Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you tolerate your partner breaking/hitting things?

176 replies

tinyx2 · 22/04/2018 16:32

Does anyone else's partner smash, hit or break things when angry? My husband does this a lot and there's several things around the house with holes in them or things we've had to repair or buy new. The last time it happened, at the start of the year I told him if it happened one more time I can't stay with him.

It happened again today. It was a trivial argument and he smashed the door on my sons tree house. Poor Ds was devastated and my husband had already stormed off. When I confronted him after I told him I still stand by what I said at the beginning of the year. I was crying and clearly upset. He's a great dad and I honestly thought our relationship was improving but I can't deal with his temper anymore. He told me he sick of me getting emotional like this (very strange as I don't remember the last time I was emotional/cried around him) and that it's laughable if I left him because of this.

I made the kids dinner and went up to the bedroom. He just came in and acted completely normal and asked if I want to go for a drive Hmm

TBH, I started to believe him that it's a bit ridiculous to leave him over this but I thought about it. There's marks in our hard wood floor from him throwing the fire poker, dints in walls and doors, curtain rails been pulled out of the wall and cracks down the sides of the plaster on our walls from his temper. I have to lie to family about what happened and I just don't think I should have to clean up after his problem anymore.

OP posts:
pilotswife · 23/04/2018 02:49

My friends father was like this. I’d never seen anything like it. One day I was there playing and she walked past the kitchen just as he exploded and hurled a screwdriver he was using accross the room. It embedded in her eye. It was horrific. She lost her eye aged seven, parents stayed together but I was never allowed there again.

adayatthebeach · 23/04/2018 02:51

Nope I just ended a relationship because my purse went flying once and water bottles twice hit off a table. Slammed his hand into a ceiling of a loft. Not married to him thank goodness.

adayatthebeach · 23/04/2018 02:53

Life is too short and there are men who don’t do these things!

Rainatnight · 23/04/2018 02:58

He's not a great dad. Your kids will remember all this for the rest of their lives. My grandfather was exactly like this and my mum and all her siblings are damaged as a result.

MarvelleGazelle · 23/04/2018 03:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

e1y1 · 23/04/2018 03:18

Would I fuck tolerate this, somebody devastating my child and damaging my lovely home that I work bloody hard for.

Not a chance!

The odd glass, possibly?? Dinted floors and walls, no chance!!

Stay and you’re teaching your child this reaction to anger is normal.

BradleyPooper · 23/04/2018 03:26

Woulsn't put up with it from a child, why would I put up with it from an adult. Children learn to use words, express feelings .... why can't this adult.

And as for you getting emotional ..... he's totally emotional smashing up your home. Get rid before your kids think this is OK and normal.

MistressDeeCee · 23/04/2018 03:30

"He's a great dad?!'

I wouldn't even lower myself to speak to anyone who acted this way. Shocking.

I hope you see the light.

CheeseyToast · 23/04/2018 04:19

It is absolutely domestic violence and he will not change. Without a shadow of a doubt, he will continue to behave as he always has, and it is very likely to get worse.

If he wants to change/get therapy etc well he is welcome to do that but he needs to be the one instigating it and it is likely to be a long time before change is evident. To be honest I doubt he ever will though. Let's face it, people don't change.

The responsible and self respecting thing to do would be to separate from him.

In some countries you would be risking prosecution to allow a violent person such as your husband to live in the same home as your child.

C0untDucku1a · 23/04/2018 04:28

Youve said youve already discussed therapy, he agreed. Did he actually arrange it? I doubt it. My guess is he just said what you wanted to hear. He has already had the chance to get therapy. He wither didnt bother or it didnt work. He has already had that chance you want to give him again.
Tell him to leave.

Your poor ds.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 23/04/2018 04:49

He can totally control his anger. He does at work, outside of the house when he’s with other people.

Just not with you and DS because he doesn’t respect you. And he knows you’re trapped.

These are not momentary losses of self-control because he is calculating enough to make you think that you are the unreasonable one.

Women have been hoodwinked massively into believing they are the emotional sex, the manipulative ones. Anger is an emotion and gaslighting a manipulation.

Leave him OP. There are men who aren’t like this and who won’t make you and your poor DS walk on eggshells at home, a place where you should feel safe.

Aussiemum78 · 23/04/2018 05:12

The reason it took me so long to leave my abuser is that each incident in isolation sounded so trivial to me and the bigger incidents happened once every 2-3 years. So easy to explain away and feel that you are overreacting.

It's not until now that I see clearly how intimidated I was and how he used these behaviours to control and get his own way with everything.

I bet he doesn't damage anything that's important to him when he's "out of control". Or do it when there are witnesses. It's a deliberate calculated act IMO

Pluckedpencil · 23/04/2018 06:10

You book him into an anger management course and if he refuses to go, it's over. It is so far from normal behaviour, it's sickening that you have to ask. Shows what a warped existence he has given you.

Hernameisdeborah · 23/04/2018 06:39

Your husband is taking no notice of you whatsoever because he thinks you don't mean what you say about leaving. He has no respect for you. And he will keep smashing your and your DC's belongings, again and again, because he can and does get away with it. This is no way for you and your children to live. Your poor son, you need to show him that it really is not OK that his Dad has done this and that you will act to protect him from this in future. Leave your husband. Please.

Flisspaps · 23/04/2018 07:05

Some of the shit advice on here is why 3 women a week in abusive relationships are killed still by their partner.

It's not normal, it's not anger, it's not your job to fix him, it's not what good men do, it's not something you can make ok with a punchbag or counselling for him.

MaryPeary · 23/04/2018 07:08

There has been some great insight from some very clear-thinking people here.

My dad used to do this and it terrified me. It is clearly designed to imply "look what you made me do - if I wasn't such a fucking great bloke I'd be hitting you instead of the wall". Mum stayed but she had her issues too and he was the one who used to protect me from her. My siblings and I heartily wish they had not stayed together. Me, I still love my dad, but I still feel sick and panicky if I think he's getting cross with me, and I'm a mother in my 40s now.

On the positive side, I never went out with "macho" men because I was determined never to have to put up with violent, controlling behaviour.

On the negative side, I have put up with all sorts of other bad behaviour, because I thought that it was so amazing to have a bloke who doesn't shout and smash things that he must be a real catch. I would never have left, unless someone actually hit me (and even then, I don't know if I would have) because "leaving" isn't in my emotional vocabulary. Having seen my parents have such a shit relationship, I just don't have baby sense of what's acceptable and what isn't. I'd put up with almost anything to keep the family together.

Just as well he left me instead.

Bufferingkisses · 23/04/2018 07:38

Just to give another side...

I did this, young baby, pnd, man child oh. I got so frustrated and angry I kicked a door - put a hole in it.

I left. No way I was being that person. I left the man child, sought help for the pnd and sought assistance for releasing feelings of anger and frustration. That was 20 years ago and it's never happened again. I'm still aware though.

That's what a ^"Good" parent does, they change their behaviour and make sure they don't inflict this on anyone ever. Adult or child.

Iputthescrewinthetuna · 23/04/2018 07:56

@Bufferingkisses
I just want to say how strong and brave you were for recognising that if you didn't do something then you would be that person!
Well done for not letting it happen again and getting help! That isn't easy! Thanks

MeMeMeow85 · 23/04/2018 08:05

That’s dreadful!! Your home is supposed to be a safe and comfortable place from the outside world.

He’s an absolute twat if he can’t manage his own emotions as an adult. He’s trying to intimidate you and must be scaring your poor son.

I’d leave OP 💐

Hernameisdeborah · 23/04/2018 08:11

Lundy Bancroft puts it quite nicely: In his book, he says the abuser doesn't have a problem with his anger, he has a problem with your anger and he tries to jam that anger back down your throat. So when you dare get cross at him, he seizes control of the situation by breaking your and your DC's stuff to shut you up and end the argument. It sounds like, when he realised you were still upset, he wanted to control that too by offering to take you all out for a drive - that way he had created a "peaceful" family scenario, he knew where you were, what you were doing, you would have no choice but to be with him and he could keep an eye on you so you couldn't go anywhere. This man is a controlling, insecure bully.

BrownTurkey · 23/04/2018 08:20

I’m sorry, I think you warned him, set your boundary and I think you would be wise to stick to it with dignity. Don’t show your son that this is OK.

Adversecamber22 · 23/04/2018 08:24

You say he isn't someone with an anger problem. He clearly is.

I wonder what your childhood was like? Maybe you saw things like this so consider it just normal. It really isnt, almost 20 years married here and DH has never broken anything.

BitchQueen90 · 23/04/2018 08:32

I would not tolerate this and he definitely does have an anger problem.

For what it's worth I am someone who really struggles with showing emotion or talking about my emotions and I don't behave like that so it's not an excuse. It is abusive behaviour from him.

Flisspaps · 23/04/2018 08:33

Once more for those at the back

He doesn't have anger problems or need anger management

Claire90ftm · 23/04/2018 09:35

You need to stick to what you said. Otherwise he won't take anything you say seriously. You said you'd leave if he did it again, and he did. He's testing you. And it's not fair on you or your DS. Think of him. It must be terrifying to have a father who acts that way. Don't allow it. Please, OP, for the sake of everyone involved, leave him. He's not worth it.