To expect him to do a load of other shit too?

[HollyHunter18]

I get up at 6 each morning with my baby and make sure I’m out of the shower so my dh can shower at 7 as he commutes. This week he has overslept a couple of times and I’ve been changing nappies last minute a couple of times and he hasn’t got in shower unril7:15 but generally I’ve always been punctual for him even when baby was under 3 months and my son is only 3.5 with suspected ASD. My husband commutes but literally does no housework or anything else to do with running the home except occasionally putting the bin out, occasionally unloading/ unloading dishwasher. I ask him to occasionally take a basket of laundry up/down the stairs. When he complained this morning that I wasn’t always up so he could get in shower I reminded him that he chose to oversleep and ( were in separate beds and not getting along) and that it isn’t my job to wake him. “ it’s not my job to do a whole lot of other shit” was his reply. And he doesn’t. When my son was about 3 months old he wrote and printed out a list of everything he wasn’t prepared to do and what he was “ laundry relating to the children only”. He never did my son’s laundry. He’s a loving father but I get nothing from him and input a meal on the table every night, do his laundry, do housework etc. I am a stay at home mum and he has a job with lots of responsibility and commutes but he seems to resent doing the smallest things and is ready to pull me up when I slip a couple of times. Unreasonable of me?

[Thiswasit]

My DH had a similar upbringing but due to a father being absent most of the time. His mother did everything for them...but the funny thing is, his siblings are not at all like this.
I think that I have enabled my DH to behave this way after so much time thinking that my role as a SAHM included being taken for granted and ignored whilst doing every single thing involving childcare and household stuff.
Sorry to keep including references to my own situation but I think that you could be me in a few years.....and still feeling the same disappointment but magnified ten times.

[TatianaLarina]

The list was about 3 years ago when my son was small and I did tell him to fuck off. I do stand up for myself but then I get lectures and told I’m “ unreasonable”. I get shouted/ sworn at and then told its because of my “behaviour “. When I then start crying/ shouting/ swearing I get told “ don’t tell me not to shout and swear if you’re doing it”

This is absolutely typical emotional abuse.

[TatianaLarina]

In this scenario I think the thing that would really affect the kids is angry (I don’t mean with them) unhappy mother who’s always tired.

Separation in itself is not a disaster, particularly if they end up with a mother who is much happier and more relaxed.

[Blaablaablaa]

He's not a loving dad. He's a horrible human being. If my DH gave me a list like that he wouldn't be my DH for much longer.

If you live in the house and helped make the children then you deal with all the responsibilities that brings equally ( or proportionally depending on your situation) one person doesn't get to check out.

[Adora10]

FGS, having to ask a grown adult to clean up his own shit, how depressing, you have a child there OP and a nasty one at that.

You sound like you are in an army and he's your saergent. I could not tolerate someone criticising me all the time when I am doing all the bloody work.

[Teacuphiccup]

What else do you argue about?

[Teacuphiccup]

So he just wants to pay someone to do it but can’t afford it, so in other words he just wants you to do it.

[HollyHunter18]

You can’t pay someone else to do everything unless you’re rich! Also that would mean having a live in servant. It’s not only housework that we disagree on.

[Teacuphiccup]

Why cant you just pay people to do it?
If there was no housework would you have a happy marriage?

[HollyHunter18]

Yes my husband had the same upbringing exactly. He can be playful though as I think his father was with him. He duds too socialise at work. The problrm is that he will blame me too for not helping. Don’t get me wrong he will clean up after a meal if I ask him, empty the dishwasher, put bins out, do the odd bit of diy, hang out some washing if he is feeling generous. He hates any garden work etc and his attitude is always to pay someone else to do it. I really wouldn’t mind so much if he didn’t then make me feel so uncomfortable when multi tasking and was a bit more appreciative.

[pebkac]

There may be an element of this being related to being from SA. My husband is from SA. Had a maid also. She was his minder while being housekeeper and had him strapped to her back as she worked. So nobody directly focused for him in the daytime, paid or parental, unless family visited or came home from work. Growing up around adults and being expected to fit in around them always, means he's not truly playful and his own kids must fit in around him as he fit in around his mother. Showboating from playgrounds all over town while the little thorough cleaning that got done was being done by me at home.

In my experience, it is a very backward and sexist society and the wives and girlfriends are expected to run around and tend to their manchildz. The only well-organised item I ever found of his was a neatly punched folder of his bank statements. I thought 'What ho! there's hope! ' His ex had done his paperwork. He was 27.

There have been things said to me that would give the average, let's say, UK and ROI entitled slob pause. It's going to take a counsellor to get it across to him. Have you put it to him that he's not in step with modern fatherhood? That he is lazy by even other men's standards?

This is not to hijack, but to bolster you in that there may a cultural (stone)wall to bust through. Are the fathers in his workplace detached as well? Because that doesn't help either. The best of luck to you, you're not alone

[Teacuphiccup]

‘I’m unhappy and very tired I’m not the best company.’

This makes my spidy sense tingle, it sounds like your repeating things you’ve heard.

[Euphrasia]

He's living in the fifties. Sounds like you were too. Time to get a calendar and start living your life not just facilitating his.

[Thiswasit]

Referring back to what you said previously...housework has to be done at weekends when there is only one person doing it and attending to the kids constantly. My DH thought that I used to save it up for the weekends for some reason.

If he cared about you he would lighten the load.

[TheABC]

Just read back to yourself what you have written here. You have a husband who did not even step up when you were in septic shock. Who does nothing except grind you down and ignores your feelings. That 20% niceness? That's literally just lip service to keep you attached.

Have a long hard think about your marriage.You have already admitted you are unhappy. Do you want this for the next 10 years?

[HollyHunter18]

The list was about 3 years ago when my son was small and I did tell him to fuck off. I do stand up for myself but then I get lectures and told I’m “ unreasonable”. I get shouted/ sworn at and then told its because of my “behaviour “. When I then start crying/ shouting/ swearing I get told “ don’t tell me not to shout and swear if you’re doing it!”

[HollyHunter18]

I don’t have a friendship group really. I have scattered friends some of whom I never see because I can’t make the effort as it’s very hard with my son and they are busy. Because I’ve moved around and because my marriage is unhappy and I’m unhappy and very tired I’m not the best company. I generally have put not into my relationships than I ha e got out in general.

[Ikabod]

He wrote a list? Seriously?
If my DH tried that (he wouldn't but if he did) my exact words would be "you can fuck off with that list for a start, love".
Jeez! The gall of the man!

[Teacuphiccup]

It is confusing and terrifying.
But I promise you won’t ruin your kids. They’ll just get used to it.

Do you have any friends in real life?

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Your kids will be fine. They will find a 'new normal' and you are strong enough for all of them. Don't let your son's possible ASD diagnosis hold you to a relationship that will only get worse - when your son starts growing up and demonstrating challenging behaviour, how do you think your DH will cope with that?

And don't worry about 'ruining' him. He will find other people to control, the same way he controls you, by throwing money at the problem. He will be fine.

[HollyHunter18]

I’m
Just very confused and terrified of hurting my kids- particularly my son who has possible asd and I am also terrified of ruining him. He has no one else really in this country.

[Teacuphiccup]

I don’t think anything we say to you now will make you see what’s going on, but it sounds like you’re waking up.
Know that there’s thousands of women here who have been in your situation and have your back when you need it.

[TatianaLarina]

He does set high standards for you by producing, effectively, a list of demands.

[TatianaLarina]

rather he tells me my standards are too high and I should always do less.

Can you see that by printing a list of eveything he won’t do he is demanding that you do them. But then he gets to act the nice guy on the surface by telling you to do less?

If he really wanted you to do less he could do some of the chores himself.

[Teacuphiccup]

He doesn’t have to get annoyed with the children, getting annoyed with you is bad enough.

Does he ever put you down in front of the kids? Framing himself to be the good guy and you to be a killjoy?