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Original poster

To expect him to do a load of other shit too?

133 replies

HollyHunter18 · 26/04/2018 08:37

I get up at 6 each morning with my baby and make sure I’m out of the shower so my dh can shower at 7 as he commutes. This week he has overslept a couple of times and I’ve been changing nappies last minute a couple of times and he hasn’t got in shower unril7:15 but generally I’ve always been punctual for him even when baby was under 3 months and my son is only 3.5 with suspected ASD. My husband commutes but literally does no housework or anything else to do with running the home except occasionally putting the bin out, occasionally unloading/ unloading dishwasher. I ask him to occasionally take a basket of laundry up/down the stairs. When he complained this morning that I wasn’t always up so he could get in shower I reminded him that he chose to oversleep and ( were in separate beds and not getting along) and that it isn’t my job to wake him. “ it’s not my job to do a whole lot of other shit” was his reply. And he doesn’t. When my son was about 3 months old he wrote and printed out a list of everything he wasn’t prepared to do and what he was “ laundry relating to the children only”. He never did my son’s laundry. He’s a loving father but I get nothing from him and input a meal on the table every night, do his laundry, do housework etc. I am a stay at home mum and he has a job with lots of responsibility and commutes but he seems to resent doing the smallest things and is ready to pull me up when I slip a couple of times. Unreasonable of me?

OP posts:
Tinkobell · 26/04/2018 09:26

I think your DH is way over-stepping the opt-out on the domestic chores that his job affords him. IMO It is fair that the SAH person does the bulk of the house chores mid-week and facilitates the life of the breadwinner. My DH has a big job, commutes each day and I can honestly say pulls his weight at home, with the little time he's got left.
Sounds like you've actually got a stroppy third kid here. You need to talk like adults not respond to silly written ultimatums or lists.

Juells · 26/04/2018 09:26

Blimey, a list of things he wasn't prepared to do. 😨

I sometimes feel vaguely guilty when I remember my husband standing in a messy living-room and yelling "Somebody has to take control of this house" and my yelling back "Well it's not going to be me". 😂

I never undertook to be a housekeeper. Who thinks that's going to be their lot in life when they're waltzing up the aisle?

viques · 26/04/2018 09:28

Your working day starts at 6.00 while he is still in his pit. What time do your kids go to bed, I'm assuming 7.00 pm at the earliest. Already your working day is 13 hours long. And this is before you have trotted around in the evening feeding and tending to the domestic needs of your man child. and I am willing to bet that you are the one on call every night for your kids

I would start cutting down on some of the things that he sees as your responsibility. Like waking him up (!), cooking for him, washing his clothes , changing his bed sheets...... Concentrate on caring for yourself and the children if he doesn't want to step up to the plate and behave like a real father and accept that his role is more than providing most of the money.

summerinthecountry · 26/04/2018 09:28

There is no love lost between you, and I am not surprised.

I have a similar arrangement too, as my dh is only home for two hours a day between working and sleeping, enough time to eat, shower and read a story to the dc, so if your dh is doing the same then I can see why it is you that does most things at home for the moment.

That said, things change at the weekend. He cooks all meals, does all the beds, looks after dc and does all sorts of housework. He does not get to put his feet up and do nothing. We all work at the weekends, and we all rest at the weekends once everything is done together.

Try and carve out some time for a break from the dc every weekend maybe each of you have two hours off. Then you divide everything up, all the jobs. You have a young baby and toddler it is hard work, but you can make this work for both of you.
Every Saturday could be your night together, little ones in bed and something lovely to eat or a babysitter for a few hours.

You might feel much more happier with simple changes.

If he doesn't agree then you need to talk, because you sound resentful already. He needs to pull his weight, and you need to feel valued.

iambreezy · 26/04/2018 09:34

He could probably do with an assessment for ASD too....

NordicNobody · 26/04/2018 09:42

I'm a sahm and we split the housework pretty evenly. Your DH sounds like a tosser. If dp gave me a list like that he'd immediately win himself the prize of doing every bloody thing around the house forever more!

Smeddum · 26/04/2018 09:42

He could probably do with an assessment for ASD too....

Please don’t start with that shite. ASD is not a reason or an excuse for being a shit person. Neither is it symptomatic of ASD for someone to treat people disrespectfully or like shite. Blunt, maybe, but not disdainful.

Pisses me right off when someone pops up on a thread where someone has behaved outrageously and a poster pops up with “ooh maybe they’re autistic.” No, they’re a dick. There is a massive difference.

SleepingStandingUp · 26/04/2018 09:50

facilitates the life of the breadwinner
Say what now??

Original poster
HollyHunter18 · 26/04/2018 09:54

Yes I think it’s fair I do everything during the week. As I said he does get up with our son and take him into bed with him if he wakes during the night. He would say he would do more if I asked him less but that’s not true he never takes initiative to make things easier for me. He gets at me for always repeating myself, always reminding him what I have to do ( I’m reminding him because at the weekend in order to do chores I need him to be with my son as I can do little with both children). He says I need constant validation because he rarely says anything affirming to me and it’s hard and lonely. He’d say that I don’t let him be the parent he wants to be because I sometimes get irritated with him if he makes something harder for me or undermines my efforts with our son. I rent out my old house and contribute this to the joint account. I do this so we can pay the mortgage on the big home in London I wanted which means he has a long commute to another city. He does respect the children and love them. He grew up not having to lift a finger domestically. All the family worked in the family business including the children when old enough and not at school. They had maids at home as it was SA. I think he’s worked v hard in life and feels entitled.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/04/2018 09:58

You said it in your last sentence; entitled. That is precisely how he feels and is; his own home life growing up with maids who did everything saw to that as well.

Nanny0gg · 26/04/2018 09:59

So do you want to carry on living like this for the next however-many years?

Buckingfrolicks · 26/04/2018 10:02

He's a prick.

OrchidInTheSun · 26/04/2018 10:03

Blimey @summerinthecountry - I have a 2 hour commute and I'm awake more hours than that! Does your husband do 12 hour shifts?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/04/2018 10:03

"He would say he would do more if I asked him less but that’s not true he never takes initiative to make things easier for me. He gets at me for always repeating myself, always reminding him what I have to do ( I’m reminding him because at the weekend in order to do chores I need him to be with my son as I can do little with both children). He says I need constant validation because he rarely says anything affirming to me and it’s hard and lonely. He’d say that I don’t let him be the parent he wants to be because I sometimes get irritated with him if he makes something harder for me or undermines my efforts with our son."

This projecting is what abusive men do; he is the one who is like this and all he is doing here is projecting his own self onto you. This person really and truly only cares about his own self. I would imagine he is verbally abusive towards you as well as a further means of having power and control over you.

"I rent out my old house and contribute this to the joint account"
TBH I think you would be better off giving notice to the lodgers and moving back into your house given just how crap things are at home. Its no sanctuary for you is it and not for your kids either.

"I do this so we can pay the mortgage on the big home in London I wanted which means he has a long commute to another city".

Why did you want such a home or was that mainly his idea?.

"He does respect the children and love them"
You're really kidding yourself here if you think that of him. Well you would like to think that he does but he does not love you as their mother nor respects you. Therefore he does not respect his children either. The only person this man loves is him.

Juells · 26/04/2018 10:09

Get rid of your tenants, move back to the house you own, and sell the house with the big mortgage. I wonder if the house you own is now half his?

You're 'the servant'.

He would say he would do more if I asked him less
Yeah, a lot of us have heard that one. 😂

KnittinKitten · 26/04/2018 10:14

Wow!

It’s not a family is it? It’s a business arrangement with added contempt. He thibkhe is very clever and believes he has outsourced all his personal responsibilities. All nice and neat for him. He pays, you do. You don’t get to outsource parenting. Childcare, yes, whilst you are at work. But parenting is a different thing. His parenting responsibilities exist whether he works or not.

In your shoes Op I would love back into the rented out house.

ijustwannadance · 26/04/2018 10:15

Why did you want a big expensive house in London?
Surely as you don't work it would make more sense for him to not have the big commute?

Smeddum · 26/04/2018 10:18

He gets at me for always repeating myself, always reminding him what I have to do ( I’m reminding him because at the weekend in order to do chores I need him to be with my son as I can do little with both children). He says I need constant validation because he rarely says anything affirming to me and it’s hard and lonely. He’d say that I don’t let him be the parent he wants to be because I sometimes get irritated with him if he makes something harder for me or undermines my efforts with our son. I rent out my old house and contribute this to the joint account. I do this so we can pay the mortgage on the big home in London I wanted which means he has a long commute to another city. He does respect the children and love them. He grew up not having to lift a finger domestically.

In your heart of hearts OP, if a close friend came to you and said her DH treated her this way, what would your response be?

Smeddum · 26/04/2018 10:19

Why did you want a big expensive house in London?
Surely as you don't work it would make more sense for him to not have the big commute?

Aye because he’s not a grown man that can make his own decisions, it’s all his wife’s fault that he’s a dick. Pfft.

Original poster
HollyHunter18 · 26/04/2018 10:35

I moved to another city (small city) from London before we married as he got a great job there and I was miserable as I was very lonely and tbh we were incompatible but I couldn’t see it then. He agreed to
Move house to a commutable point. He agrees but it’s akways spoken about like it’s my fault. I even looked at moving back to this other city where he works and looked at lots of houses ( toddler in tow) but he was never enthusiastic enough about moving there for me to risk being so unhappy again and because the marriage has never felt stable I didn’t want to get stuck there. He can’t move jobs because his work is very specialised. I want to move back to where I’m from if we divorce but worry the kids will never see him and blame me. As he can be quite nasty ( also confusingly very nice too) I worry about having a man angry with me the rest of my life and blaming me for theirs.

OP posts:
Justanotherzombie · 26/04/2018 10:36

He’s a shit.

notapizzaeater · 26/04/2018 10:36

You are not responsible for h8m being angry for the rest of his life.

kittenpawss · 26/04/2018 10:38

Are you serious? This guy is a complete dickhead who has no respect for you whatsoever.
Making a list of things he won't do??
What a knob! Who does he think he is!!!!

God id love to get a hold of him and shove him in a kitchen with a pair or marigolds!!

You need to put him in his place, he's taking the utter piss out of you!

Original poster
HollyHunter18 · 26/04/2018 10:41

The list was when my son was very s all but I’ve never forgotten it.

OP posts:
Original poster
HollyHunter18 · 26/04/2018 10:43

I get very angry because I am very resentful. My son has only just stopped breastfeeding for comfort and I’ve had a helm of a time through pregnancy and early days with new baby and jealous child with possible asd and yes I do need some validation from my oh.

OP posts:
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