Do you tolerate your partner breaking/hitting things?

[tinyx2]

Does anyone else's partner smash, hit or break things when angry? My husband does this a lot and there's several things around the house with holes in them or things we've had to repair or buy new. The last time it happened, at the start of the year I told him if it happened one more time I can't stay with him.

It happened again today. It was a trivial argument and he smashed the door on my sons tree house. Poor Ds was devastated and my husband had already stormed off. When I confronted him after I told him I still stand by what I said at the beginning of the year. I was crying and clearly upset. He's a great dad and I honestly thought our relationship was improving but I can't deal with his temper anymore. He told me he sick of me getting emotional like this (very strange as I don't remember the last time I was emotional/cried around him) and that it's laughable if I left him because of this.

I made the kids dinner and went up to the bedroom. He just came in and acted completely normal and asked if I want to go for a drive

TBH, I started to believe him that it's a bit ridiculous to leave him over this but I thought about it. There's marks in our hard wood floor from him throwing the fire poker, dints in walls and doors, curtain rails been pulled out of the wall and cracks down the sides of the plaster on our walls from his temper. I have to lie to family about what happened and I just don't think I should have to clean up after his problem anymore.

I have excused / tolerated this in the past. I will NEVER do so again. Its abuse, its designed (consciously or unconscionably) to dominate and subdue everyone else and its totally unacceptable.

My ex husband and ex partner both used violence against 'things' - just reflective of their general disrespect for me, the children and everything and everyone else.

Do NOT tolerate this

Literally everyone on this thread who said they had a parent who punched holes in their home has had difficulties and anxieties in their adult life stemming from that childhood terror.

This is the life you are giving your son. Re-read those posts. If you can't leave for you, then leave for your son.

All those good dads punching holes in the walls.....as others have said, does he destroy his workplace when he's in a mood?

many men have trouble expressing and recognizing their own emotions. it is common for it to come out as anger. that's not an excuse, however, because he could do the work to resolve this if he wanted to. he could get therapy and work on learning how to manage his emotions in a healthier way, that didn't put you and your son in danger.

fwiw, my dh gets violent when he is very frustrated but it's directed at himself and a form of self-harm. he has been in therapy for many years, including couples therapy, and got a lot better. he has learnt how to express and recognise the emotions that otherwise bubble up as anger directed towards himself. it's been really hard for him, but he works at it and the effort shows. In fact, now we have kids, my dh is working even harder to make sure that our sons learn about their emotions for instance, we never tell them they shouldn't cry etc.

is you dh prepared to do that work? is he ready to go to therapy twice a week on his own specifically to work on his anger and expressing his emotions? , and to couples therapy with you, so you can learn how to communicate better with each other? would he be prepared to take medications for anxiety, depression, or whatever else he needs? It sounds like he's not prepared to even consider that. so you really really need to leave him. Make sure your son learns better.

Not a great dad.
If you hired a nanny or chikdminder who smashed up things in your house would you or dh find it acceptable?
If d's tea her at schoomroutinwly smashed things in front of the kids or evn not i front of them wouldthat be ok ?

Of course not.
It says look what I am capable of. Next time it could be you. So behave otherwise it is you next.

Literally everyone on this thread who said they had a parent who punched holes in their home has had difficulties and anxieties in their adult life stemming from that childhood terror.

Another such person here.

If children's services came to your house and saw dents in the walls and doors - they would be seriously concerned.

Where is your little boy's safe place if home is where Daddy trashes his stuff and punched walls and Mummy cries and nothing changes?

I am in my 50s and still traumatized by the memories. Children deserve to feel safe in their own homes.

everyone on this thread who said they had a parent who punched holes in their home has had difficulties and anxieties in their adult life stemming from that childhood terror.

I am one of those people. I am now over 50 and I still suffer from anxiety, depression and PTSD. I was set up for a life of abusive relationships and it has caused me immense heartbreak as well as the toll on my health and finances.

I have this but it's my wife.. it scares me, the kids and my wife.. she gets so angry and just smashes stuff up including herself. I don't know what to do.

I'd be very worried about the effect on your children of this behaviour. Believe me, it is having an effect.

I know because I was that child.

It's a bad idea to make empty threats.
All you've shown him now is that you will not go through with it so he can carry on and you'll (in his eyes) whinge about it but then forget about it

Leave is easy to say but not easy to do. I think most people understand that.

Whether you leave now or not, or later or not - stop lying for him. When people ask what happened - tell them.
X lost his temper and smashed it.

If there is nothing wrong with what he's doing and you're overreacted then there's no need to hide it, right?

I do believe leaving is the safest option for you because what happens when hitting objects isn't enough? But I realise I am saying that from the privilege of a safe home and the ability to leave if that changed and that is a very different place than one with broken things and an aggressive husband

@johnbob8k

I have this but it's my wife.. it scares me, the kids and my wife.. she gets so angry and just smashes stuff up including herself. I don't know what to do.

I'd say the same to you as to the OP.

zombie thread

Oh fuck. Didn't see that.
Oh well, it was bumped by someone desperately needing advice so hopefully they will get some.

Leaving isn't an option.. I love my wife and she needs help - leaving just leaves the kids with her without me there for them.

She has calmed down, for now but I could do with knowing where to go for help.

You could try your GP, or social services. They will know about local resources.

Just a point though, leaving does not have to mean leaving the children with her. If she is very aggressive that would be neglectful
A father can leave with his children in order to protect them. Fathers are allowed to fight for and have custody every bit as much as mother's. The default doesn't have to be man leaves struggling wife to raise children alone.

If you did at some point feel that this was too bad a situation to subject your children to - take them and leave and go to court to ask for custody, citing your wife's violence.

Hopefully it won't come to that and your wife will be able to access help and support but at the end of the day while you can choose to stay with a violent person, you should not be allowed to make that choice for a voiceless child.

He's a great dad

No, he's not. He's a shit dad and husband.

He's got some nerve complaining about you being emotional when he can't control his emotions and has to resort to smashing things up.

No, him smashing up your home should not be tolerated.
It is a form of threat, intimidation, as described by Womens Aid. I was in an abusive relation ship, this was one of the behaviors, punching holes in doors, breaking noisy childrens toys. It went on to sawing up furniture I wanted to keep, throwing good furniture in the garden to rot. Then destroying, stealing and selling my personal belongings. Plus physical violence and terrible psychological abuse.
He has even broken the door on your childs tree house, what a shit. You stop protecting him, you tell family friends what he does. He smashes up things as he can get away with it. I doubt if he smashes up things at work etc. His destroying things ends TODAY. Next time he smashes up your home, you call the police and say you and the children are terrified. Actually it would be better to report this to the Police TODAY. You tell him to go to Anger Management, counselling and get counselling yourself. Tell your Doctor, what is going on, to get it on record. Phone Womens Aid.
Smashing things often escalates to physical violence. A home should be a place of peace and safety.
I ignored theses behaviours, until my abuser virtually destroyed me.
Please learn from my experience. If not for yourself, for your children.

@tinyx2

I think I knew all this was true but reading other people saying it makes it hit home so much more!

He asked again if I would go for a drive and when I asked why he said 'it'd be nice to do something for the kids' he then told me he just gets very frustrated and that's why he does it. He also said it annoys him the way I get pissed off when he is pissed off. I was clearly unaware we can't share allocated pissed off time

I've asked him before if he'd consider therapy. He did seem keen at the time but I'm not sure now. He seems to be acting like a man child at the moment and anything I say won't mean much to him. He's always struggled talking about his feelings and after reading everyone's comments I think that's why he can't manage his temper. He doesn't seem to be able to process his emotions!

I don't want him to think I don't follow through on things I say but would it be a good idea to give him a choice to do therapy/ anger management or it's over?

But he can manage his temper. How many jobs has he been fired from for smashing the place up? How many times has been arrested for doing this in public? He does control his temper. He actively chooses to do this to you.

"I told him if it happened one more time I can't stay with him."

So you can't stay with him then can you?

No I wouldn’t say he’s a good dad. Something doesn’t go his way so he smashes things.
What an awesome way to teach his kids how to handle life….
Does he act like this with others? in work? with his mates? If so, he’s got major anger issues if not, he’s being abusive and can control it but chooses not to do he can terrorise his family. He’s a bully.

He’s weak, it takes more strength to keep his anger in.

He's not a great dad if he smashes his children's toys.

Imagine the psychological damage seeing all of this is doing to your children.

Goodness he must have lost every job he’s ever had…….or in fact he can control himself, regularly does, and thinks it fine to lose it in front of you and your children.

I am looking for a movie I watched years back and can't think of the name, cast etc and when I type descriptions into Google nothing is coming up!!

It's about a girl who's really into fitness but her mum is quite unhealthy diet wise and feeds her little brother and unhealthy diet as-well which causes tension between the girl and her mum etc and also makes her never want to be like that.. I think in the end her mum has a heart attack which is a wake up call for her she doesn't die..

I remember the mum also giving the son pizza Fridays or something!!

Ugh sorry for the bad description lol but can anyone help
Me with what this movie is???