Do you tolerate your partner breaking/hitting things?

[tinyx2]

Does anyone else's partner smash, hit or break things when angry? My husband does this a lot and there's several things around the house with holes in them or things we've had to repair or buy new. The last time it happened, at the start of the year I told him if it happened one more time I can't stay with him.

It happened again today. It was a trivial argument and he smashed the door on my sons tree house. Poor Ds was devastated and my husband had already stormed off. When I confronted him after I told him I still stand by what I said at the beginning of the year. I was crying and clearly upset. He's a great dad and I honestly thought our relationship was improving but I can't deal with his temper anymore. He told me he sick of me getting emotional like this (very strange as I don't remember the last time I was emotional/cried around him) and that it's laughable if I left him because of this.

I made the kids dinner and went up to the bedroom. He just came in and acted completely normal and asked if I want to go for a drive

TBH, I started to believe him that it's a bit ridiculous to leave him over this but I thought about it. There's marks in our hard wood floor from him throwing the fire poker, dints in walls and doors, curtain rails been pulled out of the wall and cracks down the sides of the plaster on our walls from his temper. I have to lie to family about what happened and I just don't think I should have to clean up after his problem anymore.

Do you really think your family and friends believe the excuses about the house and it's contents being trashed? They might care and worry about you more than you imagine.

The fact you hide and make excuses for the damage he does from your family and friends means you already know that it's unacceptable behaviour

My DF used to smash things up during arguments and I found it terrifying as a child. Smashing things up is so violent and threatening- even without laying a finger on anyone, you are sending the message that they could be next.

Your ultimatum was correct, please follow through. He can still get help for his anger whilst you are getting some space (which might or might not be permanent).

Tiny ibwas just reading through the replies and thinking of your OP. You said last time he did this was at the start of the year , so 4 months back, and you said it couldn't happen again. He's been on his best/better behaviour since then. Because he feared your response. If nothing happens from this latest incident then it will be 3 months then 2 then 1 etc . until its egg shell time every couple of days.

He thinks you’re emotional when he has temper tantrums like that, what a dick.
Also why would you want him modelling that behaviour for your children, it’s not normal behaviour

My ex did this. It’s horrible. Acting aggressive when angry then speaking to me like nothing had happened when he calmed down and when I quite rightly remained upset that would cause him to get angry again that I was ‘making a mountain out of a molehill’. I wasn’t, it’s not acceptable behaviour and I didn’t want our children thinking that was normal. Don’t listen to anyone who suggests counselling etc. He will not change. Acting this way gets you to do what he wants so he’s not going to stop it. It’s all about controlling you. My ex smashed a phone off the ground, punched a hole in a door, threw a plate with dinner I’d just made into the garden, slammed doors etc. He made my life very difficult when I left but I have no doubts that I made the right decision for me and our children. Do not tolerate this any more. He will not change. Please start making plans for when you’re ready to leave.

It will be you or your son he soon turns on next. These things escalate. I would suggest you get your ducks in a row and leave sooner rather than later.

P.s. my ex’s father did the same thing when he was growing up. Children copy the actions of their parents. It’s so important to break the cycle and protect your children.

Agree you need to stop lying about his behaviour. If it is as acceptable as he says, then no one will be shocked or worried.

Name it as violent abusive behaviour. Tell people. Stopping this being a secret you and he share (even if family/friends might have guessed) will stop you both being able to ignore it. Try right now. Call someone, your mum, a friend - and tell him he's lost his temper and smashed DSs tree house. That he can't say why he does it, but when he gets upset he lashes out. Their reaction might help you realise how abnormal it is.

Hmm, another "great Dad" who needlessly upsets his children and destroys their property because he has a tantrum. Where's that bar gone? It's set so low it must have rolled away...

My dad did this. Flung a mug through my bedroom window while arguing with my mum, and punched a hole in the door another time.

I remember them lying to my gran about what happened to the door, although he admitted doing it, just not why.

I do think he hit my mum, at least I once, when I was really small. I wasn’t there thankfully, but I vaguely remember the black eye and was told she fell down stairs at a party.

Another time they argued, him down the close stairs, her at the front door. She said something and he sprinted up they stairs like a man possessed. Thank god she got the door shut.

Anyway, these are not the memories you want for your son. Too late really, but no need for any more.

This time he broke your child's toy, next time he could break your child or you.

This type of violence always escalates, he's doing it to intimidate you into behaving as he wants you to.

He isn't a "Good Dad".

Make a plan to leave in the very near future, gather money, documents etc. Be careful, because the violence will increase as he finds that you are preparing to move out of his control.

Where have you gone, op ?

Your words are utterly worthless if you do not follow through.

If you offer therapy instead, you need to recognose that from that moment onwards when you speak all he will hear is a slightly annoyng whine. Totally safe to ignore.

I thought you said your son is devastated. What are you teaching him about whether you can be relied upon to protect him?

Think about your kids ffs. It must be terrifying. Everyone you argue they must be nervous wrecks wondering what's going to get smashed this time. My dad used to do this and I still remember the pit of the stomach feeling. I think it's shocking you have to power to prevent your kids (and yourself) from an abusive prick and you're wondering if you should give it another go. You shouldn't hand out ultimatums if you're not going to stick to them. That will enforce that he can do what ever the fuck he wants and nothing is going to happen because your words are empty.

*every time not everyone

If it was uncharacteristic of dh then I think it could be worked through but if it's part of a broader constant destructive and intimidating behaviour then it's not acceptable. I wouldn't accept it from my kids and I certainly wouldn't accept it from any adult.

Agree with everyone else. This is an awful way to live for you and your children. Leave. if he decides to reinvent himself through intensive therapy etc., well you can take a look at the new him when he has finished. He won't though.

I think this is telling:

He also said it annoys him the way I get pissed off when he is pissed off.

Basically there is only room for one person's emotions in your family - his. he takes up all the space available and makes sure you all know it by literally damaging and marking the space you live in. Your emotions and thoughts don't matter and your childrens' certainly don't. Only his. It is no way to live.

The realisation for me was that even in his "blind" rages he only ever broke things that were not solely his. He was clearly showing that I was of lower value than he was.

My ex too. Always household stuff that risked my rental deposit or my possessions. Never his. I remember the day the scales fell from my eyes when I had to flee in the middle of the night to a friends house when he began trashing the place, I came home in the morning to plates, cups, vases smashed yet again. My books were torn, some clothes I loved destroyed. Furniture broken, the leather sofa slashed and a hole punched through an internal door. I was the only name on the lease.

And in the middle of it, nestled carefully under cushions was his laptop which was his pride and joy. Carefully shielded from his rage. Showing me he was clearly in control of his anger all along.

Since he was passed out in his drunken stupor, I wrapped it up in a towel and gave it several hefty thumps off the outside pavement and put it back exactly as it was with not a single scratch on it. For that moment, I was as bad as him but fuck it, it felt great to get a tiny bit of revenge.

It took me a few years of therapy to get over that brief and destructive relationship, OP. Seeing it in a parent destroying your toys has to be so much harder on mental health, so please consider leaving because it protects your son and safeguards his future mental health.

Womens aid confirmed that trashing stuff is abusive. It's calculated and threatening and intimidating and designed to get you to tow the line. It's working isn't it? You tiptoe around his rages and control your emotions so as not to set him off. You can leave a relationship any time you like and for any or no reason. Not wanting to live with this behaviour is a good enough reason.

OP this is an abusive relationship. He may not be hitting you (yet) but you and your DS are witnessing his anger and violence and he is being emotionally abusive towards you in that he is twisting everything round and making it your fault.

Your DS is also suffering emotional abuse by witnessing his dads violence and his treatment of you. Your DS will also grow up believing that this is how relationships should work - that this is normal. Children who grow up in households where DV is the norm are more likely to be abusers or victims themselves in later life.

My dh has always had this tendency since his teenage years. examples I can think of are punching through his mums front door when locked out, whacking a bread knife on the side of the kitchen worktop leaving a mark, kicking back door, it’s always over the smallest silliest things but he is actually good at coping in a genuinely stressful situation. No major damage to our house since we’ve been married but enough to seriously piss me off. The weird thing is he’s not someone who I’d say has an anger problem and he IS a very loving gentle person and father, I’m certainly not scared or threatened by him in any way and I trust him 100%. He’s finally seeking counselling but if he continues after this I would insist on anger management as well I think. Only you know your dh but it sounds like it might be more extreme and the worry for me is he doesn’t seem to acknowledge it’s his problem not yours. I don’t think men who do this are automatically evil or are going to start beating you or the children but only you can work out if you think he will be willing to seek help.

My ex didn't often break things, but the flare ups and rage became more and more frequent. In the end daily aggression became the norm. It took me ages to leave, I am not proud of that. But I was a shell of my former self. He was out of control in his own sense of self and destroyed mine to make him feel better.

Ma and the kids walked around on eggshells, I lost all sense of autonomy as I was always trying to please him so he didn't kick off. In the end I could see my eldest child was becoming more and more combative, especially when the tension was high.. It was horrible. I only realised how bad when I left. My house 99% of the time is calm, I am calm, I am happy.

He is still angry, still miserable and hates he doesn't have to berate me like hie did. He is loads better with the kids, they like their time with him, he is much different now (although he still tries all the time and remains emotionally abusive as much as he can with passive aggressive messages etc).

In no way am I saying its easy, it was the hardest decision I ever made, because I still loved him in a lot of ways, we had a huge histroy together, he has limited support (because he is a knob) and I felt so guilty (still cry and worry).

But tell yourself this, you deserve to live in comfort, and not be stressed. You deserve kindness, and happiness not a life of misery. Work through everything you need to do and get a plan, he won't change. You will always be on edge. Keep posting OP.

Oh and my ex used to always shout down any concerns, he also told me I was emotional and he thought of that as a weakness. I am not emotional, I am a normal person who sometimes cries when they feel hurt or sad etc. I am not overly emotional by any means, but he alsways had the ability to make me cry (I hid it mostly from him). I was miserable but I am not anymore.

actually good at coping in a genuinely stressful situation. No major damage to our house since we’ve been married but enough to seriously piss me off. The weird thing is he’s not someone who I’d say has an anger problem and he IS a very loving gentle person and father

You are covering for him. It is only weird because you know that it doesn’t make sense. Unless you mean that he damages things in cold blood, he can control himself when it matters to him and your feelings don’t matter?