To expect him to do a load of other shit too?

[HollyHunter18]

I get up at 6 each morning with my baby and make sure I’m out of the shower so my dh can shower at 7 as he commutes. This week he has overslept a couple of times and I’ve been changing nappies last minute a couple of times and he hasn’t got in shower unril7:15 but generally I’ve always been punctual for him even when baby was under 3 months and my son is only 3.5 with suspected ASD. My husband commutes but literally does no housework or anything else to do with running the home except occasionally putting the bin out, occasionally unloading/ unloading dishwasher. I ask him to occasionally take a basket of laundry up/down the stairs. When he complained this morning that I wasn’t always up so he could get in shower I reminded him that he chose to oversleep and ( were in separate beds and not getting along) and that it isn’t my job to wake him. “ it’s not my job to do a whole lot of other shit” was his reply. And he doesn’t. When my son was about 3 months old he wrote and printed out a list of everything he wasn’t prepared to do and what he was “ laundry relating to the children only”. He never did my son’s laundry. He’s a loving father but I get nothing from him and input a meal on the table every night, do his laundry, do housework etc. I am a stay at home mum and he has a job with lots of responsibility and commutes but he seems to resent doing the smallest things and is ready to pull me up when I slip a couple of times. Unreasonable of me?

A hell of a time

@HollyHunter18 sweetheart, how you have put up with this arrogant man I don't know but I take my hat off to you.
It's not fair, you need to speak up, your a mother not a machine!
Men seem to think we can wash up, feed baby, hoover, do laundry all at the same time like we have 8 arms.
For your own sanity and dignity, next time he moans tell him where to go and say it's about time you chipped in with the house work, and really put your foot down. X

Putting my foot down will only result in a blazing row.

You won't put your foot down by fed up of his behaviour.

I don't know what else to suggest, you need to do some thinking and work out what you really want and if your happy in this relationship, because it sounds like you just do as he wants because it's easier than sticking up for yourself.

The balls in your court

So what do you see happening OP? If you aren’t willing to do anything to change the situation what will happen?

he wrote and printed out a list of everything he wasn’t prepared to do

What the actual fuck?!

So you are both resentful and the sticky plasters over your marriage are not working.

Was the baby (not sure if the kids are just yours, or if he is the actual father?) another sticky plaster? Like the 'big' house was?

I feels sorry for BOTH of you.

Poor buggers.

Holly

Re your comment:-

I want to move back to where I’m from if we divorce but worry the kids will never see him and blame me.

I would move back. Why would your kids blame you, its a nonsense really. Its not your childrens responsibility for them to be seeing their father; it is his. If he chooses not to see much of them going forward that is his choice. Staying for the kids is never a good idea and its a heavy burden to place upon a child. Your children will not say thanks mum to you for staying within such a marriage; they will wonder of you why you are so weak and continued to put this man before them. They may also resent you bitterly for staying despite you being unhappy yourself.

"As he can be quite nasty ( also confusingly very nice too) I worry about having a man angry with me the rest of my life and blaming me for theirs".

What you describe in the first part of your sentence is really an abusive man; the nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one. Your kids will only blame you if you are fool enough to stay within this for your own reasons, you're not staying for them. I asked you what you got out of this relationship with him; as you could not or would not answer that, that should tell you a great deal. He will in all likelihood continue to remain just as obstructive should you divorce him as well.

You will never get the validation you so seek from your H because he is in this for his own self alone. You cannot also protect your children fully from his abuses of you either and they can and do pick up on all the vibes.

Did your parents behave similarly in their relationship when you were growing up?. Why have you stayed with such a man to date, what is your pay off here?.

He is truly and utterly horrible this is not remotely normal or healthy, he sounds absolutely vile, why on earth do you stay with such a nasty piece of shit.

Sounds like my marriage. I gave a child with ASD too. It’s been soul destroying living with someone who isn’t invested in you or the home. Explains why we are divorcing. I cannot wait to not have to deal with this shitty behaviour any longer.

You know, some people actually like the people they live with. They want their chosen person to be happy and healthy and do things to make that happen. They try and lighten their load by doing things for them. Even if it’s not strictly “your” job. Love is a verb. I know that sounds really cheesy but it’s actually true. When you love someone that means you actually do things that are loving and caring. It doesn’t mean “I’d miss you if you left” it means “I am taking care of you by doing things to make your life with me enjoyable and pleasant because your happiness is very important to me”

He's nice to you bcs he's training you - you are rewarded when you are meek and quiet.

Please do the Freedom Programme. Online if you must but going along to a group is much more powerful. I mean it, please do this course - it will be the making of you.

He's training you to be his compliant servant and he is vicious if you don't comply. He is a bad man.

I don’t think he’s consciously training me I just think that’s how he thinks I should be. He talks a lot about my ‘behaviour ‘ which really gets to me. Apparently it’s my behaviour which causes al our problems.

Wake up Holly, the man is a controlling arsehole that sees you no more than a domestic appliance; you don't have to stay in a toxic relationship, esp if you have children, I'd not want my kids around such a bullying man.

He's not your dad.

LTB

Seriously.

Leave and get a little house all on your own where you only have to look after yourself and a baby. Get maintenance and let him do all his own domestic duties and you enjoy the time to yourself when your child visits his dad.

You are not a servant. Go, be happy.

Sounds like the 'full assistance' thread we had the other week.

Smeddum, I say this as someone who knows asd in great depth, not as a flippant comment. Lots of typical asd behaviours, in adults, can come across to others, as being a bit of a dick. This guy sounds like he has a total lack of theory of mind, unable to understand or even any awareness of wanting to understand, someone else's feelings / position / needs etc. And deciding a printed list is needed, possibly in an attempt to avoid a conversation about it. He sounds rigid and prone to outbursts. It's not an impossibility that someone can be both on the autistic spectrum and also happen to be a bit of a dick. ASD has a heavy genetic component so even less beyond the realms of possibility.

@iambreezy why didn’t you say all that at first then? Because the first post wasn’t great, and because I’m autistic and my kids are autistic I got pissed off.
But with respect how was I to know you have extensive knowledge?

You could've said, "why do you think that?" Rather than making an assumption. I also pressed 'post' too quick 😂

@iambreezy fair point! I’m afraid that my default position is to go on the defensive after years of shit, so I’m sorry for being defensive with you.

No worries - I should have explained myself better.

@iambreezy and I should have asked next time I’ll try to be less defensive.

And I wasn't blaming op for her husband's behaviour, I was asking why op specifically had to have a 'big' house in London. i'e. close to family support etc.