worried that he has been discussing our business, outside the house with his friends.

Because when I found out he had another child one of his friends called up and said ‘so what if he has got another child, it happens let it go’ when I questioned him on it, he said that he was distressed and needed someone to speak to.

Men gossip too, so I will never know what he is telling people about me.

OP posts:
HonkyWonkWoman · 06/05/2018 09:42

AMillion! Who cares what he tells his little friends!
And with their attitude of so what if he has got another child, it happens let it go. They sound just like him.
Let them think what they want, it doesn't affect you.

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 06/05/2018 09:48

He apologised to our 12 year old this morning for not picking up the phone, apparently he left it somewhere. He is going to take them out today, I don’t want him to because I don’t trust him but I can’t stop him.

OP posts:
maymai · 06/05/2018 09:50

I am so pleased you've got the support of your parents, now you can see a way out.

If you can, please keep sending the dc to school, he may use this against you otherwise. It's good for them to have that routine too. Social services gout be able to offer so,e help and support once you are on your own with the four of them too so look at that as positive as the school,will have already made a referral I would expect.

Stormy76 · 06/05/2018 10:19

I have read this whole thread, I am glad that you have told your parents and plans are being made. Your eldest son needs to go into counselling because he seems very emotionally unstable, he is fast approaching being a teenager and he does appear to have been very badly affected by his parents relationship. Kids see way more than you realise and it deeply affects them. He has been manipulated by his father in the same way that you have and it's abusive.

You are doing the best that you can right now to deal with a partner who is incredibly manipulative. One thing to keep in mind is that you can and will walk away, people manage, you have managed in this horrible relationship for so long, not having that to deal with and just focusing on your kids and their wellbeing is going to be a breeze.

I would recommend accessing services for your children now, particularly your eldest because angry and emotional teenage boys are extremely hard to manage.

TittyGolightly · 06/05/2018 11:10

TittyGolightly I have not slept with him, and I will not be sleeping with him again.

Where have DC3 and 4 come from then?

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 06/05/2018 12:03

@TittyGolightly can you please stop questioning everything I say? I would really prefer if you would stop commenting and just left me alone.

That was then this is now.

OP posts:
HonkyWonkWoman · 06/05/2018 12:13

Titty basically stop being tit and goading OP.
She's trying to sort herself out and you going on about the past is not helping.

Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 06/05/2018 12:17

If I found out that someone I was with had another child I wouldn't be able to let it go..it's just the bravdo of oh get over it..sorry but u can't I wouldn't of castrated him, just think of him taking the kidlets out as some quiet down time for yourself so go run a bath and relax or read a book for abit or just slob out and read on Mumsnet, try and take the opportunity of a child free house as a break as this time in a month your going to wish you had lol..and soon as bank holidays sorted call round some schools for your eldest and maybe the doctors aswel, try n relax for a few hours and enjoy the sun Smile

Oliversmumsarmy · 06/05/2018 12:37

Whilst you are making your plans can you act like you want a break from him. Not really show him you are done and you are making plans to leave IYSWIM.
Otherwise he will make yours and your children's life Hell in the next few weeks.

TittyGolightly · 06/05/2018 12:43

stop being tit and goading OP.

I’m not goading. The OP has made all sorts of threats during her time as chief doormat of the household. She hasn’t carried through with any of them. Which is why her “partner” isn’t taking any notice of this one. He thinks (knows) she will back down.

Which is why saying it won’t work. She’s going to have to do something more drastic than sleeping on the sofa.

Guardsman18 · 06/05/2018 12:45

@Titty - at least she's trying. Give her a chance for goodness sake!

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 06/05/2018 13:11

@TittyGolightly ok you can carry on if it makes you feel better, I am not happy in my life but I would never ever think about putting someone else down or making horrible comments to make myself feel better, whatever you are going through in life I hope it gets sorted out so you won’t have to continue doing this to other people, but when you are doing this to me you are leaving someone else alone, so no one else is suffering from your horrible comments.

They are back, I have come upstairs I just can’t be in the same room as him, he said that he took the boys to pick a new pushchair and some furniture for the baby and to get them some things, I don’t know why he would take it upon himself to go and do this when I know that he is not doing it with a good heart.

@Oliversmumsarmy Yes I am just going to make him believe that I am just saying that I’m moving out bevause I don’t know what he would do if he knows I’m serious.

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 06/05/2018 13:27

He thinks a little bit of fuss about things for the baby will appease you and things can go back to normal for him.

However unpleasant Titty's tone appears to you, she has a point. He has swanned around for years doing just what he wants. He thinks he can keep on doing that.

He'll find out once you're gone. But as OMA says, much better that he doesn't realise you're serious until you're out.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 06/05/2018 13:28

OMA being Oliversmumsarmy. Was being lazy!

Stormy76 · 06/05/2018 17:36

If you let him believe that this is just like all the other times then it will give you breathing space to get sorted. You are very far along in your pregnancy and all this stress cannot be good for you or baby.

Like some of the others have said make sure you get important documents and put them in a safe place so you can just go. You are going to have a new baby and a new life, this time next year your life will be so different.

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 06/05/2018 18:17

I wish I could go today because he just won’t leave me alone, I don’t understand why he can’t understand that I want to be alone. I was upstairs in the bedroom in came up and laid himself down beside me, I went downstairs after a few minutes he came down and sat beside me, he has gone out now I don’t want him coming back here even thinking about his return is making us feel very anxious.

OP posts:
Guardsman18 · 06/05/2018 18:32

He doesn't understand because you've changed lovely. I hope that the pp here before will come back and help you now that you're reaching out.

Don't give up. Please?

Stormy76 · 06/05/2018 18:50

Just hang in there, he knows that you are not happy.......it will all be over soon and you can move on.

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 06/05/2018 18:53

Thank you, I’ll try my best.

OP posts:
EachPeachPearPlumb · 06/05/2018 19:06

You can do it OP. Hang in there. You are in such a lucky position to have your parent's financial and emotional support and the prospect of a future place for yourself relatively easily. You just need to hang in there. Keep it cool with him, don't enter into arguments. Keep a level head and don't show your hand. He will be feeling you pulling away and will be trying all the usual tricks to get you back around, like he's always done in the past. You just have to be strong enough to resist. Put your efforts 100% into your son's schooling now. Keep yourself occupied with that and keep calm in general. Just tell him you want a relaxing and peaceful last month and need him to respect your space. Then get on with things in the background.

You are doing very well. I am quite proud of you! Keep it going and don't lose heart.