Do you tolerate your partner breaking/hitting things?

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Does anyone else's partner smash, hit or break things when angry? My husband does this a lot and there's several things around the house with holes in them or things we've had to repair or buy new. The last time it happened, at the start of the year I told him if it happened one more time I can't stay with him.

It happened again today. It was a trivial argument and he smashed the door on my sons tree house. Poor Ds was devastated and my husband had already stormed off. When I confronted him after I told him I still stand by what I said at the beginning of the year. I was crying and clearly upset. He's a great dad and I honestly thought our relationship was improving but I can't deal with his temper anymore. He told me he sick of me getting emotional like this (very strange as I don't remember the last time I was emotional/cried around him) and that it's laughable if I left him because of this.

I made the kids dinner and went up to the bedroom. He just came in and acted completely normal and asked if I want to go for a drive

TBH, I started to believe him that it's a bit ridiculous to leave him over this but I thought about it. There's marks in our hard wood floor from him throwing the fire poker, dints in walls and doors, curtain rails been pulled out of the wall and cracks down the sides of the plaster on our walls from his temper. I have to lie to family about what happened and I just don't think I should have to clean up after his problem anymore.

Buy him a punching bag and maybe a row machine. Its good to let your anger out he just doesn't have something productive to focus it on. Probably doesn't think he can buy these things for himself

My dad Always punched walls doors ect home was a scary place growing up. Never felt safe

Are you freaking serious RBBMummy?!

Poor poor man who can’t process emotions like a grown up without lashing out and terrifying his family.

Jesus fucking wept.

Not normal behaviour and disgusting that he tried to turn it round onto you and then pretend all was fine. This is not a good role model for your son

AnneLovesGilbert it's literally what they teach you at anger management. I helped a friend through it once. Whenever she could feel her anger bubbling she'd go punch it out, feel better, carry on. It's healthy to get your anger out in a constructive way

Sad, ain't it Anne. Thanks for your good wishes, btw.

RBB, and this is exactly why anger management is not appropriate in this case

He is NOT a good father.......
It's an awful awful way for the child as well as the partner to live.
Fear and anxiety are all your DCs will know with him.
It has major lasting effects through to adulthood.

She’s not his therapist, she’s his cowed, terrified wife. FFS.

Nope. I wouldn’t tolerate this at all. What sort of an example us he setting to your DC?

If they threw or damaged something l, they’d be (rightfully) told off. What makes a grown man think that it’s acceptable to behave like an aggressive overgrown toddler?

I’d absolutely leave someone who behaved in such an agggewssive way.

And to turn it back on you make out they youre the one with the issue? Shameful.

Only the op will know if anger management is appropriate surely? How do people ever move past problems dealing with it? Some good people have problems dealing with anger, it depends if they have enough self awareness to recognise their problems and change the situation. If she genuinely thinks she or her children are at potential risk then she should definitely remove him form their lives.

My ex punched a hole in my wall once and I asked him to leave. No way would I live in a house where someone is routinely breaking things because they can't handle their anger. Can you suggest an anger management course and if he refuses to go on it/ it doesn't work then leave him?

Grandma...does this bloke sound like he has any self awareness at all ?

Sadly, I think OP has been out for her drive, they'll have had a big heart to heart in the car and cleared the air and everything is going to be fine.

Also, he'll have promised to go to therapy, as long as she goes with him, and will have explained how a difficult childhood and low self esteem make her uneven emotions triggering for him.

A week from now he'll break something for a good reason, which is probably her fault.

If he doesn’t do this in public or at work then he can manage his anger. This is abuse, designed to intimidate and threaten you. The way he minimises your feelings confirms it. Your poor child! I would run not walk to leave the arsehole.

Not from the OP no, buts it’s one paragraph. All I’m saying is no it’s not acceptable behaviour but only the OP will know whether there’s a possibility that they can move forward.

Some good people have problems dealing with anger, it depends if they have enough self awareness to recognise their problems and change the situation.

There’s anger problems then there’s punching holes in walks, scaring your wife and kids.

Then you don't believe the op's own words?

Yes,. My ex did.

Ex. I did not tolerate it.

No not a chance. Funny though how these men manage to control their anger at work and save it for their DW/DP and DC. Because they know they'd be dismissed immediately if they acted like that in the workplace.

They can control it, they just don't want to. Walk away OP.

My DF did this. I can remember hiding under the table as a small child when he was ranting. He never hit me but it taught me that other people's moods had priority over mine and set me up nicely for a 30 year marriage and DC with an emotionally and physically abusive (now ex) H.

Most of the time emotional abuse was exH thing and he rarely hit me but he controlled me in between times with raging tempers and smashing stuff (usually mine or things he knew I liked) always with the implicit threat that I was next. That relationship wrecked my life and I have depression, PTSD and an eating disorder to show for it. Where it leaves my poor DC I hate to think.

It is only now with therapy that I am starting to recognise the patterns and the importance of the way my dad behaved. I dealt with it at the time by just blocking huge swathes of my life out. Parts are coming back now in flashbacks, none of them good. I never want another relationship again, all I want is to get to a place of peace.

THAT is the legacy you pass to your children when you stay in a relationship with a man who smashes things.

Oh and outside our home exH was fun, charming and everyone thought he was a great bloke and the life and soul of the party. He loved the attention. He just did not waste any of that effort at home.

No I would not accept this.
A one off, sleep deprived loss of temper that was acknowledged and apologised for and never repeated, yes
I'm talking heavy handedness with possessions not people, simply because I've been cross and sleep deprived before and cracked plates by being too heavy handed emptying the dishwasher etc... throwing, hitting, punching in aggression... no. Never.
That shit is for preschool.

He's a great dad No he isn't. All of us who grew up with fathers who did this and worse can tell you that he's actually a bloody awful dad. Your DC are probably scared of him and will already be learning strategies to not make him angry. He will be chipping away at your children's mental health more and more with every day you allow him to remain.

💐 to everyone who is still dealing with their childhoods as adults.

I’ve never seen my husband that angry. At most, he might say ‘oh Jesus’ if he can’t find his keys or something, but even that would be quite aggressive for him.

My mum was the type to throw stuff in anger so I’ve always avoided people like that because it scares me.