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Relationships

To expect him to do a load of other shit too?

133 replies

HollyHunter18 · 26/04/2018 08:37

I get up at 6 each morning with my baby and make sure I’m out of the shower so my dh can shower at 7 as he commutes. This week he has overslept a couple of times and I’ve been changing nappies last minute a couple of times and he hasn’t got in shower unril7:15 but generally I’ve always been punctual for him even when baby was under 3 months and my son is only 3.5 with suspected ASD. My husband commutes but literally does no housework or anything else to do with running the home except occasionally putting the bin out, occasionally unloading/ unloading dishwasher. I ask him to occasionally take a basket of laundry up/down the stairs. When he complained this morning that I wasn’t always up so he could get in shower I reminded him that he chose to oversleep and ( were in separate beds and not getting along) and that it isn’t my job to wake him. “ it’s not my job to do a whole lot of other shit” was his reply. And he doesn’t. When my son was about 3 months old he wrote and printed out a list of everything he wasn’t prepared to do and what he was “ laundry relating to the children only”. He never did my son’s laundry. He’s a loving father but I get nothing from him and input a meal on the table every night, do his laundry, do housework etc. I am a stay at home mum and he has a job with lots of responsibility and commutes but he seems to resent doing the smallest things and is ready to pull me up when I slip a couple of times. Unreasonable of me?

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Teacuphiccup · 27/04/2018 08:47

This is going to sound harsh but I really don’t mean it to I just want you to see.

You are missing out now. What you are describing is not a family, it’s a man living with a family and sometimes tolerating them and sometimes getting annoyed by them.
As a previous poster said there’s nothing he is providing that a friend couldn’t. Someone telling you your pretty once in a while is not a good relationship.

You seem in awe of this man, like he is too good for you and I am telling you he isn’t. You are a good mum and a good wife and you deserve to live in an environment that isn’t volatile.

He’s probably crushed your self esteem so you can’t inagine how you’d cope without him but you will.
Imagine having a lovely little house where you can make as much noise and fun as you want without ever having to look at the door knowing it’ll all have to stop when he walks through the door.
Imagine only having to look after yourself and your kids without having to worry what it is that you haven’t thought of that he might have wanted you to do.

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PickAChew · 27/04/2018 08:50

If you ltb, he'd have a heck of a lot more to do if he didn't want to live in a shit tip.

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Thiswasit · 27/04/2018 08:52

I was in a similar situation to yours few years ago......and I'm still in it now. I've just told my DH how unhappy I am and that I feel like a piece of furniture let alone just the cook, nanny, housekeeper etc. I feel like exchanging my wedding ring for an employment contract as that is what I am seen as and employees are not afforded love and respect etc. only a salary.
Unfortunately my DC are now seeing this and recognising some of this dysfunctional dynamic where I do everything and receive nothing.
Their comments fall on deaf ears (DH) but I am worried they have registered all this and see what we have created as a normal family life.

I believe that things can only detiorate unless you act now. That 80% will turn into 99% very soon and you will have wasted precious time being unappreciated and miserable.

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HollyHunter18 · 27/04/2018 08:56

He did used to live in a shit tip when I met him except when cleaner had been ( I only saw the shit tip side later on). TeacupHiccup thanks for your posts - not harsh but just misunderstanding as my husband dies not get annoyed by children ever, only ever with me and he does not want fun/ noise etc to stop, he is not strict rather he is the opposite- indulgent and contradicting. He does not set high standards for me - rather he tells me my standards are too high and I should always do less. He hates that I am always in the go but that’s who I am. We are very opposite in many ways. He likes staying in- I’m always itching to get out of the house.

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Thiswasit · 27/04/2018 08:56

Teacuphiccup ....such a great post, how insightful.

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Thiswasit · 27/04/2018 08:59

Or not, for Holly

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HollyHunter18 · 27/04/2018 09:17

Sorry 😐

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Teacuphiccup · 27/04/2018 09:18

But you said in your previous posts that he expects you to do all the housework etc and also be responsible for getting him up.
So basically he wants you to do all these things but not when he can see you because he’d rather have chill time with you.
So he wants you to do these things when he’s not there so you’re rushing around like a blue arsed fly getting everything done when he’s at work.
I would bet my bottom dollar that if you stopped doing then he’d complain.
He gave you a list of things he wasn’t going to do not that didn’t need doing.

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Teacuphiccup · 27/04/2018 09:21

He doesn’t have to get annoyed with the children, getting annoyed with you is bad enough.

Does he ever put you down in front of the kids? Framing himself to be the good guy and you to be a killjoy?

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TatianaLarina · 27/04/2018 09:23

rather he tells me my standards are too high and I should always do less.

Can you see that by printing a list of eveything he won’t do he is demanding that you do them. But then he gets to act the nice guy on the surface by telling you to do less?

If he really wanted you to do less he could do some of the chores himself.

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TatianaLarina · 27/04/2018 09:24

He does set high standards for you by producing, effectively, a list of demands.

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Teacuphiccup · 27/04/2018 09:27

I don’t think anything we say to you now will make you see what’s going on, but it sounds like you’re waking up.
Know that there’s thousands of women here who have been in your situation and have your back when you need it.

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HollyHunter18 · 27/04/2018 09:48

I’m
Just very confused and terrified of hurting my kids- particularly my son who has possible asd and I am also terrified of ruining him. He has no one else really in this country.

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Zaphodsotherhead · 27/04/2018 09:51

Your kids will be fine. They will find a 'new normal' and you are strong enough for all of them. Don't let your son's possible ASD diagnosis hold you to a relationship that will only get worse - when your son starts growing up and demonstrating challenging behaviour, how do you think your DH will cope with that?

And don't worry about 'ruining' him. He will find other people to control, the same way he controls you, by throwing money at the problem. He will be fine.

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Teacuphiccup · 27/04/2018 09:55

It is confusing and terrifying.
But I promise you won’t ruin your kids. They’ll just get used to it.

Do you have any friends in real life?

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Ikabod · 27/04/2018 10:07

He wrote a list? Seriously? Shock
If my DH tried that (he wouldn't but if he did) my exact words would be "you can fuck off with that list for a start, love".
Jeez! The gall of the man!

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HollyHunter18 · 27/04/2018 10:09

I don’t have a friendship group really. I have scattered friends some of whom I never see because I can’t make the effort as it’s very hard with my son and they are busy. Because I’ve moved around and because my marriage is unhappy and I’m unhappy and very tired I’m not the best company. I generally have put not into my relationships than I ha e got out in general.

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HollyHunter18 · 27/04/2018 10:11

The list was about 3 years ago when my son was small and I did tell him to fuck off. I do stand up for myself but then I get lectures and told I’m “ unreasonable”. I get shouted/ sworn at and then told its because of my “behaviour “. When I then start crying/ shouting/ swearing I get told “ don’t tell me not to shout and swear if you’re doing it!”

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TheABC · 27/04/2018 10:40

Just read back to yourself what you have written here. You have a husband who did not even step up when you were in septic shock. Who does nothing except grind you down and ignores your feelings. That 20% niceness? That's literally just lip service to keep you attached.

Have a long hard think about your marriage.You have already admitted you are unhappy. Do you want this for the next 10 years?

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Thiswasit · 27/04/2018 10:55

Referring back to what you said previously...housework has to be done at weekends when there is only one person doing it and attending to the kids constantly. My DH thought that I used to save it up for the weekends for some reason.

If he cared about you he would lighten the load.

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Euphrasia · 27/04/2018 11:02

He's living in the fifties. Sounds like you were too. Time to get a calendar and start living your life not just facilitating his.

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Teacuphiccup · 27/04/2018 11:07

‘I’m unhappy and very tired I’m not the best company.’

This makes my spidy sense tingle, it sounds like your repeating things you’ve heard.

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pebkac · 27/04/2018 11:40

There may be an element of this being related to being from SA. My husband is from SA. Had a maid also. She was his minder while being housekeeper and had him strapped to her back as she worked. So nobody directly focused for him in the daytime, paid or parental, unless family visited or came home from work. Growing up around adults and being expected to fit in around them always, means he's not truly playful and his own kids must fit in around him as he fit in around his mother. Showboating from playgrounds all over town while the little thorough cleaning that got done was being done by me at home.

In my experience, it is a very backward and sexist society and the wives and girlfriends are expected to run around and tend to their manchildz. The only well-organised item I ever found of his was a neatly punched folder of his bank statements. I thought 'What ho! there's hope! ' His ex had done his paperwork. He was 27.

There have been things said to me that would give the average, let's say, UK and ROI entitled slob pause. It's going to take a counsellor to get it across to him. Have you put it to him that he's not in step with modern fatherhood? That he is lazy by even other men's standards?

This is not to hijack, but to bolster you in that there may a cultural (stone)wall to bust through. Are the fathers in his workplace detached as well? Because that doesn't help either. The best of luck to you, you're not alone Flowers

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HollyHunter18 · 27/04/2018 12:17

Yes my husband had the same upbringing exactly. He can be playful though as I think his father was with him. He duds too socialise at work. The problrm is that he will blame me too for not helping. Don’t get me wrong he will clean up after a meal if I ask him, empty the dishwasher, put bins out, do the odd bit of diy, hang out some washing if he is feeling generous. He hates any garden work etc and his attitude is always to pay someone else to do it. I really wouldn’t mind so much if he didn’t then make me feel so uncomfortable when multi tasking and was a bit more appreciative.

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Teacuphiccup · 27/04/2018 12:18

Why cant you just pay people to do it?
If there was no housework would you have a happy marriage?

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