Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

To expect him to do a load of other shit too?

133 replies

HollyHunter18 · 26/04/2018 08:37

I get up at 6 each morning with my baby and make sure I’m out of the shower so my dh can shower at 7 as he commutes. This week he has overslept a couple of times and I’ve been changing nappies last minute a couple of times and he hasn’t got in shower unril7:15 but generally I’ve always been punctual for him even when baby was under 3 months and my son is only 3.5 with suspected ASD. My husband commutes but literally does no housework or anything else to do with running the home except occasionally putting the bin out, occasionally unloading/ unloading dishwasher. I ask him to occasionally take a basket of laundry up/down the stairs. When he complained this morning that I wasn’t always up so he could get in shower I reminded him that he chose to oversleep and ( were in separate beds and not getting along) and that it isn’t my job to wake him. “ it’s not my job to do a whole lot of other shit” was his reply. And he doesn’t. When my son was about 3 months old he wrote and printed out a list of everything he wasn’t prepared to do and what he was “ laundry relating to the children only”. He never did my son’s laundry. He’s a loving father but I get nothing from him and input a meal on the table every night, do his laundry, do housework etc. I am a stay at home mum and he has a job with lots of responsibility and commutes but he seems to resent doing the smallest things and is ready to pull me up when I slip a couple of times. Unreasonable of me?

OP posts:

Original poster

HollyHunter18 · 26/04/2018 14:53

It has crossed my mind about him being on spectrum but he can be very outgoing and entertaining, charming even. The reason it’s crossed my mind is he’s highly intelligent but very black and white about things and I literally feel like banging my head against a wall trying to get him to see my position on things. My emotions make him angry.

OP posts:

Original poster

HollyHunter18 · 26/04/2018 14:54

He will also wear crumpled clothes and dirty shoes etc with no care. Of course I don’t mean to generalise about asd, I am still learning.

OP posts:

Adora10 · 26/04/2018 14:54

Don't care if he is, he's treating you like crap; he sounds like a Dictator, fuck that, I'd rather be on my own with my kids and live in peace.

Teacuphiccup · 26/04/2018 15:15

Would it make a difference if he is on the spectrum?

He’s treating her like crap and I’m sure there’s lots and lots of people with ASD who don’t treat their partners like that.

iambreezy · 26/04/2018 15:19

I suggest you do some reading around asd in adults (recommend Tony Atwood books), as being charming and sociable on occasions doesn't mean he doesn't have social communication problems. It's very relevant if he has asd or not as it means you could (eventually) work this one out... If you wanted to. Or not.

Original poster

HollyHunter18 · 26/04/2018 15:22

If he were he would never entertain the idea.

OP posts:

Teacuphiccup · 26/04/2018 15:26

It is not your job to diagnose or fix him. There is no point reading up about stuff if he doesn’t think anything is wrong.

Leave, go, never look back and be happy!

Smeddum · 26/04/2018 15:51

He’s treating her like crap and I’m sure there’s lots and lots of people with ASD who don’t treat their partners like that

I very much agree with this!

lubeybooby · 26/04/2018 15:57

he's part of a family and doesn't get to live as if he is staying in a hotel with staff doing everything for him. He needs reminding of this and how much a sahm saves the family in childcare etc

If he's never going to understand that stuff then you're better off without

Adora10 · 26/04/2018 16:04

Who wants to share their life, their home the lot with a demanding petulant self important prick like this, sorry OP, but I think you have normalised what is really abusive behaviour on his part. If you could get some distance from him, in time, you would come to realise this, it's far more harder to do that when he's there, telling you what to do all the time.

StormTreader · 26/04/2018 16:58

"My emotions make him angry."
Of course they do, because they are inconvenient. If your washing machine started refusing to work and saying it was sad because you weren't nice enough to it, you'd be annoyed, wouldn't you?

"Putting my foot down will only result in a blazing row."
And that's why, because he knows the blazing row is the way to get you to back down and keep quiet. You NEED to have that blazing row, probably a few of then, because staying quiet and waiting for him to treat you better will never ever work.

Taking the kids to the park once a week doesnt make him a good dad, you could make friends with a mum at their school who would do that. Being a father is more than paying some of the bills and giving the kids an hour on the swings.

Original poster

HollyHunter18 · 26/04/2018 17:13

Often he’s there telling me what not to do- not to do too many things at once etc but since I am the only one to do them I have no choice. Isn’t I ask
Him to do things he leaves it to the last minute. He complained that I never spend time with him because I’m always cleaning/ laundry etc and I can’t stand spending time with him but u texted right explain I NEED to do these things but I also said if he’d upset me I didn’t want to spend time with him. He thinks we should all be together at weekends but if we are then I need to multi task like mad before and after any outing.

OP posts:

Teacuphiccup · 26/04/2018 17:14

Leave him

Teacuphiccup · 26/04/2018 17:16

I’m sorry if it sounds like I’m being dismissive, I’m really not.

Reading your posts is giving me second hand anxiety, he sounds like such hard work and like you never ever get to switch off.

My Mam had a partner like this and I can’t tell you how damaging it was to grow up like that. The minute she left them it was like a new life, like there was colour again, laughter was allowed in the house once more.

Please leave.

Juells · 26/04/2018 17:18

Ah FFS, I can't even read it it's so annoying. He has you by the short and curlies, and he's twisting.

lifebegins50 · 26/04/2018 19:38

Don't have a blazing row as that will just give him ammunition to say you are crazy.It will just make you exhausted and achieve nothing.

Instead calmly state what you want.Its often when you can finally see his responses and inability to change then you realise what the future holds.

Does he seem to care about your needs?
Does he compromise?
Does he react if you look tired/ill?
Does he make you happy?
Are you energised when around him?

Your children are tiny so its difficult to plan your future as all your energy must be going into your children.
Make sure you are not hiding his behaviour from your family or friends.

Original poster

HollyHunter18 · 26/04/2018 21:25

lifebegins50 you sound like you really understand.

-No I don’t feel he cares about my needs

-If I look I’ll/tired he doesn’t notice. When I was going into septic shock he told me to just calm down.

-He makes my unhappy 80 percent of the time but I cling to the 20 percent which includes telling me I’m wonderful, a great mum and can include generous gifts etc.

-No he doesn’t compromise

-When I’m around him I mostly feel angry and very tense physically. When I think about old age/ retirement with him I feel desperate.

I feel so sad about it because we had sommuch going for us potentially .

I feel so sad for my children- particularly my baby daughter who will completely miss out if I leave him. There is not even one photo of us together as a family.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 26/04/2018 21:50

He sounds like a very strange man. I've never heard of this list making, but I did spend part of my childhood in a country where we had servants/house helps. A cleaner, gardener and a cook at one point.

If he's had that most of his life...It's probably all he knows...However you are not his servant. His mother wasn't doing the chores...so he as the other adult needs to step up a bit more.

Neither of you seem happy... what's the plan going forwards?

Peachsnowpop · 26/04/2018 22:01

I never wake my H when he's overslept even if that means he's late for work. Its not my job, I'm busy trying to get my 3 boys out the door. I don't need another child to have to think of. My h does v v little in doors so I no longer do his laundry or food shopping.
Your H sounds like a knob like mine is. Sorry not much help but I sympathise xx

Nanny0gg · 26/04/2018 23:29

I feel so sad for my children- particularly my baby daughter who will completely miss out if I leave him. There is not even one photo of us together as a family.

Miss out on what, exactly?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 26/04/2018 23:44

Your daughter will miss out on living with an abusive cock of a father and miserable downtrodden mother. Tbh, I reckon she could do without that.

lifebegins50 · 26/04/2018 23:50

Holly, I'm so sorry it is tough for you especially when you have such young children but they will give you joy in a few years.All the hard work will be worth it.

I think you are at the stage of awakening, trying to fit the pieces together whilst also struggling to get through the day.
I felt completely drained by ex and didn't realise the extent until I left.I now have the same workload, probadly more as ex did household chores but I feel much better.
I also get more support as obviously a single mum when in reality I was always single but married.

A line in the sand for me was "would ex be there for me if I was ill"..I knew the answer was No as he had proved it many times.

Ironically I have been ill post separation and have felt so supported because I now surround myself with those who genuinely care for me.

I suspect you are a very strong person, which is why you are focussing on chores.However I think your needs/feelings have been invalidated for so long that you have lost touch with what you need.

All I can suggest is prioritise yourself, if money allows, then outsource what you can.Get yourself into a strong financial position, savings in your name and make sure you are knowledgeable about all finances.

If you separate it is in some ways easier as the children grow up not knowing a difference and they are accepting.We all want the united family but it doesn't mean you and the dc can't be happy.
Do start to tell close family or friends

Shoxfordian · 27/04/2018 06:44

Being unhappy 80% of the time is no way to live Holly. Can you stay with any family or friends? He sounds awful.

DownTownAbbey · 27/04/2018 07:23

I used to have one of these. I grew to hate him.

Does he update his Facebook status when out at the park with his DC by any chance? Mine did. Despite his Facebook feed he wasn't a good father, he was a selfish cock doing the bare minimum.

You have a house to go to. Go! Future you will love you for it.

Original poster

HollyHunter18 · 27/04/2018 08:27

No Facebook but he has told me he’s an” excellent father”. He’s back in the nice part of the cycle this morning telling me when I told him
I was going to a mums fitness class that I’d be “ the prettiest girl there” 😒. I’m in my early 40s, he knows I hates this so corrected it to “ mummy”. It’s sad but I still want the family I thought I’d have and I do still Love him as he is extremely intelligent, can be hilarious and has made me laugh like no one else, handsome when not making nasty faces at me and can be very kind. I know 😕

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6