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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you tolerate your partner breaking/hitting things?

176 replies

tinyx2 · 22/04/2018 16:32

Does anyone else's partner smash, hit or break things when angry? My husband does this a lot and there's several things around the house with holes in them or things we've had to repair or buy new. The last time it happened, at the start of the year I told him if it happened one more time I can't stay with him.

It happened again today. It was a trivial argument and he smashed the door on my sons tree house. Poor Ds was devastated and my husband had already stormed off. When I confronted him after I told him I still stand by what I said at the beginning of the year. I was crying and clearly upset. He's a great dad and I honestly thought our relationship was improving but I can't deal with his temper anymore. He told me he sick of me getting emotional like this (very strange as I don't remember the last time I was emotional/cried around him) and that it's laughable if I left him because of this.

I made the kids dinner and went up to the bedroom. He just came in and acted completely normal and asked if I want to go for a drive Hmm

TBH, I started to believe him that it's a bit ridiculous to leave him over this but I thought about it. There's marks in our hard wood floor from him throwing the fire poker, dints in walls and doors, curtain rails been pulled out of the wall and cracks down the sides of the plaster on our walls from his temper. I have to lie to family about what happened and I just don't think I should have to clean up after his problem anymore.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 22/04/2018 17:10

Would you be happy to see your adult son treating his partner like this? Because he will, if this is how the primary relationship in his life looks.

dagonet · 22/04/2018 17:10

A good friend of mine was married to a man like this. She did leave him eventually. About a year after she left she told me it was the best thing she'd done. She no longer lived with the fear of something upsetting him, although his outbursts were only occasional, the worry of someone/ something upsetting him was a constant stress in her and her children's lives. Her only regret was she hadn't done it sooner.

biscuitaddict · 22/04/2018 17:10

No, it's not normal and I would not tolerate it. He needs some anger management.

Flisspaps · 22/04/2018 17:13

@biscuitaddict he is managing his 'anger'.

I bet OP's DP doesn't do this at work, his mates houses, in shops...just at home with OP.

This isn't anger. This is abuse. If he was truly angry, he'd be having his disgusting outbursts all over the place.

corythatwas · 22/04/2018 17:14

What would happen if he started showing his displeasure at his work colleagues in the same way? They would call the police and have him removed to a cell. That's how serious and intimidating other people would consider this kind of behaviour. But your son is supposed to just put up with it?

Flexoset · 22/04/2018 17:15

He told me he sick of me getting emotional like this

Because violent rage is not an emotion....

HollowTalk · 22/04/2018 17:16

He's an absolute disgrace.

I was just thinking... I live on my own now and if someone came into my house and damaged it, I'd call the police. Why is it different if he lives there, too? He is frightening the family, damaging the property and he's gaslighting you. He needs to go.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 22/04/2018 17:23

Well done for putting your line in the sand. And for being brave enough to stick by it.

Don't let his awful arrogance make you lose your resolve. You are quite right to leave him over this.

DearMrDilkington · 22/04/2018 17:27

What a vile man.

Please leave him, your poor children must be terrified daily.

Coveredinbeeeeeeeeeeeees · 22/04/2018 17:28

Nope, absolutely not. Get out now.

PatchworkWomble · 22/04/2018 17:29

He's sick of you getting emotional? He does realise that it's his inability to control his emotions which causes him to break things?

I agree with anyfucker that an accident could happen here, a child or you getting caught in the crossfire.

And no I wouldn't tolerate this. Also your child will be affected by it, obviously.

You deserve better.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 22/04/2018 17:32

Telling you it would be laughable for you to leave, and pretending that nothing's happened, is textbook gaslighting.

As PP's have said, this is abuse. And because it is abuse, what he says is designed to keep all the power with him. You will have to learn not to take anything he says seriously. Because if you are going to leave, he's going to come out with a load of tactics designed to make you change your mind.

Good luck.

Kneedeepinunicorns · 22/04/2018 17:33

My siblings and I all had treatment for PTSD in our twenties after leaving home, having grown up with a DF who did this. Never actually hit anyone but hit tables, doors, walls, threw things. One sibling still is medicated for ongoing mental health issues including PTSD, two of us have a history of self harming as a means of managing anxiety and as a means of not showing emotion that would have triggered DF. As a five year old, I had recurring nightmares about us hiding in the house from a monster, and about watching my siblings being sent by my mother to a room one by one, where I knew they were being killed, and knowing when my turn came she'd send me too and I'd have to go. Seriously. Not saying this to shock you, even thinking about that dream still turns my stomach. My DM would still deny that any domestic abuse happened in our home and put her relationship with him in front of everything. She would have stayed with him no matter what, and it's taken decades to forgive her for that.

I have two domestically abusive relationships behind me, having grown up a very well trained victim enabler with no boundaries. One of my partners used to kick holes in doors, smash glasses, plates etc on the floor. The point I finally realised the implicit violence in it was when they kicked an item at one of my cats. Then I left them and started to do a lot of reading about co dependency. Now I have the boundaries my DM still doesn't.

Please don't think this is ok, for you or for your children. Your partner has a problem, he is trying to make it your problem, he is taking no responsibility for it. Flowers

ButtMuncher · 22/04/2018 17:36

I had a dad that did this. Everything got kicked, punched, sworn at. It was horrible growing up with it, so I can almost 100% promise you your children will hate it too. It's unsettling and makes them feel unsafe even if it's not directed at them.

Original poster
tinyx2 · 22/04/2018 17:36

I think I knew all this was true but reading other people saying it makes it hit home so much more!

He asked again if I would go for a drive and when I asked why he said 'it'd be nice to do something for the kids' Hmm he then told me he just gets very frustrated and that's why he does it. He also said it annoys him the way I get pissed off when he is pissed off. I was clearly unaware we can't share allocated pissed off time Hmm

I've asked him before if he'd consider therapy. He did seem keen at the time but I'm not sure now. He seems to be acting like a man child at the moment and anything I say won't mean much to him. He's always struggled talking about his feelings and after reading everyone's comments I think that's why he can't manage his temper. He doesn't seem to be able to process his emotions!

I don't want him to think I don't follow through on things I say but would it be a good idea to give him a choice to do therapy/ anger management or it's over?

OP posts:
mindutopia · 22/04/2018 17:38

Uh, no, but I did have an abusive ex who regularly did.

Now that’s not to say either of us has never slammed a door in anger. And I once through quite a few kitchen implements out the window in anger (during a legitimately hard time, pretty sure I was suffering the effects of ptsd after being the victim of a violent crime and very nearly being caught in a terrorist bombing while living abroad). But normal day to day behaviour, no, not normal and my dh has never so much as slammed a door (I’m the door slammer around here if there is one).

cordeliavorkosigan · 22/04/2018 17:40

It is not ok. I might do what you did and say never again, but I wouldn't want to live like that long term or teach my dc that it's an OK way to handle being upset (and then never again has to mean never again). Years ago (early 20s, before dc) I threw a hairbrush once and it broke. My partner at the time said this is not OK and I looked down at the hairbrush and thought, yep, this can't happen again.
If your partner really sees nothing wrong with this, that's the problem.

AnyFucker · 22/04/2018 17:40

I am not going to detail it here but my childhood caused issues for me in my teens and early adulthood. Stuff you would not want your offspring to have to navigate.

Witnessing violence/ lack of boundaries in the home, trying to please an abusive man who still expected you to "play nice" after he had terrified you, walking on eggshells and watching your mother forgive, forgive and forgive again fucks people up. Believe me.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 22/04/2018 17:42

Separate first. Then see if he makes the decision to seek help. It will only be helpful if he does this, not if you suggest it.

Once he's been through therapy, thought through why he dealt with problems this way, found new coping strategies, then you could consider spending time together with a view to getting back together.

gg1234 · 22/04/2018 17:43

Your hubby has anger issues and so he needs therapy .Temperament is something we dont choose we are born with it ..For example some people are brave some are sensitive .You can control anger .But you need therapy .Your husband should agree to go to therapy .There are so many programs going on on anger managemnt .Help him rather than leaving him

gamerchick · 22/04/2018 17:43

I pity any child living in that household. A father who is setting them up for mental health illness and a mother who won’t protect them from it.

If you want him to get therapy and he agrees then fine but you HAVE to remove yourself and any kids out of it in the meantime.

If you don’t then you are enabling this abuse. Tell him to pack a bag and fuck off.

Left · 22/04/2018 17:43

Hi OP. It doesn't sound like therapy would help him as he doesn't think he has a problem. He just gets frustrated and blames you. If you stay you're just giving him the green light to carry on.

AnyFucker · 22/04/2018 17:44

It isn't "anger" ...it's abuse

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 22/04/2018 17:44

My suggestion upthread is somewhat tongue in cheek, though, as sadly I think it's highly unlikely he will see he has a problem.

Mrsramsayscat · 22/04/2018 17:44

I would never tolerate it. A friend of mine did, though, and it was only a foretaste of things to come for her, sadly,

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